The Alchemist

Edited by Peter Holland and William Sherman

INTRODUCTION

‘Upon my word’, said Coleridge in July 1834, ‘I think the Oedipus Tyrannus, The Alchemist, and Tom Jones the three most perfect plots ever planned’ (Coleridge, 1990, 2.295). Jonson might have been surprised to have had his play compared with a long work of prose fiction, but he would presumably have been flattered by the comparison with Sophocles. He might also have been amused by Coleridge’s use of ‘perfect’ to describe The Alchemist, a word that turns up sixteen times in the play (in its various forms), almost always promising the completion of the alchemical process — that immensely long and arduous series of steps that would finally yield the philosopher’s stone and, with it, the means to perfect wealth and health; those ‘labours’ which, ‘Got by long watching and large patience’, were now, as the con man Subtle assures his alchemical investor Sir Epicure Mammon, ‘e’en at perfection’ (2.3.11–12).

This ‘magnum opus’ – the production of what Subtle calls ‘The magisterium, our great work, the stone’ (1.4.14) – has already been started before the play begins and, indeed, is already threatening to explode with the fight that opens the action. Lovewit has abandoned his house for fear of plague, and his butler has set up shop in his absence — forming a partnership with a fake alchemist and a prostitute — in order to extract as much money as possible from a wide range of customers (all of whom are in search of their own form of quick money). The entrance of every new character is accompanied by a sense of heightened anticipation, creating an ever more potent mixture of anxiety and fantasy for both the tricksters’ clients and the con men themselves, until ‘they and all in fume are gone’ (Argument 12). Jonson juggles the volatile personalities and the dramatic sequence of arrivals and departures with a sense of timing as perfect as that required of the alchemist, holding it all together with a unity of time and place that is perfectly neoclassical. It seems all the more appropriate, then, that Coleridge, when praising the plot of The Alchemist a year earlier in February 1833, should also have spoken of Jonson’s ‘intense and burning art’ (Coleridge, 1990, 2.201), as if the alchemical furnaces were heating up the author as well as supposedly working offstage in the service of Mammon and the others.

Date and time

Jonson wrote The Alchemist for the King’s Men, possibly in the early summer of 1610. In late August or early September, the company performed the play in Oxford. It horrified Henry Jackson, a member of Corpus Christi College, who, writing to a friend in September 1610, was scandalized not by Jonson’s attack on the alchemists but by the mockery of the Anabaptists, for thereby ‘they [i.e. the actors] most disgustingly violated the holy scriptures themselves’ and ‘impiously and unnaturally polluted the scriptures’ (quoted in Tillotson, 1933b, 494; our translation from the Latin). Jackson’s distress was magnified by the fact that the university’s theologians ‘most eagerly flocked’ to the performance, where ‘impious shows’ were performed ‘with the greatest applause and to full houses’ made up of ‘pious and learned men’.

Apparently, therefore, immediately popular, The Alchemist had almost certainly not yet been seen in London. When it was, it may not have been equally successful: Robert Herrick, in an epigram ‘Upon M. Ben Jonson’, wrote of extremes of ignorance,

Such ignorance as theirs was, who once hissed

At thy unequalled play The Alchemist.

Oh, fie upon ’em!

(ed. Martin, 1956, 150)

While the Oxford performance is the earliest known, the King’s Men were on tour because of the plague which closed the theatres from July to probably November 1610. Three references in the play make clear that the play’s events take place on 1 November 1610. Dame Pliant, said by Drugger to be ‘But nineteen at the most’ (2.6.31), confirms his judgement by suggesting she was born in 1591, for her loathing of the Spanish was fuelled by the Armada of 1588, ‘And that was some three year afore I was born’ (4.4.30). Ananias refers to a payment the sect had made

Upon the second day of the fourth week

In the eighth month upon the table dormant,

The year of the last patience of the saints,

Six hundred and ten?

(5.5.102–5)

Many editors assume that this must be the day of the play’s fiction and that therefore it is incompatible with his other calculation, that the date in fifteen days’ time on which Subtle will perfect the ‘magisterium’ will be ‘About the second day of the third week / In the ninth month’ (3.2.131–2), that is, 16 November, making the play’s action take place on 1 November. But ‘the pounds’ have been ‘told out’ on at least one occasion before, £120 in all: the ‘brethren’ have already paid ‘For the instruments, as bricks and loam and glasses, / Already thirty pound; and for materials, / They say, some ninety more’ (2.5.67–9), and ‘they will not venture any more / Till they may see projection’ (2.5.65–6). Jonson is carefully consistent in his presentation of the play’s fictive date.

The play, then, in its earliest printed form, was supposed to be taking place on 1 November 1610. Perhaps, as Ostovich argues, Jonson wanted the action ‘to take place just in advance of contemporaneous time’ (Ostovich, Comedies, 371). But the hypothesis assumes that the play as published in 1612 is the same as that performed at Oxford in 1610. It is just as likely that the quarto text represents the version performed at its London premiere, which might well have been on 1 November, making the play’s action and moment of performance the same.

If play-date and audience-date coincided it would have added to the pressures of immediacy on which Jonson plays throughout The Alchemist. For, if Shakespeare’s The Tempest allows the audience to set their watches by the play’s progress with an exact and exacting coincidence of play-time and audience-time, the progress of the single day of The Alchemist’s action is, as Herford and Simpson note, ‘worked out with exceptional fullness’ (H&S, 10.49). Farce – and The Alchemist is the greatest of all English farces – depends on speed, on a pace that accelerates mercilessly as the action becomes ever more complicated; and the risk of an entrance at the wrong moment that will overturn the drama’s mechanism increases to a hysterical point. As Face changes costume at ever-increasing speed, he desperately yearns, in the midst of an exchange with Subtle so fast that there are fourteen speech headings in seven lines, for a new technology for clothing: ‘Oh, for a suit / To fall now, like a curtain: flap’ (4.2.6–7).

Starting in the morning – and Dapper, the con artists’ first visitor, is apparently already late, feeling the pressure of time because he has ‘lent [his] watch’ (1.2.6) – the play unfolds in continuous time for the first two acts. Mammon, too, is later than expected: Subtle ‘did look for him / With the sun’s rising’ (1.4.11–12), for, after all the months of labour, this is the crucial day for projection, the perfecting of the great work. From looking backward the play moves to look forward, constructing a series of deadlines and appointments for its characters. Surly, arriving with Mammon, is sent off, by Face dressed as Lungs to meet Face dressed as the Captain ‘Some half hour hence’ (2.3.290), while Mammon is invited to return ‘within two hours’ (2.3.292). Hours turn to minutes: Ananias is given ‘threescore minutes’ to fetch his elders (2.5.84) and arrives back in 3.2 – there is effectively an hour’s time-gap between Acts 2 and 3 – in the nick of time: ‘Your threescore minutes / Were at the last thread’ (3.2.1–2). Face, missing Surly, though he waited for him, has found a Spanish count who will arrive within an hour at the latest (3.3.76). Dapper, however, does arrive on time ‘against one o’clock’ (1.2.164). Progress towards the climactic moment of projection, earlier expected to be three hours after Mammon’s first visit (2.2.4–5), has been delayed ‘this half hour’ (4.5.42), according to Subtle, for delays were a standard feature of alchemical con tricks. By the time Lovewit returns to his house and the play can accelerate towards its close, it is still ‘yet not deep i’the afternoon’ (5.2.30). The Prologue’s ‘two short hours’ (1) for the performance come remarkably close to the play’s fictional time-span. (See H&S, 10.49–50; Donaldson, 1997c.)

For a play whose references to history stretch from the Creation, via various events in the Bible and in Ancient Egypt, through to the urgency of the present day’s actions and in anticipation of the impending apocalypse (for the chastened Mammon will ‘mount a turnip-cart and preach / The end o’the world within these two months’, 5.5.81–2), time long and short controls the action with unparalleled imminence.

Place and space

Still, time has one especial effect on the play’s sense of space. The virulent plague of 1610 which probably delayed The Alchemist’s first London performance is also the context for its action. Lovewit, like many other gentlemen, has fled London (‘a master quit, for fear, / His house in town’, Argument 1–2), while the death rate stayed high; Face, perhaps exaggerating a little, had sworn that his master would stay away ‘While there died one a week within the liberties’ (4.7.116). The city, ‘no longer a healthy body politic’, is both a repository for disease and itself diseased, infected by the swindlers who alone seem to profit from this time when ‘the sickness [is] hot’ (Argument 1) (Ross, 1988, 440). At the play’s end the city will be temporarily cured, at least until Subtle, Doll, and, separately, Face set up the next cons. Plague, the quintessential miasma, spread, early modern physicians thought, by airborne putrescence, was supposed to be able to be cured by ridding the city of decay and rotting food and by purifying the air through burning ‘virtually anything combustible’, turning the whole city into ‘a smelly, smoky furnace’ (Ross, 1988, 442). The city itself becomes part of the (al)chemical experiment, but Subtle’s laboratory is full of precisely the same kind of stinking, rotting matter, human and animal ordure from urine and faeces to ‘menstrue’ or ‘menstruum’ (used six times in the play), both an alchemical term for a solvent and the word for menstrual discharge.

But the city has not been emptied. Subtle’s clients visible onstage include a clerk, a tobacconist, and a knight as well as representatives of a religious sect. Indeed, Kastril is a country gentleman who has come up to town rather than fleeing from it. Offstage there are ‘Good wives’ (1.3.1), including, apparently, a ‘fishwife’, ‘your giantess, / The bawd of Lambeth’ (1.4.1–3), ‘alewives’ (5.4.114), a ‘waiting-maid’ (5.4.110), and all those people Lovewit’s neighbours will claim to have seen, including

Ladies and gentlewomen.

Citizens’ wives.

And knights.

In coaches.

Yes, and oyster-women.

Beside other gallants.

Sailors’ wives.

Tobacco-men.

(5.1.3–5)

The full range of classes, a wide variety of trades and professions, both genders, a reasonable spread of ages, all are drawn by the magnet of alchemy to Lovewit’s house, ‘Your master’s Worship’s house, here, in the Friars’ (1.1.17), that building somewhere a street or two from the Blackfriars theatre where the King’s Men were likely to have been performing the play in November 1610. Blackfriars, the liberty in London that had been a Dominican monastery, ‘a site once devoted to communal prayer and Christian worship but then . . . devoted to communal performance of theatrical ritual and worship of Mammon’ (McManus, 2002, 192), was a district with homes for gentry, a wide variety of artisans and shopkeepers, a place of brothels and taverns – and a theatre. It was a district of criminality, home to the play’s criminals who are conspicuously allowed to escape scot-free, two of them losing their profits but nothing more while the third, Face, anticipates new gulling after the play’s end (see Haynes, 1989, on criminality and the play). It was an area also known for its chemical experts, scientific instrument makers, and surgeons, so that it was a natural home for an alchemist (see Harkness, 2002). Blackfriars is, in the play, also the sanctuary, the space for the characters’ fantasies of transformation (whether to become rich or to begin the religious revolution, to meet one’s relatives, especially if she is the Queen of the Fairies, or to live the ultimate epicurean dream), fantasies that in their different ways epitomize early modern aspirations, especially the extreme Golden Age indulgences out of which Mammon spins his rich web of dreaming. But the dreams are played out in that alternative state, the ‘republic’ that the trio of con artists have established here (1.1.110), to replace the English monarchical state, as the outcome of their profit-sharing capitalist endeavour, their ‘venture tripartite’ (1.1.135).

The play’s densely packed references to the streets and taverns, churches and suburbs, places and sights of London and its immediate environs converge on and are distilled into the single place of the play’s action. The Prologue is not quite accurate to announce ‘Our scene is London’ (Prol. 5), unless it were true that London could be concentrated into a single house or, more precisely, one room of Lovewit’s house (the room behind the front door) and the street immediately in front of it (see Smallwood, 1980). To an extent otherwise unparalleled in early modern drama, the play is compacted into a narrow fictional space. Its nearest parallel, in time as well as space, might well be Shakespeare’s The Tempest – and the connections between the plays, the extent to which Shakespeare’s play might be a form of answer to Jonson’s, are complex and provocative – but the magic island that holds Prospero’s art has a broader compass than the room within which Jonson’s trio meet their dupes onstage.

The Alchemist’s room has at least three doors off it: one to the street, one to the ‘laboratory’, and at least one to other parts of the house, for there is ‘the back way’ through which Dapper is shown (1.2.163), the privy in which he is to wait for his aunt (3.5.78), the garden into which Surly carries Dame Pliant (4.4.81) and the ‘great chamber above’ in which Mammon might talk with – or, presumably, have sex with – Doll (4.1.172). Anthony Ward’s set for the RSC 1991 production consisted of little more than five doors, the central double-hinged one acting as the door to the street: walk out through it and immediately straight back onto the stage and the character was now outside (Cave, 1999, 83–4 and plate 4).

It is the space of this room that constitutes the trio’s laboratory far more emphatically than the offstage space where Subtle purports to be creating the philosopher’s stone, for the true alchemy of the play is doubly the work of a stage, the stage on which The Alchemist is performed and the stage on which the con artists perform to their clients. It is on both that the play creates true (if temporary) transformations: Face into Captain or Lungs or Jeremy, Doll into a great lady or the Queen of the Fairies, Subtle into alchemist or cunning-man. As the Argument makes clear, once the tricksters have drawn their contract, ‘all begin to act’ (8).

Materials for perfection

Jonson needed the raw materials for his theatrical alchemy just as assuredly as the trio’s gulls paid for the raw materials for Subtle’s laboratory (or so they thought). As usual with Jonson, there is nothing even beginning to approximate to a narrative source on which that ‘intense and burning art’ can operate. Underpinned by Jonson’s fascination with Aristophanic forms, that drama of overarching fantasy that draws disparate individuals to the place of dramatic action that feeds their individual delusions, The Alchemist does not make specific use of Aristophanes, unless the gibberish that is the fairy language in 3.5 is indeed derived from a passage in The Birds which Jonson, or another owner of the copy of the 1607 edition of Aristophanes, underlined (see 3.5.33n.). Plautus’s Mostellaria (‘The Haunted House’) is quite likely to have been the source for the scene of Lovewit’s return (5.2), for Face’s suggestion that the plague has visited the house and that the neighbours have been seeing apparitions is like the servant’s ploy that the house is haunted in Plautus.

For the various tricks used to advance the ‘venture tripartite’, there were many possible sources. Jonson may have made use of the dialogue on ‘Alexander the False Prophet’ by Lucian with its account of a faker whose ‘talents’ as a prophet bring crowds to the oracle. But it is just as likely that Jonson and Lucian are no more than ‘similar in their treatment of “pseudomantic” imposture’ (Dunn, 1979, 198). It is, however, intriguing that Erasmus sent a copy of a version of ‘Alexander’ to the Bishop of Chartres with an extensive preface and praised it as ‘an object-lesson for detecting and refuting the impostures of those who even today pull wool over the eyes of the mob with their hocus-pocus miracles’ (quoted Dunn, 1979, 198–9). Two of Erasmus’s colloquies that were added to the August–September 1524 edition (Erasmus, 1965, 238) described con men using the trickery of alchemy to cheat their customers: the possible influence of ‘De Alcumista’ on Jonson’s play was first noted by Gifford; more recently it has been argued that Jonson might have used ‘Πτωχολογία’ or ‘Beggar Talk’ and, though the parallels are not especially convincing, it would be improbable if Jonson did not know the dialogue (Sterling and Evans, 1996).

Jonson certainly took the trouble to read enough of Hugh Broughton’s A Concent of Scripture (1590) to create a combination of different passages for Doll to spout in her ‘fit of talking’ (4.5.0 SD). He may have read Giordano Bruno’s Il Candelaio with its alchemist–charlatan, though he probably made no direct use of it; and he certainly drew on the tricks with which Chaucer’s alchemist deluded his clients in ‘The Canon’s Yeoman’s Tale’ from The Canterbury Tales. But Elizabethan London was full of such tricksters, both alchemists and cunning-people (for Subtle is both), willing to extract money from the gullible of every degree. Queen Elizabeth herself repeatedly invested money and hope in alchemists who promised – and failed – to fill her depleted coffers with the fruits of their alchemical labours.

If the idea that Jonson was specifically referring to the conning of Thomas Rogers out of money for the fairies by Sir Anthony Asheley and his brother-in-law in 1608–9 is unlikely (see Sisson, 1948, McCullen, 1950, Williams, 1972, and Levin, 1998), there were plenty of other similar gullings: in 1594, Judith Phillips, for example, created an elaborate ritual for a farmer and his wife in Hampshire to perform in order to meet the Queen of the Fairies before going off with £14 she had suggested would be needed (Levin, 1998, 213–20); Adam Squire, Master of Balliol College, Oxford, from 1571 to 1580, tricked three Somerset men out of money for a spirit that would ensure they won at gambling; Dr Elkes supplied a ring with a spirit within it for the same purpose (Thomas, 1971, 231). It is tempting to think that John and Alice West, who tricked Thomas Moore and his wife by dressing ‘like the King and Queen of Fairies’ (West, Several Notorious and Lewd Cozenages, 1614, sigs. B1r–v), were imitating Jonson’s play (or Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor, in which Falstaff is tricked into meeting the Queen of the Fairies) as much as the brilliant con of Judith Phillips. Nothing in Jonson’s imagination, however, quite compares with the astonishing longevity of Mary Parrish’s trickery of Goodwin Wharton and his friends for decades at the end of the century (see Clark, 1984).

There were astrologers too who, like Subtle’s exploration of the feng shui for Drugger’s shop, advised clients on anything that might bring good luck; some were con men but others, like Simon Forman or William Lilly, may well have believed in their own skills, as Subtle seems at moments to do, as when he claims to have made Face ‘a second in mine own great art’ (1.1.77) and just as Face needs to be reminded by Doll that he is only ‘A whoreson upstart apocryphal captain’ (1.1.127). The problem for all con artists is the blurring of the line which divides tricking others from fooling oneself. By the end of the play Subtle and Doll become Face’s gulls, fooled by him and thrown out without a penny share of the profits.

Many strands of The Alchemist’s complex plot have nothing to do with alchemy proper, but the play is deeply informed by an alchemical world view that few modern readers will completely share or fully understand (on alchemy and Jonson’s use of it see especially H&S (10:46–47), Mares (xxi–xl), and Kernan (Appendix 1); also Duncan, 1946, Holmyard, 1957, Klossowski de Rola, 1973, Debus, 1987, Mebane, 1989, Roberts, 1994, Linden, 1996, Newman and Grafton, 2001, and Moran, 2005). The alchemical tradition came to western Europe in the twelfth century, in texts combining biblical, Muslim, and Chinese lore and in practices drawn from magic, medicine, and metallurgy. Its underlying principle was a dynamic process — at once physical, spiritual, and artistic — in which base materials are transformed into a more perfect state. The process was universal and natural, even if the alchemist’s participation in it (like that of the artist) was artificial. The elements were always becoming more perfect, and nature itself was slowly turning the earth’s lesser metals into gold: the alchemist’s job was simply to speed up the work in the laboratory, by distilling and refining combinations of mercury, sulphur, and salt (and crucially, if more confusingly, the principles each one embodied), in vessels of various shapes and sizes, through the application of heat of varying intensity.

In practice, this process was anything but simple, and there were almost as many methods as there were alchemists: references to materials, amounts, and durations were not only notoriously vague but indirectly expressed through a bewildering variety of figurative terms (introduced, ostensibly, to prevent powerful secrets from falling into vulgar hands). ‘Pelican’, for instance, might refer to a circulating vessel with a curved top, but it might also serve as a symbol for the ‘red elixir’ or the stage in the process known as ‘multiplication’; and the single most important material, Mercury, might be described as the white woman, mermaid, hermaphrodite, fleeing hart, rain, river, dragon, bee, lion, or priest (Abraham, 1998, ⅹⅶ–ⅹⅷ) – and this is only a partial list! But in theory the process always involved a precise sequence of stages (typically including conjunction, putrefaction, sublimation, exaltation, and multiplication), signalled by an accompanying series of colours (generally moving from black to intense red), leading to the successful production of the so-called philosopher’s stone, the perfect ‘quintessential’ material that could not only turn other metals into gold but heal the body and purify the soul. In a world like Jonson’s, where old ills and new opportunities gave renewed power to dreams of transformation of all sorts, it is easy to see why businessmen, doctors, reformers, and princes alike might be equally vulnerable to the alchemical gold fever of Mammon – ‘If his dream last’, Subtle muses, ‘he’ll turn the age to gold’ (1.4.29).

Alchemists (whether serious or fraudulent) were surprisingly rare on the Renaissance stage, but alchemical texts were readily available in Renaissance libraries – and here again Jonson proved to be characteristically well read. Alchemy spawned a prodigious literature, multiplying its authorities and generating the increasingly elaborate terminology that Surly parodies as ‘a brave language’ akin to the ‘canting’ (or private slang) of thieves (2.3.42): ‘Your oil of height, your tree of life, your blood, / Your marcasite, your tutty, your magnesia, / Your toad, your crow, your dragon, and your panther, / Your sun, your moon, your firmament, your adrop, / Your lato, azoch, zarnich, chibrit, heautarit’ (2.3.187–91). All of these terms can in fact be traced to one or more of the period’s alchemical sources, and however satirical Jonson’s intentions may have been, he produced in The Alchemist one of Renaissance England’s most serious digests of alchemical learning: such is the depth and precision of Jonson’s knowledge that he is the single most-quoted author in the most thorough modern dictionary of alchemical imagery (Abraham, 1998). Some passages in The Alchemist seem to be directly lifted from the alchemical writings of Geber, Paracelsus, Thomas Norton, Arnold of Villanova, Martin Del Rio, and the other authors cited in our commentary, and Jonson was even credited in at least one alchemical manuscript with inventing a recipe of his own (a manuscript compilation of alchemical procedures from c.1600–10 in the Isham Lamport Papers at the Northamptonshire Record Office (MS IL 3422, viii, f.14) has a set of instructions for ‘The reduction of [mercury] out of cinabre’ and is attributed to ‘B. Ihonson’). But in such a vast literature it is often difficult to be sure when quotation is happening or where Jonson has inadvertently repeated an alchemical commonplace.

Given that both the comic and the conning power of Subtle’s alchemical ‘canting’ depended upon its mystifying exoticism, modern editors find themselves in the strange position of providing explanatory glosses for terms that were – to some extent – never meant to be understood. Nonetheless, readers who attempt to follow the enthusiastic Mammon and the sceptical Surly into the labyrinths of alchemical imagery will discover that Jonson found there a system of symbolic action every bit as powerful as the theatrical and commercial processes he consistently intertwined in his plays. Jonson drew on alchemy and its language not only for extended metaphors on complexions and behaviours (as in the beginning of 2.2) but for what Karl Marx later recognized as the master metaphor of capitalist exchange, famously described in Capital as ‘the great social retort into which everything is thrown . . . Nothing is immune from this alchemy, the bones of saints cannot withstand it’ (Knapp, 2000, 576). Fascinated by the language of puritans, prospectors, and alchemists alike, Jonson transforms these materials into the potently transforming capabilities of the play’s language, for, as Anne Barton shows (Barton, 1984, 150),

The true alchemy of The Alchemist is linguistic. Despite all his talk . . . Subtle is never going to alter the nature of metals by chemical means. Words, on the other hand, are a potent elixir, capable (at least temporarily) of making the ugly beautiful, the sordid grand, restoring age to youth, and transforming dross into something precious.

Theatre and print

The little three-person theatre company that puts on its shows in The Alchemist does so with great brilliance and with such a commitment to their paying and repeatedly returning audience that even at the very last moment of crisis they feel obliged to play out the Queen of the Fairies scenario. Their performances are watched by clients who want both to have their imaginations fed (or in Mammon’s case, his imagination of feeding) and to participate in ways that the playgoers at the Blackfriars did not expect to do. The conned become actors too, even those who think that they are above it (like Surly’s performance as a Spanish count). Only Lovewit is a willing, cautious and entirely successful participant in the performances in his house. Even the audience is tricked: is there really an explosion in the laboratory in 4.5? Perhaps we too have come to believe that there was more in this house of illusions than

The empty walls, worse than I left ’em, smoked,

A few cracked pots and glasses, and a furnace,

The ceiling filled with poesies of the candle,

And madam with a dildo writ o’the walls.

(5.5.39–42)

Jonson took care with the movement from performance to print, the re-forming of the transient materials of theatre into the fixity of publication, attempting not to leave as little evidence as Lovewit found of the exhilaration of the theatrical performance of the fantasies. He seems to have taken good care over the printing of the first edition, the quarto (Q) that Walter Burre brought out in 1612, having entered it in the Stationers’ Register on 3 October 1610. Jonson was probably the source of the changes between uncorrected and corrected states of the preface to the reader (see collations). He made a number of further changes for the text that would be printed by William Stansby in the 1616 folio (F1) of his Works, some to avoid prosecution for blasphemy, some to correct errors in the copy of Q used for printing (see H. Davis, 1958), some to revise moments in the play. There was a fairly extensive rewriting of the dedication and changes, not least for the sake of consistency, in punctuation, capitalization, italicization. Unlike many other plays in F1, there are few variants in the text of The Alchemist and none of those variants affects the readings for a modernized edition like this one.

This edition is based on F1, with occasional emendations from Q. The only modern scholar to make a serious case for the superior authority of Q is Henry de Vocht: in a series of editions based on Jonson’s quarto texts (culminating in his Alchemist of 1950), de Vocht assembled a vast body of evidence in the service of what H&S describe as a full-scale ‘attack on the authority of the Folio’ (9.74) – or, more accurately, upon Jonson’s contributions to it, since de Vocht attributes the changes to Stansby and his associates. But every other modern editor has assumed, with H&S, that Jonson participated in the production of F1 and was responsible for most if not all of the significant changes in the text. Whether or not they all represent Jonson’s ‘considered intention’ (as Mares put it), there is no compelling reason in this case – unlike some of the other plays in this edition – for reverting to Q.

Perhaps the most striking change in the F1 text is the addition of stage directions – a feature almost completely absent in Q – and these details give modern editors, readers, and performers more to work with in thinking through the staging of the play. In one area in particular, Jonson’s choice of a classical model for scene division, marking a new scene when a character enters or leaves the stage, poses a difficulty for editors, for there are moments when the stage action as F1 represents it may or may not be precisely what happened in early modern performance. When exactly a character enters, whether a character exits a few lines before the scene break, whether someone exits and re-enters are all problems where the conventions of F1 are no clear guide. But we have generally and deliberately chosen to stick closely to the cues printed in F1 (providing less in the way of elaboration, within the text, than many modern editors have offered), not out of a misplaced conservatism but in order to leave staging open to interpretation, using our commentary as a place to discuss the possibilities of different stagings. We prefer not to close off the reader’s choices but instead to leave the ambiguities of F1’s forms as questions that provoke choices, different ways of perfecting the action of the plot, the extraordinary act of dramatic conjuring that Jonson, the consummate alchemist and cunning-man, creates throughout the play.

TO THE LADY, MOST DESERVING
HER NAME AND BLOOD:
Mary, Lady Wroth

Madam,

In the age of sacrifices, the truth of religion was not in the greatness and fat

of the offerings, but in the devotion and zeal of the sacrificers. Else, what could a

handful of gums have done in the sight of a hecatomb? Or how might I appear at

this altar, except with those affections that no less love the light and witness than 5

they have the conscience of your virtue? If what I offer bear an acceptable odour

and hold the first strength, it is your value of it which remembers where, when,

and to whom it was kindled. Otherwise, as the times are, there comes rarely forth

that thing so full of authority or example but by assiduity and custom grows less

and loses. This, yet safe in your judgement (which is a Sidney’s), is forbidden to 10

speak more, lest it talk or look like one of the ambitious faces of the time who, the

more they paint, are the less themselves.

Your Ladyship’s true honourer,

Ben Jonson

TO THE READER

If thou be’st more, thou art an understander, and then I trust thee. If thou art

one that takest up, and but a pretender, beware at what hands thou receivest

thy commodity; for thou wert never more fair in the way to be cozened (than in

this age) in poetry, especially in plays, wherein now the concupiscence of dances

and antics so reigneth, as to run away from nature and be afraid of her is the 5

only point of art that tickles the spectators. But how out of purpose and place

do I name art? When the professors are grown so obstinate contemners of it and

presumers on their own naturals, as they are deriders of all diligence that way

and, by simple mocking at the terms when they understand not the things, think

to get off wittily with their ignorance. Nay, they are esteemed the more learned 10

and sufficient for this by the many through their excellent vice of judgement.

For they commend writers as they do fencers or wrestlers who, if they come in

robustiously and put for it with a great deal of violence, are received for the braver

fellows, when many times their own rudeness is the cause of their disgrace, and

a little touch of their adversary gives all that boisterous force the foil. I deny not 15

but that these men, who always seek to do more than enough, may sometime

happen on something that is good and great, but very seldom; and when it comes

it doth not recompense the rest of their ill. It sticks out, perhaps, and is more

eminent because all is sordid and vile about it, as lights are more discerned in a

thick darkness than a faint shadow. I speak not this out of a hope to do good on 20

any man against his will, for I know if it were put to the question of theirs and

mine, the worse would find more suffrages, because the most favour common

errors. But I give thee this warning, that there is a great difference between those

that (to gain the opinion of copy) utter all they can, however unfitly, and those

that use election and a mean. For it is only the disease of the unskilful to think 25

rude things greater than polished, or scattered more numerous than composed.

The Persons of the Play

SUBTLE: the alchemist
FACE: the housekeeper
DOLL COMMON: their colleague
DAPPER: a clerk
ABEL DRUGGER: a tobacco-man 5
SIR EPICURE MAMMON: a knight
PERTINAX SURLY: a gamester
TRIBULATION WHOLESOME: a pastor of Amsterdam
ANANIAS: a deacon there
KASTRIL: the angry boy 10
DAME PLIANT: his sister, a widow
LOVEWIT: master of the house
NEIGHBOURS
OFFICERS
MUTES [including PARSON]: 15

THE SCENE: LONDON

The Argument

T he sickness hot, a master quit, for fear,

H is house in town, and left one servant there.

E ase him corrupted, and gave means to know

A cheater and his punk, who, now brought low,

L eaving their narrow practice, were become 5

C ozeners at large; and, only wanting some

H ouse to set up, with him they here contract,

E ach for a share, and all begin to act.

M uch company they draw and much abuse

I n casting figures, telling fortunes, news, 10

S elling of flies, flat bawdry, with the stone,

T ill it and they and all in fume are gone.

Prologue

Fortune, that favours fools, these two short hours

We wish away, both for your sakes and ours,

Judging spectators, and desire in place

To th’author justice, to ourselves but grace.

Our scene is London, ’cause we would make known 5

No country’s mirth is better than our own.

No clime breeds better matter for your whore,

Bawd, squire, imposter, many persons more,

Whose manners, now called humours, feed the stage,

And which have still been subject for the rage 10

Or spleen of comic writers. Though this pen

Did never aim to grieve but better men,

Howe’er the age he lives in doth endure

The vices that she breeds above their cure.

But when the wholesome remedies are sweet, 15

And, in their working, gain and profit meet,

He hopes to find no spirit so much diseased

But will with such fair correctives be pleased.

For here he doth not fear who can apply.

If there be any that will sit so nigh 20

Unto the stream, to look what it doth run,

They shall find things they’d think or wish were done;

They are so natural follies, but so shown

As even the doers may see and yet not own.

1.1 [Enter] FACE [with his sword drawn], SUBTLE [holding a glass containing a liquid, and] DOLL COMMON.

FACE

Believe’t, I will.

SUBTLE

Thy worst. I fart at thee.

DOLL

Ha’ you your wits? Why, gentlemen! For love —

FACE

Sirrah, I’ll strip you —

SUBTLE

What to do? Lick figs

Out at my —

FACE

Rogue, rogue, out of all your sleights.

DOLL

Nay, look ye! Sovereign, General, are you madmen? 5

SUBTLE

Oh, let the wild sheep loose. I’ll gum your silks

With good strong water, an you come.

DOLL

Will you have

The neighbours hear you? Will you betray all?

Hark, I hear somebody.

FACE

Sirrah —

SUBTLE

I shall mar

All that the tailor has made if you approach. 10

FACE

You most notorious whelp, you insolent slave,

Dare you do this?

SUBTLE

Yes, faith, yes, faith.

FACE

Why, who

Am I, my mongrel? Who am I?

SUBTLE

I’ll tell you,

Since you know not yourself —

FACE

Speak lower, rogue.

SUBTLE

Yes. You were once (time’s not long past) the good, 15

Honest, plain, livery-three-pound-thrum that kept

Your master’s Worship’s house, here, in the Friars,

For the vacations —

FACE

Will you be so loud?

SUBTLE

Since, by my means, translated suburb-captain.

FACE

By your means, Doctor Dog?

SUBTLE

Within man’s memory, 20

All this I speak of.

FACE

Why, I pray you, have I

Been countenanced by you? Or you by me?

Do but collect, sir, where I met you first.

SUBTLE

I do not hear well.

FACE

Not of this, I think it.

But I shall put you in mind, sir: at Pie Corner, 25

Taking your meal of steam in from cooks’ stalls,

Where, like the father of hunger, you did walk

Piteously costive, with your pinched-horn nose,

And your complexion of the Roman wash,

Stuck full of black and melancholic worms, 30

Like powder corns shot at th’Artillery Yard.

SUBTLE

I wish you could advance your voice a little.

FACE

When you went pinned up in the several rags

You’d raked and picked from dunghills before day,

Your feet in mouldy slippers, for your kibes, 35

A felt of rug, and a thin threaden cloak

That scarce would cover your no-buttocks —

SUBTLE

So, sir!

FACE

When all your alchemy and your algebra,

Your minerals, vegetals, and animals,

Your conjuring, cozening, and your dozen of trades 40

Could not relieve your corpse with so much linen

Would make you tinder but to see a fire,

I ga’ you count’nance, credit for your coals,

Your stills, your glasses, your materials,

Built you a furnace, drew you customers, 45

Advanced all your black arts, lent you, beside,

A house to practise in —

SUBTLE

Your master’s house?

FACE

Where you have studied the more thriving skill

Of bawdry since.

SUBTLE

Yes, in your master’s house.

You and the rats here kept possession. 50

Make it not strange. I know yo’were one could keep

The buttery-hatch still locked and save the chippings,

Sell the dole-beer to aqua-vitae men,

The which, together with your Christmas vails,

At post and pair, your letting out of counters, 55

Made you a pretty stock, some twenty marks,

And gave you credit to converse with cobwebs,

Here, since your mistress’ death hath broke up house.

FACE

You might talk softlier, rascal.

SUBTLE

No, you scarab,

I’ll thunder you in pieces. I will teach you 60

How to beware to tempt a fury again

That carries tempest in his hand and voice.

FACE

The place has made you valiant.

SUBTLE

No, your clothes.

Thou vermin, have I ta’en thee out of dung,

So poor, so wretched, when no living thing 65

Would keep thee company but a spider or worse?

Raised thee from brooms and dust and wat’ring pots?

Sublimed thee and exalted thee and fixed thee

I’the third region, called our state of grace?

Wrought thee to spirit, to quintessence, with pains 70

Would twice have won me the philosopher’s work?

Put thee in words, and fashion? Made thee fit

For more than ordinary fellowships?

Giv’n thee thy oaths, thy quarrelling dimensions?

Thy rules to cheat at horse-race, cockpit, cards, 75

Dice, or whatever gallant tincture else?

Made thee a second in mine own great art?

And have I this for thank? Do you rebel?

Do you fly out i’the projection?

Would you be gone now?

DOLL

Gentlemen, what mean you? 80

Will you mar all?

SUBTLE

Slave, thou hadst had no name —

DOLL

Will you undo yourselves with civil war?

SUBTLE

Never been known past equi clibanum,

The heat of horse-dung, underground in cellars

Or an alehouse darker than Deaf John’s, been lost 85

To all mankind but laundresses and tapsters,

Had not I been.

DOLL

D’you know who hears you, Sovereign?

FACE

Sirrah —

DOLL

Nay, General, I thought you were civil —

FACE

I shall turn desperate if you grow thus loud.

SUBTLE

And hang thyself, I care not.

FACE

Hang thee, collier, 90

And all thy pots and pans, in picture I will,

Since thou hast moved me —

DOLL

Oh, this’ll o’erthrow all.

FACE

Write thee up bawd in Paul’s, have all thy tricks

Of coz’ning with a hollow coal, dust, scrapings,

Searching for things lost with a sieve and shears, 95

Erecting figures in your rows of houses,

And taking in of shadows with a glass,

Told in red letters — and a face cut for thee

Worse than Gamaliel Ratsey’s.

DOLL

Are you sound?

Ha’ you your senses, masters?

FACE

I will have 100

A book but barely reckoning thy impostures

Shall prove a true philosopher’s stone to printers.

SUBTLE

Away, you trencher-rascal!

FACE

Out, you dog-leech,

The vomit of all prisons —

DOLL

Will you be

Your own destructions, gentlemen?

FACE

Still spewed out 105

For lying too heavy o’the basket.

SUBTLE

Cheater!

FACE

Bawd!

SUBTLE

Cowherd!

FACE

Conjurer!

SUBTLE

Cutpurse!

FACE

Witch!

DOLL

Oh, me!

We are ruined! Lost! Ha’ you no more regard

To your reputations? Where’s your judgement? ’Slight,

Have yet some care of me, o’your republic — 110

FACE

Away this brach. I’ll bring thee, rogue, within

The statute of sorcery, tricesimo tertio

Of Harry the eight — ay, and (perhaps) thy neck

Within a noose for laundering gold and barbing it.

DOLL

You’ll bring your head within a coxcomb, will you? 115

She catcheth out Face his sword, and breaks Subtle’s glass.

And you, sir, with your menstrue, gather it up.

’Sdeath, you abominable pair of stinkards,

Leave off your barking and grow one again

Or, by the light that shines, I’ll cut your throats.

I’ll not be made a prey unto the marshal 120

For ne’er a snarling dog-bolt o’you both.

Ha’ you together cozened all this while,

And all the world, and shall it now be said

You’ve made most courteous shift to cozen yourselves?

[To Face] You will accuse him? You will bring him in 125

Within the statute? Who shall take your word?

A whoreson upstart apocryphal captain,

Whom not a puritan in Blackfriars will trust

So much as for a feather! [To Subtle] And you too

Will give the cause, forsooth? You will insult 130

And claim a primacy in the divisions?

You must be chief? As if you only had

The powder to project with? And the work

Were not begun out of equality?

The venture tripartite? All things in common? 135

Without priority? ’Sdeath, you perpetual curs,

Fall to your couples again and cozen kindly

And heartily and lovingly, as you should,

And lose not the beginning of a term,

Or by this hand I shall grow factious too 140

And take my part and quit you.

FACE

’Tis his fault.

He ever murmurs and objects his pains,

And says the weight of all lies upon him.

SUBTLE

Why, so it does.

DOLL

How does it? Do not we

Sustain our parts?

SUBTLE

Yes, but they are not equal. 145

DOLL

Why, if your part exceed today, I hope

Ours may tomorrow match it.

SUBTLE

Ay, they may.

DOLL

‘May’, murmuring mastiff? Ay, and do. Death on me!

[To Face] Help me to throttle him!

SUBTLE

Dorothy, Mistress Dorothy,

’Ods precious, I’ll do anything. What do you mean? 150

DOLL

Because o’your fermentation and cibation?

SUBTLE

Not I, by heaven —

DOLL

Your Sol and Luna — [To Face] Help me!

SUBTLE

Would I were hanged, then. I’ll conform myself.

DOLL

Will you, sir? Do so then, and quickly: swear.

SUBTLE

What should I swear?

DOLL

To leave your faction, sir. 155

And labour kindly in the common work.

SUBTLE

Let me not breathe if I meant aught beside.

I only used those speeches as a spur

To him.

DOLL

I hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?

FACE

’Slid, prove today who shall shark best.

SUBTLE

Agreed. 160

DOLL

Yes, and work close and friendly.

SUBTLE

’Slight, the knot

Shall grow the stronger for this breach, with me.

DOLL

Why so, my good baboons. Shall we go make

A sort of sober, scurvy, precise neighbours

(That scarce have smiled twice sin’ the King came in) 165

A feast of laughter at our follies? Rascals

Would run themselves from breath to see me ride,

Or you t’have but a hole to thrust your heads in,

For which you should pay ear-rent? No, agree.

And may Don Provost ride a-feasting long 170

In his old velvet jerkin and stained scarves —

My noble sovereign and worthy general —

Ere we contribute a new crewel garter

To His most worsted Worship.

SUBTLE

Royal Doll!

Spoken like Claridiana, and thyself. 175

FACE

For which, at supper, thou shalt sit in triumph

And not be styled Doll Common but Doll Proper,

Doll Singular. The longest cut at night

Shall draw thee for his Doll Particular.

[A bell rings.]

SUBTLE

Who’s that? One rings. To the window, Doll. Pray heaven 180

The master do not trouble us this quarter.

FACE

Oh, fear not him. While there dies one a week

O’the plague, he’s safe from thinking toward London.

Beside, he’s busy at his hopyards now;

I had a letter from him. If he do, 185

He’ll send such word for airing o’the house

As you shall have sufficient time to quit it.

Though we break up a fortnight, ’tis no matter.

SUBTLE

Who is it, Doll?

DOLL

A fine young quodling.

FACE

Oh,

My lawyer’s clerk I lighted on last night 190

In Holborn, at the Dagger. He would have

(I told you of him) a familiar,

To rifle with at horses and win cups.

DOLL

Oh, let him in.

SUBTLE

Stay. Who shall do’t?

FACE

Get you

Your robes on. I will meet him, as going out. 195

DOLL

And what shall I do?

FACE

Not be seen. Away! [Exit Doll.]

Seem you very reserved.

SUBTLE

Enough.

FACE

[Raising his voice] God b’wi’you, sir.

I pray you, let him know that I was here.

His name is Dapper. I would gladly have stayed, but —

1.2

DAPPER

[Within] Captain, I am here.

FACE

Who’s that? — He’s come, I think, Doctor.

[Enter DAPPER.]

Good faith, sir, I was going away.

DAPPER

In truth,

I’m very sorry, Captain.

FACE

But I thought

Sure I should meet you.

DAPPER

Ay, I’m very glad.

I had a scurvy writ or two to make, 5

And I had lent my watch last night to one

That dines today at the sheriff’s, and so was robbed

Of my pastime. Is this the cunning-man?

FACE

This is His Worship.

DAPPER

Is he a doctor?

FACE

Yes.

DAPPER

And ha’ you broke with him, Captain?

FACE

Ay.

DAPPER

And how? 10

FACE

Faith, he does make the matter, sir, so dainty,

I know not what to say —

DAPPER

Not so, good Captain.

FACE

Would I were fairly rid on’t, believe me.

DAPPER

Nay, now you grieve me, sir. Why should you wish so?

I dare assure you, I’ll not be ungrateful. 15

FACE

I cannot think you will, sir. But the law

Is such a thing — and then, he says, Read’s matter

Falling so lately —

DAPPER

Read? He was an ass,

And dealt, sir, with a fool.

FACE

It was a clerk, sir.

DAPPER

A clerk?

FACE

Nay, hear me, sir, you know the law 20

Better, I think —

DAPPER

I should, sir, and the danger.

You know I showed the statute to you?

FACE

You did so.

DAPPER

And will I tell, then? By this hand of flesh,

Would it might never write good court-hand more

If I discover. What do you think of me, 25

That I am a chiaus?

FACE

What’s that?

DAPPER

The Turk was here —

As one would say, ‘Do you think I am a Turk?’

FACE

I’ll tell the Doctor so.

DAPPER

Do, good sweet Captain.

FACE

Come, noble Doctor, pray thee, let’s prevail.

This is the gentleman, and he is no chiaus. 30

SUBTLE

Captain, I have returned you all my answer.

I would do much, sir, for your love — but this

I neither may nor can.

FACE

Tut, do not say so.

You deal now with a noble fellow, Doctor,

One that will thank you richly, and he’s no chiaus. 35

Let that, sir, move you.

SUBTLE

Pray you, forbear —

FACE

He has

Four angels here —

SUBTLE

You do me wrong, good sir.

FACE

Doctor, wherein? To tempt you with these spirits?

SUBTLE

To tempt my art and love, sir, to my peril.

’Fore heaven, I scarce can think you are my friend, 40

That so would draw me to apparent danger.

FACE

I draw you? A horse draw you, and a halter,

You and your flies together —

DAPPER

Nay, good Captain —

FACE

That know no difference of men.

SUBTLE

Good words, sir.

FACE

Good deeds, sir, Doctor Dog’s-meat. ’Slight, I bring you 45

No cheating Clim-o’the-Cloughs or Claribels

That look as big as five-and-fifty and flush,

And spit out secrets like hot custard —

DAPPER

Captain —

FACE

Nor any melancholic under-scribe

Shall tell the vicar; but a special gentle 50

That is the heir to forty marks a year,

Consorts with the small poets of the time,

Is the sole hope of his old grandmother,

That knows the law and writes you six fair hands,

Is a fine clerk, and has his ciphering perfect, 55

Will take his oath o’the Greek Xenophon,

If need be, in his pocket, and can court

His mistress out of Ovid.

DAPPER

Nay, dear Captain.

FACE

Did you not tell me so?

DAPPER

Yes, but I’d ha’ you

Use Master Doctor with some more respect. 60

FACE

Hang him, proud stag, with his broad velvet head!

But for your sake, I’d choke ere I would change

An article of breath with such a puckfist —

Come let’s be gone.

[Face starts to leave.]

SUBTLE

Pray you, le’ me speak with you.

DAPPER

His Worship calls you, Captain.

FACE

I am sorry 65

I e’er embarked myself in such a business.

DAPPER

Nay, good sir. He did call you.

FACE

Will he take, then?

SUBTLE

First, hear me —

FACE

[HE offers money.] Not a syllable, ’less you take.

SUBTLE

Pray ye, sir —

FACE

Upon no terms but an assumpsit.

SUBTLE

Your humour must be law.

He takes the money.

FACE

Why now, sir, talk. 70

Now I dare hear you with mine honour. Speak.

So may this gentleman too.

SUBTLE

Why, sir —

FACE

No whisp’ring.

SUBTLE

’Fore heaven, you do not apprehend the loss

You do yourself in this.

FACE

Wherein? For what?

SUBTLE

Marry, to be so importunate for one 75

That, when he has it, will undo you all:

He’ll win up all the money i’the town.

FACE

How!

SUBTLE

Yes. And blow up gamester after gamester

As they do crackers in a puppet-play.

If I do give him a familiar, 80

Give you him all you play for. Never set him,

For he will have it.

FACE

You’re mistaken, Doctor.

Why, he does ask one but for cups and horses,

A rifling fly, none o’your great familiars.

DAPPER

Yes, Captain, I would have it for all games. 85

SUBTLE

I told you so.

FACE

’Slight, that’s a new business!

I understood you, a tame bird, to fly

Twice in a term or so, on Friday nights

When you had left the office, for a nag

Of forty or fifty shillings.

DAPPER

Ay, ’tis true, sir, 90

But I do think now I shall leave the law,

And therefore —

FACE

Why, this changes quite the case!

D’you think that I dare move him?

DAPPER

If you please, sir.

All’s one to him, I see.

FACE

What! For that money?

I cannot with my conscience. Nor should you 95

Make the request, methinks.

DAPPER

No, sir, I mean

To add consideration.

FACE

Why, then, sir,

I’ll try. — Say that it were for all games, Doctor?

SUBTLE

I say, then, not a mouth shall eat for him

At any ordinary but o’the score, 100

That is a gaming mouth, conceive me.

FACE

Indeed!

SUBTLE

He’ll draw you all the treasure of the realm

If it be set him.

FACE

Speak you this from art?

SUBTLE

Ay, sir, and reason too, the ground of art.

He’s o’the only best complexion 105

The Queen of Fairy loves.

FACE

What! Is he?

SUBTLE

Peace!

He’ll overhear you. Sir, should she but see him —

FACE

What?

SUBTLE

Do not you tell him.

FACE

Will he win at cards too?

SUBTLE

The spirits of dead Holland, living Isaac,

You’d swear were in him: such a vigorous luck 110

As cannot be resisted. ’Slight, he’ll put

Six o’your gallants to a cloak, indeed.

FACE

A strange success that some man shall be born to!

SUBTLE

He hears you, man —

DAPPER

Sir, I’ll not be ingrateful.

FACE

Faith, I have a confidence in his good nature. 115

You hear, he says he will not be ingrateful.

SUBTLE

Why, as you please. My venture follows yours.

FACE

Troth, do it, Doctor. Think him trusty, and make him.

He may make us both happy in an hour:

Win some five thousand pound and send us two on’t. 120

DAPPER

Believe it, and I will, sir.

FACE

And you shall, sir.

Face takes him [Dapper] aside.

You have heard all?

DAPPER

No, what was’t? Nothing, I, sir.

FACE

Nothing?

DAPPER

A little, sir.

FACE

Well, a rare star

Reigned at your birth.

DAPPER

At mine, sir? No.

FACE

The Doctor

Swears that you are —

SUBTLE

Nay, Captain, you’ll tell all now. 125

FACE

Allied to the Queen of Fairy.

DAPPER

Who? That I am?

Believe it, no such matter —

FACE

Yes, and that

Yo’were born with a caul o’your head.

DAPPER

Who says so?

FACE

Come.

You know it well enough, though you dissemble it.

DAPPER

I’fac, I do not. You are mistaken.

FACE

How! 130

Swear by your fac? And in a thing so known

Unto the Doctor? How shall we, sir, trust you

I’the other matter? Can we ever think

When you have won five or six thousand pound

You’ll send us shares in’t, by this rate?

DAPPER

By Jove, sir, 135

I’ll win ten thousand pound and send you half.

‘I’fac’’s no oath.

SUBTLE

No, no, he did but jest.

FACE

Go to. Go, thank the Doctor. He’s your friend

To take it so.

DAPPER

I thank His Worship.

FACE

So?

Another angel.

DAPPER

Must I?

FACE

Must you? ’Slight, 140

What else is thanks? Will you be trivial? — Doctor,

When must he come for his familiar?

DAPPER

Shall I not ha’ it with me?

SUBTLE

Oh, good sir!

There must a world of ceremonies pass:

You must be bathed and fumigated first; 145

Besides, the Queen of Fairy does not rise

Till it be noon —

FACE

Not if she danced tonight.

SUBTLE

And she must bless it.

FACE

Did you never see

Her royal Grace yet?

DAPPER

Whom?

FACE

Your aunt of Fairy?

SUBTLE

Not since she kissed him in the cradle, Captain, 150

I can resolve you that.

FACE

Well, see Her Grace

Whate’er it cost you, for a thing that I know!

It will be somewhat hard to compass; but,

However, see her. You are made, believe it,

If you can see her. Her Grace is a lone woman 155

And very rich, and if she take a fancy

She will do strange things. See her, at any hand.

’Slid, she may hap to leave you all she has!

It is the Doctor’s fear.

DAPPER

How will’t be done, then?

FACE

Let me alone, take you no thought. Do you 160

But say to me, ‘Captain, I’ll see her Grace.’

DAPPER

Captain, I’ll see her Grace.

FACE

Enough.

One knocks without.

SUBTLE

Who’s there?

[Calling out.] Anon! [Aside to Face] Conduct him forth, by the back

way.

[To Dapper] Sir, against one o’clock, prepare yourself.

Till when you must be fasting; only take 165

Three drops of vinegar in at your nose,

Two at your mouth, and one at either ear,

Then bathe your fingers’ ends, and wash your eyes —

To sharpen your five senses — and cry ‘hum’

Thrice, and then ‘buzz’ as often, and then come. 170

FACE

Can you remember this?

DAPPER

I warrant you.

FACE

Well, then, away. ’Tis but your bestowing

Some twenty nobles ’mong Her Grace’s servants.

And put on a clean shirt. You do not know

What grace Her Grace may do you in clean linen. 175

[Exeunt Dapper and Face.]

1.3

SUBTLE

Come in.

[Enter] DRUGGER.

[Calling] Good wives, I pray you forbear me now.

Troth, I can do you no good, till afternoon. —

What is your name, say you? Abel Drugger?

DRUGGER

Yes, sir.

SUBTLE

A seller of tobacco?

DRUGGER

Yes, sir.

SUBTLE

’Umh.

Free of the Grocers?

DRUGGER

Ay, an’t please you.

SUBTLE

Well — 5

Your business, Abel?

DRUGGER

This, an’t please Your Worship:

I’m a young beginner and am building

Of a new shop, an’t like Your Worship; just

At a corner of a street.

[Shows the shop’s ground-plan.]

Here’s the plot on’t.

And I would know, by art, sir, of Your Worship, 10

Which way I should make my door, by necromancy.

And where my shelves. And, which should be for boxes.

And, which for pots. I would be glad to thrive, sir.

And, I was wished to Your Worship by a gentleman,

One Captain Face, that says you know men’s planets, 15

And their good angels and their bad.

SUBTLE

I do,

If I do see ’em —

[Enter] FACE.

FACE

What! My honest Abel?

Thou art well met here!

DRUGGER

Troth, sir, I was speaking,

Just as Your Worship came here, of Your Worship.

I pray you, speak for me to Master Doctor. 20

FACE

He shall do anything. Doctor, do you hear?

This is my friend, Abel, an honest fellow.

He lets me have good tobacco, and he does not

Sophisticate it with sack-lees or oil,

Nor washes it in muscadel and grains, 25

Nor buries it in gravel underground,

Wrapped up in greasy leather or pissed clouts,

But keeps it in fine lily-pots that, opened,

Smell like conserve of roses or French beans.

He has his maple block, his silver tongs, 30

Winchester pipes, and fire of juniper.

A neat, spruce, honest fellow, and no goldsmith.

SUBTLE

He’s a fortunate fellow, that I am sure on —

FACE

Already, sir, ha’ you found it? Lo thee, Abel!

SUBTLE

And in right way toward riches —

FACE

Sir!

SUBTLE

This summer 35

He will be of the clothing of his company,

And next spring called to the scarlet. Spend what he can.

FACE

What, and so little beard?

SUBTLE

Sir, you must think

He may have a receipt to make hair come.

But he’ll be wise, preserve his youth, and fine for’t. 40

His fortune looks for him another way.

FACE

’Slid, Doctor, how canst thou know this so soon?

I’m amused at that.

SUBTLE

By a rule, Captain,

In metoposcopy, which I do work by,

A certain star i’the forehead which you see not. 45

Your chestnut or your olive-coloured face

Does never fail, and your long ear doth promise.

I knew’t by certain spots, too, in his teeth,

And on the nail of his mercurial finger.

FACE

Which finger’s that?

SUBTLE

His little finger. Look. — 50

Yo’were born upon a Wednesday?

DRUGGER

Yes, indeed, sir.

SUBTLE

The thumb in chiromancy we give Venus,

The forefinger to Jove, the midst to Saturn,

The ring to Sol, the least to Mercury,

Who was the lord, sir, of his horoscope, 55

His house of life being Libra, which foreshowed

He should be a merchant and should trade with balance.

FACE

Why, this is strange! Is’t not, honest Nab?

SUBTLE

There is a ship now coming from Hormuz

That shall yield him such a commodity 60

Of drugs — [Pointing to the plan] This is the west, and this the south?

DRUGGER

Yes, sir.

SUBTLE

And those are your two sides?

DRUGGER

Ay, sir.

SUBTLE

Make me your door, then, south; your broad side west;

And on the east side of your shop, aloft,

Write Mathlai, Tarmiel, and Baraborat; 65

Upon the north part Rael, Velel, Thiel.

They are the names of those mercurial spirits

That do fright flies from boxes.

DRUGGER

Yes, sir.

SUBTLE

And

Beneath your threshold bury me a lodestone

To draw in gallants that wear spurs. The rest, 70

They’ll seem to follow.

FACE

That’s a secret, Nab.

SUBTLE

And on your stall, a puppet with a vice,

And a court-fucus to call city dames.

You shall deal much with minerals.

DRUGGER

Sir, I have

At home already —

SUBTLE

Ay, I know, you’ve arsenic, 75

Vitriol, sal-tartre, argol, alkali,

Cinnabar: I know all. This fellow, Captain,

Will come in time to be a great distiller

And give assay (I will not say directly,

But very fair) at the philosopher’s stone. 80

FACE

Why, how now, Abel! Is this true?

DRUGGER

Good Captain,

What must I give?

FACE

Nay, I’ll not counsel thee.

Thou hear’st what wealth — he says ‘Spend what thou canst’ —

Thou’rt like to come to.

DRUGGER

I would gi’ him a crown.

FACE

A crown! And toward such a fortune? Heart, 85

Thou shalt rather gi’ him thy shop. No gold about thee?

DRUGGER

Yes, I have a portague I ha’ kept this half-year.

FACE

Out on thee, Nab. ’Slight, there was such an offer —

Shalt keep’t no longer. I’ll gi’ it him for thee? —

Doctor, Nab prays Your Worship to drink this, and swears 90

He will appear more grateful as your skill

Does raise him in the world.

DRUGGER

I would entreat

Another favour of His Worship.

FACE

What is’t, Nab?

DRUGGER

But to look over, sir, my almanac,

And cross out my ill days, that I may neither 95

Bargain nor trust upon them.

FACE

That he shall, Nab.

Leave it, it shall be done ’gainst afternoon.

SUBTLE

And a direction for his shelves.

FACE

Now, Nab?

Art thou well pleased, Nab?

DRUGGER

Thank, sir, both Your Worships.

FACE

Away!

[Exit Drugger. ]

Why, now, you smoky persecutor of nature! 100

Now do you see that something’s to be done

Beside your beech-coal and your cor’sive waters,

Your crosslets, crucibles, and cucurbits?

You must have stuff brought home to you to work on?

And yet you think I am at no expense 105

In searching out these veins, then following ’em,

Then trying ’em out. ’Fore God, my intelligence

Costs me more money than my share oft comes to

In these rare works.

SUBTLE

You’re pleasant, sir. — How now?

1.4 [Enter] DOLL.

SUBTLE

What says my dainty Dollkin?

DOLL

Yonder fishwife

Will not away. And there’s your giantess,

The bawd of Lambeth.

SUBTLE

Heart, I cannot speak with ’em.

DOLL

Not afore night, I have told ’em, in a voice

Thorough the trunk, like one of your familiars. 5

But I have spied Sir Epicure Mammon —

SUBTLE

Where?

DOLL

Coming along at far end of the lane,

Slow of his feet, but earnest of his tongue

To one that’s with him.

SUBTLE

Face, go you and shift. [Exit Face.]

Doll, you must presently make ready too — 10

DOLL

Why, what’s the matter?

SUBTLE

Oh, I did look for him

With the sun’s rising. ’Marvel he could sleep!

This is the day I am to perfect for him

The magisterium, our great work, the stone,

And yield it, made, into his hands, of which 15

He has this month talked as he were possessed.

And now he’s dealing pieces on’t away.

Methinks I see him entering ordinaries

Dispensing for the pox, and plaguy-houses,

Reaching his dose, walking Moorfields for lepers, 20

And offering citizens’ wives pomander bracelets

As his preservative made of the elixir,

Searching the spital to make old bawds young

And the highways for beggars to make rich.

I see no end of his labours. He will make 25

Nature ashamed of her long sleep, when art,

Who’s but a stepdame, shall do more than she,

In her best love to mankind, ever could.

If his dream last, he’ll turn the age to gold. [Exeunt.]

2.1 [Enter] MAMMON [and] SURLY.

MAMMON

Come on, sir. Now you set your foot on shore

In novo orbe. Here’s the rich Peru,

And there within, sir, are the golden mines,

Great Solomon’s Ophir! He was sailing to’t

Three years, but we have reached it in ten months. 5

This is the day wherein, to all my friends,

I will pronounce the happy word: ‘Be rich.’

This day you shall be spectatissimi.

You shall no more deal with the hollow die

Or the frail card. No more be at charge of keeping 10

The livery-punk for the young heir that must

Seal at all hours in his shirt. No more

If he deny, ha’ him beaten to’t, as he is

That brings him the commodity. No more

Shall thirst of satin or the covetous hunger 15

Of velvet entrails for a rude-spun cloak,

To be displayed at Madam Augusta’s, make

The sons of sword and hazard fall before

The golden calf and, on their knees, whole nights,

Commit idolatry with wine and trumpets, 20

Or go a-feasting after drum and ensign.

No more of this. You shall start up young viceroys

And have your punks and punketees, my Surly.

And unto thee I speak it first: ‘Be rich.’

[Calling] Where is my Subtle, there? Within, ho!

FACE

(Within) Sir, 25

He’ll come to you by and by.

MAMMON

That’s his fire-drake,

His lungs, his Zephyrus, he that puffs his coals

Till he firk nature up in her own centre.

You are not faithful, sir. This night I’ll change

All that is metal in thy house to gold, 30

And early in the morning will I send

To all the plumbers and the pewterers

And buy their tin and lead up, and to Lothbury

For all the copper.

SURLY

What, and turn that too?

MAMMON

Yes, and I’ll purchase Devonshire and Cornwall 35

And make them perfect Indies! You admire now?

SURLY

No, faith.

MAMMON

But when you see th’effects of the great med’cine,

Of which one part projected on a hundred

Of Mercury, or Venus, or the Moon

Shall turn it to as many of the Sun, 40

Nay, to a thousand, so ad infinitum,

You will believe me.

SURLY

Yes, when I see’t, I will.

But if my eyes do cozen me so — and I

Giving ’em no occasion — sure, I’ll have

A whore shall piss ’em out next day.

MAMMON

Ha! Why? 45

Do you think I fable with you? I assure you,

He that has once the flower of the sun,

The perfect ruby which we call elixir,

Not only can do that, but by its virtue

Can confer honour, love, respect, long life, 50

Give safety, valour, yea, and victory

To whom he will. In eight-and-twenty days

I’ll make an old man of fourscore a child.

SURLY

No doubt he’s that already.

MAMMON

Nay, I mean

Restore his years, renew him like an eagle 55

To the fifth age, make him get sons and daughters,

Young giants, as our philosophers have done

(The ancient patriarchs afore the flood)

But taking, once a week on a knife’s point,

The quantity of a grain of mustard of it, 60

Become stout Marses and beget young Cupids.

SURLY

The decayed vestals of Pict Hatch would thank you,

That keep the fire alive there.

MAMMON

’Tis the secret

Of nature naturized ’gainst all infections,

Cures all diseases coming of all causes: 65

A month’s grief in a day, a year’s in twelve,

And of what age soever in a month —

Past all the doses of your drugging doctors.

I’ll undertake withal to fright the plague

Out o’the kingdom in three months. 70

SURLY

And, I’ll

Be bound, the players shall sing your praises then

Without their poets.

MAMMON

Sir, I’ll do’t. Meantime,

I’ll give away so much unto my man

Shall serve th’ whole city with preservative,

Weekly, each house his dose, and at the rate — 75

SURLY

As he that built the waterwork does with water?

MAMMON

You are incredulous.

SURLY

Faith, I have a humour,

I would not willingly be gulled. Your stone

Cannot transmute me.

MAMMON

Pertinax Surly,

Will you believe antiquity? Records? 80

I’ll show you a book where Moses and his sister

And Solomon have written of the art,

Ay, and a treatise penned by Adam.

SURLY

How!

MAMMON

O’the philosopher’s stone, and in High Dutch.

SURLY

Did Adam write, sir, in High Dutch?

MAMMON

He did, 85

Which proves it was the primitive tongue.

SURLY

What paper?

MAMMON

On cedar board.

SURLY

Oh, that indeed (they say)

Will last ’gainst worms.

MAMMON

’Tis like your Irish wood

’Gainst cobwebs. I have a piece of Jason’s fleece too,

Which was no other than a book of alchemy, 90

Writ in large sheepskin, a good fat ram-vellum.

Such was Pythagoras’ thigh, Pandora’s tub,

And all that fable of Medea’s charms,

The manner of our work: the bulls, our furnace,

Still breathing fire; our argent-vive, the Dragon; 95

The dragon’s teeth, mercury sublimate,

That keeps the whiteness, hardness, and the biting;

And they are gathered into Jason’s helm,

Th’alembic, and then sowed in Mars his field,

And thence sublimed so often till they are fixed. 100

Both this, th’Hesperian garden, Cadmus’ story,

Jove’s shower, the boon of Midas, Argus’ eyes,

Boccace his Demogorgon, thousands more,

All abstract riddles of our stone —

[Enter] FACE.

How now?

2.2

MAMMON

Do we succeed? Is our day come? And holds it?

FACE

The evening will set red upon you, sir.

You have colour for it, crimson: the red ferment

Has done his office. Three hours hence, prepare you

To see projection. 5

MAMMON

Pertinax, my Surly,

Again I say to thee, aloud: ‘Be rich.’

This day thou shalt have ingots, and tomorrow

Give lords th’affront. — Is it, my Zephyrus, right?

Blushes the bolt’s-head?

FACE

Like a wench with child, sir,

That were but now discovered to her master. 10

MAMMON

Excellent, witty Lungs! My only care is

Where to get stuff enough now to project on.

This town will not half serve me.

FACE

No, sir? Buy

The covering off o’churches.

MAMMON

That’s true.

FACE

Yes,

Let ’em stand bare, as do their auditory. 15

Or cap ’em new with shingles.

MAMMON

No, good thatch;

Thatch will lie light upo’ the rafters, Lungs.

Lungs, I will manumit thee from the furnace.

I will restore thee thy complexion, Puff,

Lost in the embers, and repair this brain 20

Hurt wi’the fume o’the metals.

FACE

I have blown, sir,

Hard for Your Worship, thrown by many a coal

When ’twas not beech, weighed those I put in, just,

To keep your heat still even. These bleared eyes

Have waked to read your several colours, sir, 25

Of the pale citron, the green lion, the crow,

The peacock’s tail, the plumèd swan.

MAMMON

And lastly

Thou hast descried the flower, the sanguis agni?

FACE

Yes, sir.

MAMMON

Where’s master?

FACE

At’s prayers, sir; he,

Good man, he’s doing his devotions 30

For the success.

MAMMON

Lungs, I will set a period

To all thy labours. Thou shalt be the master

Of my seraglio.

FACE

Good, sir.

MAMMON

But do you hear?

I’ll geld you, Lungs.

FACE

Yes, sir.

MAMMON

For I do mean

To have a list of wives and concubines 35

Equal with Solomon, who had the stone

Alike with me. And I will make me a back

With the elixir that shall be as tough

As Hercules’, to encounter fifty a night.

Thou’rt sure thou saw’st it blood?

FACE

Both blood and spirit, sir. 40

MAMMON

I will have all my beds blown up, not stuffed;

Down is too hard. And then mine oval room

Filled with such pictures as Tiberius took

From Elephantis, and dull Aretine

But coldly imitated. Then, my glasses 45

Cut in more subtle angles to disperse

And multiply the figures as I walk

Naked between my succubae. My mists

I’ll have of perfume, vapoured ’bout the room

To lose ourselves in, and my baths like pits 50

To fall into, from whence we will come forth

And roll us dry in gossamer and roses. —

Is it arrived at ruby? — Where I spy

A wealthy citizen or rich lawyer

Have a sublimed pure wife, unto that fellow 55

I’ll send a thousand pound to be my cuckold.

FACE

And I shall carry it?

MAMMON

No. I’ll ha’ no bawds

But fathers and mothers. They will do it best,

Best of all others. And my flatterers

Shall be the pure and gravest of divines 60

That I can get for money; my mere fools,

Eloquent burgesses; and then my poets

The same that writ so subtly of the fart,

Whom I will entertain still for that subject.

The few that would give out themselves to be 65

Court- and town- stallions, and eachwhere belie

Ladies who are known most innocent, for them,

Those will I beg to make me eunuchs of;

And they shall fan me with ten ostrich tails

Apiece, made in a plume to gather wind. 70

We will be brave, Puff, now we ha’ the med’cine.

My meat shall all come in in Indian shells,

Dishes of agate, set in gold and studded

With emeralds, sapphires, hyacinths, and rubies.

The tongues of carps, dormice, and camels’ heels 75

Boiled i’ the spirit of Sol and dissolved pearl

(Apicius’ diet ’gainst the epilepsy),

And I will eat these broths with spoons of amber,

Headed with diamond and carbuncle.

My foot-boy shall eat pheasants, calvered salmons, 80

Knots, godwits, lampreys. I myself will have

The beards of barbels served instead of salads,

Oiled mushrooms, and the swelling unctuous paps

Of a fat pregnant sow, newly cut off,

Dressed with an exquisite and poignant sauce, 85

For which I’ll say unto my cook, ‘There’s gold,

Go forth and be a knight.’

FACE

Sir, I’ll go look

A little, how it heightens.

MAMMON

Do. [Exit Face. ]

My shirts

I’ll have of taffeta-sarsenet, soft and light

As cobwebs, and for all my other raiment 90

It shall be such as might provoke the Persian,

Were he to teach the world riot anew.

My gloves of fishes’ and birds’ skins, perfumed

With gums of paradise and eastern air —

SURLY

And d’you think to have the stone with this? 95

MAMMON

No, I do think t’have all this with the stone.

SURLY

Why, I have heard he must be homo frugi,

A pious, holy, and religious man,

One free from mortal sin, a very virgin.

MAMMON

That makes it, sir, he is so. But I buy it. 100

My venture brings it me. He, honest wretch,

A notable, superstitious, good soul,

Has worn his knees bare and his slippers bald

With prayer and fasting for it. And, sir, let him

Do’t alone, for me, still. Here he comes. 105

Not a profane word afore him. ’Tis poison.

2.3 [Enter] SUBTLE.

MAMMON

Good morrow, father.

SUBTLE

Gentle son, good morrow,

And to your friend there. What is he is with you?

MAMMON

An heretic that I did bring along

In hope, sir, to convert him.

SUBTLE

Son, I doubt

You’re covetous, that thus you meet your time 5

I’the just point, prevent your day at morning.

This argues something worthy of a fear

Of importune and carnal appetite.

Take heed you do not cause the blessing leave you

With your ungoverned haste. I should be sorry 10

To see my labours now, e’en at perfection,

Got by long watching and large patience,

Not prosper where my love and zeal hath placed ’em —

Which (heaven I call to witness, with yourself,

To whom I have poured my thoughts) in all my ends 15

Have looked no way but unto public good,

To pious uses and dear charity,

Now grown a prodigy with men. Wherein

If you, my son, should now prevaricate

And to your own particular lusts employ 20

So great and catholic a bliss, be sure

A curse will follow, yea, and overtake

Your subtle and most secret ways.

MAMMON

I know, sir,

You shall not need to fear me. I but come

To ha’ you confute this gentleman.

SURLY

Who is, 25

Indeed, sir, somewhat costive of belief

Toward your stone; would not be gulled.

SUBTLE

[To Mammon] Well, son,

All that I can convince him in is this:

The work is done. Bright Sol is in his robe.

We have a med’cine of the triple soul, 30

The glorified spirit. Thanks be to heaven,

And make us worthy of it. [Calling out] Ulen Spiegel!

FACE

[Within] Anon, sir!

SUBTLE

Look well to the register,

And let your heat still lessen by degrees

To the aludels.

FACE

[Within] Yes, sir.

SUBTLE

Did you look 35

O’the bolt’s-head yet?

FACE

[Within] Which? On D, sir?

SUBTLE

Ay.

What’s the complexion?

FACE

[Within] Whitish.

SUBTLE

Infuse vinegar

To draw his volatile substance and his tincture,

And let the water in glass E be filtered

And put into the gripe’s egg. Lute him well 40

And leave him closed in balneo.

FACE

[Within] I will, sir.

SURLY

What a brave language here is! Next to canting!

SUBTLE

I’ve another work you never saw, son,

That three days since passed the philosopher’s wheel,

In the lent heat of athanor, and’s become 45

Sulphur o’nature.

MAMMON

But ’tis for me?

SUBTLE

What need you?

You have enough in that is perfect.

MAMMON

Oh, but —

SUBTLE

Why, this is covetise!

MAMMON

No, I assure you,

I shall employ it all in pious uses:

Founding of colleges and grammar schools, 50

Marrying young virgins, building hospitals,

And now and then a church.

[Enter] FACE.

SUBTLE

How now?

FACE

Sir, please you,

Shall I not change the filter?

SUBTLE

Marry, yes.

And bring me the complexion of glass B. [Exit Face.]

MAMMON

Ha’ you another?

SUBTLE

Yes, son. Were I assured 55

Your piety were firm, we would not want

The means to glorify it. But I hope the best.

I mean to tinct C in sand-heat tomorrow,

And give him imbibition.

MAMMON

Of white oil?

SUBTLE

No, sir, of red. F is come over the helm too, 60

I thank my maker, in Saint Mary’s bath,

And shows lac virginis. Blessed be heaven!

I sent you of his faeces there, calcined.

Out of that calx I ha’ won the salt of mercury.

MAMMON

By pouring on your rectified water? 65

SUBTLE

Yes, and reverberating in athanor.

[Enter FACE.]

How now? What colour says it?

FACE

The ground black, sir.

MAMMON

That’s your crow’s head?

SURLY

Your coxcomb’s, is’t not?

SUBTLE

No, ’tis not perfect. Would it were the crow!

That work wants something.

SURLY

[Aside] Oh, I looked for this. 70

The hay is a-pitching.

SUBTLE

Are you sure you loosed ’em

I’their own menstrue?

FACE

Yes, sir, and then married ’em,

And put’em in a bolt’s head, nipped to digestion,

According as you bade me, when I set

The liquor of Mars to circulation 75

In the same heat.

SUBTLE

The process, then, was right.

FACE

Yes, by the token, sir, the retort brake,

And what was saved was put into the pelican

And signed with Hermes’ seal.

SUBTLE

I think ’twas so.

We should have a new amalgama.

SURLY

[Aside] Oh, this ferret 80

Is rank as any polecat.

SUBTLE

But I care not.

Let him e’en die. We have enough beside,

In embrion. H has his white shirt on?

FACE

Yes, sir,

He’s ripe for inceration. He stands warm

In his ash-fire. I would not you should let 85

Any die now, if I might counsel, sir,

For luck’s sake to the rest. It is not good.

MAMMON

He says right.

SURLY

[Aside] Ay, are you bolted?

FACE

Nay, I know’t, sir,

I have seen th’ill fortune. What is some three ounces

Of fresh materials?

MAMMON

Is’t no more?

FACE

No more, sir, 90

Of gold, t’amalgam with some six of mercury.

MAMMON

Away! Here’s money. What will serve?

FACE

[Indicating Subtle] Ask him, sir.

MAMMON

How much?

SUBTLE

Give him nine pound. You may gi’ him ten.

SURLY

Yes, twenty, and be cozened, do.

MAMMON

[Giving Face the money] There ’tis.

SUBTLE

This needs not, but that you will have it, so, 95

To see conclusions of all. For two

Of our inferior works are at fixation.

A third is in ascension. Go your ways.

Ha’ you set the oil of Luna in kemia?

FACE

Yes, sir.

SUBTLE

And the philosopher’s vinegar?

FACE

Ay. 100 [Exit.]

SURLY

We shall have a salad.

MAMMON

When do you make projection?

SUBTLE

Son, be not hasty. I exalt our med’cine

By hanging him in balneo vaporoso

And giving him solution, then congeal him,

And then dissolve him, then again congeal him. 105

For look how oft I iterate the work,

So many times I add unto his virtue.

As, if at first one ounce convert a hundred,

After his second loose he’ll turn a thousand;

His third solution, ten; his fourth, a hundred; 110

After his fifth, a thousand thousand ounces

Of any imperfect metal into pure

Silver or gold, in all examinations

As good as any of the natural mine.

Get you your stuff here against afternoon, 115

Your brass, your pewter, and your andirons.

MAMMON

Not those of iron?

SUBTLE

Yes. You may bring them too.

We’ll change all metals.

SURLY

[Aside] I believe you in that.

MAMMON

Then I may send my spits?

SUBTLE

Yes, and your racks.

SURLY

And dripping-pans and pot-hangers and hooks? 120

Shall he not?

SUBTLE

If he please.

SURLY

To be an ass.

SUBTLE

How, sir!

MAMMON

This gent’man you must bear withal.

I told you he had no faith.

SURLY

And little hope, sir,

But much less charity, should I gull myself.

SUBTLE

Why, what have you observed, sir, in our art 125

Seems so impossible?

SURLY

But your whole work, no more.

That you should hatch gold in a furnace, sir,

As they do eggs in Egypt!

SUBTLE

Sir, do you

Believe that eggs are hatched so?

SURLY

If I should?

SUBTLE

Why, I think that the greater miracle. 130

No egg but differs from a chicken more

Than metals in themselves.

SURLY

That cannot be.

The egg’s ordained by nature to that end

And is a chicken in potentia.

SUBTLE

The same we say of lead and other metals, 135

Which would be gold if they had time.

MAMMON

And that

Our art doth further.

SUBTLE

Ay, for ’twere absurd

To think that nature in the earth bred gold

Perfect, i’the instant. Something went before.

There must be remote matter.

SURLY

Ay? What is that? 140

SUBTLE

Marry, we say —

MAMMON

Ay, now it heats. Stand, father.

Pound him to dust —

SUBTLE

It is, of the one part,

A humid exhalation which we call

Materia liquida, or the unctuous water;

On th’other part, a certain crass and viscous 145

Portion of earth; both which, concorporate,

Do make the elementary matter of gold,

Which is not yet propria materia,

But common to all metals and all stones.

For where it is forsaken of that moisture 150

And hath more dryness, it becomes a stone;

Where it retains more of the humid fatness,

It turns to sulphur or to quicksilver,

Who are the parents of all other metals.

Nor can this remote matter suddenly 155

Progress so from extreme unto extreme

As to grow gold and leap o’er all the means.

Nature doth first beget th’imperfect, then

Proceeds she to the perfect. Of that airy

And oily water, mercury is engendered, 160

Sulphur o’the fat and earthy part; the one

Which is the last supplying the place of male,

The other of the female, in all metals.

Some do believe hermaphrodeity,

That both do act and suffer. But these two 165

Make the rest ductile, malleable, extensive.

And even in gold they are, for we do find

Seeds of them by our fire, and gold in them,

And can produce the species of each metal

More perfect thence than nature doth in earth. 170

Beside, who doth not see in daily practice

Art can beget bees, hornets, beetles, wasps

Out of the carcasses and dung of creatures,

Yea, scorpions of an herb, being rightly placed?

And these are living creatures, far more perfect 175

And excellent than metals.

MAMMON

Well said, father!

Nay, if he take you in hand, sir, with an argument,

He’ll bray you in a mortar.

SURLY

Pray you, sir, stay.

Rather than I’ll be brayed, sir, I’ll believe

That alchemy is a pretty kind of game, 180

Somewhat like tricks o’the cards, to cheat a man

With charming.

SUBTLE

Sir?

SURLY

What else are all your terms,

Whereon no one o’your writers ’grees with other?

Of your elixir, your lac virginis,

Your stone, your med’cine, and your chrysosperm, 185

Your sal, your sulphur, and your mercury,

Your oil of height, your tree of life, your blood,

Your marcasite, your tutty, your magnesia,

Your toad, your crow, your dragon, and your panther,

Your sun, your moon, your firmament, your adrop, 190

Your lato, azoch, zarnich, chibrit, heautarit,

And then your red man and your white woman,

With all your broths, your menstrues, and materials,

Of piss and egg-shells, women’s terms, man’s blood,

Hair o’the head, burnt clouts, chalk, merds, and clay, 195

Powder of bones, scalings of iron, glass,

And worlds of other strange ingredients

Would burst a man to name?

SUBTLE

And all these named

Intending but one thing, which art our writers

Used to obscure their art. 200

MAMMON

Sir, so I told him:

Because the simple idiot should not learn it

And make it vulgar.

SUBTLE

Was not all the knowledge

Of the Egyptians writ in mystic symbols?

Speak not the Scriptures oft in parables?

Are not the choicest fables of the poets, 205

That were the fountains and first springs of wisdom,

Wrapped in perplexèd allegories?

MAMMON

I urged that,

And cleared to him that Sisyphus was damned

To roll the ceaseless stone only because

He would have made ours common.

DOLL is seen.

Who is this? 210

SUBTLE

God’s precious! — What do you mean? — Go in, good lady,

Let me entreat you. [Exit Doll.]

[Calling] Where’s this varlet?

[Enter FACE. ]

FACE

Sir?

SUBTLE

You very knave! Do you use me thus?

FACE

Wherein, sir?

SUBTLE

Go in and see, you traitor. Go! [Exit Face.]

MAMMON

Who is it, sir?

SUBTLE

Nothing, sir. Nothing.

MAMMON

What’s the matter? Good sir! 215

I have not seen you thus distempered. Who is’t?

SUBTLE

All arts have still had, sir, their adversaries,

But ours the most ignorant.

FACE returns.

What now?

FACE

’Twas not my fault, sir. She would speak with you.

SUBTLE

Would she, sir? Follow me. [Exit.]

[Face starts to follow.]

MAMMON

Stay, Lungs.

FACE

I dare not, sir. 220

MAMMON

Stay, man; what is she?

FACE

A lord’s sister, sir. —

MAMMON

How! Pray thee, stay.

FACE

She’s mad, sir, and sent hither —

He’ll be mad too.

MAMMON

I warrant thee. — Why sent hither?

FACE

Sir, to be cured.

SUBTLE

[Within] Why, rascal!

FACE

Lo you. [Calling] Here, sir! He goes out.

MAMMON

’Fore God, a Bradamante, a brave piece. 225

SURLY

Heart, this is a bawdy-house! I’ll be burnt else.

MAMMON

Oh, by this light, no. Do not wrong him. He’s

Too scrupulous that way. It is his vice.

No, he’s a rare physician, do him right.

An excellent Paracelsian! And has done 230

Strange cures with mineral physic. He deals all

With spirits, he. He will not hear a word

Of Galen or his tedious recipes.

[Enter] FACE again.

How now, Lungs!

FACE

Softly, sir, speak softly. I meant

To ha’ told Your Worship all. This must not hear. 235

MAMMON

No, he will not be gulled. Let him alone.

FACE

You’re very right, sir. She is a most rare scholar,

And is gone mad with studying Broughton’s works.

If you but name a word touching the Hebrew,

She falls into her fit and will discourse 240

So learnedly of genealogies

As you would run mad too to hear her, sir.

MAMMON

How might one do t’have conference with her, Lungs?

FACE

Oh, divers have run mad upon the conference.

I do not know, sir. I am sent in haste 245

To fetch a vial.

SURLY

Be not gulled, Sir Mammon.

MAMMON

Wherein? Pray ye, be patient.

SURLY

Yes, as you are.

And trust confederate knaves and bawds and whores.

MAMMON

You are too foul, believe it. — Come here, Ulen.

One word.

FACE

I dare not, in good faith.

MAMMON

Stay, knave. 250

FACE

He’s extreme angry that you saw her, sir.

MAMMON

[Giving him money] Drink that. What is she when she’s out of her fit?

FACE

Oh, the most affablest creature, sir! So merry!

So pleasant! She’ll mount you up like quicksilver

Over the helm, and circulate like oil, 255

A very vegetal; discourse of state,

Of mathematics, bawdry, anything —

MAMMON

Is she no way accessible? No means,

No trick, to give a man a taste of her — wit —

Or so? — Ulen.

FACE

I’ll come to you again, sir. 260 [Exit.]

MAMMON

Surly, I did not think one o’your breeding

Would traduce personages of worth.

SURLY

Sir Epicure,

Your friend to use, yet still loath to be gulled.

I do not like your philosophical bawds.

Their stone is lechery enough to pay for 265

Without this bait.

MAMMON

Heart, you abuse yourself.

I know the lady and her friends and means,

The original of this disaster. Her brother

Has told me all.

SURLY

And yet you ne’er saw her

Till now?

MAMMON

Oh, yes, but I forgot. I have (believe it) 270

One o’the treacherous’st memories, I do think,

Of all mankind.

SURLY

What call you her brother?

MAMMON

My lord —

He wi’ not have his name known, now I think on’t.

SURLY

A very treacherous memory!

MAMMON

O’my faith —

SURLY

Tut, if you ha’it not about you, pass it 275

Till we meet next.

MAMMON

Nay, by this hand, ’tis true.

He’s one I honour, and my noble friend,

And I respect his house.

SURLY

Heart! Can it be

That a grave sir, a rich, that has no need,

A wise sir, too, at other times, should thus 280

With his own oaths and arguments make hard means

To gull himself? An this be your elixir,

Your lapis mineralis, and your lunary,

Give me your honest trick yet at primero

Or gleek. And take your lutum sapientis, 285

Your menstruum simplex; I’ll have gold before you,

And with less danger of the quicksilver

Or the hot sulphur.

[Enter FACE as Lungs.]

FACE

(To Surly) Here’s one from Captain Face, sir,

Desires you meet him i’the Temple Church

Some half hour hence, and upon earnest business. 290

He whispers Mammon.

Sir, if you please to quit us now, and come

Again within two hours, you shall have

My master busy examining o’the works,

And I will steal you in unto the party,

That you may see her converse. [To Surly] Sir, shall I say 295

You’ll meet the Captain’s Worship?

SURLY

Sir, I will.

[Aside] But by attorney, and to a second purpose.

Now I am sure it is a bawdy-house.

I’ll swear it, were the marshal here to thank me.

The naming this commander doth confirm it. 300

Don Face! Why, he’s the most authentic dealer

I’these commodities! The superintendent

To all the quainter traffickers in town.

He is their visitor and does appoint

Who lies with whom, and at what hour, what price, 305

Which gown, and in what smock, what fall, what tire.

Him will I prove, by a third person, to find

The subtleties of this dark labyrinth.

Which, if I do discover, dear Sir Mammon,

You’ll give your poor friend leave, though no philosopher, 310

To laugh. For you that are, ’tis thought, shall weep.

FACE

Sir, he does pray you’ll not forget.

SURLY

I will not, sir. —

Sir Epicure, I shall leave you. [Exit.]

MAMMON

I follow you straight.

FACE

But do so, good sir, to avoid suspicion.

This gent’man has a parlous head.

MAMMON

But wilt thou, Ulen, 315

Be constant to thy promise?

FACE

As my life, sir.

MAMMON

And wilt thou insinuate what I am? And praise me?

And say I am a noble fellow?

FACE

Oh, what else, sir?

And that you’ll make her royal with the stone,

An empress, and yourself King of Bantam. 320

MAMMON

Wilt thou do this?

FACE

Will I, sir?

MAMMON

Lungs, my Lungs!

I love thee.

FACE

Send your stuff, sir, that my master

May busy himself about projection.

MAMMON

Th’hast witched me, rogue. [He gives him money.] Take, go.

FACE

Your jack and all, sir.

MAMMON

Thou art a villain — I will send my jack, 325

And the weights too. Slave, I could bite thine ear.

Away! Thou dost not care for me.

FACE

Not I, sir?

MAMMON

Come, I was born to make thee, my good weasel,

Set thee on a bench, and ha’ thee twirl a chain

With the best lord’s vermin of ’em all.

FACE

Away, sir. 330

MAMMON

A count, nay a count palatine —

FACE

Good sir, go.

MAMMON

– Shall not advance thee, better. No, nor faster. [Exit Mammon.]

2.4 [Enter] SUBTLE [and] DOLL.

SUBTLE

Has he bit? Has he bit?

FACE

And swallowed too, my Subtle.

I ha’ giv’n him line and now he plays, i’faith.

SUBTLE

And shall we twitch him?

FACE

Thorough both the gills.

A wench is a rare bait, with which a man

No sooner’s taken but he straight firks mad. 5

SUBTLE

Doll, my Lord What’s-um’s sister, you must now

Bear yourself statelich.

DOLL

Oh, let me alone.

I’ll not forget my race, I warrant you.

I’ll keep my distance, laugh, and talk aloud,

Have all the tricks of a proud, scurvy lady, 10

And be as rude as her woman.

FACE

Well said, sanguine.

SUBTLE

But will he send his andirons?

FACE

His jack, too,

And ’s iron shoeing-horn. I ha’ spoke to him. Well,

I must not lose my wary gamester, yonder.

SUBTLE

Oh, Monsieur Caution, that will not be gulled? 15

FACE

Ay, if I can strike a fine hook into him now!

The Temple Church, there I have cast mine angle.

Well, pray for me. I’ll about it.

One knocks.

SUBTLE

What, more gudgeons!

Doll, scout, scout.

[Doll goes to look.]

Stay, Face, you must go to the door.

Pray God it may be my Anabaptist. Who is’t, Doll? 20

DOLL

I know him not. He looks like a gold-end man.

SUBTLE

Gods so, ’tis he! He said he would send — what call you him? —

The sanctified elder that should deal

For Mammon’s jack and andirons! Let him in.

Stay, help me off first with my gown. Away, 25

Madam, to your withdrawing chamber. [Exit Doll. ]

Now,

In a new tune, new gesture, but old language.

This fellow is sent from one negotiates with me

About the stone too, for the holy brethren

Of Amsterdam, the exiled Saints, that hope 30

To raise their discipline by it. I must use him

In some strange fashion now to make him admire me.

2.5 [Enter] ANANIAS.

SUBTLE

Where is my drudge?

FACE

Sir.

SUBTLE

Take away the recipient,

And rectify your menstrue from the phlegma.

Then pour it o’the Sol in the cucurbit,

And let ’em macerate together.

FACE

Yes, sir.

And save the ground?

SUBTLE

No. Terra damnata 5

Must not have entrance in the work. [To Ananias] Who are you?

ANANIAS

A faithful brother, if it please you.

SUBTLE

What’s that?

A Lullianist? A Ripley? Filius artis?

Can you sublime and dulcify? Calcine?

Know you the sapor pontic? Sapor styptic? 10

Or what is homogene or heterogene?

ANANIAS

I understand no heathen language, truly.

SUBTLE

Heathen, you Knipperdoling! Is ars sacra,

Or chrysopoeia, or spagyrica,

Or the pamphysic or panarchic knowledge 15

A heathen language?

ANANIAS

Heathen Greek, I take it.

SUBTLE

How? Heathen Greek?

ANANIAS

All’s heathen but the Hebrew.

SUBTLE

[To Face] Sirrah, my varlet, stand you forth and speak to him

Like a philosopher. Answer i’ the language.

Name the vexations and the martyrizations 20

Of metals in the work.

FACE

Sir, putrefaction,

Solution, ablution, sublimation,

Cohobation, calcination, ceration, and Fixation.

SUBTLE

[To Ananias] This is heathen Greek to you now? —

And when comes vivication?

FACE

After mortification. 25

SUBTLE

What’s cohobation?

FACE

’Tis the pouring on

Your aqua regis, and then drawing him off

To the trine circle of the seven spheres.

SUBTLE

What’s the proper passion of metals?

FACE

Malleation.

SUBTLE

What’s your ultimum supplicium auri?

FACE

Antimonium. 30

SUBTLE

[To Ananias] This’s heathen Greek to you? — And what’s your mercury?

FACE

A very fugitive. He will be gone, sir.

SUBTLE

How know you him?

FACE

By his viscosity,

His oleosity, and his suscitability.

SUBTLE

How do you sublime him?

FACE

With the calce of egg-shells, 35

White marble, talc.

SUBTLE

Your magisterium, now?

What’s that?

FACE

Shifting, sir, your elements,

Dry into cold, cold into moist, moist in-

To hot, hot into dry.

SUBTLE

[To Ananias] This’s heathen Greek to you still? —

Your lapis philosophicus?

FACE

’Tis a stone and not 40

A stone; a spirit, a soul, and a body,

Which, if you do dissolve, it is dissolved.

If you coagulate, it is coagulated.

If you make it to fly, it flieth.

SUBTLE

Enough. [Exit Face. ]

This’s heathen Greek to you? What are you, sir? 45

ANANIAS

Please you, a servant of the exiled brethren,

That deal with widows’ and with orphans’ goods,

And make a just account unto the Saints.

A deacon.

SUBTLE

Oh, you are sent from Master Wholesome,

Your teacher?

ANANIAS

From Tribulation Wholesome, 50

Our very zealous pastor.

SUBTLE

Good. I have

Some orphans’ goods to come here.

ANANIAS

Of what kind, sir?

SUBTLE

Pewter and brass, andirons, and kitchenware,

Metals that we must use our med’cine on,

Wherein the brethren may have a penn’orth, 55

For ready money.

ANANIAS

Were the orphans’ parents

Sincere professors?

SUBTLE

Why do you ask?

ANANIAS

Because

We then are to deal justly, and give (in truth)

Their utmost value.

SUBTLE

’Slid, you’d cozen else,

And if their parents were not of the faithful? 60

I will not trust you, now I think on’t,

Till I ha’ talked with your pastor. Ha’ you brought money

To buy more coals?

ANANIAS

No, surely.

SUBTLE

No? How so?

ANANIAS

The brethren bid me say unto you, sir,

Surely they will not venture any more 65

Till they may see projection.

SUBTLE

How!

ANANIAS

You’ve had,

For the instruments, as bricks and loam and glasses,

Already thirty pound; and for materials,

They say, some ninety more. And they have heard, since,

That one at Heidelberg made it of an egg 70

And a small paper of pin-dust.

SUBTLE

What’s your name?

ANANIAS

My name is Ananias.

SUBTLE

Out, the varlet

That cozened the Apostles! Hence, away!

Flee, mischief! Had your holy consistory

No name to send me of another sound 75

Than wicked Ananias? Send your elders

Hither, to make atonement for you, quickly,

And gi’ me satisfaction, or out goes

The fire, and down th’alembics and the furnace,

Piger Henricus or what not. Thou wretch, 80

Both sericon and bufo shall be lost,

Tell ’em. All hope of rooting out the bishops

Or th’antichristian hierarchy shall perish

If they stay threescore minutes. The aqueity,

Terreity, and sulphureity 85

Shall run together again, and all be annulled,

Thou wicked Ananias. [Exit Ananias.]

This will fetch ’em

And make ’em haste towards their gulling more.

A man must deal like a rough nurse, and fright

Those that are froward to an appetite. 90

2.6 [Enter] FACE [and] DRUGGER.

FACE

[To Drugger] He’s busy with his spirits, but we’ll upon him.

SUBTLE

How now! What mates, what Bayards ha’ we here?

FACE

[To Drugger] I told you he would be furious. — Sir, here’s Nab,

Has brought you another piece of gold to look on.

[Aside to Drugger] We must appease him. Give it me. — And prays you 5

You would devise — [To Drugger] What is it, Nab?

DRUGGER

A sign, sir.

FACE

Ay, a good lucky one, a thriving sign, Doctor.

SUBTLE

I was devising now.

FACE

[Aside to Subtle] ’Slight, do not say so.

He will repent he ga’ you any more. —

What say you to his constellation, Doctor? 10

The Balance?

SUBTLE

No, that way is stale and common.

A townsman, born in Taurus, gives the Bull

Or the bull’s head; in Aries, the Ram.

A poor device. No, I will have his name

Formed in some mystic character, whose radii, 15

Striking the senses of the passers-by,

Shall, by a virtual influence, breed affections

That may result upon the party owns it.

As thus —

FACE

Nab!

SUBTLE

He first shall have a bell, that’s ‘A-bel’.

And by it standing one whose name is Dee, 20

In a rug gown; there’s ‘D’ and ‘rug’, that’s ‘Drug’.

And right anenst him a dog snarling ‘Er’;

There’s ‘Drugger’, ‘Abel Drugger’. That’s his sign.

And here’s now mystery and hieroglyphic!

FACE

Abel, thou art made.

DRUGGER

[Bowing] Sir, I do thank His Worship. 25

FACE

Six o’thy legs more will not do it, Nab.

He has brought you a pipe of tobacco, Doctor.

DRUGGER

Yes, sir.

I have another thing, I would impart —

FACE

Out with it, Nab.

DRUGGER

Sir, there is lodged, hard by me,

A rich young widow —

FACE

Good! A bona roba? 30

DRUGGER

But nineteen at the most.

FACE

Very good, Abel.

DRUGGER

Marry, she’s not in fashion yet. She wears

A hood, but ’t stands acop.

FACE

No matter, Abel.

DRUGGER

And I do now and then give her a fucus —

FACE

What! Dost thou deal, Nab?

SUBTLE

I did tell you, Captain. 35

DRUGGER

— And physic too sometime, sir, for which she trusts me

With all her mind. She’s come up here of purpose

To learn the fashion.

FACE

Good — [Aside] His match too! — On, Nab.

DRUGGER

And she does strangely long to know her fortune.

FACE

God’s lid, Nab, send her to the Doctor hither. 40

DRUGGER

Yes, I have spoke to her of His Worship already.

But she’s afraid it will be blown abroad

And hurt her marriage.

FACE

Hurt it? ’Tis the way

To heal it, if ’twere hurt, to make it more

Followed and sought. Nab, thou shalt tell her this. 45

She’ll be more known, more talked of, and your widows

Are ne’er of any price till they be famous.

Their honour is their multitude of suitors.

Send her. It may be thy good fortune. What?

Thou dost not know?

DRUGGER

No, sir, she’ll never marry 50

Under a knight. Her brother has made a vow.

FACE

What, and dost thou despair, my little Nab,

Knowing what the Doctor has set down for thee,

And seeing so many o’the city dubbed?

One glass o’thy water with a madam I know 55

Will have it done, Nab. What’s her brother? A knight?

DRUGGER

No, sir, a gentleman, newly warm in’s land, sir,

Scarce cold in his one-and-twenty, that does govern

His sister here, and is a man himself

Of some three thousand a year, and is come up 60

To learn to quarrel and to live by his wits,

And will go down again and die i’the country.

FACE

How! To quarrel?

DRUGGER

Yes, sir, to carry quarrels

As gallants do, and manage ’em by line.

FACE

’Slid, Nab! The Doctor is the only man 65

In Christendom for him. He has made a table

With mathematical demonstrations

Touching the art of quarrels. He will give him

An instrument to quarrel by. Go, bring ’em both,

Him and his sister. And, for thee, with her 70

The Doctor happ’ly may persuade. Go to.

’Shalt give His Worship a new damask suit

Upon the premises.

SUBTLE

Oh, good Captain!

FACE

He shall;

He is the honestest fellow, Doctor. Stay not;

No offers; bring the damask and the parties. 75

DRUGGER

I’ll try my power, sir.

FACE

And thy will too, Nab.

SUBTLE

’Tis good tobacco, this! What is’t an ounce?

FACE

He’ll send you a pound, Doctor.

SUBTLE

Oh, no.

FACE

He will do’t.

It is the goodest soul. Abel, about it.

[Aside to him] Thou shalt know more anon. Away, be gone! 80

[Exit Drugger.]

A miserable rogue, and lives with cheese,

And has the worms. That was the cause indeed

Why he came now. He dealt with me in private

To get a med’cine for ’em.

SUBTLE

And shall, sir. This works.

FACE

A wife, a wife for one on’s, my dear Subtle. 85

We’ll e’en draw lots, and he that fails shall have

The more in goods the other has in tail.

SUBTLE

Rather the less. For she may be so light

She may want grains.

FACE

Ay, or be such a burden

A man would scarce endure her for the whole. 90

SUBTLE

Faith, best let’s see her first and then determine.

FACE

Content. But Doll must ha’ no breath on’t.

SUBTLE

Mum.

Away! You to your Surly yonder. Catch him.

FACE

Pray God I ha’ not stayed too long.

SUBTLE

I fear it. [Exeunt.]

3.1 [Enter] TRIBULATION [and] ANANIAS.

TRIBULATION

These chastisements are common to the Saints,

And such rebukes we of the separation

Must bear with willing shoulders as the trials

Sent forth to tempt our frailties.

ANANIAS

In pure zeal,

I do not like the man: he is a heathen, 5

And speaks the language of Canaan, truly.

TRIBULATION

I think him a profane person, indeed.

ANANIAS

He bears

The visible mark of the beast in his forehead.

And for his stone it is a work of darkness,

And with philosophy blinds the eyes of man. 10

TRIBULATION

Good brother, we must bend unto all means

That may give furtherance to the holy cause.

ANANIAS

Which his cannot. The sanctified cause

Should have a sanctified course.

TRIBULATION

Not always necessary.

The children of perdition are ofttimes 15

Made instruments even of the greatest works.

Beside, we should give somewhat to man’s nature,

The place he lives in, still about the fire

And fume of metals that intoxicate

The brain of man and make him prone to passion. 20

Where have you greater atheists than your cooks?

Or more profane or choleric than your glass-men?

More antichristian than your bell-founders?

What makes the devil so devilish, I would ask you,

Satan, our common enemy, but his being 25

Perpetually about the fire and boiling

Brimstone and ars’nic? We must give, I say,

Unto the motives and the stirrers-up

Of humours in the blood. It may be so.

Whenas the work is done, the stone is made, 30

This heat of his may turn into a zeal

And stand up for the beauteous discipline

Against the menstruous cloth and rag of Rome.

We must await his calling and the coming

Of the good spirit. You did fault t’upbraid him 35

With the brethren’s blessing of Heidelberg, weighing

What need we have to hasten on the work

For the restoring of the silenced saints,

Which ne’er will be but by the philosopher’s stone.

And so a learnèd elder, one of Scotland, 40

Assured me, aurum potabile being

The only med’cine for the civil magistrate,

T’incline him to a feeling of the cause,

And must be daily used in the disease.

ANANIAS

I have not edified more, truly, by man, 45

Not since the beautiful light first shone on me,

And I am sad my zeal hath so offended.

TRIBULATION

Let us call on him, then.

ANANIAS

The motion’s good,

And of the spirit. I will knock first. [He knocks.] Peace be within!

3.2 [Enter] SUBTLE .

SUBTLE

[Opening the door] Oh, are you come? ’Twas time. Your threescore

minutes

Were at the last thread, you see, and down had gone

Furnus accediae, turris circulatorius;

’Lembic, bolt’s head, retort, and pelican

Had all been cinders. Wicked Ananias! 5

Art thou returned? Nay then, it goes down yet.

TRIBULATION

Sir, be appeased. He is come to humble

Himself in spirit and to ask your patience,

If too much zeal hath carried him aside

From the due path.

SUBTLE

Why, this doth qualify! 10

TRIBULATION

The Brethren had no purpose, verily,

To give you the least grievance, but are ready

To lend their willing hands to any project

The spirit and you direct.

SUBTLE

This qualifies more!

TRIBULATION

And, for the orphans’ goods, let them be valued, 15

Or what is needful else to the holy work,

It shall be numbered. Here, by me, the saints

Throw down their purse before you.

SUBTLE

This qualifies most!

Why, thus it should be. Now you understand.

Have I discoursed so unto you of our stone? 20

And of the good that it shall bring your cause?

Showed you (beside the main of hiring forces

Abroad, drawing the Hollanders, your friends,

From th’Indies to serve you with all their fleet)

That even the med’cinal use shall make you a faction 25

And party in the realm? As, put the case

That some great man in state, he have the gout,

Why, you but send three drops of your elixir,

You help him straight. There you have made a friend.

Another has the palsy or the dropsy, 30

He takes of your incombustible stuff,

He’s young again. There you have made a friend.

A lady that is past the feat of body,

Though not of mind, and hath her face decayed

Beyond all cure of paintings, you restore 35

With the oil of talc. There you have made a friend,

And all her friends. A lord that is a leper,

A knight that has the bone-ache, or a squire

That hath both these, you make ’em smooth and sound

With a bare fricace of your med’cine. Still 40

You increase your friends.

TRIBULATION

Ay, ’tis very pregnant.

SUBTLE

And then the turning of this lawyer’s pewter

To plate at Christmas —

ANANIAS

‘Christ-tide’, I pray you.

SUBTLE

Yet, Ananias?

ANANIAS

I have done.

SUBTLE

Or changing

His parcel-gilt to massy gold. You cannot 45

But raise you friends. Withal, to be of power

To pay an army in the field, to buy

The King of France out of his realms or Spain

Out of his Indies: what can you not do

Against lords spiritual or temporal 50

That shall oppone you?

TRIBULATION

Verily, ’tis true.

We may be temporal lords ourselves, I take it.

SUBTLE

You may be anything, and leave off to make

Long-winded exercises, or suck up

Your ha and hum in a tune. I not deny 55

But such as are not gracèd in a state

May for their ends be adverse in religion,

And get a tune to call the flock together.

For, to say sooth, a tune does much with women

And other phlegmatic people: it is your bell. 60

ANANIAS

Bells are profane. A tune may be religious.

SUBTLE

No warning with you? Then farewell my patience.

’Slight, it shall down. I will not be thus tortured.

TRIBULATION

I pray you, sir.

SUBTLE

All shall perish. I have spoke it.

TRIBULATION

Let me find grace, sir, in your eyes. The man 65

He stands corrected; neither did his zeal,

But as yourself, allow a tune somewhere.

Which now being toward the stone, we shall not need.

SUBTLE

No, nor your holy vizard to win widows

To give you legacies, or make zealous wives 70

To rob their husbands for the common cause.

Nor take the start of bonds broke but one day

And say ‘They were forfeited by providence.’

Nor shall you need o’ernight to eat huge meals

To celebrate your next day’s fast the better, 75

The whilst the brethren and the sisters, humbled,

Abate the stiffness of the flesh; nor cast

Before your hungry hearers scrupulous bones,

As whether a Christian may hawk or hunt,

Or whether matrons of the holy assembly 80

May lay their hair out or wear doublets,

Or have that idol starch about their linen.

ANANIAS

It is indeed an idol.

TRIBULATION

[To Subtle] Mind him not, sir.

[To Ananias] I do command thee, spirit of zeal but trouble,

To peace within him. [To Subtle] Pray you, sir, go on. 85

SUBTLE

Nor shall you need to libel ’gainst the prelates

And shorten so your ears against the hearing

Of the next wire-drawn grace. Nor, of necessity,

Rail against plays to please the alderman

Whose daily custard you devour. Nor lie 90

With zealous rage, till you are hoarse. Not one

Of these so singular arts. Nor call yourselves

By names of Tribulation, Persecution,

Restraint, Long-Patience, and suchlike, affected

By the whole family or wood of you 95

Only for glory, and to catch the ear

Of the disciple.

TRIBULATION

Truly, sir, they are

Ways that the godly brethren have invented

For propagation of the glorious cause

As very notable means, and whereby also 100

Themselves grow soon and profitably famous.

SUBTLE

Oh, but the stone, all’s idle to’t! Nothing!

The art of angels, nature’s miracle,

The divine secret that doth fly in clouds

From east to west, and whose tradition 105

Is not from men but spirits.

ANANIAS

I hate traditions.

I do not trust them —

TRIBULATION

Peace.

ANANIAS

They are popish all.

I will not peace. I will not —

TRIBULATION

Ananias!

ANANIAS

Please the profane to grieve the godly, I may not.

SUBTLE

Well, Ananias, thou shalt overcome. 110

TRIBULATION

It is an ignorant zeal that haunts him, sir.

But truly, else, a very faithful brother,

A botcher, and a man, by revelation,

That hath a competent knowledge of the truth.

SUBTLE

Has he a competent sum there i’the bag 115

To buy the goods within? I am made guardian

And must, for charity and conscience’ sake,

Now see the most be made for my poor orphans,

Though I desire the brethren, too, good gainers.

There they are, within. When you have viewed and bought ’em, 120

And ta’en the inventory of what they are,

They are ready for projection. There’s no more

To do. Cast on the med’cine so much silver

As there is tin there, so much gold as brass,

I’ll gi’ it you in by weight.

TRIBULATION

But how long time, 125

Sir, must the saints expect yet?

SUBTLE

Let me see,

How’s the moon now? Eight, nine, ten days hence

He will be silver potate; then three days

Before he citronize; some fifteen days,

The magisterium will be perfected. 130

ANANIAS

About the second day of the third week

In the ninth month?

SUBTLE

Yes, my good Ananias.

TRIBULATION

What will the orphans’ goods arise to, think you?

SUBTLE

Some hundred marks, as much as filled three cars

Unladed now. You’ll make six millions of ’em. 135

But I must ha’ more coals laid in.

TRIBULATION

How?

SUBTLE

Another load,

And then we ha’ finished. We must now increase

Our fire to ignis ardens; we are past

Fimus equinus, balnei, cineris,

And all those lenter heats. If the holy purse 140

Should with this draught fall low, and that the saints

Do need a present sum, I have a trick

To melt the pewter you shall buy now, instantly,

And with a tincture make you as good Dutch dollars

As any are in Holland.

TRIBULATION

Can you so? 145

SUBTLE

Ay, and shall bide the third examination.

ANANIAS

It will be joyful tidings to the brethren.

SUBTLE

But you must carry it secret.

TRIBULATION

Ay, but stay,

This act of coining, is it lawful?

ANANIAS

Lawful?

We know no magistrate. Or, if we did, 150

This’s foreign coin.

SUBTLE

It is no coining, sir.

It is but casting.

TRIBULATION

Ha? You distinguish well.

Casting of money may be lawful.

ANANIAS

’Tis, sir.

TRIBULATION

Truly, I take it so. 155

SUBTLE

There is no scruple,

Sir, to be made of it. Believe Ananias:

This case of conscience he is studied in.

TRIBULATION

I’ll make a question of it to the brethren.

ANANIAS

The brethren shall approve it lawful, doubt not.

Where shall’t be done?

SUBTLE

For that we’ll talk anon.

Knock without.

There’s some to speak with me. Go in, I pray you, 160

And view the parcels. That’s the inventory.

I’ll come to you straight. [Exeunt Tribulation and Ananias.]

[Calling] Who is it? Face! Appear.

3.3 [Enter] FACE.

SUBTLE

How now? Good prize?

FACE

Good pox! Yon costive cheater

Never came on.

SUBTLE

How then?

FACE

I ha’ walked the round

Till now, and no such thing.

SUBTLE

And ha’ you quit him?

FACE

Quit him? An hell would quit him too, he were happy.

’Slight, would you have me stalk like a mill-jade 5

All day for one that will not yield us grains?

I know him of old.

SUBTLE

Oh, but to ha’ gulled him

Had been a maistry.

FACE

Let him go, black boy,

And turn thee, that some fresh news may possess thee.

A noble count, a don of Spain (my dear 10

Delicious compeer and my party-bawd),

Who is come hither private for his conscience

And brought munition with him, six great slops

Bigger than three Dutch hoys, beside round trunks

Furnished with pistolets and pieces of eight, 15

Will straight be here, my rogue, to have thy bath

(That is the colour), and to make his battery

Upon our Doll, our castle, our Cinque Port,

Our Dover pier, our what thou wilt. Where is she?

She must prepare perfumes, delicate linen, 20

The bath in chief, a banquet, and her wit,

For she must milk his epididymis.

Where is the doxy?

SUBTLE

I’ll send her to thee,

And but dispatch my brace of little John Leydens

And come again myself.

FACE

Are they within, then?

SUBTLE

Numbering the sum.

FACE

How much?

SUBTLE

A hundred marks, boy. [Exit. ]

FACE

Why, this’s a lucky day! Ten pounds of Mammon!

Three o’my clerk! A portague o’my grocer!

This o’the brethren! Besides reversions

And states to come i’the widow and my count! 30

My share today will not be bought for forty —

[Enter] DOLL.

DOLL

What?

FACE

Pounds, dainty Dorothy. Art thou so near?

DOLL

Yes. Say, Lord General, how fares our camp?

FACE

As with the few that had entrenched themselves

Safe by their discipline against a world, Doll, 35

And laughed within those trenches, and grew fat

With thinking on the booties, Doll, brought in

Daily by their small parties. This dear hour

A doughty don is taken with my Doll,

And thou mayst make his ransom what thou wilt, 40

My Dowsabel. He shall be brought here, fettered

With thy fair looks before he sees thee, and thrown

In a down bed as dark as any dungeon,

Where thou shalt keep him waking with thy drum,

Thy drum, my Doll, thy drum, till he be tame 45

As the poor blackbirds were i’the great frost,

Or bees are with a basin, and so hive him

I’the swan-skin coverlid and cambric sheets

Till he work honey and wax, my little God’s-gift.

DOLL

What is he, General?

FACE

An adalantado, 50

A grandee, girl. Was not my Dapper here yet?

DOLL

No.

FACE

Nor my Drugger?

DOLL

Neither.

FACE

A pox on ’em,

They are so long a-furnishing! Such stinkards

Would not be seen upon these festival days.

[Enter SUBTLE.]

How now! Ha’ you done?

SUBTLE

Done. They are gone. The sum 55

Is here in bank, my Face. I would we knew

Another chapman now would buy ’em outright.

FACE

’Slid, Nab shall do’t, against he ha’ the widow,

To furnish household.

SUBTLE

Excellent, well thought on.

Pray God he come.

FACE

I pray he keep away 60

Till our new business be o’erpast.

SUBTLE

But, Face,

How cam’st thou by this secret Don?

FACE

A spirit

Brought me th’intelligence in a paper here

As I was conjuring yonder in my circle

For Surly. I ha’ my flies abroad. Your bath 65

Is famous, Subtle, by my means. Sweet Doll,

You must go tune your virginal, no losing

O’the least time; and — do you hear? — good action.

Firk like a flounder; kiss like a scallop, close;

And tickle him with thy mother tongue. His great 70

Verdugoship has not a jot of language.

So much the easier to be cozened, my Dolly.

He will come here in a hired coach, obscure,

And our own coachman, whom I have sent as guide,

No creature else.

One knocks.

Who’s that?

SUBTLE

It i’ not he? 75

FACE

Oh, no, not yet this hour.

SUBTLE

Who is’t?

DOLL

[Looking Out] Dapper,

Your clerk.

FACE

God’s will, then, Queen of Fairy,

On with your tire. [Exit Doll.]

And, Doctor, with your robes.

Let’s dispatch him, for God’s sake.

SUBTLE

’Twill be long.

FACE

I warrant you, take but the cues I give you, 80

It shall be brief enough. [Looking out] ’Slight, here are more!

Abel and, I think, the angry boy, the heir

That fain would quarrel.

SUBTLE

And the widow?

FACE

No,

Not that I see. Away. [Exit Subtle.]

[Opening door] Oh, sir, you are welcome.

3.4 [Enter] DAPPER.

FACE

The Doctor is within, a-moving for you —

I have had the most ado to win him to it —

He swears you’ll be the darling o’the dice.

He never heard Her Highness dote till now, he says.

You aunt has giv’n you the most gracious words 5

That can be thought on.

DAPPER

Shall I see Her Grace?

FACE

See her, and kiss her too.

[Enter] DRUGGER [and] KASTRIL.

What? Honest Nab!

Hast brought the damask?

DRUGGER

No, sir. Here’s tobacco.

FACE

’Tis well done, Nab. Thou’lt bring the damask too?

DRUGGER

Yes. Here’s the gentleman, Captain, Master Kastril, 10

I have brought to see the Doctor.

FACE

Where’s the widow?

DRUGGER

Sir, as he likes, his sister, he says, shall come.

FACE

Oh, is it so? [To Kastril] ’Good time. Is your name Kastril, sir?

KASTRIL

Ay, and the best o’the Kastrils. I’d be sorry else

By fifteen hundred a year. Where is this Doctor? 15

My mad tobacco-boy here tells me of one

That can do things. Has he any skill?

FACE

Wherein, sir?

KASTRIL

To carry a business, manage a quarrel fairly,

Upon fit terms.

FACE

It seems, sir, you’re but young

About the town that can make that a question! 20

KASTRIL

Sir, not so young but I have heard some speech

Of the angry boys, and seen ’em take tobacco,

And in his shop; and I can take it too;

And I would fain be one of ’em and go down

And practise i’the country.

FACE

Sir, for the duello, 25

The Doctor, I assure you, shall inform you

To the least shadow of a hair, and show you

An instrument he has of his own making

Wherewith, no sooner shall you make report

Of any quarrel but he will take the height on’t, 30

Most instantly, and tell in what degree

Of safety it lies in, or mortality;

And how it may be borne, whether in a right line

Or a half-circle, or may else be cast

Into an angle blunt, if not acute. 35

All this he will demonstrate. And then rules

To give and take the lie by.

KASTRIL

How? To take it?

FACE

Yes, in oblique he’ll show you, or in circle,

But never in diameter. The whole town

Study his theorems and dispute them ordinarily 40

At the eating academies.

KASTRIL

But does he teach

Living by the wits too?

FACE

Anything whatever.

You cannot think that subtlety but he reads it.

He made me a captain. I was a stark pimp,

Just o’your standing, ’fore I met with him. 45

It i’ not two months since. I’ll tell you his method.

First, he will enter you at some ordinary.

KASTRIL

No, I’ll not come there. You shall pardon me.

FACE

For why, sir?

KASTRIL

There’s gaming there, and tricks.

FACE

Why, would you be

A gallant and not game?

KASTRIL

Ay, ’twill spend a man. 50

FACE

Spend you? It will repair you when you are spent.

How do they live by their wits there that have vented

Six times your fortunes?

KASTRIL

What, three thousand a year!

FACE

Ay, forty thousand.

KASTRIL

Are there such?

FACE

Ay, sir.

And gallants yet. [Indicating Dapper] Here’s a young gentleman 55

Is born to nothing — forty marks a year,

Which I count nothing. He’s to be initiated

And have a fly o’the Doctor. He will win you

By unresistable luck, within this fortnight,

Enough to buy a barony. They will set him 60

Upmost at the groom-porters, all the Christmas!

And for the whole year through, at every place

Where there is play, present him with the chair,

The best attendance, the best drink, sometimes

Two glasses of canary, and pay nothing; 65

The purest linen, and the sharpest knife,

The partridge next his trencher — and somewhere

The dainty bed, in private with the dainty.

You shall ha’ your ordinaries bid for him

As playhouses for a poet, and the master 70

Pray him aloud to name what dish he affects,

Which must be buttered shrimps; and those that drink

To no mouth else will drink to his, as being

The goodly president mouth of all the board.

KASTRIL

Do you not gull one?

FACE

’Od’s my life! Do you think it? 75

You shall have a cast commander, can but get

In credit with a glover or a spurrier

For some two pair of either’s ware aforehand,

Will, by most swift posts, dealing with him,

Arrive at competent means to keep himself, 80

His punk, and naked boy in excellent fashion.

And be admired for’t.

KASTRIL

Will the Doctor teach this?

FACE

He will do more, sir: when your land is gone

(As men of spirit hate to keep earth long),

In a vacation when small money is stirring 85

And ordinaries suspended till the term,

He’ll show a perspective where on one side

You shall behold the faces and the persons

Of all sufficient young heirs in town

Whose bonds are current for commodity; 90

On th’other side, the merchants’ forms and others

That, without help of any second broker

(Who would expect a share) will trust such parcels;

In the third square, the very street and sign

Where the commodity dwells and does but wait 95

To be delivered, be it pepper, soap,

Hops, or tobacco, oatmeal, woad, or cheeses,

All which you may so handle to enjoy

To your own use, and never stand obliged.

KASTRIL

I’faith! Is he such a fellow?

FACE

Why, Nab here knows him. 100

And then for making matches for rich widows,

Young gentlewomen, heirs, the fortunat’st man!

He’s sent to, far and near, all over England,

To have his counsel and to know their fortunes.

KASTRIL

God’s will, my suster shall see him.

FACE

I’ll tell you, sir, 105

What he did tell me of Nab. It’s a strange thing! —

[To Drugger] By the way, you must eat no cheese, Nab. It breeds

melancholy,

And that same melancholy breeds worms — but pass it.

He told me honest Nab here was ne’er at tavern

But once in’s life!

DRUGGER

Truth, and no more I was not. 110

FACE

And then he was so sick —

DRUGGER

Could he tell you that too?

FACE

How should I know it?

DRUGGER

In troth, we had been a-shooting,

And had a piece of fat ram-mutton to supper

That lay so heavy o’my stomach —

FACE

And he has no head

To bear any wine, for what with the noise o’the fiddlers 115

And care of his shop, for he dares keep no servants —

DRUGGER

My head did so ache —

FACE

As he was fain to be brought home,

The Doctor told me; and then a good old woman —

DRUGGER

Yes, faith, she dwells in Seacoal Lane, did cure me

With sodden ale and pellitory o’the wall. 120

Cost me but twopence. I had another sickness

Was worse than that.

FACE

Ay, that was with the grief

Thou took’st for being ’sessed at eighteen pence

For the waterwork.

DRUGGER

In truth, and it was like

T’have cost me almost my life.

FACE

Thy hair went off? 125

DRUGGER

Yes, sir, ’twas done for spite.

FACE

Nay, so says the Doctor.

KASTRIL

Pray thee, tobacco-boy, go fetch my suster.

I’ll see this learnèd boy before I go.

And so shall she.

FACE

Sir, he is busy now,

But if you have a sister to fetch hither 130

Perhaps your own pains may command her sooner,

And he, by that time, will be free.

KASTRIL

I go. [Exit.]

FACE

Drugger, she’s thine. The damask! [Exit Drugger.]

[Aside] Subtle and I

Must wrestle for her. — Come on, Master Dapper.

You see how I turn clients here away 135

To give your cause dispatch. Ha’ you performed

The ceremonies were enjoined you?

DAPPER

Yes, o’the vinegar

And the clean shirt.

FACE

’Tis well. That shirt may do you

More worship than you think. Your aunt’s afire,

But that she will not show it, t’have a sight on you. 140

Ha’ you provided for Her Grace’s servants?

DAPPER

Yes, here are six score Edward shillings.

FACE

Good.

DAPPER

And an old Harry’s sovereign.

FACE

Very good.

DAPPER

And three James shillings and an Elizabeth groat,

Just twenty nobles.

FACE

Oh, you are too just. 145

I would you had had the other noble in Mary’s.

DAPPER

I have some Philip and Mary’s.

FACE

Ay, those same

Are best of all. Where are they? Hark, the Doctor.

3.5 [Enter] SUBTLE disguised like a priest of Fairy.

SUBTLE

Is yet Her Grace’s cousin come?

FACE

He is come.

SUBTLE

And is he fasting?

FACE

Yes.

SUBTLE

And hath cried ‘hum’?

FACE

[To Dapper] Thrice, you must answer.

DAPPER

Thrice.

SUBTLE

And as oft ‘buzz’?

FACE

[To Dapper] If you have, say.

DAPPER

I have.

SUBTLE

[Presenting Dapper with a Robe] Then to her coz,

Hoping that he hath vinegared his senses 5

As he was bid, the Fairy Queen dispenses

By me this robe, the petticoat of Fortune,

Which that he straight put on, she doth importune.

And though to Fortune near be her petticoat,

Yet nearer is her smock, the Queen doth note, 10

And therefore even of that a piece she hath sent,

Which, being a child, to wrap him in was rent,

And prays him for a scarf he now will wear it

(With as much love as then Her Grace did tear it)

About his eyes, to show he is fortunate. 15

They blind him with a rag.

And trusting unto her to make his state,

He’ll throw away all worldly pelf about him,

Which that he will perform she doth not doubt him.

FACE

She need not doubt him, sir. Alas, he has nothing

But what he will part withal as willingly 20

Upon Her Grace’s word — [To Dapper] Throw away your purse —

As she would ask it — [To Dapper] Handkerchiefs and all —

She cannot bid that thing but he’ll obey. —

[To Dapper ] If you have a ring about you, cast it off,

Or a silver seal at your wrist.

He throws away as they bid him.

Her Grace will send 25

Her fairies here to search you. Therefore deal

Directly with Her Highness. If they find

That you conceal a mite, you are undone.

DAPPER

Truly, there’s all.

FACE

All what?

DAPPER

My money, truly.

FACE

Keep nothing that is transitory about you. 30

[Aside to Subtle] Bid Doll play music.

DOLL enters with a cittern.

[To Dapper] Look, the elves are come

To pinch you if you tell not truth. Advise you.

They pinch him.

DAPPER

Oh, I have a paper with a spur-royal in’t.

FACE

Ti, ti!

They knew’t, they say.

SUBTLE

Ti, ti, ti, ti! He has more yet.

FACE

Ti, ti-ti-ti. I’the t’other pocket?

SUBTLE

Titi, titi, titi, titi.35

They must pinch him or he will never confess, they say.

DAPPER

Oh, oh!

FACE

Nay, pray you hold. He is Her Grace’s nephew.

Ti, ti, ti! What care you? Good faith, you shall care.

Deal plainly, sir, and shame the fairies. Show

You are an innocent.

DAPPER

By this good light, I ha’ nothing.40

SUBTLE

Ti ti, ti ti to ta! He does equivocate, she says—

Ti, to do ti, ti ti do, ti da!—and swears by the light when he is blinded.

DAPPER

By this good dark, I ha’ nothing but a half-crown

Of gold about my wrist that my love gave me,

And a leaden heart I wore sin’ she forsook me. 45

FACE

I thought ’twas something. And would you incur

Your aunt’s displeasure for these trifles? Come,

I had rather you had thrown away twenty half-crowns.

[He removes Dapper’s coin bracelet.]

You may wear your leaden heart still. – How now?

[Subtle, Doll, and Face talk out of Dapper’s hearing.]

SUBTLE

What news, Doll?

DOLL

Yonder’s your knight, Sir Mammon. 50

FACE

God’s lid, we never thought of him till now.

Where is he?

DOLL

Here, hard by. He’s at the door.

SUBTLE

And you are not ready now? Doll, get his suit.

He must not be sent back.

FACE

Oh, by no means.

What shall we do with this same puffin here, 55

Now he’s o’the spit?

SUBTLE

Why, lay him back a while

With some device. — Ti, ti ti, ti ti ti! Would Her Grace speak with me?

I come. — Help, Doll.

FACE

(He speaks through the keyhole, the other [Mammon] knocking.) Who’s there? Sir Epicure,

My master’s i’the way. Please you to walk

Three or four turns, but till his back be turned, 60

And I am for you. — Quickly, Doll!

SUBTLE

[To Dapper] Her Grace

Commends her kindly to you, Master Dapper.

DAPPER

I long to see Her Grace.

SUBTLE

She now is set

At dinner in her bed, and she has sent you,

From her own private trencher, a dead mouse 65

And a piece of gingerbread, to be merry withal

And stay your stomach lest you faint with fasting.

Yet, if you could hold out till she saw you (she says)

It would be better for you.

FACE

Sir, he shall

Hold out, an ’twere this two hours, for Her Highness. 70

I can assure you that. We will not lose

All we ha’ done —

SUBTLE

He must nor see nor speak

To anybody till then.

FACE

For that we’ll put, sir,

A stay in’s mouth.

SUBTLE

Of what?

FACE

Of gingerbread.

Make you it fit. He that hath pleased Her Grace 75

Thus far shall not now crinkle for a little.

Gape, sir, and let him fit you.

[They gag Dapper.]

SUBTLE

Where shall we now

Bestow him?

DOLL

I’the privy.

SUBTLE

[To Dapper] Come along, sir,

I must now show you Fortune’s privy lodgings.

FACE

Are they perfumed? And his bath ready?

SUBTLE

All. 80

Only the fumigation’s somewhat strong.

FACE

Sir Epicure, I am yours, sir, by and by. [Exeunt.]

4.1 [Enter] FACE [and] MAMMON.

FACE

Oh, sir, you’re come i’the only finest time —

MAMMON

Where’s master?

FACE

Now preparing for projection, sir.

Your stuff will be all changed shortly.

MAMMON

Into gold?

FACE

To gold and silver, sir.

MAMMON

Silver I care not for.

FACE

Yes, sir, a little to give beggars.

MAMMON

Where’s the lady? 5

FACE

At hand, here. I ha’ told her such brave things o’you

Touching your bounty and your noble spirit —

MAMMON

Hast thou?

FACE

As she is almost in her fit to see you.

But, good sir, no divinity i’your conference,

For fear of putting her in rage —

MAMMON

I warrant thee. 10

FACE

Six men will not hold her down. And then,

If the old man should hear or see you —

MAMMON

Fear not.

FACE

The very house, sir, would run mad. You know it

How scrupulous he is, and violent

’Gainst the least act of sin. Physic or mathematics, 15

Poetry, state, or bawdry (as I told you)

She will endure and never startle. But

No word of controversy.

MAMMON

I am schooled, good Ulen.

FACE

And you must praise her house, remember that,

And her nobility.

MAMMON

Let me alone. 20

No herald, nor antiquary, Lungs,

Shall do it better. Go.

FACE

[Aside] Why, this is yet

A kind of modern happiness: to have

Doll Common for a great lady. [Exit.]

MAMMON

Now, Epicure,

Heighten thyself. Talk to her all in gold; 25

Rain her as many showers as Jove did drops

Unto his Danaë: show the god a miser

Compared with Mammon. What? The stone will do’t.

She shall feel gold, taste gold, hear gold, sleep gold;

Nay, we will concumbere gold. I will be puissant 30

And mighty in my talk to her! Here she comes.

[Enter FACE with] DOLL.

FACE

[Aside to Doll] To him, Doll, suckle him. — This is the noble knight

I told Your Ladyship —

MAMMON

Madam, with your pardon

I kiss your vesture.

DOLL

Sir, I were uncivil

If I would suffer that. My lip to you, sir. 35

MAMMON

I hope My Lord your brother be in health, lady?

DOLL

My Lord my brother is, though I no lady, sir.

FACE

[Aside] Well said, my guinea-bird.

MAMMON

Right noble madam —

FACE

[Aside] Oh, we shall have most fierce idolatry!

MAMMON

’Tis your prerogative.

DOLL

Rather your courtesy. 40

MAMMON

Were there nought else t’ enlarge your virtues to me,

These answers speak your breeding and your blood.

DOLL

Blood we boast none, sir: a poor baron’s daughter.

MAMMON

Poor! And gat you? Profane not. Had your father

Slept all the happy remnant of his life 45

After that act, lain but there still and panted,

He’d done enough to make himself, his issue,

And his posterity noble.

DOLL

Sir, although

We may be said to want the gilt and trappings,

The dress of honour, yet we strive to keep 50

The seeds and the materials.

MAMMON

I do see

The old ingredient, virtue, was not lost,

Nor the drug, money, used to make your compound.

There is a strange nobility i’your eye,

This lip, that chin! Methinks you do resemble 55

One o’the Austriac princes.

FACE

[Aside] Very like:

Her father was an Irish costermonger.

MAMMON

The house of Valois, just, had such a nose.

And such a forehead yet the Medici

Of Florence boast.

DOLL

Troth, and I have been likened 60

To all these princes.

FACE

[Aside] I’ll be sworn I heard it.

MAMMON

I know not how! It is not any one,

But e’en the very choice of all their features.

FACE

[Aside] I’ll in and laugh. [Exit.]

MAMMON

A certain touch or air

That sparkles a divinity, beyond 65

An earthly beauty!

DOLL

Oh, you play the courtier.

MAMMON

Good lady, gi’ me leave —

DOLL

In faith, I may not,

To mock me, sir.

MAMMON

To burn i’this sweet flame;

The phoenix never knew a nobler death.

DOLL

Nay, now you court the courtier, and destroy 70

What you would build. This art, sir, i’your words

Calls your whole faith in question.

MAMMON

By my soul —

DOLL

Nay, oaths are made o’the same air, sir.

MAMMON

Nature

Never bestowed upon mortality

A more unblamed, a more harmonious feature; 75

She played the stepdame in all faces else.

Sweet madam, le’ me be particular —

DOLL

Particular, sir? I pray you, know your distance.

MAMMON

In no ill sense, sweet lady, but to ask

How your fair graces pass the hours? I see 80

You’re lodged here, i’the house of a rare man,

An excellent artist. But what’s that to you?

DOLL

Yes, sir. I study here the mathematics

And distillation.

MAMMON

Oh, I cry your pardon.

He’s a divine instructor! Can extract 85

The souls of all things by his art; call all

The virtues and the miracles of the sun

Into a temperate furnace; teach dull nature

What her own forces are. A man the Emp’ror

Has courted above Kelley, sent his medals 90

And chains t’invite him.

DOLL

Ay, and for his physic, sir —

MAMMON

Above the art of Aesculapius,

That drew the envy of the Thunderer!

I know all this and more.

DOLL

Troth, I am taken, sir,

Whole with these studies that contemplate nature. 95

MAMMON

It is a noble humour. But this form

Was not intended to so dark a use!

Had you been crooked, foul, of some coarse mould,

A cloister had done well. But such a feature,

That might stand up the glory of a kingdom, 100

To live recluse is a mere solecism,

Though in a nunnery. It must not be.

I muse my lord your brother will permit it!

You should spend half my land first, were I he.

Does not this diamond better on my finger 105

Than i’the quarry?

DOLL

Yes.

MAMMON

Why, you are like it.

You were created, lady, for the light!

Here, you shall wear it. Take it, the first pledge

Of what I speak, to bind you to believe me.

DOLL

In chains of adamant?

MAMMON

Yes, the strongest bands. 110

And take a secret, too: here by your side

Doth stand, this hour, the happiest man in Europe.

DOLL

You are contented, sir?

MAMMON

Nay, in true being:

The envy of princes and the fear of states.

DOLL

Say you so, Sir Epicure?

MAMMON

Yes, and thou shalt prove it, 115

Daughter of honour. I have cast mine eye

Upon thy form, and I will rear this beauty

Above all styles.

DOLL

You mean no treason, sir?

MAMMON

No, I will take away that jealousy.

I am the lord of the philosopher’s stone, 120

And thou the lady.

DOLL

How, sir! Ha’ you that?

MAMMON

I am the master of the maistry.

This day the good old wretch here o’the house

Has made it for us. Now he’s at projection.

Think therefore thy first wish now. Let me hear it, 125

And it shall rain into thy lap, no shower

But floods of gold, whole cataracts, a deluge,

To get a nation on thee!

DOLL

You are pleased, sir,

To work on the ambition of our sex.

MAMMON

I’m pleased the glory of her sex should know 130

This nook here of the Friars is no climate

For her to live obscurely in, to learn

Physic and surgery for the constable’s wife

Of some odd hundred in Essex. But come forth

And taste the air of palaces; eat, drink 135

The toils of emp’rics and their boasted practice,

Tincture of pearl and coral, gold and amber;

Be seen at feasts and triumphs; have it asked

What miracle she is; set all the eyes

Of court afire, like a burning glass, 140

And work ’em into cinders, when the jewels

Of twenty states adorn thee, and the light

Strikes out the stars; that, when thy name is mentioned,

Queens may look pale; and, we but showing our love,

Nero’s Poppaea may be lost in story! 145

Thus will we have it.

DOLL

I could well consent, sir.

But in a monarchy how will this be?

The prince will soon take notice, and both seize

You and your stone, it being a wealth unfit

For any private subject.

MAMMON

If he knew it. 150

DOLL

Yourself do boast it, sir.

MAMMON

To thee, my life.

DOLL

Oh, but beware, sir! You may come to end

The remnant of your days in a loathed prison

By speaking of it.

MAMMON

’Tis no idle fear!

We’ll therefore go with all, my girl, and live 155

In a free state, where we will eat our mullets

Soused in high-country wines, sup pheasants’ eggs,

And have our cockles boiled in silver shells,

Our shrimps to swim again, as when they lived,

In a rare butter made of dolphins’ milk, 160

Whose cream does look like opals; and with these

Delicate meats set ourselves high for pleasure,

And take us down again, and then renew

Our youth and strength with drinking the elixir,

And so enjoy a perpetuity 165

Of life and lust; and thou shalt ha’ thy wardrobe

Richer than Nature’s, still to change thyself

And vary oft’ner, for thy pride, than she,

Or Art, her wise and almost equal servant.

[ Enter FACE. ]

FACE

Sir, you are too loud. I hear you, every word, 170

Into the laboratory. Some fitter place:

The garden or great chamber above. How like you her?

MAMMON

[Aside to Face] Excellent, Lungs! There’s for thee.

[He gives money.]

FACE

[Aside to Mammon] But do you hear?

Good sir, beware: no mention of the Rabbins.

MAMMON

We think not on ’em.

FACE

Oh, it is well, sir. [Exeunt Mammon and Doll.]

[Calling] Subtle! 175

4.2 [Enter] SUBTLE.

FACE

Dost thou not laugh?

SUBTLE

Yes. Are they gone?

FACE

All’s clear.

SUBTLE

The widow is come.

FACE

And your quarrelling disciple?

SUBTLE

Ay.

FACE

I must to my captainship again, then.

SUBTLE

Stay, bring ’em in first.

FACE

So I meant. What is she?

A bonnibel?

SUBTLE

I know not.

FACE

We’ll draw lots. 5

You’ll stand to that?

SUBTLE

What else?

FACE

Oh, for a suit

To fall now, like a curtain: flap.

SUBTLE

To th’ door, man.

FACE

You’ll ha’ the first kiss, ’cause I am not ready.

SUBTLE

[ Aside] Yes, and perhaps hit you through both the nostrils.

[ Face opens the door. Enter ] KASTRIL [and] DAME PLIANT.

FACE

Who would you speak with?

KASTRIL

Where’s the Captain?

FACE

Gone, sir, 10

About some business.

KASTRIL

Gone?

FACE

He’ll return straight.

But Master Doctor, his lieutenant, is here. [Exit.]

SUBTLE

Come near, my worshipful boy, my terrae fili,

That is, my boy of land. Make thy approaches.

Welcome. I know thy lusts and thy desires, 15

And I will serve and satisfy ’em. Begin.

Charge me from thence, or thence, or in this line.

Here is my centre. Ground thy quarrel.

KASTRIL

You lie.

SUBTLE

How, child of wrath and anger! The loud lie?

For what, my sudden boy?

KASTRIL

Nay, that look you to, 20

I am aforehand.

SUBTLE

Oh, this’s no true grammar,

And as ill logic! You must render causes, child,

Your first and second intentions, know your canons,

And your divisions, moods, degrees, and differences,

Your predicaments, substance, and accident, 25

Series extern and intern, with their causes

Efficient, material, formal, final,

And ha’ your elements perfect —

KASTRIL

What is this,

The angry tongue he talks in?

SUBTLE

That false precept

Of being aforehand has deceived a number, 30

And made ’em enter quarrels, oftentimes,

Before they were aware, and afterward

Against their wills.

KASTRIL

How must I do then, sir?

SUBTLE

I cry this lady mercy. She should, first,

Have been saluted. I do call you lady 35

Because you are to be one, ere’t be long,

My soft and buxom widow.

He kisses her.

KASTRIL

Is she, i’faith?

SUBTLE

Yes, or my art is an egregious liar.

KASTRIL

How know you?

SUBTLE

By inspection on her forehead,

And subtlety of her lip, which must be tasted 40

Often to make a judgement.

He kisses her again.

[Aside] ’Slight, she melts

Like a myrobalan! — Here is yet a line

In rivo frontis tells me he is no knight.

PLIANT

What is he then, sir?

SUBTLE

Let me see your hand.

Oh, your linea fortunae makes it plain, 45

And stella here in monte veneris,

But most of all junctura annularis.

He is a soldier or a man of art, lady,

But shall have some great honour shortly.

PLIANT

Brother,

He’s a rare man, believe me!

KASTRIL

Hold your peace. 50

[ Enter FACE as Captain. ]

Here comes the t’other rare man. — Save you, Captain.

FACE

Good Master Kastril. Is this your sister?

KASTRIL

Ay, sir.

Please you to kuss her and be proud to know her?

FACE

I shall be proud to know you, lady.

PLIANT

Brother,

He calls me lady too.

KASTRIL

Ay, peace. I heard it. 55

[Face and Subtle speak aside.]

FACE

The Count is come.

SUBTLE

Where is he?

FACE

At the door.

SUBTLE

Why, you must entertain him.

FACE

What’ll you do

With these the while?

SUBTLE

Why, have ’em up and show ’em

Some fustian book or the dark glass.

FACE

’Fore God,

She is a delicate dabchick! I must have her. [Exit.] 60

SUBTLE

[Aside] Must you? Ay, if your fortune will, you must. —

Come sir, the Captain will come to us presently.

I’ll ha’ you to my chamber of demonstrations,

Where I’ll show you both the grammar and logic

And rhetoric of quarrelling, my whole method, 65

Drawn out in tables, and my instrument

That hath the several scale upon’t, shall make you

Able to quarrel at a straw’s breadth by moonlight.

And, lady, I’ll have you look in a glass

Some half an hour, but to clear your eyesight 70

Against you see your fortune, which is greater

Than I may judge upon the sudden, trust me. [Exeunt.]

4.3 [ Enter] FACE.

FACE

Where are you, Doctor?

SUBTLE

[Within] I’ll come to you presently.

FACE

I will ha’ this same widow, now I ha’ seen her,

On any composition.

[Enter] SUBTLE.

SUBTLE

What do you say?

FACE

Ha’ you disposed of them?

SUBTLE

I ha’ sent ’em up.

FACE

Subtle, in troth, I needs must have this widow. 5

SUBTLE

Is that the matter?

FACE

Nay, but hear me.

SUBTLE

Go to,

If you rebel once, Doll shall know it all.

Therefore, be quiet, and obey your chance.

FACE

Nay, thou art so violent now. Do but conceive:

Thou art old and canst not serve —

SUBTLE

Who cannot? I? 10

’Slight, I will serve her with thee, for a —

FACE

Nay,

But understand: I’ll gi’ you composition.

SUBTLE

I will not treat with thee. What, sell my fortune?

’Tis better than my birthright. Do not murmur.

Win her and carry her. If you grumble, Doll 15

Knows it directly.

FACE

Well, sir, I am silent.

Will you go help to fetch in Don, in state?

SUBTLE

I follow you, sir. [Exit Face.]

We must keep Face in awe

Or he will overlook us like a tyrant.

Brain of a tailor! Who comes here? Don John! 20

[ Enter] SURLY like a Spaniard [and FACE].

SURLY

Señores, beso las manos a vuestras mercedes.

SUBTLE

Would you had stooped a little, and kissed our anos.

FACE

Peace, Subtle.

SUBTLE

Stab me! I shall never hold, man.

He looks in that deep ruff like a head in a platter,

Served in by a short cloak upon two trestles! 25

FACE

Or what do you say to a collar of brawn, cut down

Beneath the souse and wriggled with a knife?

SUBTLE

’Slud, he does look too fat to be a Spaniard.

FACE

Perhaps some Fleming or some Hollander got him

In D’Alva’s time, Count Egmont’s bastard.

SUBTLE

[To Surly] Don, 30

Your scurvy, yellow, Madrid face is welcome.

SURLY

Gracias.

SUBTLE

He speaks out of a fortification.

Pray God he ha’ no squibs in those deep sets.

SURLY

Por dios, Señores, muy linda casa!

SUBTLE

What says he?

FACE

Praises the house, I think. 35

I know no more but’s action.

SUBTLE

Yes, the casa,

My precious Diego, will prove fair enough

To cozen you in. Do you mark? You shall

Be cozened, Diego.

FACE

Cozened, do you see?

My worthy donzel, cozened.

SURLY

Entiendo. 40

SUBTLE

Do you intend it? So do we, dear Don.

Have you brought pistolets? Or portagues?

My solemn Don?

He [Face] feels his pockets.

Dost thou feel any?

FACE

Full.

SUBTLE

You shall be emptied, Don; pumped and drawn

Dry, as they say.

FACE

Milked, in troth, sweet Don. 45

SUBTLE

See all the monsters, the great lion of all, Don.

SURLY

Con licencia, se puede ver a esta señora?

SUBTLE

What talks he now?

FACE

O’the señora.

SUBTLE

O Don,

That is the lioness, which you shall see

Also, my Don.

FACE

’Slid, Subtle, how shall we do? 50

SUBTLE

For what?

FACE

Why, Doll’s employed, you know.

SUBTLE

That’s true!

’Fore heaven, I know not. He must stay, that’s all.

FACE

Stay? That he must not by no means.

SUBTLE

No? Why?

FACE

Unless you’ll mar all. ’Slight, he’ll suspect it.

And then he will not pay, not half so well. 55

This is a travelled punk-master, and does know

All the delays; a notable hot rascal,

And looks already rampant.

SUBTLE

’Sdeath, and Mammon

Must not be troubled.

FACE

Mammon, in no case!

SUBTLE

What shall we do then?

FACE

Think: you must be sudden. 60

SURLY

Entiendo que la señora es tan hermosa que codìcio tan

a verla, como la bien aventuranza de mi vida.

FACE

Mi vida? ’Slid, Subtle, he puts me in mind o’the widow.

What dost thou say to draw her to’t? Ha?

And tell her it is her fortune. All our venture 65

Now lies upon’t. It is but one man more,

Which on’s chance to have her; and beside,

There is no maidenhead to be feared or lost.

What dost thou think on’t, Subtle?

SUBTLE

Who, I? Why —

FACE

The credit of our house too is engaged. 70

SUBTLE

You made me an offer for my share erewhile.

What wilt thou gi’ me, i’faith?

FACE

Oh, by that light,

I’ll not buy now. You know your doom to me.

E’en take your lot, obey your chance, sir; win her

And wear her — out — for me.

SUBTLE

’Slight, I’ll not work her then. 75

FACE

It is the common cause; therefore, bethink you.

Doll else must know it, as you said.

SUBTLE

I care not.

SURLY

Señores, por qué se tarda tanto?

SUBTLE

Faith, I am not fit. I am old.

FACE

That’s now no reason, sir.

SURLY

Puede ser de hacer burla de mi amor? 80

FACE

You hear the Don too? By this air, I call

And loose the hinges. Doll!

SUBTLE

A plague of hell —

FACE

Will you then do?

SUBTLE

You’re a terrible rogue.

I’ll think of this. Will you, sir, call the widow?

FACE

Yes, and I’ll take her too, with all her faults, 85

Now I do think on’t better.

SUBTLE

With all my heart, sir.

Am I discharged o’the lot?

FACE

As you please.

SUBTLE

Hands.

[They shake hands.]

FACE

Remember now that upon any change

You never claim her.

SUBTLE

Much good joy and health to you, sir.

Marry a whore? Fate, let me wed a witch first. 90

SURLY

Por estas honradas barbas —

SUBTLE

He swears by his beard.

Dispatch, and call the brother too. [Exit Face.]

SURLY

Tengo duda, señores,

Que no me hagan alguna traición.

SUBTLE

How? Issue on? Yes, presto, señor. Please you

Enthratha the chambratha, worthy Don, 95

Where, if it please the fates, in your bathada

You shall be soaked and stroked and tubbed and rubbed

And scrubbed and fubbed, dear Don, before you go.

You shall, in faith, my scurvy baboon Don,

Be curried, clawed, and flawed and tawed indeed. 100

I will the heartilier go about it now,

And make the widow a punk so much the sooner

To be revenged on this impetuous Face.

The quickly doing of it is the grace. [Exeunt.]

4.4 [ Enter] FACE, KASTRIL, [and] DAME PLIANT.

FACE

Come, lady. I knew the Doctor would not leave

Till he had found the very nick of her fortune.

KASTRIL

To be a countess, say you?

FACE

A Spanish countess, sir.

PLIANT

Why? Is that better than an English countess?

FACE

Better? ’Slight, make you that a question, lady? 5

KASTRIL

Nay, she is a fool, Captain. You must pardon her.

FACE

Ask from your courtier to your Inns of Court man

To your mere milliner: they will tell you all,

Your Spanish jennet is the best horse. Your Spanish

Stoop is the best garb. Your Spanish beard 10

Is the best cut. Your Spanish ruffs are the best

Wear. Your Spanish pavan is the best dance.

Your Spanish titillation in a glove

The best perfume. And for your Spanish pike

And Spanish blade, let your poor Captain speak. 15

Here comes the Doctor.

[Enter] SUBTLE [with a paper].

SUBTLE

My most honoured lady

(For so I am now to style you, having found

By this my scheme you are to undergo

An honourable fortune very shortly),

What will you say now if some —

FACE

I ha’ told her all, sir, 20

And her right worshipful brother here: that she shall be

A countess. Do not delay ’em, sir. A Spanish countess.

SUBTLE

Still, my scarce worshipful Captain, you can keep

No secret. — Well, since he has told you, madam,

Do you forgive him, and I do.

KASTRIL

She shall do that, sir. 25

I’ll look to’t; ’tis my charge.

SUBTLE

Well then. Naught rests

But that she fit her love, now, to her fortune.

PLIANT

Truly, I shall never brook a Spaniard.

SUBTLE

No?

PLIANT

Never sin’ eighty-eight could I abide ’em,

And that was some three year afore I was born, in truth. 30

SUBTLE

Come, you must love him, or be miserable.

Choose which you will.

FACE

[To Kastril] By this good rush, persuade her.

She will cry strawberries else within this twelvemonth.

SUBTLE

Nay, shads and mack’rel, which is worse.

FACE

Indeed, sir?

KASTRIL

God’s lid, you shall love him, or I’ll kick you.

PLIANT

Why, 35

I’ll do as you will ha’ me, brother.

KASTRIL

Do,

Or by this hand, I’ll maul you.

FACE

Nay, good sir,

Be not so fierce.

SUBTLE

No, my enragèd child,

She will be ruled. What, when she comes to taste

The pleasures of a countess! To be courted — 40

FACE

And kissed, and ruffled!

SUBTLE

Ay, behind the hangings.

FACE

And then come forth in pomp!

SUBTLE

And know her state!

FACE

Of keeping all th’idolaters o’the chamber

Barer to her than at their prayers!

SUBTLE

Is served

Upon the knee!

FACE

And has her pages, ushers, 45

Footmen and coaches —

SUBTLE

Her six mares —

FACE

Nay, eight!

SUBTLE

To hurry her through London to th’Exchange,

Bedlam, the China-houses —

FACE

Yes, and have

The citizens gape at her and praise her tires!

And my lord’s goose-turd bands, that rides with her! 50

KASTRIL

Most brave! By this hand, you are not my suster

If you refuse.

PLIANT

I will not refuse, brother.

[Enter] SURLY.

SURLY

Qué es esto, señores, que non se venga?

Esta tardanza me mata!

FACE

It is the Count come!

The Doctor knew he would be here, by his art. 55

SUBTLE

En galanta madama, Don! Galantissima!

SURLY

Por todos los dioses, la más acabada

Hermosura, que he visto en mi vida!

FACE

Is’t not a gallant language that they speak?

KASTRIL

An admirable language! Is’t not French? 60

FACE

No, Spanish, sir.

KASTRIL

It goes like law-French,

And that, they say, is the courtliest language.

FACE

List, sir.

SURLY

El sol ha perdido su lumber, con el

Resplandor que trae esta dama. Válgame dios!

FACE

He admires your sister.

KASTRIL

Must not she make curtsy? 65

SUBTLE

’Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him!

It is the Spanish fashion for the women

To make first court.

FACE

’Tis true he tells you, sir:

His art knows all.

SURLY

Por qué no se acude?

KASTRIL

He speaks to her, I think?

FACE

That he does, sir. 70

SURLY

Por el amor de dios, que es esto que se tarda?

KASTRIL

Nay, see: she will not understand him! — Gull!

Noddy!

PLIANT

What say you, brother?

KASTRIL

Ass, my suster,

Go kuss him, as the cunning man would ha’ you.

I’ll thrust a pin i’your buttocks else.

FACE

Oh, no, sir. 75

SURLY

Señora mía, mi persona muy indigna está

A llegar a tanta hermosura.

FACE

Does he not use her bravely?

KASTRIL

Bravely, i’faith!

FACE

Nay, he will use her better.

KASTRIL

Do you think so?

SURLY

Señora, si será servida, entremos. 80 [Exit with Dame Pliant.]

KASTRIL

Where does he carry her?

FACE

Into the garden, sir.

Take you no thought; I must interpret for her.

SUBTLE

[Aside to Face] Give Doll the word. [Exit Face.]

Come, my fierce child, advance.

We’ll to our quarrelling lesson again.

KASTRIL

Agreed.

I love a Spanish boy with all my heart. 85

SUBTLE

Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother

To a great count.

KASTRIL

Ay, I knew that at first.

This match will advance the house of the Kastrils.

SUBTLE

Pray God your sister prove but pliant.

KASTRIL

Why,

Her name is so, by her other husband.

SUBTLE

How! 90

KASTRIL

The Widow Pliant. Knew you not that?

SUBTLE

No, faith, sir.

Yet by erection of her figure I guessed it.

Come let’s go practise.

KASTRIL

Yes, but do you think, Doctor,

I e’er shall quarrel well?

SUBTLE

I warrant you. [Exeunt.]

4.5 [ Enter] DOLL in her fit of talking [followed by] MAMMON.

DOLL

For after Alexander’s death —

MAMMON

Good lady —

DOLL

That Perdicas and Antigonus were slain,

The two that stood, Seleuc’ and Ptolemy —

MAMMON

Madam —

DOLL

Made up the two legs, and the fourth Beast.

That was Gog-north, and Egypt-south, which after 5

Was called Gog Iron-leg and South Iron-leg —

MAMMON

Lady —

DOLL

And then Gog-hornèd. So was Egypt, too.

Then Egypt clay-leg and Gog clay-leg —

MAMMON

Sweet madam.

DOLL

And last Gog-dust and Egypt-dust, which fall

In the last link of the fourth chain. And these 10

Be stars in story, which none see or look at —

MAMMON

What shall I do?

DOLL

For, as he says, except

We call the Rabbins and the heathen Greeks —

MAMMON

Dear lady.

DOLL

To come from Salem and from Athens,

And teach the people of Great Britain —

[Enter] FACE.

FACE

What’s the matter, sir? 15

DOLL

To speak the tongue of Eber and Javan —

MAMMON

Oh,

She’s in her fit.

DOLL

We shall know nothing —

FACE

Death, sir,

We are undone.

DOLL

Where, then, a learnèd linguist

Shall see the ancient used communion

Of vowels and consonants —

FACE

My master will hear! 20

DOLL

A wisdom which Pythagoras held most high —

MAMMON

Sweet honourable lady!

DOLL

To comprise

All sounds of voices in few marks of letters —

FACE

Nay, you must never hope to lay her now.

They speak together.

DOLL

And so we may arrive by

Talmud skill,

And profane Greek to raise

the building up erect

Of Helen’s house against the

Ismaelite,

King of Thogarma and his

habergeons

Brimstony, blue and fiery,

and the force

Of King Abaddon and the

beast of Cittim,

Which Rabbi David Kimchi,

Onkelos,

And Aben-Ezra do interpret

Rome.

FACE

How did you put her into’t?

MAMMON

Alas, I talked 25

Of a fifth monarchy I would

With the philosopher’s stone, by

chance, and she

Falls on the other four straight.

FACE

Out of Broughton!

I told you so. ’Slid, stop her mouth.

MAMMON

Is’t best?

FACE

She’ll never leave else. If

the old man hear her, 30

We are but faeces, ashes.

SUBTLE [Within]

What’s to do there?

FACE

Oh, we are lost! Now she hears

him, she is quiet.

Upon SUBTLE’s entry they disperse.

[ Exeunt Face and Doll.]

MAMMON

Where shall I hide me?

SUBTLE

How! What sight is here!

Close deeds of darkness and that shun the light!

Bring him again. Who is he? What, my son! 35

Oh, I have lived too long.

MAMMON

Nay, good dear father,

There was no unchaste purpose.

SUBTLE

Not? And flee me

When I come in?

MAMMON

That was my error.

SUBTLE

Error?

Guilt, guilt, my son. Give it the right name. No marvel

If I found check in our great work within 40

When such affairs as these were managing!

MAMMON

Why, have you so?

SUBTLE

It has stood still this half hour,

And all the rest of our less works gone back.

Where is the instrument of wickedness,

My lewd false drudge?

MAMMON

Nay, good sir, blame not him. 45

Believe me, ’twas against his will or knowledge.

I saw her by chance.

SUBTLE

Will you commit more sin

T’excuse a varlet?

MAMMON

By my hope, ’tis true, sir.

SUBTLE

Nay, then I wonder less, if you, for whom

The blessing was prepared, would so tempt heaven, 50

And lose your fortunes.

MAMMON

Why, sir?

SUBTLE

This’ll retard

The work a month at least.

MAMMON

Why, if it do,

What remedy? But think it not, good father.

Our purposes were honest.

SUBTLE

As they were,

So the reward will prove.

A great crack and noise within.

How now! Ay me! 55

God and all saints be good to us. What’s that?

[Enter FACE.]

FACE

Oh, sir, we are defeated! All the works

Are flown in fumo. Every glass is burst,

Furnace and all rent down, as if a bolt

Of thunder had been driven through the house! 60

Retorts, receivers, pelicans, bolt-heads,

All struck in shivers!

Subtle falls down as in a swoon.

Help, good sir! Alas,

Coldness and death invades him. Nay, Sir Mammon,

Do the fair offices of a man! You stand

As you were readier to depart than he. 65

One knocks.

Who’s there? [Looking out] My lord her brother is come.

MAMMON

Ha, Lungs?

FACE

His coach is at the door. Avoid his sight,

For he’s as furious as his sister is mad.

MAMMON

Alas!

FACE

My brain is quite undone with the fume, sir.

I ne’er must hope to be mine own man again. 70

MAMMON

Is all lost, Lungs? Will nothing be preserved

Of all our cost?

FACE

Faith, very little, sir.

A peck of coals or so, which is cold comfort, sir.

MAMMON

Oh, my voluptuous mind! I am justly punished.

FACE

And so am I, sir.

MAMMON

Cast from all my hopes — 75

FACE

Nay, certainties, sir.

MAMMON

By mine own base affections.

Subtle seems come to himself.

SUBTLE

Oh, the curst fruits of vice and lust!

MAMMON

Good father,

It was my sin. Forgive it.

SUBTLE

Hangs my roof

Over us still, and will not fall? Oh, justice

Upon us for this wicked man!

FACE

[To Mammon] Nay, look, sir, 80

You grieve him now with staying in his sight.

Good sir, the nobleman will come too and take you,

And that may breed a tragedy.

MAMMON

I’ll go.

FACE

Ay, and repent at home, sir. It may be,

For some good penance, you may ha’ it yet: 85

A hundred pound to the box at Bedlam —

MAMMON

Yes.

FACE

For the restoring such as ha’ their wits.

MAMMON

I’ll do’t.

FACE

I’ll send one to you to receive it.

MAMMON

Do.

Is no projection left?

FACE

All flown, or stinks, sir.

MAMMON

Will naught be saved that’s good for med’cine, thinkst thou? 90

FACE

I cannot tell, sir. There will be, perhaps,

Something about the scraping of the shards

Will cure the itch [Aside] though not your itch of mind, sir. –

It shall be saved for you and sent home. Good sir,

This way, for fear the lord should meet you. [Exit Mammon.]

SUBTLE

Face! 95

FACE

Ay.

SUBTLE

Is he gone?

FACE

Yes, and as heavily

As all the gold he hoped for were in his blood.

Let us be light, though.

SUBTLE

Ay, as balls, and bound

And hit our heads against the roof for joy.

There’s so much of our care now cast away. 100

FACE

Now to our don.

SUBTLE

Yes, your young widow by this time

Is made a countess, Face. She’s been in travail

Of a young heir for you.

FACE

Good, sir.

SUBTLE

Off with your case,

And greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should

After these common hazards.

FACE

Very well, sir. 105

Will you go fetch Don Diego off the while?

SUBTLE

And fetch him over too, if you’ll be pleased, sir.

Would Doll were in her place to pick his pockets now!

FACE

Why, you can do it as well, if you would set to’t.

I pray you prove your virtue.

SUBTLE

For your sake, sir. 110 [Exeunt.]

4.6 [Enter] SURLY [and] DAME PLIANT.

SURLY

Lady, you see into what hands you are fall’n,

’Mongst what a nest of villains! And how near

Your honour was t’have catched a certain clap,

Through your credulity, had I but been

So punctually forward as place, time, 5

And other circumstance would ha’ made a man.

For you’re a handsome woman; would you were wise too.

I am a gentleman, come here disguised

Only to find the knaveries of this citadel,

And where I might have wronged your honour and have not, 10

I claim some interest in your love. You are,

They say, a widow, rich; and I am a bachelor,

Worth naught. Your fortunes may make me a man,

As mine ha’ preserved you a woman. Think upon it,

And whether I have deserved you or no.

PLIANT

I will, sir. 15

SURLY

And for these household rogues, let me alone

To treat with them.

[Enter] SUBTLE.

SUBTLE

How doth my noble Diego?

And my dear Madam Countess? Hath the Count

Been courteous, lady? Liberal? And open?

Donzel, methinks you look melancholic 20

After your coitum, and scurvy! Truly,

I do not like the dullness of your eye:

It hath a heavy cast, ’tis upsee Dutch,

And says you are a lumpish whoremaster.

Be lighter; I will make your pockets so. 25

He falls to picking of them.

SURLY

Will you, Don bawd and pickpurse? How now? Reel you?

Stand up, sir. You shall find, since I am so heavy,

I’ll gi’ you equal weight.

SUBTLE

Help, murder!

SURLY

No, sir.

There’s no such thing intended. A good cart

And a clean whip shall ease you of that fear. 30

I am the Spanish Don that should be cozened,

Do you see? Cozened? Where’s your Captain Face,

That parcel broker and whole bawd, all rascal?

[ Enter] FACE.

FACE

How, Surly!

SURLY

Oh, make your approach, good Captain.

I’ve found from whence your copper rings and spoons 35

Come now, wherewith you cheat abroad in taverns.

’Twas here you learned t’anoint your boot with brimstone,

Then rub men’s gold on’t for a kind of touch,

And say ’twas naught, when you had changed the colour,

That you might ha’t for nothing! And this Doctor, 40

Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, he

Will close you so much gold in a bolt’s-head

And, on a turn, convey, i’the stead, another

With sublimed mercury, that shall burst i’the heat

And fly out all in fumo? Then weeps Mammon; 45

Then swoons His Worship. [Face slips out.]

Or he is the Faustus

That casteth figures and can conjure, cures

Plague, piles, and pox by the ephemerides,

And holds intelligence with all the bawds

And midwives of three shires? While you send in — 50

Captain? What, is he gone? — damsels with child,

Wives that are barren, or the waiting-maid

With the green-sickness? Nay, sir, you must tarry

Though he be scaped, and answer by the ears, sir.

4.7 [Enter] FACE [and] KASTRIL.

FACE

Why, now’s the time, if ever you will quarrel

Well (as they say) and be a true-born child.

The Doctor and your sister both are abused.

KASTRIL

Where is he? Which is he? He is a slave

Whate’er he is, and the son of a whore. [To Surly] Are you 5

The man, sir, I would know?

SURLY

I should be loath, sir,

To confess so much.

KASTRIL

Then you lie i’your throat.

SURLY

How?

FACE

A very arrant rogue, sir, and a cheater,

Employed here by another conjurer

That does not love the Doctor and would cross him 10

If he knew how —

SURLY

[To Kastril] Sir, you are abused.

KASTRIL

You lie,

And ’tis no matter.

FACE

Well said, sir. He is

The impudent’st rascal —

SURLY

You are indeed. Will you hear me, sir?

FACE

By no means. Bid him be gone.

KASTRIL

Be gone, sir, quickly.

SURLY

This’s strange! Lady, do you inform your brother. 15

FACE

There is not such a foist in all the town.

The Doctor had him presently, and finds yet

The Spanish Count will come here. [Aside] Bear up, Subtle.

SUBTLE

Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour.

FACE

And yet this rogue would come in a disguise, 20

By the temptation of another spirit,

To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it.

KASTRIL

Ay,

I know. —

[Dame Pliant whispers in his ear.]

Away! You talk like a foolish mauther.

[Exit Dame Pliant.]

SURLY

Sir, all is truth she says.

FACE

Do not believe him, sir.

He is the lying’st swabber! Come your ways, sir. 25

SURLY

You are valiant out of company.

KASTRIL

Yes, how then, sir?

[Enter] DRUGGER [with a piece of damask].

FACE

Nay, here’s an honest fellow too that knows him

And all his tricks. [Aside to Drugger] Make good what I say, Abel.

This cheater would ha’ cozened thee o’the widow. —

He owes this honest Drugger, here, seven pound 30

He has had on him in two-penny’orths of tobacco.

DRUGGER

Yes sir, and he’s damned himself three terms to pay me.

FACE

And what does he owe for lotium?

DRUGGER

Thirty shillings, sir,

And for six syringes.

SURLY

Hydra of villainy!

FACE

Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o’the house.

KASTRIL

I will. 35

Sir, if you get not out o’doors, you lie,

And you are a pimp.

SURLY

Why, this is madness, sir,

Not valour in you. I must laugh at this.

KASTRIL

It is my humour. You are a pimp, and a trig,

And an Amadis de Gaul, or a Don Quixote. 40

DRUGGER

Or a knight o’the Curious Coxcomb. Do you see?

[Enter] ANANIAS.

ANANIAS

Peace to the household!

KASTRIL

I’ll keep peace for no man.

ANANIAS

Casting of dollars is concluded lawful.

KASTRIL

Is he the constable?

SUBTLE

Peace, Ananias.

FACE

[To Kastril] No, sir.

KASTRIL

Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit, 45

A very tim.

SURLY

You’ll hear me, sir?

KASTRIL

I will not.

ANANIAS

What is the motive?

SUBTLE

Zeal in the young gentleman

Against his Spanish slops —

ANANIAS

They are profane,

Lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous breeches.

SURLY

New rascals!

KASTRIL

Will you be gone, sir?

ANANIAS

Avoid, Satan! 50

Thou art not of the light. That ruff of pride

About thy neck betrays thee, and is the same

With that which the unclean birds in seventy-seven

Were seen to prank it with on divers coasts.

Thou look’st like Antichrist in that lewd hat. 55

SURLY

I must give way.

KASTRIL

Be gone, sir.

SURLY

But I’ll take

A course with you —

ANANIAS

Depart, proud Spanish fiend!

SURLY

Captain and Doctor —

ANANIAS

Child of perdition!

KASTRIL

Hence, sir. [Exit Surly.]

Did I not quarrel bravely?

FACE

Yes, indeed, sir.

KASTRIL

Nay, an I give my mind to’t, I shall do’t. 60

FACE

Oh, you must follow, sir, and threaten him tame.

He’ll turn again else.

KASTRIL

I’ll re-turn him, then. [Exit.]

[ Subtle takes Ananias aside.]

FACE

Drugger, this rogue prevented us for thee.

We had determined that thou shouldst ha’ come

In a Spanish suit and ha’ carried her so, and he, 65

A brokerly slave, goes, puts it on himself.

Hast brought the damask?

DRUGGER

Yes sir.

FACE

Thou must borrow

A Spanish suit. Hast thou no credit with the players?

DRUGGER

Yes, sir, did you never see me play the fool?

FACE

I know not, Nab. [Aside] Thou shalt, if I can help it. — 70

Hieronimo’s old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve.

I’ll tell thee more when thou bring’st ’em. [Exit Drugger.]

Subtle hath whispered with him [Ananias] this while.

ANANIAS

Sir, I know

The Spaniard hates the brethren, and hath spies

Upon their actions, and that this was one

I make no scruple. But the holy Synod 75

Have been in prayer and meditation for it,

And ’tis revealed no less to them than me

That casting of money is most lawful.

SUBTLE

True.

But here I cannot do it: if the house

Should chance to be suspected, all would out, 80

And we be locked up in the Tower for ever,

To make gold there, for th’ state, never come out,

And then are you defeated.

ANANIAS

I will tell

This to the elders and the weaker brethren,

That the whole company of the separation 85

May join in humble prayer again.

SUBTLE

And fasting.

ANANIAS

Yea, for some fitter place. The peace of mind

Rest with these walls!

SUBTLE

Thanks, courteous Ananias. [Exit Ananias.]

FACE

What did he come for?

SUBTLE

About casting dollars,

Presently, out of hand. And so I told him 90

A Spanish minister came here to spy

Against the faithful —

FACE

I conceive. Come, Subtle,

Thou art so down upon the least disaster!

How wouldst thou ha’ done, if I had not helped thee out?

SUBTLE

I thank thee, Face, for the angry boy, i’faith. 95

FACE

Who would ha’ looked it should ha’ been that rascal?

Surly? He had dyed his beard and all. Well, sir,

Here’s damask come to make you a suit.

[He displays Drugger’s damask.]

SUBTLE

Where’s Drugger?

FACE

He is gone to borrow me a Spanish habit.

I’ll be the count now.

SUBTLE

But where’s the widow? 100

FACE

Within, with my lord’s sister. Madam Doll

Is entertaining her.

SUBTLE

By your favour, Face,

Now she is honest, I will stand again.

FACE

You will not offer it!

SUBTLE

Why?

FACE

Stand to your word,

Or — Here comes Doll. — She knows —

SUBTLE

You’re tyrannous still. 105

FACE

Strict for my right.

[Enter] DOLL.

How now, Doll? Hast told her

The Spanish Count will come?

DOLL

Yes, but another is come

You little looked for!

FACE

Who’s that?

DOLL

Your master.

The master of the house.

SUBTLE

How, Doll!

FACE

She lies.

This is some trick. Come, leave your quiblins, Dorothy. 110

DOLL

Look out and see.

[Face looks out.]

SUBTLE

Art thou in earnest?

DOLL

’Slight,

Forty o’the neighbours are about him, talking.

FACE

’Tis he, by this good day.

DOLL

’Twill prove ill day

For some on us.

FACE

We are undone and taken.

DOLL

Lost, I’m afraid.

SUBTLE

You said he would not come 115

While there died one a week within the liberties.

FACE

No, ’twas within the walls.

SUBTLE

Was’t so? Cry you mercy,

I thought the liberties. What shall we do now, Face?

FACE

Be silent: not a word, if he call or knock.

I’ll into mine old shape again, and meet him, 120

Of Jeremy the butler. I’the meantime,

Do you two pack up all the goods and purchase

That we can carry i’the two trunks. I’ll keep him

Off for today, if I cannot longer, and then

At night I’ll ship you both away to Ratcliffe, 125

Where we’ll meet tomorrow, and there we’ll share.

Let Mammon’s brass and pewter keep the cellar;

We’ll have another time for that. But, Doll,

Pray thee, go heat a little water quickly.

Subtle must shave me. All my Captain’s beard 130

Must off to make me appear smooth Jeremy.

You’ll do’t?

SUBTLE

Yes, I’ll shave you as well as I can.

FACE

And not cut my throat, but trim me?

SUBTLE

You shall see, sir. [Exeunt.]

5.1 [ Enter ] LOVEWIT [and] NEIGHBOURS.

LOVEWIT

Has there been such resort, say you?

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

Daily, sir.

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

And nightly, too.

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

Ay, some as brave as lords.

FOURTH NEIGHBOUR

Ladies and gentlewomen.

FIFTH NEIGHBOUR

Citizens’ wives.

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

And knights.

SIXTH NEIGHBOUR

In coaches.

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

Yes, and oyster-women.

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

Beside other gallants.

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

Sailors’ wives.

FOURTH NEIGHBOUR

Tobacco-men. 5

FIFTH NEIGHBOUR

Another Pimlico!

LOVEWIT

What should my knave advance

To draw this company? He hung out no banners

Of a strange calf with five legs to be seen?

Or a huge lobster with six claws?

SIXTH NEIGHBOUR

No, sir.

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

We had gone in then, sir.

LOVEWIT

He has no gift 10

Of teaching i’the nose that e’er I knew of!

You saw no bills set up that promised cure

Of agues or the toothache?

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

No such thing, sir.

LOVEWIT

Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets?

FIFTH NEIGHBOUR

Neither, sir.

LOVEWIT

What device should he bring forth now? 15

I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment.

Pray God he ha’ not kept such open house

That he hath sold my hangings and my bedding.

I left him nothing else. If he have eat ’em,

A plague o’the moth, say I. Sure he has got 20

Some bawdy pictures to call all this ging:

The Friar and the Nun; or the new motion

Of the knight’s courser covering the parson’s mare;

The boy of six-year-old with the great thing;

Or’t may be he has the fleas that run at tilt 25

Upon a table, or some dog to dance?

When saw you him?

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

Who, sir? Jeremy?

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

Jeremy butler?

We saw him not this month.

LOVEWIT

How!

FOURTH NEIGHBOUR

Not these five weeks, sir.

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

These six weeks, at the least.

LOVEWIT

You amaze me, neighbours!

FIFTH NEIGHBOUR

Sure, if Your Worship know not where he is, 30

He’s slipped away.

SIXTH NEIGHBOUR

Pray God he be not made away!

LOVEWIT

Ha? It’s no time to question, then.

He knocks.

SIXTH NEIGHBOUR

About

Some three weeks since, I heard a doleful cry,

As I sat up a-mending my wife’s stockings.

LOVEWIT

This’s strange, that none will answer! Didst thou hear 35

A cry, say’st thou?

SIXTH NEIGHBOUR

Yes, sir, like unto a man

That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

I heard it too, just this day three weeks, at two o’clock

Next morning.

LOVEWIT

These be miracles, or you make ’em so!

A man an hour strangled and could not speak, 40

And both you heard him cry?

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

Yes, downward, sir.

LOVEWIT

Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee.

What trade art thou on?

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

A smith, an’t please Your Worship.

LOVEWIT

A smith? Then lend me thy help to get this door open.

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

That I will presently, sir, but fetch my tools— 45 [Exit.]

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

Sir, best to knock again afore you break it.

5.2

LOVEWIT

I will.

[He knocks again. As Jeremy the butler,] FACE [opens the door.]

FACE

What mean you, sir?

FIRST, SECOND, and FOURTH NEIGHBOURS

Oh, here’s Jeremy!

FACE

Good sir, come from the door.

LOVEWIT

Why? What’s the matter?

FACE

Yet farther. You are too near yet.

LOVEWIT

I’the name of wonder!

What means the fellow?

FACE

The house, sir, has been visited.

LOVEWIT

What? With the plague? Stand thou then farther.

FACE

No, sir, 5

I had it not.

LOVEWIT

Who had it then? I left

None else but thee i’the house.

FACE

Yes, sir. My fellow,

The cat that kept the butt’ry, had it on her

A week before I spied it. But I got her

Conveyed away i’the night. And so I shut 10

The house up for a month—

LOVEWIT

How!

FACE

Purposing then, sir,

T’have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar,

And ha’ made it sweet, that you should ne’er ha’ known it,

Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.

LOVEWIT

Breathe less, and farther off. Why, this is stranger! 15

The neighbours tell me all here that the doors

Have still been open—

FACE

How, sir!

LOVEWIT

Gallants, men, and women

And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here

In threaves these ten weeks, as to a second Hoxton

In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright!

FACE

Sir, 20

Their wisdoms will not say so.

LOVEWIT

Today they speak

Of coaches and gallants. One in a French hood

Went in, they tell me; and another was seen

In a velvet gown at the window. Divers more

Pass in and out.

FACE

They did pass through the doors, then, 25

Or walls, I assure their eyesights and their spectacles,

For here, sir, are the keys; and here have been

In this my pocket now above twenty days.

And for before, I kept the fort alone there.

But that ’tis yet not deep i’the afternoon, 30

I should believe my neighbours had seen double

Through the black pot and made these apparitions.

For, on my faith to Your Worship, for these three weeks

And upwards, the door has not been opened.

LOVEWIT

Strange.

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

Good faith, I think I saw a coach.

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

And I too, 35

I’d ha’ been sworn.

LOVEWIT

Do you but think it now?

And but one coach?

FOURTH NEIGHBOUR

We cannot tell, sir. Jeremy

Is a very honest fellow.

FACE

Did you see me at all?

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

No. That we are sure on.

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

I’ll be sworn o’that.

LOVEWIT

Fine rogues, to have your testimonies built on! 40

[Enter THIRD NEIGHBOUR with his tools.]

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

Is Jeremy come?

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

Oh, yes. You may leave your tools.

We were deceived, he says.

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

He’s had the keys,

And the door has been shut these three weeks.

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

Like enough.

LOVEWIT

Peace, and get hence, you changelings.

FACE

[Seeing Surly and Mammon] Surly come!

And Mammon made acquainted? They’ll tell all. — 45

How shall I beat them off? What shall I do? —

Nothing’s more wretched than a guilty conscience.

5.3 [Enter] SURLY [and] MAMMON.

SURLY

No, sir, he was a great physician. This,

It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel.

You knew the lord and his sister.

MAMMON

Nay, good Surly —

SURLY

The happy word: ‘Be rich’ —

MAMMON

Play not the tyrant —

SURLY

Should be today pronounced to all your friends. 5

And where be your andirons now? And your brass pots,

That should ha’ been golden flagons and great wedges?

MAMMON

Let me but breathe. What! They ha’ shut their doors,

Methinks!

SURLY

Ay, now ’tis holiday with them.

Mammon and Surly knock.

MAMMON

Rogues,

Cozeners, imposters, bawds!

FACE

What mean you, sir? 10

MAMMON

To enter if we can.

FACE

Another man’s house?

Here is the owner, sir. Turn you to him

And speak your business.

MAMMON

[To Lovewit] Are you, sir, the owner?

LOVEWIT

Yes, sir.

MAMMON

And are those knaves, within, your cheaters?

LOVEWIT

What knaves? What cheaters?

MAMMON

Subtle and his Lungs. 15

FACE

The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs

Nor lights ha’ been seen here these three weeks, sir,

Within these doors, upon my word.

SURLY

Your word,

Groom arrogant?

FACE

Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper,

And know the keys ha’ not been out o’my hands. 20

SURLY

This’s a new Face!

FACE

You do mistake the house, sir!

What sign was’t at?

SURLY

You rascal! — This is one

O’the confederacy. Come, let’s get officers

And force the door.

LOVEWIT

Pray you stay, gentlemen.

SURLY

No, sir, we’ll come with warrant.

MAMMON

Ay, and then 25

We shall ha’ your doors open. [Exeunt Mammon and Surly.]

LOVEWIT

[To Face] What means this?

FACE

I cannot tell, sir.

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

These are two o’the gallants

That we do think we saw.

FACE

Two o’the fools!

You talk as idly as they. — Good faith, sir,

I think the moon has crazed ’em all.

[Enter] KASTRIL.

[Aside] Oh, me! 30

The angry boy come too? He’ll make a noise,

And ne’er away till he have betrayed us all.

Kastril knocks.

KASTRIL

What, rogues, bawds, slaves, you’ll open the door anon!

Punk, cockatrice, my suster! By this light,

I’ll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore 35

To keep your castle —

FACE

Who would you speak with, sir?

KASTRIL

The bawdy Doctor and the cozening Captain,

And Puss my suster.

LOVEWIT

This is something, sure!

FACE

Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.

KASTRIL

I have heard all their tricks told me twice over 40

By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.

LOVEWIT

Here comes another.

[ Enter] ANANIAS [and] TRIBULATION.

FACE

[Aside] Ananias too?

And his pastor?

They beat too at the door.

TRIBULATION

The doors are shut against us.

ANANIAS

Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!

Your stench, it is broke forth. Abomination 45

Is in the house.

KASTRIL

Ay, my suster’s there.

ANANIAS

The place,

It is become a cage of unclean birds.

KASTRIL

Yes, I will fetch the scavenger and the constable.

TRIBULATION

You shall do well.

ANANIAS

We’ll join to weed them out.

KASTRIL

You will not come then? Punk device, my suster! 50

ANANIAS

Call her not sister. She is a harlot, verily.

KASTRIL

I’ll raise the street.

LOVEWIT

Good gentlemen, a word.

ANANIAS

Satan, avoid, and hinder not our zeal!

[Exeunt Ananias, Tribulation, and Kastril.]

LOVEWIT

The world’s turned Bedlam.

FACE

These are all broke loose

Out of Saint Katherine’s, where they use to keep 55

The better sort of mad-folks.

FIRST NEIGHBOUR

All these persons

We saw go in and out here.

SECOND NEIGHBOUR

Yes indeed, sir.

THIRD NEIGHBOUR

These were the parties.

FACE

Peace, you drunkards. — Sir,

I wonder at it! Please you to give me leave

To touch the door, I’ll try an the lock be changed. 60

LOVEWIT

It mazes me!

FACE

Good faith, sir, I believe

There’s no such thing. ’Tis all deceptio visus.

[Aside] Would I could get him away.

DAPPER

(Cries out Within.) Master Captain, Master Doctor!

LOVEWIT

Who’s that?

FACE

[Aside] Our clerk within, that I forgot! — I know not, sir.

DAPPER

[Within] For God’s sake, when will her Grace be at leisure?

FACE

Ha! 65

Illusions, some spirit o’the air. [Aside] His gag is melted,

And now he sets out the throat.

DAPPER

[Within] I am almost stifled —

FACE

[Aside] Would you were altogether.

LOVEWIT

’Tis i’the house.

Ha! List.

FACE

Believe it, sir, i’the air!

LOVEWIT

Peace, you —

DAPPER

[Within] Mine aunt’s Grace does not use me well.

SUBTLE

[Within] You fool, 70

Peace! You’ll mar all.

FACE

[To Subtle] Or you will else, you rogue.

LOVEWIT

Oh, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!

Come, sir. No more o’your tricks, good Jeremy.

The truth, the shortest way.

FACE

Dismiss this rabble, sir.

[Aside] What shall I do? I am catched.

LOVEWIT

Good neighbours, 75

I thank you all. You may depart. [Exeunt Neighbours.]

Come, sir,

You know that I am an indulgent master,

And therefore conceal nothing. What’s your med’cine

To draw so many several sorts of wild-fowl?

FACE

Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit — 80

But here’s no place to talk on’t i’the street.

Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune

And only pardon me th’abuse of your house:

It’s all I beg. I’ll help you to a widow

In recompense, that you shall gi’ me thanks for, 85

Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one.

’Tis but your putting on a Spanish cloak.

I have her within. You need not fear the house:

It was not visited.

LOVEWIT

But by me, who came

Sooner than you expected.

FACE

It is true, sir. 90

Pray you forgive me.

LOVEWIT

Well. Let’s see your widow. [Exeunt.]

5.4 [ Enter] SUBTLE [and] DAPPER.

SUBTLE

How! Ha’ you eaten your gag?

DAPPER

Yes, faith, it crumbled

Away i’ my mouth.

SUBTLE

You ha’ spoiled all, then.

DAPPER

No,

I hope my aunt of Fairy will forgive me.

SUBTLE

Your aunt’s a gracious lady, but in troth

You were to blame.

DAPPER

The fume did overcome me, 5

And I did do’t to stay my stomach. Pray you

So satisfy Her Grace.

[Enter] FACE [in his uniform.]

Here comes the Captain.

[Face and Subtle talk aside.]

FACE

How now! Is his mouth down?

SUBTLE

Ay. He has spoken.

FACE

[Aside] A pox! I heard him, and you too. – He’s undone, then. –

[Aside] I have been fain to say the house is haunted 10

With spirits to keep churl back.

SUBTLE

And hast thou done it?

FACE

Sure, for this night.

SUBTLE

Why, then triumph, and sing

Of Face so famous, the precious king

Of present wits.

FACE

Did you not hear the coil

About the door?

SUBTLE

Yes, and I dwindled with it. 15

FACE

Show him his aunt, and let him be dispatched.

I’ll send her to you. [Exit.]

SUBTLE

[To Dapper] Well, sir, your aunt Her Grace

Will give you audience presently, on my suit

And the Captain’s word that you did not eat your gag

In any contempt of Her Highness.

DAPPER

Not I, in troth, sir. 20

[ Enter] DOLL like the Queen of Fairy.

SUBTLE

Here she is come. Down o’your knees and wriggle!

She has a stately presence.

[Dapper kneels and inches forward.]

Good. Yet nearer,

And bid ‘God save you!’

DAPPER

Madam —

SUBTLE

And your aunt.

DAPPER

And my most gracious aunt, God save Your Grace.

DOLL

Nephew, we thought to have been angry with you, 25

But that sweet face of yours hath turned the tide

And made it flow with joy, that ebbed of love.

Arise, and touch our velvet gown.

SUBTLE

The skirts,

And kiss ’em.

[Dapper kisses the hems of Doll’s gown.]

So.

DOLL

Let me now stroke that head.

Much, nephew, shalt thou win; much shalt thou spend; 30

Much shalt thou give away; much shalt thou lend.

SUBTLE

(Aside) Ay, much indeed. — Why do you not thank Her Grace?

DAPPER

I cannot speak for joy.

SUBTLE

See, the kind wretch!

You Grace’s kinsman right.

DOLL

Give me the bird.

[Subtle hands her the charm, which Doll gives to Dapper.]

Here is your fly in a purse about your neck, cousin. 35

Wear it, and feed it about this day se’nnight,

On your right wrist —

SUBTLE

Open a vein with a pin

And let it suck but once a week. Till then,

You must not look on’t.

DOLL

No. And, kinsman,

Bear yourself worthy of the blood you come on. 40

SUBTLE

Her Grace would ha’ you eat no more Woolsack pies,

Nor Dagger furmety.

DOLL

Nor break his fast

In Heaven and Hell.

SUBTLE

She’s with you everywhere!

Nor play with costermongers at mumchance, tray-trip,

God-make-you-rich (whenas your aunt has done it), but keep 45

The gallant’st company and the best games —

DAPPER

Yes, sir.

SUBTLE

Gleek and primero. And what you get, be true to us.

DAPPER

By this hand, I will.

SUBTLE

You may bring ’s a thousand pound

Before tomorrow night (if but three thousand

Be stirring), an you will.

DAPPER

I swear I will, then. 50

SUBTLE

Your fly will learn you all games.

FACE

[Within] Ha’ you done there?

SUBTLE

Your Grace will command him no more duties?

DOLL

No.

But come and see me often. I may chance

To leave him three or four hundred chests of treasure

And some twelve thousand acres of Fairyland, 55

If he game well and comely with good gamesters.

SUBTLE

There’s a kind aunt! Kiss her departing part.

But you must sell your forty mark a year now.

DAPPER

Ay, sir, I mean.

SUBTLE

Or gi ’t away. Pox on it!

DAPPER

I’ll gi ’t mine aunt. I’ll go and fetch the writings. 60

SUBTLE

’Tis well. Away! [Exit Dapper.]

[Enter FACE.]

FACE

Where’s Subtle?

SUBTLE

Here. What news?

FACE

Drugger is at the door. Go take his suit,

And bid him fetch a parson presently.

Say he shall marry the widow. Thou shalt spend

A hundred pound by the service! [Exit Subtle.]

Now, Queen Doll, 65

Ha’ you packed up all?

DOLL

Yes.

FACE

And how do you like

The Lady Pliant?

DOLL

A good dull innocent.

[Enter SUBTLE, with garments.]

SUBTLE

Here’s your Hieronimo’s cloak and hat.

FACE

[Taking the garments] Give me ’em.

SUBTLE

And the ruff too?

FACE

[Taking the ruff] Yes. I’ll come to you presently. [Exit.]

SUBTLE

Now he is gone about his project, Doll, 70

I told you of, for the widow.

DOLL

’Tis direct

Against our articles.

SUBTLE

Well, we’ll fit him, wench.

Hast thou gulled her of her jewels or her bracelets?

DOLL

No, but I will do’t.

SUBTLE

Soon at night, my Dolly,

When we are shipped and all our goods aboard 75

Eastward for Ratcliffe, we will turn our course

To Brentford, westward, if thou say’st the word,

And take our leaves of this o’erweening rascal,

This peremptory Face.

DOLL

Content. I’m weary of him.

SUBTLE

Thou’st cause, when the slave will run a-wiving, Doll, 80

Against the instrument that was drawn between us.

DOLL

I’ll pluck his bird as bare as I can.

SUBTLE

Yes, tell her

She must by any means address some present

To th’ cunning-man, make him amends for wronging

His art with her suspicion, send a ring, 85

Or chain of pearl. She will be tortured else

Extremely in her sleep, say, and ha’ strange things

Come to her. Wilt thou?

DOLL

Yes.

SUBTLE

My fine flittermouse,

My bird o’the night, we’ll tickle it at the Pigeons,

When we have all, and may unlock the trunks 90

And say, ‘This’s mine, and thine, and thine, and mine’ —

They kiss.

[ Enter FACE. ]

FACE

What now, a-billing?

SUBTLE

Yes, a little exalted

In the good passage of our stock affairs.

FACE

Drugger has brought his parson. Take him in, Subtle,

And send Nab back again to wash his face. 95

SUBTLE

I will; and shave himself?

FACE

If you can get him. [Exit Subtle.]

DOLL

You are hot upon it, Face, whate’er it is!

FACE

A trick that Doll shall spend ten pound a month by.

[Enter SUBTLE.]

Is he gone?

SUBTLE

The chaplain waits you i’the hall, sir.

FACE

I’ll go bestow him. [Exit.]

DOLL

He’ll now marry her instantly. 100

SUBTLE

He cannot yet; he is not ready. Dear Doll,

Cozen her of all thou canst. To deceive him

Is no deceit, but justice, that would break

Such an inextricable tie as ours was.

DOLL

Let me alone to fit him.

[Enter FACE.]

FACE

Come, my venturers, 105

You ha’ packed up all? Where be the trunks? Bring forth.

[Subtle drags in the trunks.]

SUBTLE

Here.

FACE

Let’s see ’em. Where’s the money?

SUBTLE

[Opening A Trunk] Here,

In this.

FACE

[Doing an inventory] Mammon’s ten pound; eight-score before;

The brethren’s money, this; Drugger’s, and Dapper’s.

What paper’s that?

DOLL

The jewel of the waiting-maid’s, 110

That stole it from her lady to know certain —

FACE

If she should have precedence of her mistress?

DOLL

Yes.

FACE

What box is that?

SUBTLE

The fishwife’s rings, I think,

And th’alewife’s single money. Is’t not, Doll?

DOLL

Yes, and the whistle that the sailor’s wife 115

Brought you, to know an her husband were with Ward.

FACE

We’ll wet it tomorrow, and our silver beakers

And tavern cups. Where be the French petticoats

And girdles and hangers?

SUBTLE

Here, i’the trunk,

And the bolts of lawn.

FACE

Is Drugger’s damask there? 120

And the tobacco?

SUBTLE

Yes.

FACE

Give me the keys.

DOLL

Why you the keys?

SUBTLE

No matter, Doll, because

We shall not open ’em before he comes.

FACE

’Tis true, you shall not open them indeed,

Nor have ’em forth. Do you see? Not forth, Doll.

DOLL

No? 125

FACE

No, my smock-rampant. The right is, my master

Knows all, has pardoned me, and he will keep ’em.

Doctor, ’tis true – you look – for all your figures.

I sent for him, indeed. Wherefore, good partners,

Both he and she, be satisfied. For here 130

Determines the indenture tripartite

’Twixt Subtle, Doll, and Face. All I can do

Is to help you over the wall o’the back side,

Or lend you a sheet to save your velvet gown, Doll.

Here will be officers presently. Bethink you 135

Of some course suddenly to scape the dock,

For thither you’ll come else.

Some knock.

Hark you, thunder!

SUBTLE

You are a precious fiend!

AN OFFICER

[Within] Open the door.

FACE

Doll, I am sorry for thee, i’faith. But hear’st thou?

It shall go hard but I will place thee somewhere. 140

Thou shalt ha’ my letter to Mistress Amo.

DOLL

Hang you —

FACE

Or Madam Caesarean.

DOLL

Pox upon you, rogue!

Would I had but time to beat thee!

FACE

Subtle,

Let’s know where you set up next. I’ll send you

A customer now and then, for old acquaintance. 145

What new course ha’ you?

SUBTLE

Rogue, I’ll hang myself,

That I may walk a greater devil than thou,

And haunt thee i’the flock-bed and the buttery. [Exeunt.]

5.5 [Enter] LOVEWIT [in the Spanish costume, followed by the PARSON. More knocking is heard at the door].

LOVEWIT

What do you mean, my masters?

MAMMON

[Without] Open your door!

Cheaters, bawds, conjurers!

AN OFFICER

[Without] Or we’ll break it open.

LOVEWIT

What warrant have you?

AN OFFICER

[Without] Warrant enough, sir, doubt not,

If you’ll not open it.

LOVEWIT

Is there an officer there?

AN OFFICER

[Without] Yes, two or three for failing.

LOVEWIT

Have but patience, 5

And I will open it straight.

[Enter] FACE [as Jeremy].

FACE

Sir, ha’ you done?

Is it a marriage? Perfect?

LOVEWIT

Yes, my brain.

FACE

Off with your ruff and cloak then. Be yourself, sir.

[Lovewit removes his costume.]

SURLY

[Without] Down with the door!

KASTRIL

[Without] ’Slight, ding it open!

LOVEWIT

[Opening the door] Hold.

Hold, gentlemen, what means this violence? 10

[Enter] MAMMON, SURLY, KASTRIL, ANANIAS, TRIBULATION, [and] OFFICERS.

MAMMON

Where is this collier?

SURLY

And my Captain Face?

MAMMON

These day-owls.

SURLY

That are birding in men’s purses.

MAMMON

Madam Suppository.

KASTRIL

Doxy, my suster.

ANANIAS

Locusts

Of the foul pit.

TRIBULATION

Profane as Bel and the dragon.

ANANIAS

Worse than the grasshoppers or the lice of Egypt. 15

LOVEWIT

Good gentlemen, hear me. Are you officers,

And cannot stay this violence?

OFFICER

Keep the peace!

LOVEWIT

Gentlemen, what is the matter? Whom do you seek?

MAMMON

The chemical cozener.

SURLY

And the Captain Pander.

KASTRIL

The nun my suster.

MAMMON

Madam Rabbi.

ANANIAS

Scorpions 20

And caterpillars.

LOVEWIT

Fewer at once, I pray you.

OFFICER

One after another, gentlemen, I charge you,

By virtue of my staff —

ANANIAS

They are the vessels

Of pride, lust, and the cart.

LOVEWIT

Good zeal, lie still

A little while.

TRIBULATION

Peace, Deacon Ananias. 25

LOVEWIT

The house is mine here, and the doors are open.

If there be any such persons as you seek for,

Use your authority, search on o’God’s name.

I am but newly come to town, and finding

This tumult ’bout my door, to tell you true, 30

It somewhat mazed me, till my man here, fearing

My more displeasure, told me he had done

Somewhat an insolent part, let out my house

(Belike, presuming on my known aversion

From any air o’the town while there was sickness) 35

To a doctor and a captain, who, what they are,

Or where they be, he knows not.

MAMMON

Are they gone?

LOVEWIT

You may go in and search, sir.

They [Mammon, Ananias, Tribulation, and Officers] enter.

Here I find

The empty walls, worse than I left ’em, smoked,

A few cracked pots and glasses, and a furnace, 40

The ceiling filled with poesies of the candle,

And madam with a dildo writ o’the walls.

Only one gentlewoman I met here,

That is within, that she said she was a widow —

KASTRIL

Ay, that’s my suster. I’ll go thump her. Where is she? [He goes in.] 45

LOVEWIT

And should ha’ married a Spanish count, but he,

When he came to’t, neglected her so grossly

That I, a widower, am gone through with her.

SURLY

How! Have I lost her, then?

LOVEWIT

Were you the Don, sir?

Good faith, now, she does blame y’extremely, and says 50

You swore and told her you had ta’en the pains

To dye your beard and umber o’er your face,

Borrowed a suit and ruff, all for her love,

And then did nothing. What an oversight

And want of putting forward, sir, was this! 55

Well fare an old harquebusier yet

Could prime his powder and give fire and hit,

All in a twinkling.

MAMMON comes forth.

MAMMON

The whole nest are fled!

LOVEWIT

What sort of birds were they?

MAMMON

A kind of choughs,

Or thievish daws, sir, that have picked my purse 60

Of eight-score and ten pounds within these five weeks,

Beside my first materials, and my goods

That lie i’the cellar, which I am glad they ha’ left.

I may have home yet.

LOVEWIT

Think you so, sir?

MAMMON

Ay.

LOVEWIT

By order of law, sir, but not otherwise. 65

MAMMON

Not mine own stuff?

LOVEWIT

Sir, I can take no knowledge

That they are yours but by public means.

If you can bring certificate that you were gulled of ’em,

Or any formal writ out of a court

That you did cozen yourself, I will not hold them. 70

MAMMON

I’ll rather lose ’em.

LOVEWIT

That you shall not, sir,

By me, in troth. Upon these terms they’re yours.

What should they ha’ been, sir? Turned into gold all?

MAMMON

No.

I cannot tell. It may be they should. What then?

LOVEWIT

What a great loss in hope have you sustained! 75

MAMMON

Not I. The commonwealth has.

FACE

Ay, he would ha’ built

The city new, and made a ditch about it

Of silver, should have run with cream from Hoxton,

That every Sunday in Moorfields the younkers

And tits and tomboys should have fed on, gratis. 80

MAMMON

I will go mount a turnip-cart and preach

The end o’the world within these two months. Surly,

What! In a dream?

SURLY

Must I needs cheat myself

With that same foolish vice of honesty!

Come, let us go, and harken out the rogues. 85

That Face I’ll mark for mine, if e’er I meet him.

FACE

If I can hear of him, sir, I’ll bring you word

Unto your lodging; for in troth, they were strangers

To me. I thought ’em honest as myself, sir.

[ Exeunt Mammon and Surly.]

They [TRIBULATION, ANANIAS, and the OFFICERS] come forth.

TRIBULATION

’Tis well the saints shall not lose all yet. Go 90

And get some carts —

LOVEWIT

For what, my zealous friends?

ANANIAS

To bear away the portion of the righteous

Out of this den of thieves.

LOVEWIT

What is that portion?

ANANIAS

The goods, sometimes the orphans’, that the brethren

Bought with their silver pence.

LOVEWIT

What, those i’the cellar 95

The knight Sir Mammon claims?

ANANIAS

I do defy

The wicked Mammon. So do all the brethren,

Thou profane man. I ask thee with what conscience

Thou canst advance that idol against us,

That have the seal? Were not the shillings numbered 100

That made the pounds? Were not the pounds told out

Upon the second day of the fourth week

In the eighth month upon the table dormant,

The year of the last patience of the saints,

Six hundred and ten?

LOVEWIT

Mine earnest vehement botcher, 105

And deacon also, I cannot dispute with you;

But if you get you not away the sooner,

I shall confute you with a cudgel.

ANANIAS

Sir?

TRIBULATION

Be patient, Ananias.

ANANIAS

I am strong,

And will stand up, well girt, against an host 110

That threaten Gad in exile.

LOVEWIT

I shall send you

To Amsterdam to your cellar.

ANANIAS

I will pray there

Against thy house. May dogs defile thy walls,

And wasps and hornets breed beneath thy roof,

This seat of falsehood and this cave of cozenage! 115

[ Exeunt Ananias, Tribulation and the Officers. ]

DRUGGER enters.

LOVEWIT

Another too?

And he beats him away.

DRUGGER

Not I, sir, I am no brother.

LOVEWIT

Away, you Harry Nicholas! Do you talk? [Exit Drugger.]

FACE

No, this was Abel Drugger. (To the Parson) Good sir, go

And satisfy him; tell him all is done.

He stayed too long a-washing of his face. 120

The Doctor, he shall hear of him at Westchester,

And of the Captain, tell him, at Yarmouth, or

Some good port-town else, lying for a wind. [Exit Parson.]

If you get off the angry child, now, sir —

[ Enter KASTRIL and ] DAME PLIANT.

KASTRIL

(To his sister) Come on, you ewe, you have matched most sweetly,

ha’ you not? 125

Did not I say I would never ha’ you tupped

But by a dubbed boy, to make you a lady-tom?

’Slight, you are a mammet! Oh, I could touse you now.

Death, mun you marry, with a pox?

LOVEWIT

You lie, boy.

As sound as you, and I am aforehand with you.

KASTRIL

Anon? 130

LOVEWIT

Come, will you quarrel? I will feeze you, sirrah.

Why do you not buckle to your tools?

KASTRIL

God’s light!

This is a fine old boy as e’er I saw!

LOVEWIT

What, do you change your copy now? Proceed.

Here stands my dove. Stoop at her if you dare. 135

KASTRIL

’Slight, I must love him! I cannot choose, i’faith!

An I should be hanged for’t. Suster, I protest

I honour thee for this match.

LOVEWIT

Oh, do you so, sir?

KASTRIL

Yes, and thou canst take tobacco and drink, old boy,

I’ll give her five hundred pound more to her marriage 140

Than her own state.

LOVEWIT [To Face]

Fill a pipe-full, Jeremy.

FACE

Yes, but go in and take it, sir.

LOVEWIT

We will.

I will be ruled by thee in anything, Jeremy.

KASTRIL

’Slight, thou art not hide-bound! Thou art a jovy boy!

Come, let’s in, I pray thee, and take our whiffs. 145

LOVEWIT

Whiff in with your sister, brother boy.

[Exeunt Kastril and Dame Pliant.]

That master

That had received such happiness by a servant,

In such a widow and with so much wealth,

Were very ungrateful if he would not be

A little indulgent to that servant’s wit, 150

And help his fortune, though with some small strain

Of his own candour. [Addressing the audience] Therefore, gentlemen

And kind spectators, if I have outstripped

An old man’s gravity or strict canon, think

What a young wife and a good brain may do: 155

Stretch age’s truth sometimes, and crack it too.

[To Face] Speak for thyself, knave.

FACE

So I will, sir.

[Addressing the audience] Gentlemen,

My part a little fell in this last scene,

Yet ’twas decorum. And though I am clean

Got off from Subtle, Surly, Mammon, Doll, 160

Hot Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, all

With whom I traded, yet I put myself

On you, that are my country, and this pelf,

Which I have got, if you do quit me, rests

To feast you often, and invite new guests. 165 [Exeunt.]

THE END

This comedy was first

acted in the year

1610

By the King’s Majesty’s

Servants.

The principal comedians were:

RICHARD BURBAGE JOHN HEMINGES

JOHN LOWIN WILLIAM OSTLER

HENRY CONDELL JOHN UNDERWOOD

ALEXANDER COOKE NICHOLAS TOOLEY

ROBERT ARMIN WILLIAM ECCLESTONE

With the allowance of the Master of Revels.

The Cambridge Edition of the Works of Ben Jonson

The Alchemist (1610)

Edited by Peter Holland and William Sherman

INTRODUCTION

Date and time

Place and space

Materials for perfection

Theatre and print

TO THE LADY, MOST DESERVING
HER NAME AND BLOOD:
Mary, Lady Wroth

TO THE READER

The Persons of the Play

The Argument

Prologue

THE ALCHEMIST

The Cambridge Edition of the Works of Ben Jonson

The Alchemist (1610)

Edited by Peter Holland and William Sherman

INTRODUCTION

Date and time

Place and space

Materials for perfection

Theatre and print

TO THE LADY, MOST DESERVING HER NAME AND BLOOD:Mary, Lady Wroth

TO THE READER

The Persons of the Play

The Argument

Prologue

THE ALCHEMIST

TO THE LADY, MOST DESERVING
HER NAME AND BLOOD:
Mary, Lady Wroth