The Cambridge Edition of the Works of Ben Jonson

The Comicall Satyre of
EVERY MAN
OVT OF HIS
HVMOR.
AS IT WAS FIRST COMPOSED
by the AUTHOR B. I.
Containing more than hath been Publickely Spo-
ken or Acted.
VVith the seuerall Character of euery Person.
Non aliena meo pressipede \ * si propius stes
Te capient magis \ * & decies repetita placebunt.
LONDON,
Printed for William Holme, and are to be sold at his Shop
at Sarjeants Inne gate in Fleetstreet.
1600.

The Names of the Actors.

Asper,
The Presenter.
Macilente.
 
Pvntarvolo.
 
His Lady.
 
Waiting-Gent.
 
Huntsman.
 
Seruingmen, two.
 
Dog and Cat.
 
Carlo Bvffone.
 
Fastid
Briske.
Cinedo
,his
Page.
 
Deliro
 
Fallace.
 
Fido,
their Seruant.
 
Musicians.
 
Saviolina
 
Sordido.
His Hine.
Fvngoso.
 
Taylor.
 
Haberdasher.
 
Shomaker.
 
SOGLIARDO.
 
SHIFT.
 
CLOVE.
 
RVSTICI.
 
A Groome.
 
Drawers.
 
Constable, and
 
Officers.
 
ORANGE.
 
GREX.
 
CORDATVS.
 
MITIS.
 

ASPER his Character.

HE is of an ingenious & free spirit, eager and constant in reproofe,

without feare controuling the worlds abuses; One whome no

hope of Gaine, or frostie apprehension of Daunger, can make to be a

Parasite , either to Time, Place, or Opinion.

MACILENTE.

A Man well parted, a sufficient Scholler, and trauail'd; who (wanting

that place in the worlds account, which he thinkes his merit capable of)

fals into such an enuious Apoplexie, with which his iudegment is so da-

zeled and distasted, that he growes voilently impatient of any opposite hap-

pinesse another.

PUNTARVOLO.

A Vaine-glorious Knight, ouer-Englishing his trauels, and wholly conse-

crated to Singularitie; the very Iacobs staffe of Complement: a

Sir that hath liu'd to see the revolution of Time in most of his appa-

rell. Of presence good ynough, but so palpably affected to his owne praise,

that (for want of flatterers) he commends himselfe to the floutage of his own

Familie. He deales vpon returns, and strange performances, resoluing (in de-

spight of publike derision) to sticke to his own particular fashion, phrase,

and gesture.

CARLO BUFFONE.

A Publick-scurrulous, and prophane Iester; that (more swift than Circe)

with absurd Simile's wil transforme any person into Deformitie. A

good Feast-hound or Banket-beagell, that wil sent you out a supper some

three mile off, and sweare to his Patrons (God dam me) he came in Ours

when be was but wafted ouer in a Sculler. A slaue that bath an extraor-

dinarie gift in pleasing his Pallat, and will swill vp more Sacke at a sitting,

than would make all the Guard a Posset. His Religion is railing, and

his discourse Ribaldrie. They stand highest in his respect, whome he studies

most to reproch.

PASTIDIUS BRISKE.

A Neat, spruce, affecting Courtier, one that weares clothes well, and in

Fashion; practiseth by his glasse how to salute; speakes good Rem-

nants (not withstanding the Base-violl and Tabacco:) sweares tersely,

and with varietie, cares not what Ladies fauor he belies, or great mans fa-

miliaritie: a good property to perfume the boot of a Coach. Hee will borrow

another mans Horse to praise, and backs him as his own. Or for a need on foot

can post himselfe into credite with his Merchant, onely with the Gingle of his

Spurre, and the Ierke of his Wand.

DELIRO.

A Good doting Citizen, who (it is thought) might be of the Common Coun-

sell for his wealth: a fellow sincerely besotted on his own wife, and so

rapt with a conceit of her perfections, that hee simply holds himselfe vnwor-

thie of her. And in that Hood-winkt humour, liues more like a Suter than a

husband; standing in as true dread of her displeasure, as when hee first made

loue to her. He doth sacrifice twopence in Iuniper to her euery morning be-

fore she rises, & wakes her with villanous-out-of-tune Musick, which

shee out of her contempt (though not out of hir iudgment) is sure to dislike.

FALLACE.

DEliro's Wife and Idoll, a proud mincing Peat, and as peruerse as hee is

officious, shee dotes as perfectly vpon the Courtier, as her husband doth

on her, and onely wants the Face to be dishonest.

SAVIOLINA.

A Court Lady, whose weightiest praise is a light wit, admir'd by her selfe

and one more, her seruant Briske

SORDIDO.

A Wretched Hobnail'd Chuffe, whose recreation, is reading ofAlma-

nacks; and felicitie, foule weather. One that neuer pray'd, but for

a leane Dearth, and euer wept in a fat Haruest.

FUNGOSO.

THe Son of Sordido, and a student: one that has revel'd in his time,

and followes the Fashion a farre off like a Spie. He makes it the whole

bent of his endeuours to wring sufficient meanes from his wretched father,

to put him in the Courtiers Cut : at which be earnestly aims, but so vnlucki-

ly, that he still lights short a Sute.

SOGLIARDO.

AN essentiall clowne, brother to Sordido, yet so enamour'd of the name

of a Gentleman, that he will haue it though he buyes it. Hee comes vp

euery Tearm to learn to take Tabacco & see new Motions. He is in his

Kingdome when hee can get himselfe into companie, where he may bee well

laught at.

SHIFT.

A Thredbare Sharke. One that neuer was Soldior, yet liues vponlen-

dings. His profession is skeldring and odling, his Banke Poules,

and his Ware-house Pict-hatch. Takes vp single Testons vpon Oths till

dooms day. Fals under Executions of three shillings, enters into fiue groat

Bonds. He way-layes the reports of seruices, and cons them without booke,

damning himselfe he came new from them, when all the while he was ta-

king the diet in a bawdie house, or lay pawn'd in his chamber for rent and

victuals. Hee is of that admirable and happie Memorie, that hee will sa-

lute one for an old acquaintance, that hee neuer saw in his life before. Hee

vsurps vpon Cheats, Quarrels, & Robberries, which hee neuer did, only to get

him a name. His cheef exercises are taking the VViffe, squiring aCoca-

trice, and making priuie searches for Imparters.

CLOVE and ORENGE.

AN inseperable Case of Coxcombs, citie-born: The Gemini or Twins of

foppery: that like a paire of woodden Foyles, are fit for nothing, but to be

practis'd vpon. Being well flatter'd, they'le lend money, and repent when

>they ha' done. Their glorie is to feast Players, and make suppers. And in com-

panie of better ranke (to auoid the suspect of insufficiencie) will enforce their

Ignorance most desperatly, to set vpon the vnderstanding of any thing.O-

rengeis the more humorous of the two (whose small portion of iuice being

squeez'd out) Cloue serues to sticke him with commendations.

CORDATUS.

THe Authors friend; A man inly acquainted with the Scope & Drift

of his Plot : Of a discreet and vnderstanding Iudgement; and has the

place of a Moderator.

MITIS.

IS a person of no Action, and therefore we haue REASON to af-

fourd him no Character.


IT was not neere his thoughts that hath pub-

lished this, either to traduce the Authour; or to

make vulgar and cheape, any the perculiar and

sufficient deserts of the Actors: but rather (where-

as many, Censures flutter'd about it) to giue all

leaue, and leisure, to iudge with Distinction.

Euery man out of his Humor.

Inductio, sono secundo.
GREX.

Asper, Cordatus, Mitis.

Cord.

NAy my deere Asper,

Mit.

Stay your mind,

Asp.

Away.

VVho is so patient of this impious world,

That he can checke his spirit, or reine his tongue?

Or who hath such a dead vnfeeling sence,

That heauens horride thunders cannot wake?

To see the earth, crackt with the weight of sinne,

Hell gaping vnder vs, and o're our heads

Blacke rau'nous Ruine with her saile-stretcht wings,

Readie to sinke vs downe and couer vs.

VVho can behold such prodigies as these,

And haue his lips seal'd vp? not I: my soule

VVas neuer ground into such oyly colours,

To flatter Vice and daube Iniquitie:

But (with an armed, and resolued hand)

Ile strip the ragged follies of the time

Naked as at their birth:

Cord.

Be not too bold,

Asp.

You trouble me, and with a whip of steele

Print wounding lashes in their yron ribs.

I feare no mood stampt in a private brow,

VVhen I am pleas'd t'vnmaske a publicke vice.

I feare no strumpets drugs, nor ruffians stab,

Should I detect their hatefull luxuries;

No brokers, vsurers, or lawyers gripe,

VVere I dispos'd to say, they're all corrupt.

I feare no courtiers frowne, should I applaud

The easie flexure of his supple hammes:

Tut, these are so innate and popular,

That drunken Custome would not shame to laugh

(In scorne) at him, that should but dare to taxe 'hem:

And yet, not one of these but knowes his VVorkes,

Knowes what Damnation is, the Deuill, and Hell,

Yet howerly they persist, grow ranke in sinne,

Puffing their soules away in perj'rous aire,

To cherish their extortion, pride, or lusts.

Mit.

Forbeare good Asper, be not like your name.

Asp.

O, but to such, whose faces are all zeale,

And (with the words of Hercules) invade

Such crimes as these; that will not smell of sinne,

But seeme as they were made of Sanctitie;

Religion in their garments, and their haire

Cut shorter than their eie-browes; when the conscience

Is vaster than the Ocean, and deuours

More wretches than the Counters.

Mit.

Gentle Asper,

Containe your spirit in more stricter bounds,

And be not thus transported with the violence

Of your strong thoughts.

Cord.

Vnlesse your breath had power

To melt the world, and mould it new againe,

It is in vaine to spend it in these moods.

Asp.

I not obseru'd this thronged round till now:

Gracious, and kind Spectators, you are welcome,

Apollo, and the Muses feast your eies

VVith gracefull obiects; and may our Minerva

Answere your hopes, vnto their largest straine.

Yet here, mistake me not judicious friends:

I doe not this to beg your patience,

Or servilely to fawne on your applause,

Like some drie braine, despairing in his merit:

Let me be censur'd, by th'austerest brow,

VVhere I want art, or judgement, taxe me freely:

Let envious Critickes with their broadest eies

Looke through and through me; I pursue no fauor:

Onely vouchsafe me your attentions,

And I will giue you musicke worth your eares.

O how I hate the monstrousnesse of time,

VVhere every servile imitating spirit,

(Plagu'd with an itching leprosie of wit)

In a meere halting furie, striues to fling

His vlc'rous bodie in the Thespian spring,

And streight leap's forth a Poet; but as lame

As Vulcane, or the founder of Criplegate.

Mit.

In faith this Humor will come ill to some,

You will be thought to be too peremptorie.

Asp.

This Humor? good; and why this Humour, Mitis?

Nay doe not turne, but answere.

Mit.

Answere? what?

Asp.

I will not stirre your patience, pardon mee,

I vrg'd it for some reasons, and the rather

To give these ignorant well-spoken daies

Some tast of their abuse of this word Humor.

Cor.

O doe not let your purpose fall, good Asper,

It cannot but arriue most acceptable,

Cheefely to such as have the happinesse

Daily to see how the poore innocent word

Is rackt, and tortur'd.

Mit.

I; I pray you proceed.

Asp.

Ha? what? what is't?

Cord.

For the abuse of Humor.

Asp.

O, I craue pardon, I had lost my thoughts.

VVhy Humor (as 'tis ens) we thus define it

To be a qualitie of aire or water,

And in it selfe holds these two properties,

Moisture and Fluxure: As for demonstration,

Poure water on this floore, 'twill wet and runne,

Likewise the aire (forc't through a horne or trumpet)

Flowes instantly away, and leaves behind

A kind of dew; and hence we doe conclude,

That what soe're hath fluxure and humiditie,

As wanting power to containe it selfe,

Is Humor: so in euery humane bodie

The choller, melancholy, flegme, and bloud,

By reason that they flow continually

In some one part, and are not continent,

Receiue the name of Humors. Now thus farre

It may by Metaphore applie it selfe

Vnto the generall disposition,

As when some one peculiar qualitie

Doth so possesse a man, that it doth draw

All his affects, his spirits, and his powers

In their confluctions all to runne one way,

This may be truly said to be a Humor,

But that a Rooke in wearing a pied feather,

The cable hatband, or the three-pild ruffe,

A yard of shoe-tie, or the Switzers knot

On his French garters, should affect a Humour,

O, 'tis more than most ridiculous.

Cord.

He speakes pure truth: now if an Ideot

Have but an Apish or Phantasticke straine,

It is his Humour.

Asp.

VVell I will scourge those apes,

And to these courteous eies oppose a mirror

As large as is the stage whereon we act,

VVhere they shall see the times deformitie,

Anatomiz'd in every Nerve and sinew,

VVith constant courage, and contempt of feare.

Mit.

Asper (I urge it as your friend) take heed,

The daies are dangerous, full of exception,

And men are growne impatient of reproofe.

Asp.

Ha, ha:

You might as well haue told me, yond' is heauen,

This earth, these men; and all had mou'd alike.

Doe not I know the times condition?

Yes Mitis; and their soules, and who they be

That either will or can except against me:

None but a sort of fooles, so sicke in tast,

That they contemne all Phisicke of the mind,

And like gald Camels kicke at every touch

Good men, and vertuous spirits, that loath their vices,

VVill cherish my free labours, love my lines,

And with the fervor of their shining grace,

Make my braine fruitfull to bring forth more obiects

VVorthie their serious and intentiue eies.

But why enforce I this, as fainting? no:

If any here chance to behold himselfe,

Let him not dare to challenge me of wrong,

For if he shame to have his follies knowne,

First he should shame to act'hem: my strict hand

VVas made to ceaze on vice; and with a gripe

Crush out the Humor of such spongie soules,

As licke vp euery idle vanitie.

Cord.

VVhy this is right Furor Poeticus:

Kind gentlemen, we hope your patience

VVill yet conceiue the best, or entertaine

This supposition, That a madman speakes.

Asp.

VVhat? are you readie there?Mitis sit downe;

And my Cordatus. Sound hoe, and begin:

I leave you two as Censors to sit here,

Obserue what I present, and liberally

Speake your opinions, vpon euery Scene,

As it shall passe the view of these Spectators,

Nay now, y'are tedious Sirs, for shame begin:

And Mitis, note me if in all this front,

You can espie a gallant of this marke,

VVho (to be thought one of the judicious)

Sits with his armes thus wreath'd, his hat pul'd here,

Cries meaw, and nods, then shakes his empty head,

VVill shew more seuerall motions in his face

Than the new London, Rome, or Nineueh,

And (now and then) breakes a drie bisket jest,

VVhich that it may more easily be chew'd,

He steeps in his owne laughter.

Cord.

VVhy? will that

Make it be sooner swallow'd?

Asp.

O, assure you:

Or if it did not, yet as Horace sings:

” Ieiunus rar ò stomachus vulgaria temnit,

” Meane cates are welcome still to hungrie guests.

Cord.

'Tis true, but why should we obserue 'hem Asper?

Asp.

O I would know 'hem, for in such assemblies,

Th'are more infectious than the Pestilence,

And therefore I would giue them pils to purge,

And make 'hem fit for faire societies.

How monstrous and detested is't to see

A fellow that has neither art nor braine,

Sit like an Aristarchus, or starke asse,

Taking mens lines with a Tabacco face

In snuffe, still spitting, vsing his wried lookes

(In nature of a vice) to wrest and turne

The good aspect of those that shall sit neere him,

From what they doe behold? O tis most vile.

Mit.

Nay Asper.

Asp.

Peace Mitis, I doe know your thought:

You'le say, your audience will except at this?

Pish: you are too timorous, and full of doubt:

Then, he a patient, shall reiect all Phisicke

'Cause the physitian tels him you are sicke:

Or, if I say That he is vicious,

You will not heare of vertue: come, y'are fond.

Shall I be so extravagant to thinke

That happie judgements and composed spirits

VVill challenge me for taxing such as these?

I am asham'd.

Cord.

Nay, but good pardon vs:

VVe must not beare this peremptorie saile,

But vse our best endevours how to please.

Asp.

VVhy therein I commend your carefull thoughts,

And I will mixe with you in industrie

To please; but whom? attentive auditors,

Such as will joine their profit with their pleasure,

And come to feed their vnderstanding parts:

For these, Ile prodigally spend my selfe,

And speake away my spirit into aire;

For these, Ile melt my braine into invention,

Coine new conceits, and hang my richest words

As polisht jewels in their bounteous eares.

But stay, I loose my selfe, and wrong their patience;

If I dwell here, they'le not begin, I see:

Friends sit you still, and entertaine this troupe

With some familiar and by-conference,

Ile hast them sound: now gentlemen I goe

To turne an Actor, and a Humorist,

VVhere (ere I doe resume my present person)

VVe hope to make the circles of your eies

Flow with distilled laughter: if we faile,

VVe must impute it to this onely chance,

“ Art hath an enemie cal'd Ignorance.

Exit.

Cord.

How doe you like his spirit, Mitis?

Mit.

I should like it much better, if he were lesse confident.

Cord.

VVhy, doe you suspect his merit?

Mit.

No, but I feare this will procure him much envie.

Cordatus.

O, that sets the stronger seale on his desert, if

he had no enemies, I should esteeme his fortunes most wret-

ched at this instant.

Mit.

You have seene his play Cordatus? pray you; how is't?

Cord.

Faith sir, I must refraine to judge, onely this I can say

of it, 'tis strange, and of a perticular kind by it selfe, somewhat

like Vetus Comœdia: a worke that hath bounteously pleased me,

how it will answere the generall expectation, I know not.

Mit.

Does he observe all the lawes of Comedie in it?

Cord.

VVhat lawes meane you?

Mit.

VVhy the equall deuision of it into Acts and Scenes,

according to the Terentian manner, his true number of A-

ctors; the furnishing of the Scene with Grex or Chorus, and that

the whole Argument fall within compasse of a daies effici-

encie.

Cord.

O no, these are too nice observations.

Mit.

They are such as must bee received by your fauour, or

it cannot be Authentique.

Cord.

Troth I can discerne no such necessitie.

Mit.

No?

Cord.

No, I assure you signior; if those lawes you speake of,

had beene deliuered vs, ab Initio; and in their present vertue

and perfection, there had beene some reason of obeying their

powers: but 'tis extant, that that which wee call Comœdia, was

at first nothing but a simple and continued Satyre, sung by one

only person, till Susario invented a second, after him Epicharmus

a third, Phormus, and Chionides devised to have foure actors, with

a Prologue and Chorus; to which Cratinus (long after) added a fift

and sixt; Eupolis more, Aristophanes more than they: every

man in the dignitie of his spirit and judgement, supplied some-

thing: and (though that in him this kind of Poeme appeared

absolute, and fully perfected) yet how is the face of it chang'd

since, in Menander, Philemon, Cecilius, Plautus, and the rest; who

have vtterly excluded the Chorus, altered the propertie of the

persons, their names, and natures, and augmented it with all

libertie, according to the elegancie and disposition of those

times wherein they wrote? I see not then but we should enjoy

the same Licentia or free power, to illustrate and heighten our

invention as they did; and not be tied to those strict and re-

gular forms, which the nicenesse of a fewe (who are nothing

but Forme) would thrust vpon vs.

Mit.

VVell, we will not dispute of this now: but what's his

Scene?

Cor.

Mary Insula fortunata, Sir.

Mit.

O, the fortunate Iland? masse hee has bound himselfe

to a strict law there.

Cor.

VVhy so?

Mit.

He cannot lightly alter the Scene without crossing the

seas.

Cor.

He needs not, having a whole Iland to runne through,

I thinke.

Mit.

No? how comes it then, that in some one play wee see

so many seas, countries, and kingdomes, past over with such

admirable dexteritie?

Cor.

O, that but shewes how well the Authors can travaile

in their vocation, and out-run the apprehension of their Au-

ditorie. But leaving this, I would they would begin once: this

protraction is able to sower the best-setled patience in the

Theatre.

Mit.

They have answered your wish sir: they sound.

Sound the third time.

ENTER PROLOGVE.

Cord.

O here comes the Prologue: Now sir, if you had staid

a little longer, I meant to have spoke your Prologue for you,

I faith.

Prol.

Mary with all my heart sir, you shall doe it yet, and I

thanke you.

Cord.

Nay, nay, stay, stay, heare you?

Pro.

You could not have studied to ha' done me a greater

benefit at the instant, for I protest to you, I am vnperfect, and

(had I spoke it) I must of necessitie have been out.

Cor.

VVhy but doe you speake this seriously?

Pro.

Seriously! I (God's my helpe doe I) and esteeme my

selfe indebted to your kindnesse for it.

Cor.

For what?

Pro.

VVhy for vndertaking the Prologue for me.

Cor.

How? did I vndertake it for you?

Pro.

Did you! I appeale to all these gentlemen whether

you did or no? Come, it pleases you to cast a strange looke

on't now; but 'twill not serue.

Cor.

Fore God but it must serue: and therefore speake your

Prologue.

Pro.

And I doe, let me die poyson'd with some venemous

hisse, and neuer liue to looke as high as the two-pennie

roome againe.

Exit.

Mit.

He has put you to it, sir.

Cord.

Sdeath, what a humorous fellow is this? Gentlemen,

good faith I can speake no Prologue, howsoeuer his weake

wit has had the fortune to make this strong vse of me here be-

fore you: but I protest;

Enter Carlo Buffone, with a boy.

Carl.

Come, come, leave these fustian protestations: away,

come, I cannot abide these gray-headed ceremonies. Boy,

fetch me a glasse, quickly, I may bid these gentlemen welcom;

giue 'hem a health here: I marl'e whose wit 'twas to put a Pro-

logue in yon'd sackbuts mouth: they might well thinke hee'ld

be out of tune, and yet you'ld play vpon him too.

Exit boy.

Cord.

Hang him dull blocke.

Carl.

O good words, good words, a well-timberd fellow, he

would ha' made a good columne and he had been thought on

when the house was a building. O art thou

Enter boy with
a glasse.

come? well said: giue me; boy, fill, so:

here's a cup of wine sparkles like a diamond. Gentlewomen,

(I am sworne to put them in first) and Gentlemen, a round, in

place of a bad Prologue, I drinke this good draught to your

health here, Canarie, the verie Elixir and spirit of

(He drinks.)

wine: this is that our Poet calls Castalian liquor, whẽ he comes

abroad (now and then) once in a fortnight, and makes a good

meale among Players, where hee has Caninum appetitum: mary

at home he keepes a good Philosophicall diet, beans and but-

ter-milke: an honest pure rogue, he will take you off three,

foure, fiue of these one after another, and looke vilanously

when he has done, like a one-headed Cerberus (he do' not heare

me I hope) and then (when his belly is well ballac't, and his

braine rigg'd a little) hee sailes away withall, as though hee

would worke wonders when he comes home: he has made a

play here, & he calls it; Euery man out of his Humor: Sblood and

he get me out of the humor hee has put me in, Ile ner'e trust

none of his tribe againe, while I liue: Gentles, all I can say

for him, is, you are welcome. I could wish my bottle here a-

mongst you: but there's an old rule; No pledging your own health:

mary if any here be thirstie for it, their best way (that I know)

is, sit still, seale vp their lips, and drinke so much of the play in

at their eares.

Exit.

Mit.

What may this fellow be, Cordatus?

Cord.

Faith, if the time will suffer his description, I'le giue it

you: he is one, the Author calls him Carlo Buffone, an impudent

common jester, a violent railer, and an in comprehensible Epi-

cure: one, whose companie is desir'd of all men, but belou'd

of none; hee will sooner loose his soule than a jest, and pro-

phane even the most holy things, to excite laughter: no ho-

nourable or reuerend personage whatsoeuer, can come with-

in the reach of his eye, but is turn'd into all manner of varietie,

by his adult'rate simile's.

Mit.

You paint forth a monster.

Cord.

Hee will preferre all countries before his natiue, and

thinkes he can neuer sufficiently, or with admiration enough,

deliuer his affectionate conceit of forrein Atheisticall polli-

cees: but stay, obserue these, hee'le appeare himselfe anon.

Enter Maciletie, solus.

Mit.

O, this is your enuious man (Macilente) I thinke.

Cor.

The same, sir.

ACTVS PRIMVS. SCENA PRIMA.

Mac.

Viri est, fortunæ cæcitætem facile ferre:

Tis true; but Stoique: where (in the vast world)

Doth that man breath, that can so much commaund

His blood and his affection? well: I see,

I striue in vaine to cure my wounded soule;

For euery cordiall that my thoughts apply

Turns to a cor'siue, and doth eat it farder.

There is no tast in this Philosophie,

Tis like a Potion that a man should drinke,

But turnes his stomacke with the sight of it.

I am no such pild Cinique, to beleeue

That beggerie is the only happinesse;

Or (with a number of these patient fooles)

To sing: My mind to me a kingdome is,

VVhen the lanke hungrie belly barkes for food:

I looke into the world, and there I meet

VVith obiects, that doe strike my blood-shot eyes

Into my braine: where, when I view my selfe;

Having before obseru'd: this man is great,

Mightie, and fear'd: that, lou'd and highly fauour'd:

A third, thought wise and learned: a fourth, rich,

And therefore honour'd: a fifth, rarely featur'd:

A sixth, admir'd for his nuptiall fortunes:

VVhen I see these (I say) and view my selfe,

I wish my Optique instruments were crackt;

And that the engine of my griefe could cast

Mine eye-balls like two globes of wild-fire forth,

To melt this vnproportion'd frame of Nature.

Oh, they are thoughts that haue transfixt my heart,

And often (i'the strength of apprehension)

Made my cold passion stand vpon my face,

Like drops of sweat on a stiffe cake of yce.

GREX.

Cor.

This alludes well to that of the Poet,

Inuidus suspirat, gemit, incutitque dentes,

Sudat frigidus, intuens quod odit.

Mit.

O peace, you breake the Scene.

Enter Sogliardo, with Carlo Buffone.

SCENA SEC.

Mac.

Soft, who be these?

I'le lay me downe a while till they be past.

GREX.

Cor.

Signior, note this gallant I pray you.

Mit.

VVhat is hee?

Cor.

A tame Rooke, youle take him presently: List.

Sog.

Nay looke you Carlo: this is my Humour now; I haue

land and money, my friends left me well, and I will be a gen-

tleman whatsoever it cost me.

Car.

A most gentleman-like resolution.

Sog.

Tut, and I take an humour of a thing once, I am like

your taylors needle, I go through: but, for my name Signior,

how think you? will it not serue for a gentlemans name, when

the Signior is put to it? Ha?

Car.

Let me heare: how is't?

Sog.

Signior Insulso Sogliardo: me thinkes it sounds well.

Car.

O excellent: tut and all fitted to your name, you might

very well stand for a gentleman: I know many Sogliardosgen-

tleman.

Sog.

VVhy and for my wealth I might be a Iustice of peace.

Car.

I, and a Constable for your wit.

Sog.

All this is my lordship you see here, and those farmes

you came by.

Car.

Good steps to gentilitie too, mary: but Sogliardo, if you

affect to be a gentleman indeed, you must observe all the rare

qualities, humors, and complements of a gentleman.

Sog.

I know it signior, and if you please to instruct, I am not

too good to learne, Ile assure you.

Car.

Inough sir: Ile make admirable vse i'the proiection of

my medicine vpon this lumpe of copper here. Ile bethinke me

for you sir.

Sog.

Signior, I will both pay you and pray you, and thanke

you and thinke on you.

GREX.

Cord.

Is not this purely good?

Mac.

Sbloud, why should such a prick-eard Hind as this

Bee rich? Ha? a foole? such a transparent gull

That may be seene through? wherefore should hee haue land,

Houses, and lordships? O, I could eat my entrailes,

And sinke my soule mto the earth with sorrow.

Car.

First (to be an accomplisht gentleman, that is, a gentle-

man of the time) you must giue o're housekeeping in the coũ-

trey, and liue altogether in the citie amongst gallants; where,

at your first apparance, 'twere good you turnd foure or fiue

hundred acres of your best land into two or three trunkes of

apparell; you may doe it without going to a Coniurer: and be

sure you mixe your selfe still, with such as flourish in the spring

of the fashion, and are least popular; studie their carriage and

behauior in all: learne to play at Primero and Passage, and (euer

when you loose) ha' two or three peculiar othes to sweare by,

that no man else sweares: but aboue all, protest in your play,

and affirme, Von your credite; As you are a true gentleman (at eue-

ry cast:) you may do it with a safe conscience, I warrant you.

Sog.

O admirable rare! hee cannot chuse but bee a gentle-

man, that ha's these excellent gifts: more, more, I beseech

you.

Car.

You must endevour to feed cleanly at your Ordinarie,

sit melancholy, and pick your teeth when you cannot speake:

and when you come to Plaies, bee Humorous, looke with a

good starch't face, and ruffle your brow like a new boot, laugh

at nothing but your own jests, or else as the Noblemen laugh;

that's a speciall grace you must obserue.

Sog.

I warrant you, sir.

Car.

I, and sit o'the stage, and flout; prouided, you haue a

good suit.

Sog.

O I'le haue a suit only for that sir.

Car.

You must talke much of your kinred and allies.

Sog.

Lies! no Signior, I shall not need to doe so, I haue kin-

red i'the cittie to talke of: I haue a neece is a merchants wife;

and a nephew, my brother Sordidos sonne, of the Innes of court.

Car.

O but you must pretend alliance with Courtiours and

great persons: and euer when you are to dine or fuppe in any

strange presence, hire a fellow with a great chaine (though

it be copper it's no matter) to bring you letters, feign'd

from such a noble man, or such a knight, or such a Ladie, To

their worshipfull, right rare, and noble qualified friend or

kinsman, Signior Insulso Sogliardo; giue your selfe stile enough.

And there (while you intend circumstances of newes, or en-

quirie of their health, or so) one of your familiars (whome

you must carrie about you still) breakes it vp (as't were in a

jeast) and reads it publikely at the table: at which, you must

seeme to take as vnpardonable offence as if hee had torne

your mistresse colours, or breath'd vpon her picture; and pur-

sue it with that hot grace, as if you would enforce a challenge

vpon it presently.

Sog.

Stay, I doe not like that humor of challenge, it may

be accepted: but I'le tell you what's my humor now: I will do

this, I will take occasion of sending one of my suites to the

Taylors to haue the pocket repaired, or so; and there such a

letter as you talke of (broke open and all) shall be left: O,

the Taylor will presently giue out what I am vpon the rea-

ding of it: worth twentie of your Gallants.

Car.

But then you must put on an extreame face of discon-

tentment at your mans negligence.

Sog.

O, so I will, and beate him too: I'le haue a man for the

purpose.

Mac.

You may; you haue land and crownes: O partiall

Fate!

Car.

Masse well remembred, you must keepe your men gal-

lant, at the first, fine pied Liueries laid with good gold lace,

there's no losse in it, they

may rip't off and pawn it, when they lacke victuals.

Sog.

Byr Ladie that is chargeable Signior, 'twill bring a man

in debt.

Car.

Debt? why that's the more for your credit sir: it's an

excellent pollicie to owe much in these daies, if you note it.

Sog.

As how good Signior? I would faine be a Polititian.

Car.

O, looke where you are indebted any great summe,

your creditor observes you with no lesse regard, than if he were

bound to you for some huge benefit, and will quake to giue

you the least cause of offence, least hee loose his money: I as-

sure you (in these times) no man has his servant more obse-

quious and pliant, than gentlemen their creditors: to whome

(if at any time) you pay but a moiety or a fourth part, it comes

more acceptedly, than if you gaue 'hem a new yeares gift.

Sog.

I perceiue you sir, I will take up, and bring my selfe in

credit sure.

Car.

Marry this; alwaies beware you commerce not with

bankrupts, or poore needie Ludgathians: they are impudent

creatures, turbulent spirits, they care not what violent trage-

dies they stirre, nor how they play fast and loose with a poore

gentlemans fortunes to get their owne: marry, these rich fel-

lowes (that ha' the world, or the better part of it, sleeping in

their countinghouses) they are ten times more placable, they:

either feare, hope, or modestie, restraines them from offering

any outrages: but this is nothing to your followers, you shall

not run a pennie more in arrerage for them, and you list your-

selfe.

Sog.

No? how should I keepe 'hem then?

Carl.

Keepe 'hem? Sbloud let them keepe themselves, they

are no sheepe, are they? VVhat? you shall come in houses,

where plate, apparrell, iewels, and diverse other prettie com-

modities lie negligently scattered, and I would ha' those Mer-

curies follow me (I trow) should remember they had not their

fingers for nothing.

Sog.

That's not so good me thinkes.

Car.

VVhy after you have kept 'hem a fornight or so, and

shew'd 'hem ynough to the world, you may turne 'hem away,

and keepe no more but a boy, it's ynough.

Sog.

Nay my humor is not for boies, Ile keepe men, and I

keepe any; and Ile giue coats, that's my humour: but I lacke a

Cullisen.

Car.

VVhy now you ride to the citie, you may buy one, Ile

bring you where you shall ha' your choise for money.

Sog.

Can you sir?

Car.

O I: you shall have one take measure of you, and

make you a Coat of armes to fit you of what fashion you will.

Sog.

By word of mouth I thank you Signior; Ile be once a

little prodigal in a Humor in faith, and haue a most prodigious

Coat.

Mac.

Torment and death, breake head and braine at once

To be deliuer'd of your fighting issue.

VVho can endure to see blind Fortune dote thus?

To be enamour'd on this dustie Turfe?

This clod? a horson Puckefist? O God, God, God, God, &c.

I could runne wild with greefe now to behold

The ranknesse of her bounties, that doth breed

Such bullrushes; these Mushrompe Gentlemen,

That shoot vp in a night to place and worship.

Car.

Let him alone, some stray, some stray.

Sog.

Nay I will examine him before I goe sure.

Car.

The Lord of the soile ha's all wefts and straies here? ha's

he not?

Sog.

Yes sir.

Car.

Faith then I pittie the poore fellow, he's falne into a

fooles hands.

Sog.

Sirah, who gaue you commission to lie in my Lordship?

Mac.

Your Lordship?

Sog.

How? my Lordship? doe you know me sir?

Mac.

I doe know you sir.

Car.

S'heart, he answeres him like an Eccho.

Sog.

VVhy, who am I Sir?

Mac.

One of those that fortune fauors.

Car.

The Periphrasis of a foole; Ile obserue this better.

Sog.

That fortune fauors? how meane you that friend?

Mac.

I meane simply; That you are one that liues not by

your wits.

Sog.

By my wits? No sir, I scorne to liue by my wits, I; I haue

better meanes I tell thee, than to take such base courses, as to

liue by my wits. Sbloud doest thou thinke I liue by my wits?

Mac.

Me thinkes Iester, you should not relish this well.

Car.

Ha? does he know me?

Mac.

Though yours be the worst vse a man can put his wit

too of thousands, to prostitute it at euery Tauerne and Ordi-

narie; yet (me thinks) you should haue turn'd your broad side

at this, and haue been readie with an Apologie, able to sinke

this Hulke of Ignorance into the bottome, and depth of his

Contempt.

Car.

Sbloud 'tis Macilente: Signior, you are wel encountred,

how is't? O we must not regard what he saies man, a Trout, a

shallow foole, he ha's no more braine than a Butterflie, a meer

stuft suit, he looks like a mustie Bottle, new wickerd, his head's

the Corke, light, light. I am glad to see you so well return'd

Signior.

Mac.

You are? Gramercie good Ianus.

Sog.

Is he one of your acquaintance? I loue him the better

for that.

Car.

Gods pretious, come away man, what do you mean? and

you knew him as I do, you'ld shun him, as you'ld do the plague?

Sog.

VVhy sir?

Car.

O, hee's a blacke fellow, take heed on him.

Sog.

Is he a Scholler or a Soldior?

Car.

Both, both; a leane Mungrell, hee lookes as if he were

chap-falne with barking at other mens good fortunes: 'ware

how you offend him, hee carries Oile and Fire in his pen, will

scald where it drops, his Spirit's like Powder, quick, violent:

hee'le blow a man vp with a jest: I feare him worse than a rot-

ten VVall do's the Cannon, shake an hower after at the report:

away, come not neere him.

Sog.

For Gods sake let's be gone, and he be a Scholler, you

know I cannot abide him, I had as leeue see a Cocatrice, speci-

ally as Cocatrices goe now.

Car.

VVhat, you'le stay signior? this gentleman Sogliardo

and I are to visit the knight Puntarvolo, and from thence to the

Citie, we shall meet there.

Exeunt Car. and Sog.

Mac.

I, when I cannot shun you, we will meet.

'Tis strange: of all the creatures I haue seene,

I enuie not this Buffon, for indeed

Neither his fortunes nor his parts deserue it;

But I doe hate him as I hate the deuill,

Or that brasse-visag'd monster Barbarisme.

O, 'tis an open-throated, blacke-mouth'd curre,

That bites at all, but eates on those that feed him,

A slaue, that to your face will (Serpent-like)

Creepe on the ground, as he would eat the dust;

And to your backe will turne the taile and sting

More deadly than a Scorpion: stay, who's this?

Now for my soule, another minion

Of the old lady Chance's: I'le obserue him.

Enter Sordido with a Prognostication.

SCENA TER.

Sord.

O rare, good, good, good, good, good, I thanke my

Christ, I thanke my Christ for it.

Mac.

Said I not true? doth not his passion speake

Out of my diuination? O my sences,

VVhy loose you not your powers, and become

Dead, dull, and blunted with this Spectacle?

I know him, 'tis Sordido, the farmer,

A Boore, and brother to that Swine was here.

Sor.

Excellent, excellẽt, excellẽt, as I would wish, as I would

wish.

Mac.

See how the strumpet Fortune tickles him,

And makes him swoune with laughter, O, O, O.

Sord.

Ha, ha, ha, I will not sow my grounds this yeere, Let

me see, what haruest shall we haue? Iune, Iulie?

Mac.

VVhat is't a Prognostication rap's him so?

Sord.

The xx. xxi. xxij. daies, raine and wind, O good, good;

the xxiij. and xxiiij. raine and some wind, good; the xxv. rain,

good still; xxvj. xxvij. xxviij, wind and some raine; would it

had been raine and some wind: well 'tis good (when it can bee

no better) xxix. inclining to raine: inclining to raine? that's not

so good now. xxx. and xxxj. wind and no raine: no raine? S'lid

stay; this is worse and worse: what saies he of S. Swithins? turne

backe, looke, S. Swithins: no raine?

Mac.

O here's a pretious filthy damned rogue,

That fats himselfe with expectation

Of rotten weather, and vnseason'd howers;

And he is rich for it, an elder brother,

His barnes are full, his reekes, and mowes well trod,

His garners cracke with store. O, tis well; ha, ha, ha:

A plague consume thee and thy house.

Sord.

O here, S. Swithins, the xv. day, variable weather, for

the most part raine, good; for the most part raine: VVhy it

should raine fortie daies after now, more or lesse, it was a rule

held afore I was able to hold a plough, and yet here are two

daies, no rain; ha? it makes me muse. VVeele see how the next

month begins, if that be better. August: August, first, second,

third, and fourth daies, rainie, and blustering; this is well now:

fift, sixt, seventh, eight, and ninth, raine, with some thunder; I

marry, this is excellent; the other was false printed sure: the

tenth and eleuenth, great store of raine; O good, good, good,

good, good; the twelft, thirteenth, and fourteenth daies, rain;

good still: fifteenth and sixteenth, raine; good still: seuenteenth

and eighteenth, raine, good still; nineteenth and twentieth,

Good still, good still, good still, good still, good still, one and

twentieth, some raine; some raine? well, wee must bee patient,

and attend the heauens pleasure, would it were more though:

the one and twentith, two and twentith, three and twentith,

great tempest of raine, thunder, and lightning.

O good againe, past expectation good:

I thanke my blessed angell; neuer, neuer,

Laid I penny better out than this,

To purchase this deare booke: not deare for price,

And yet of me as dearely priz'd as life,

Since in it is contain'd the very life,

Bloud, strength, and sinewes of my happinesse:

Blest be the houre wherein I bought this booke,

His studies happy that compos'd the booke,

And the man fortunate that sold the booke:

Sleepe with this charme, and be as true to me

As I am joy'd and confident in thee.

Enter a Hind to Sordido with a paper.

Mac.

Ha, ha, ha? I' not this good? Is't not pleasing this? ha, ha?

Gods ha?

Is't possible that such a spacious villaine

Should liue and not be plagu'd? or lies he hid

VVithin the wrinckled bosome of the world,

VVhere heauen cannot see him? Sbloud (me thinkes)

'Tis rare and admirable, that he should breath, and walke,

Feed with disgestion, sleepe, enjoy his health,

And (like a boist'rous VVhale swallowing the poore)

Still swimme in wealth and pleasure: is't not strange?

Vnlesse his house and skin were thunder-proofe,

I wonder at it. Me thinkes now, the Hecticke,

Gout, Leprosie, or some such loth'd disease

Might light vpon him; or that fire (from heauen)

Might fall upon his barnes; or mice and rats

Eat vp his graine; or else that it might rot

VVithin the hoarie Reekes, e'ne as it stands:

Me thinkes this might be well; and after all

The deuill might come and fetch him: I, 'tis true.

Meane time he surfets in prosperitie,

And thou (in envie of him) gnaw'st thy selfe,

Peace foole, get hence, and tell thy vexed spirit,

Exit.

” Wealth in this age will scarcely looke on merit.

Sord.

VVho brought this same sirha?

Hind.

Marry sir one of the justices men, hee saies 'tis a pre-

cept, and all their Hands be at it!

Sord.

I, and the prints of them sticke in my flesh

Deeper than i'their letters: They haue sent me

Pils wrapt in paper here, that should I take 'hem,

VVould poison all the sweetnesse of my Booke,

And turne my Honey into Hemlocke juice:

But I am wiser than to serue their precepts,

Or follow their prescriptions: Here's a deuise,

To charge me bring my Graine vnto the markets:

I, much, when I haue neither Barne nor Garner,

Nor Earth to hide it in, I'le bring it; but till then,

Ech corne I send shall be as big as Paules.

O, but (say some) the poore are like to sterue.

VVhy let 'hem sterue, what's that to me? are Bees

Bound to keepe life in Drones and idle Moaths? no:

VVhy such are these (that tearme themselues the poore,

Only because they would be pittied)

But are indeed a sort of lazie Beggers,

Licencious Rogues and sturdie Vagabonds,

Bred (by the sloth of a fat plenteous yeare)

Like snakes in heat of summer out of dung,

And this is all that these cheape times are good for:

VVhere as a holsome and penurious Dearth

Purges the soile of such vile excrements,

And kils the Vipers vp.

Hind.

O but maister,

Take heed they heare you not.

Sord.

VVhy so?

Hind.

They will exclaime against you.

Sord.

I, their exclaimes

Moue me as much, as thy breath moues a Mountaine;

Poore wormes, they hisse at me, whilst I at home

Can be contented to applaud my selfe,

To sit and clap my hands, and laugh and leape,

Knocking my head against my roofe, with joy

To see how plumpe my bags are, and my barnes.

Sirah, goe, hie you home, and bid your fellowes

Get all their flailes readie againe I come.

Exit Hind.

Hind.

I will Sir.

Sord.

I'le instantly set all my hinds to thrashing

Of a whole Reeke of corne, which I will hide

Vnder the ground; and with the straw there of

I'le stuffe the outsides of my other Mowes:

That done, I'le haue 'hem emptie all my Garners,

And i' the friendly Earth bury my store,

That when the Searchers come they may suppose

All's spent, and that my fortunes were belied.

And to lend more opinion to my want,

And stop that many-mouthed vulgar Dog,

(VVhich else would still be baying at my dore)

Each market day, I will be seene to buy

Part of the purest VVheat, as for my houshold:

VVhere when it comes, it shall encrease my heapes,

Twill yeeld me treble gaine at this deare time,

Promisd in this deere Booke: I haue cast all,

Till then I will not sell an eare, I'le hang first.

O I shall make my prizes as I list,

My House and I can feed on Pease and Barley,

VVhat though a world of VVretches sterue the while?

” He that will thriue, must thinke no courses vile.

Exit.

GREX.

Cord.

Now signior, how approue you this? haue the Humo-

rists exprest themselues truly or no?

Mit.

Yes (if it be wel prosecuted) 'tis hitherto happy ynough:

but me thinks Macilente went hence too soone, he might haue

been made to stay and speake some what in reproofe of Sordido's

wretchednesse, now at the last:

Cor.

O no, that had bin extreamly improper, besides he had cõti-

nued the Scene too lõg with him as't was, being in no more actiõ.

Mit.

You may enforce the length as a necessarie reason; but for

propriety the Scene wold very wel haue born it, in my Judgemẽt.

Cor.

O worst of both; why you mistake his Humor vtterly thẽ.

Mit.

How? do I mistake it? is't not Envie?

Cord.

Yes, but you must vnderstand Signior, hee enuies him

not as he is a villaine, a wolfe i' the commonwealth, but as he is

rich and fortunate; for the true condition of envie, is Dolor aliena

felicitatis, to haue our eies continually fixt vpon another mans

prosperitie, that is his cheefe happinesse, and to grieue at that.

VVhereas if we make his monstrous and abhord actions, our

object, the greefe (we take then) comes neerer the nature of

Hate than Enuie, as being bred out of a kind of contempt and

lothing in our selues.

Mit.

So you'le infer it had been Hate, not Envie in him, to

reprehend the humor of Sordido?

Cord.

Right, for what a man truly enuies in another, he could

alwaies loue, and cherish in himselfe; but no man truly repre-

hends in another what he loues in himselfe, therefore Repre-

hension is out of his Hate. And this distinction hath he himselfe

made in a speech there (if you markt it) where hee saies, I enuie

not this Buffon, but I hate him.

Mit.

Stay sir: I enuie not this Buffon, but I hate him: why might

he not as well haue hated Sordido as him?

Cord.

No sir, there was subject for his envie in Sordido; his

wealth: So was there not in the other, he stood possest of no

one eminent gift, but a most odious and fiend-like disposition,

that would turne Charitie it selfe into Hate, much more Envie

for the present.

Enter Carlo Buffone, Sogliardo, Fastidius Briske, Cinedo.

ACTUS SECUNDUS, SCENA PRIMA.

Mit.

You haue satisfied mee sir, O here comes the Foole and

the Iester againe me thinkes.

Cord.

'Twere pitie they should be parted sir.

Mit.

VVhat bright-shining gallant's that with them? the

knight they went to?

Cord.

No sir, this is one Monsieur Fastidius Briske, otherwise

cal'd the fresh Frenchefied courtier.

Mit.

A humorist too?

Cord.

As humorous as quickesiluer, doe but obserue him, the

Scene is the countrey still, remember.

Fast.

Cinedo, watch when the knight comes, & giue vs word.

Cine.

I will sir.

Exit.

Fast.

How lik'st thou my boy, Carlo?

Car.

O wel, wel, he looks like a colonel of the Pigmies horse,

or one of these motions in a great antique clocke: hee would

shew well vpon a Habberdashers stall, at a corner shop rarely.

Fast.

S'heart, what a damn'd wittie rogue's this? how hee

confounds with his simile's?

Car.

Better with simile's than smiles: and whither were you

riding now Signior?

Fast.

VVho I? what a silly jest's that? whither should I ride

but to the Court?

Car.

O pardon me sir, twentie places more: your hot-house,

or your—

Fast.

By the vertue of my soule this knight dwels in Elizium

here.

Carl.

Hee's gone now, I thought he would flie out present-

ly. These be our nimble-sprighted Catso's that ha' there euas-

ions at pleasure, wil run ouer a bog like your wild Irish; no soo-

ner started, but they'le leape from one thing to another like a

squirrell, heigh; Daunce, and do tricks i'their discourse, from

Fire to VVater, frõ VVater to Aire, frō Aire to Earth, as if their

tongues did but e'en lick the foure Elements ouer, and away.

Fast.

Sirra Carlo, thou neuer saw'st my grey Hobbie yet,

didst thou?

Carl.

No: ha' you such a one?

Fast.

The best in Europe (my good villaine) thou'lt say,

when thou seest him.

Car.

But when shall I see him?

Fast.

There was a Noble man i'the Court offered me 100

pound for him by this light: a fine little fierie slave, hee runs

like a(O) excellent, excellent, with the very sound of the spur.

Carl.

How? the sound of the spurre?

Fast.

O, it's your only humor now extant sir: a good gingle,

a good gingle.

Carl.

Sbloud you shall see him turne morrise dancer, he ha's

got him bels, a good sute, and a Hobbie-horse.

Sog.

Signior, now you talk of a Hobby-horse, I know where

one is, will not be giuen for a brace of angels.

Fast.

How is that Sir?

Sog.

Mary sir I am telling this gentleman of a Hobby-horse,

it was my fathers indeed, and (though I say it

Carl.

That should not say it) on, on.

Sog.

He did daunce in it with as good humour and as good

regard as any man of his degree whatsoeuer, being no Gen-

tleman: I haue daunc't in it my selfe too.

Car.

Not since the Humour of gentilitie was vpon you? did

you?

Sog.

Yes once; marry, that was but to shew what a gentle-

man might doe in a Humor.

Carl.

O very good.

GREX.

Mit.

VVhy this fellowes discourse were nothing but for

the word Humor.

Cord.

O beare with him, and he should lacke matter and

words too, 'twere pittifull.

Sog.

Nay looke you Sir, there's ne're a Gentleman i' the

countrie has the like humors for the Hobby-horse as I haue; I

haue the Methode for the threeding of the needle, the —

Carl.

How the Methode.

Sog.

I, the Leigeritie for that, and the wigh-hie, and the

daggers in the nose, and the trauels of the egge from finger to

finger, all the humors incident to the qualitie. The horse hangs

at home in my parlor, I'le keepe it for a monument, as long as

I liue sure.

Carl.

Doe so, and when you die, 'twill be an excellent Tro-

phee to hang ouer your tombe.

Sog.

Masse, and I'le have a tombe (now I thinke on't) 'tis but

so much charges.

Carl.

Best build it in your life time then, your heires may

hap to forget it else.

Sog.

Nay I meane so, Ile not trust to them.

Carl.

No, for heirs and executors are grown damnably care-

lesse, specially since the ghosts of Testators left walking: how

like you him Signior?

Fast.

'Fore heauens his Humor arrides me exceedingly.

Car.

Arrides you?

Fast.

I, pleases me (a pox on't) I am so haunted at the court

& at my lodging with your refin'd choise spirits, that is makes

me cleane of another Garbe, another straine, I know not how;

I cannot frame me to your harsh vulgar phrase, 'tis against my

Genius.

Sog.

Signior Carlo.

GREX.

Cord.

This is right to that of Horace, Dum vitant stulti vitia in

contraria currunt: so this gallant labouring to auoid

Popularitie, fals into a habit of Affectatiõ ten thou-

sand times more hatefull than the former.

Car.

VVho he? a gull? a foole? no salt in him i' the earth man:

he lookes like a fresh Salmon kept in a tub; hee'le bee spent

shortly, his braine's lighter than his feather alreadie, and his

tongue more subject to lie, than that's to wag: he sleepes with

a muske-cat euery night, and walkes all day hang'd in Poman-

der chaines for pennance: hee ha's his skinne tan'd in ciuet, to

make his complexion strong, and the sweetnesse of his youth

lasting in the sence of his sweet ladie. A good emptie Puffe, hee

loues you well Signior.

Sog.

There shall be no loue lost Sir, I'le assure you.

Fast.

Nay Carlo, I am not happie i 'thy loue I see, pr'y thee

suffer me to enjoy thy companie a little (sweet mischeefe) by

this aire, I shall envie this gentlemans place in thy affections,

if you be thus priuate I faith: how now? is the Knight arriu'd?

Enter Cinedo.

Cine.

No sir, but 'tis gest he will arriue presently, by his fore-

runners.

Fast.

His hounds! by Minerua an excellent Figure; a good boy.

Carl.

You should giue him a French crowne for it: the boy

would find two better Figures i'that, & a good Figure of your

bountie beside.

Fast.

Tut, the boy wants no crownes.

Carl.

No crowne: speake i' the singular number, and wee'le

beleeue you.

Fast.

Nay, thou art so capriciously conceited now: Sirra

(Damnation) I haue heard this knight Puntarvolo, reported to be

a gentleman of exceeding good humour: thou know'st him;

pr'ythee, how is his disposition? I ne're was so fauour'd of my

starres as to see him yet. Boy, doe you looke to the Hobbie?

Cin.

I sir, the groome has set him vp.

Fast.

'Tis well: I rid out of my way of intent to visit him,

and take knowledge of his: Nay good Wickednesse, his humor,

his humor.

Carl.

VVhy he loues dogges, and haukes, and his wife well:

he has a good riding face, and he can sit a great horse; hee will

taint a staffe well at tilt: when hee is mounted, he lookes like

the signe of the George, that's all I know; saue that in stead of

a Dragon he will brandish against a tree, and breake his sword

as confidently vpon the knottie barke, as the other did vpon

the skales of the beast.

Fast.

O, but this is nothing to that's deliuerd of him: they

say he has dialogues, and discourses betweene his horse, him-

selfe, and his dogge; and that he will court his owne Ladie, as

shee were a stranger neuer encounter'd before,

Car.

I, that he will, and make fresh loue to her euerie mor-

ning: this Gentleman has been a Spectator of it, Signior Insulso.

Sog.

I am resolute to keepe a Page: say you sir?

Carl.

You haue seene Signior Puntarvolo accost his Ladie?

Sog.

O, I sir.

Fast.

And how is the maner of it pr'ythee good Signior?

Sog.

Faith sir in verie good sort; he has his humors for it sir:

as first, (suppose he were now to come from riding, or hunting,

or so) he has his trumpet to sound, and then the waiting Gen-

tlewoman, shee lookes out; and then he speaks, and then shee

speakes: very prettie I faith Gentlemen.

Fast.

VVhy, but doe you remember no particulars, Signior?

Sog.

O, yes sir: first, the Gentlewoman shee lookes out at

the window.

Carl.

After the trumpet has summon'd a parle? not before?

Sog.

No sir, not before: and then saies hee; ha, ha, ha, ha, &c.

Car.

VVhat saies he? be not rapt so.

Sog.

Sayes he; ha, ha, ha, ha, &c.

Fast.

Nay speake, speake.

Sog.

Ha, ha, ha, Sayes he: God saue you, ha, ha, &c.

Car.

VVas this the ridiculous motiue to all this passion?

Sog.

Nay that, that comes after is: ha, ha, ha, ha, &c.

Car.

Doubtlesse hee apprehends more than hee vtters, this

fellow: or else.

A crie of hounds
within.

Sog.

List, list, they are come from hunting:

stand by, close vnder this Tarras, & you shall

see it done better than I can shew it.

Car.

So it had need, 'twill scarse poize the obseruation else.

Sog.

Faith I remember all, but the manner of it is quite out

of my head.

Fast.

O withdraw, withdraw, it cannot be but a most plea-

sing object.

Enter Puntarvolo, a Huntsman with a greyhound.

Pun.

Forrester, giue wind to thy Horne. Inough; by this

the sound hath toucht the ears of the enclosed: Depart, leaue

the dogge, and take with thee what thou hast deseru'd; the

Horne, and thankes.

Carl.

I mary, there's some tast in this.

Fast.

Is't not good?

Sog.

Ah peace, now aboue, now aboue.

The waiting Gentlewoman appeares at the window.

Punt.

Stay: mine eye hath (on the instant) through the

bountie of the window, receiu'd the forme of a Nymph. I

will step forward three paces: of the which, I will barely retire

one; and (after some little flexure of the knee) with an ere-

cted grace salute her: 1, 2, and 3. Sweet Ladie, God saue you.

Gent.

No forsooth: I am but the waiting Gentlewoman.

Carl.

He knew that before.

Punt.

Pardon me: Humanum est errare.

Carl.

He learn'd that of a Puritane.

Punt.

To the perfection of Complement (which is the dyall

of the thought, and guided by the Sunne of your beauties)

are requir'd these three Projects: the Gnomon, the Puntilio's, and

the Superficies, is that we call Place; the Puntilio's,

Circumstance; and the Gnomon, Ceremonie: in either of which, for a

stranger to erre, 'tis easie and facile; and such am I.

Carl.

True, not knowing her Horizon, hee must needs erre:

which I feare, he knowes too well.

Punt.

VVhat call you the Lord of the castle? sweet Face.

Gent.

The Lord of the castle is a knight sir; Signior Puntar-

volo.

Punt.

Puntarvolo? O.

Car.

Now must he ruminate.

Fast.

Does the wench know him all this while then?

Carl.

O, doe you know me man? why therein lies the sirrup

of the jeast; it's a Project, a designment of his owne, a thing

studied, and rehearst as ordinarily at his comming from haw-

king or hunting, as a jigge after a Play.

Sog.

I, e'en like your jigge sir.

Punt.

'Tis a most sumptuous and stately edifice; what yeers

is the knight, faire Damsell?

Gent.

Faith much about your yeeres sir.

Punt.

VVhat complexion, or what stature beares hee?

Gen.

Of your stature, and very nere vpon your complexion.

Punt.

Mine is Melancholly:

Carl.

So is the dogges, just.

Pun.

And doth argue constancie, chiefly in loue. VVhat are

his endowments? Is he courteous?

Gent.

O the most courteous Knight vpon Gods earth sir.

Punt.

Is he magnanimous?

Gent.

As the skin betweene your browes sir.

Pun.

Is he bountifull?

Carl.

Sbloud, hee takes an Inuentorie of his owne good

parts.

Gent.

Bountifull? I sir I would you should know it; the poore

are seru'd at his gate early and late sir.

Punt.

Is he learned?

Gen.

O, I sir, he can speake the French and Italian.

Punt.

Then he is trauail'd?

Gen.

I forsooth, he hath been beyond-sea once or twise.

Carl.

As far as Paris, to fetch ouer a fashion and come backe

againe.

Punt.

Is he religious?

Gent.

Religious? I know not what you call Religious, but

he goes to Church I am sure.

Fast.

S'lid me thinkes these answeres should offend him.

Carl.

Tut no; he knowes they are excellent, and to her ca-

pacitie that speakes 'hem.

Punt.

VVould I might see his face.

Carl.

Shee should let downe a glasse from the window at

that word, and request him to looke in't.

Punt.

Doubtlesse, the gentleman is most exact, and abso-

lutely qualified? doth the castle containe him?

Gen.

No Sir, he is from home, but his Ladie is within.

Pnnt.

His Ladie? what is shee faire? splendidious? and ami-

able?

Gent.

O Iesu sir!

Punt.

Pr'y thee deare Nymph, intreat her beauties to shine

on this side of the building.

Exit Gent. from the window.

Carl.

That he may erect a new dyall of complement, with

his Gnomons, and his Puntilio's.

Fast.

Nay, thou art such another Cinique now, a man had

need walke vprightly before thee.

Carl.

Heart, can any man walke more vpright than hee

does? Looke, looke; as if hee went in a frame, or had a sute

of wanescot on: and the dogge watching him least he should

leape out on't.

Fast.

O villaine!

Carl.

VVell, and e'er I meet him in the cittie, I'le ha' him

joynted, I'le pawne him in East-cheape among butchers else.

Fast.

Peace, who be these, Carlo?

Enter Sordido, with his sonne Fungoso.

Sord.

Yonder's your godfather; do your dutie to him sonne.

Sog.

This sir? a poore elder brother of mine sir, a yeoman,

may dispend some seuen or eight hundred a yeere: that's his

sonne, my nephew there.

Punt.

You are not ill-come neighbour Sordido, though I haue

not yet said welcom: what, my god-sonne is growne a great

Proficient by this?

Sord.

I hope he will grow great one day, sir.

Fast.

VVhat does he studie? the law?

Sog.

I sir, he is a gentleman, though his father be but a yeo-

man.

Car.

VVhat call you your nephew, Signior?

Sog.

Mary his name is Fungoso.

Car.

Fungoso? O, hee lookt some what like a spunge in that

pinckt doublet me thought: well, make much of him; I see he

was neuer borne to ride vpon a moile.

Gen.

My Ladie will come presently sir.

Enter Gent. aboue.

Sog.

O now, now.

Punt.

Stand by, retire your selues a space: nay, pray you, for-

get not the vse of your hat; the aire is piercing.

Sordido and Fungoso withdraw at the other part of the stage,
meane time the Ladie is come to the window.

Fast.

VVhat? will not their presence preuaile against the

current of his humor?

Carl.

O no: it's a meere floud, a Torrent, carries all afore it.

Punt.

What more than heauenly pulchritude is this?

What Magazine, or treasurie of blisse?

Dazle, you organs to my optique sence,

To view a creature of such eminence:

O I am planet-strooke, and in yond Sphere,

A brighter starre than Venus doth appeare.

Fast.

How? in verse?

Carl.

An Extasie, an Extasie, man.

Lady.

Is your desire to speake with me, sir Knight?

Carl.

He will tell you that anon; neither his Braine, nor his

Bodie, are yet moulded for an answere.

Punt.

Most debonaire, and Luculent Ladie, I decline me as

low as the Basis of your Altitude.

GREX.

Cord.

Hee makes congies to his wife in Geometricall pro-

portions.

Is't possible there should be any such Humorist?

Very easily possible, Sir, you see there is.

Mit.

Is't possible there should be any such Humorist?

Cor.

Very easily possible, Sir, you see there is.

Punt.

I haue scarse collected my spirits, but lately scatter'd

in the admiration of your Forme; to which (if the bounties of

your mind be any way responsible) I doubt not but my desires

shall find a smooth and secure passage. I am a poore Knight

errant (Ladie) that hunting in the adjacent Forrest, was by

aduenture in the pursuit of a Hart, brought to this place;

which Hart (deare Madame) escaped by enchantment: the

euening approching (my selfe and seruant wearied) my suit is,

to enter your faire Castle, and refreshme.

Lady.

Sir Knight, albeit it be not vsuall with me (chiefly in

the absence of a husband) to admit any entrance to strangers,

yet in the true regard of those innated vertues, and faire parts

which so striue to expresse themselues in you; I am resolu'd to

enterteine you to the best of my vnworthie power; which I

acknowledge to be nothing, valew'd with what so worthy a

person may deserue. Please you but stay, while I descend.

Shee departs: and Puntarvolo falls in with Sordido,
and his sonne.

Punt.

Most admir'd Ladie, you astonish me.

Car.

VVhat? with speaking a speech of your own penning?

Fast.

Nay looke; pr'y thee peace.

Carl.

Pox on't: I am impatient of such fopperie.

Fist.

O lets heare the srest.

Carl.

VVhat? a tedious Chapter of Courtship, after sir Lanc-

elot, and Queene Guevener? away: I mar'le in what dull cold

nooke he found this Ladie out? that (being a woman) she was

blest with no more Copie of wit, but to serue his Humor thus.

Sblood, I thinke he feeds her with Porridge, I: she could ne're

haue such a thicke braine else.

Sog.

VVhy is Porridge so hurtfull, Signior?

Carl.

O, nothing vnder heauen more prejudiciall to those

ascending subtile powers, or doth sooner abate that which we

call, acumen Ingenu, than your grosse fare: why I'le make you an

Instance: your Cittie wiues, but obserue 'hem, you ha' not

more perfect true fooles i'the world bred than they are gene-

rally; & yet you see (by the finenesse and delicacie of their Di-

et, diuing into the fat Capons, drinking your rich wines, fee-

ding on Larkes, Sparrows, Potato pyes, and such good vnctu-

ous meats) how their wits are refin'd and rarefi'd: & sometimes

a very Quintessence of conceit flows from 'hem, able to drowne a

weake Apprehension.

Fast.

Peace, here comes the Ladie.

Enter Ladie with her Gent. and seeing them, turnes in againe.

Lady.

Gods me, here's companie: turne in againe.

Fast.

S'light, our presence has cut off the convoy of the jest.

Car.

All the better; I am glad on't: for the issue was verie

perspicuous. Come, let's discouer, and salute the knight.

Carlo and the other two, step forth to Punt.

Punt.

Stay: who be these that addresse themselues towards

vs? what Carlo? now by the Sinceritie of my Soule, welcome;

welcome Gentlemen: and how doest thou, thou Grand Scourge;

or, Second Vntrusse of the time?

Carl.

Faith spending my mettall in this Reeling world (here

and there) as the sway of my Affection carries me, and per-

haps stumble vpon a yeoman Pheuterer, as I doe now; or one

of Fortunes Moyles laden with treasure, and an empty Cloke-

bagge following him, gaping when a bagge will vntie.

Punt.

Peace you Bandogge peace: what briske Nimfadoro is

that in the white virgin boot there?

Carl.

Mary sir, one, that I must entreat you take a very par-

ticular knowledge of, and with more than ordinarie respect:

Monsieur Fastidivs .

Punt.

Sir, I could wish that for the time of your vouchsaft

abiding here, and more Reall entertainment, this my house

stood on the Muses hill; and these my Orchards were those of

the Hesperide's.

Fast.

I possesse as much in your wish sir, as if I were made Lord

of the Indies; and I pray you beleeue it.

Carl.

I haue a better opinion of his Faith, than to thinke it

will be so corrupted.

Sog.

Come brother, I'le bring you acquainted with Gentle-

men, & good fellows, such as shall do you more grace, than—

Sord.

Brother, I hunger not for such acquaintance: Do you take heed, least:—

Carlo is comming toward them.

Sog.

Husht: my Brother sir, for want of education sir, some-

what nodding to the Boore, the Clowne; but I request you in

priuat sir.

Fung.

By Iesu, it's a very fine sute of cloathes.

GREX.

Cor.

Doe you obserue that, Signior? there's another Hu-

mour has new crackt the shell.

Mit.

{VVhat? he is enamour'd of the Fashion, is hee?

Cor.

O you forestall the jeast.

Fun.

I mar'le what it might stand him in?

Sog.

Nephew?

Fun.

'Fore God it's an excellent Sute, and as neatly becomes

him. VVhat said you Vncle?

Sog.

VVhen saw you my Neece?

Fun.

Mary yesternight I supt there. That kind of Boot does

very rare too.

Sog.

And what newes heare you?

Fun.

The guilt Spurre and all: would I were hang'd, but 'tis

exceeding good. Say you?

Sog.

Your mind is carried away with some what else: I aske

what newes you heare?

Fung.

Troth wee heare none: in good faith I was neuer so

pleas'd with a fashion daies of my life; O and I might haue

but my wish) I'ld aske no more of God now, but such a Suit,

such a Hat, such a Band, such a Doublet, such a Hose, such a

Boot, and such a—

Sog.

They say there's a new Motion of the citie of Nineueh,

with Ionas and the VVhale, to be scene at Fleet-bridge? you

can tell cousin?

Fung.

Here's such a world of question with him now: Yes, I

thinks there be such a thing, I saw the picture: would hee

would once be satisfi'd. Let me see, the Doublet, say fiftie shil-

lings the Doublet, & betwene three or four pound the Hose;

then Bootes, the Hat, and Band: some ten or eleuen pound

would do it all, and suit me for the heauens.

Sog.

I'le see all those deuises, and I come to London once.

Fung.

Gods s'lid, and I could compasse it, 'twere rare: harke

you Vncle.

Sog.

VVhat sayes my Nephew?

Fung.

Faith Vncle, I'ld ha' desir'd you to haue made a mo-

tion for me to my father in a thing, that; walke aside and I'le

tell you sir, no more but this: there's a parcell of Law books,

(some twentie pounds worth) that lie in a place for little more

than halfe the money they cost; and I thinke for some twelue

pound or twentie marke. I could goe neere to redeeme 'hem :

there's Plowden, Diar, Brooke, and Fitz-Herbert; diuers such as I

must haue ere long: and you know I were as good saue fiue or

sixe pound as not, Vncle: I pray you mooue it for me.

Sog.

That I will: when would you haue me do it? presently?

Fung.

O I, I pray you good Vncle: God send me good luck;

Lord (and't be thy will) prosper it: O Iesu; now, now, if it

take (O Christ) I am made for euer.

Fast.

Shall I tell you sir: by this aire I am the most behol-

ding to that Lord, of any Gentleman liuing; hee does vse me

the most honourably, and with the greatest respect, more in-

deed, than can be vtter'd with any opinion of truth.

Punt.

Then haue you, the Count Gratiato?

Fast.

As true noble a Gentleman too as any breaths; I am

exceedingly endear'd to his loue: by Iesu, (I protest to you

Signior, I speake it not gloriously, nor out of affectation, but)

there's he, and the Count Frugale, Signior Illustre, Signior Lu-

culento, and a sort of 'hem; that (when I am at the Court) they

doe share me amongst 'hem. Happie is he can enjoy me most

priuat; I doe wish my selfe sometime an Vbiquitarie for their

loue, in good faith.

Carl.

There's ne're a one of these but might lie a weeke on

the racke, ere they could bring foorth his name; and yet hee

powres them out as familiarly as if hee had seene 'hem stand

by the fire i'the Presence, or ta'ne Tabacco with them ouer the

stage i'the Lords roome.

Punt.

Then you must of necessitie know our Court-starre

there? that Planet of wit, Maddona Saviolina?

Fast.

O Lord Sir! my mistresse.

Punt.

Is shee your mistresse?

Fast.

Faith, here be some slight fauours of hers sir, that doe

speak it, Shee is ; as this Scarfe sir, or this Ribband in mine eare,

or so; this Fether grew in her sweet Fanne sometimes, though

now it be my poore fortunes to weare it as you see sir; slight,

slight; a foolish toy.

Punt.

VVell, shee is the Ladie of a most exalted, and inge-

nous spirit.

Fast.

Did you euer heare any woman speake like her? or

enricht with a more plentifull discourse?

Carl.

O vilanous! nothing but Sound, Sound, a meere Eccho;

shee speaks as shee goes tir'd, in Cobweb lawne, light, thinne:

good enough to catch flies withall.

Punt.

O, manage your affections.

Fast.

VVell, if thou beest not plagu'd for this blasphemie

one day:—

Punt.

Come, regard not a jeaster; it is in the power of my

purse to make him speake well or ill of me.

Fast.

Sir, I affirme it to you (vpon my Credit and Iudge-

ment) shee has the most Harmonious and Musicall straine of

VVit, that euer tempted a true eare; and yet to see, a rude

tongue will profane Heauen.

Punt.

I am not ignorant of it sir.

Fast.

Oh, it flowes from her like Nectar, and shee doth giue

it that sweet, quicke grace, and exornation in the compo-

sure, that (By this good Heauen) she does obserue as pure a Phrase,

and vse as choise Figures in her ordinarie conferences, as any

be i'the Arcadia.

Carl.

Or rather in Greenes works, whence she may steale with

more securitie.

Sord.

VVell, if ten pound will fetch 'hem, you shall haue it,

but I'le part with no more.

Fun.

I'le trie what that will doe, if you please.

Sord.

Doe so: and when you haue 'hem, studie hard.

Fun.

Yes sir: and I could studie to get fortie shillings more

now: well, I will put my selfe into the Fashion, as farre as this

will goe presently.

Sord.

I wonder it raines not! the Almanack sayes we should

haue store of raine to daie.

Pun.

VVhy sir, to morrow I will associate you to the Court

my selfe; and from thence to the Cittie, about a Businesse, a

Project I haue: I will expose it to you sir: Carlo I am sure has

heard of it.

Car.

VVhat's that sir?

Punt.

I doe entend this yeere of Iubile to trauaile: and (be-

cause I will not altogither goe vpon expence) I am determi-

ned to put forth some fiue thousand pound, to be paid me fiue

for one, vpon the returne of my selfe, my VVife, and my Dog,

from the Turkes Court in Constantinople. If all, or either of vs

miscarrie in the journey, 'tis gone: if we be successefull, why,

there will be xxv. thousand pound to entertaine time withall.

Nay, go not neighbour Sordido; stay to night, and help to make

our societie the fuller. Gentlemen, frolicke: Carlo? what? dull

now?

Carl.

I was thinking on your Project sir, and you call it so:

is this the Dog goes with you?

Punt.

This is the Dogge sir.

Carl.

He do'not goe bare-foot, does he?

Punt.

Away you traytour, away.

Carl.

Nay afore God, I speak simply; he may pricke his foot

with a thorne, and be as much as the whole venter is woorth.

Besides, for a Dog that neuer trauail'd before, it's a huge jour-

ney to Constantinople: I'le tell you now (and hee were mine)

I'ld haue some present conference with a Phisician, what An-

tidotes were good to giue him, and Preseruatiues against poi-

son: for (assure you) if once your money be out, there'll be

diuers attempts made against the life of the poore Animal.

Punt.

Thou art still dangerous.

Fast.

Is Signior Deliros wife your kinswoman?

Sog.

I sir, she is my Neece, my brothers daughter here, and

my Nephewes sister.

Sord.

Doe you know her sir?

Fast.

O God sir, Signior Deliro her husband is my Merchant.

Fung.

I, I haue seene this Gentleman there, often.

Fast.

I crie you mercie sir: let me craue your name, pray you.

Fun.

Fungoso sir.

Fast.

Good Signior Fungoso, I shall request to know you bet-

ter sir.

Fun.

I am her brother Sir.

Fast.

In faire time sir.

Pun.

Come Gentlemen, I will be your Conduct.

Fast.

Nay pray you sir; we shall meet at Signior Deliro's often.

Sog.

You shall ha' me at the Heralds office sir, for some week

or so, at my first comming vp. Come Carlo.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Mit.

Me thinks Cordatus, he dwelt somwhat too long on this

Scene; it hung i'the hand.

Cord.

I see not where he could haue insisted lesse, and t'haue

made the Humors perspicuous enough.

Mit.

True, as his Subject lies: but he might haue altered the

shape of Argument, & explicated 'hem better in single Scenes.

Cord.

That had been Single indeed: why? be they not the

same persons in this, as they would haue been in those? and is

it not an object of more State, to behold the Scene full, and re-

lieu'd with varietie of Speakers to the end, than to see a vast

emptie stage, and the Actors come in (one by one) as if they

were dropt down with a feather into the eie of the Audience?

Mit.

Nay, you are better traded with these things than I, and

therefore I'le subscribe to your judgement; mary you shall

giue me leaue to make objections.

Cord.

O what else? it's the speciall intent of the Author you

should do so: for thereby others (that are present) may as well

be satisfied, who happily would object the same you doe.

Mit.

So sir, but when appeares Macilente againe?

Enter Macilente, Deliro, Fido, with hearbs and perfumes.

Cord.

Mary he staies but till our silence giue him leaue: here

he comes, and with him Signior Deliro a merchant, at whose

house he is come to sojourne: Make your owne obscruation

now; onely transferre your thoughts to the Cittie with the

Scene; where, suppose they speake.

SCENA TERTIA.

Deliro.

I'le tell you by and by sir.

VVelcome (good Macilente) to my house,

To sojourne euen for euer; if my best

In cates, and euerie sort of good intreatie

May mooue you stay with me.

Deliro turnes to his boy, and falls a strowing of flowers.

Mac.

I thanke you sir:

And yet the muffled Fates (had it pleas'd them)

Might haue suppli'd me from their owne full store

VVithout this word (I thanke you) to a foole.

I see no reason why that Dog (call'd Chaunce)

Should fawne vpon this fellow more than me:

I am a man, and I haue Limmes, Flesh, Blood,

Bones, Sinewes, and a Soule as well as he:

My parts are euery way as good as his,

If I said better? why I did not lie,

Nath'lesse his wealth (but nodding on my wants)

Must make me bow, and crie: I thanke you Sir.

Deli.

Dispatch, take heed your mistresse see you not.

Fido.

I warrant you sir.

Exit Fido.

Deli.

Nay gentle friend be merrie, raise your lookes

Out of your bosome, I protest (by heauen)

You are the man most welcome in the world.

Mac.

I thanke you Sir, I know my cue I thinke.

Enter Fido with two Censors.

Fido.

VVhere will you haue 'hem burne Sir?.

Deli.

Here good Fido:

VVhat? she did not see thee?

Fido.

No Sir.

Deli.

That's well:

Strew, strew, good Fido, the freshest flowers, so.

Mac.

VVhat meanes this Signior Deliro?

Deli.

Cast in more Frankincence, yet more, well said.

O Macilente, I haue such a wife,

So passing faire, so passing faire vnkind,

And of such worth and right to be vnkind,

(Since no man can be worthie of her kindnesse.)

Mac.

What can there not?

Deli.

No, that is sure as death,

No man aliue: I doe not say is not,

But cannot possibly be worth her kindnesse.

Nay that is certaine, let me doe her Right:

How said I do her Right? as though I could,

As though this dull grosse tongue of mine could vtter

The rare, the true, the pure, the infinite Rights

That sit (as high as I can looke) within her.

Mac.

This is such dotage as was neuer heard.

Deli.

VVell, this must needs be granted.

Maci.

Graunted quoth you?

Deli.

Nay Macilente; doe not so discredit

The goodnesse of your judgement to denie it,

For I doe speake the very least of her.

And I would craue and beg no more of heauen

For all my fortunes here, but to be able

To vtter first in fit tearmes, what she is,

And then the true joies I conceiue in her.

Maci.

Is't possible she should deserue so well

As you pretend?

Deli.

I, and she knowes so well

Her owne deserts that (when I striue t'enjoy them)

She waies the things I doe, with what she merits:

And (seeing my worth outwai'd so in her graces)

She is so solemne, so precise, so froward,

That no obseruance I can doe to her,

Can make her kind to me: if she find fault,

I mend that fault, and then she saies I faulted

That I did mend it. Now good Friend aduise me

How I may temper this strange Splene in her.

Mac.

You are too amorous, too obsequious,

And make her, too assur'd she may commaund you.

VVhen women doubt most of their husbands loues,

They are most louing. Husbands must take heed

They giue no gluts of kindnesse to their wiues,

But vse them like their Horses, whom they feed

Not with a manger-full of meat together,

But halfe a pecke at once, and keepe them so

Still with an appetite to that they giue them.

He that desires to haue a louing wife,

Must bridle all the shew of that desire:

Be kind, not amorous, nor bewraying kindnesse,

As if Loue wrought it, but considerate Dutie:

” Offer no loue-rites, but let wiues still seeke them,

” For when they come vnsought, they seldome like them.

Deli.

Beleeue me Macilente, this is Gospell.

O that a man were his owne man so much,

To rule himselfe thus; I will striue i' faith

To be more strange and carelesse: yet I hope

I haue now taken such a perfect course,

To make her kind to me, and liue contented,

That I shall find my kindnesse well return'd,

And haue no need to fight with my affections.

She (late) hath found much fault with euery roome

VVithin my house; One was too big (she said)

Another was not furnisht to her mind,

And so through all: All which I haue alter'd.

Then here she hath a place (on my backeside)

VVherein shee loues to walke; and that (shee said)

Had some ill smels about it. Now this walke

Haue I (before she knowes it) thus perfum'd

VVith herbes and flowers, and laid in diuerse places

(As 'twere on Altars consecrate to her)

Perfumed Gloues, and delicate chaines of Amber,

To keepe the aire in awe of her sweet nosthrils:

This haue I done, and this I thinke will please her.

Behold she comes.

Enter Fallace.

Fall.

Here's a sweet stinke indeed:

VVhat, shall I euer be thus crost and plagu'd?

And sicke of Husband? O my head doth ake

As it would cleaue asunder with these sauors,

All my Room's alter'd, and but one poore VValke

That I delighted in, and that is made

So fulsome with perfumes, that I am fear'd

(My braine doth sweat so) I haue caught the Plague.

Deli.

VVhy (gentle wife) is now thy VValke too sweet?

Thou said'st of late it had sower aires about it,

And found'st much fault, that I did not correct it.

Fal.

VVhy, and I did find fault Sir?

Deli.

Nay deere wife;

I know thou hast said thou hast lou'd perfumes,

No woman better.

Fall.

I, long since perhaps,

But now that Sence is alterd: you would haue me

(Like to a puddle or a standing poole)

To haue no motion, nor no spirit within me.

No, I am like a pure and sprightly Riuer,

That moues for euer, and yet still the same;

Or fire that burnes much wood, yet still one flame.

Deli.

But yesterday, I saw thee at our garden

Smelling on Roses and on purple flowers,

And since I hope the Humor of thy Sence

Is nothing chang'd.

Fall.

VVhy those were growing flowers,

And these within my walke are cut and strew'd.

Deli.

But yet they haue one sent.

Fall.

I, haue they so?

In your grosse judgement: if you make no difference

Betwixt the sent of growing flowers and cut ones,

You haue a sence to tast Lampe-oyle, yfaith.

And with such judgement haue you chang'd the chambers,

Leauing no roome that I can joy to be in

In all your house: and now my VValke and all

You smoke me from, as if I were a Foxe,

And long belike to driue me quite away:

VVell walke you there, and I'le walke where I list.

Deli.

VVhat shall I doe? oh I shall neuer please her.

Mic.

Out on thee dotard, what starre rul'd his birth?

That brought him such a Starre? blind Fortune still

Bestowes her gifts on such as cannot vse them:

How long shall I liue, ere I be so happie,

To haue a wife of this exceeding Forme?

Away with 'hem, would I had broke a joint,

VVhen I deuis'd this that should so dislike her,

Away, beare all away.

Fido beares all away.

Fall.

I doe: for feare.

Ought that is there should like her. O this man

How cunningly he can conceale himselfe,

As though he lou'd? lou'd? nay honour'd and ador'd?

Deli.

VVhy, my sweet heart?

Fall.

Sweet heart? oh, better still:

And asking, why? wherefore? and looking strangely,

As if he were as white as innocence.

Alas, you'r simple, you: you cannot change,

Looke pale at pleasure, and then red with VVonder:

No, no, not you: I did but cast an amorous eye e'en now

Vpon a paire of Gloues that somwhat likt me,

And straight he noted it, and gaue commaund

All should be ta'ne away.

Deli.

Be they my bane then:

VVhat sirra, Fido, bring in those Gloues againe

Enter Fido.

You tooke from hence.

Fall.

S'body sirra, but do not:

Bring in no Gloues to spite me: if you doe —

Deli.

Ay me, most wretched; how am I misconstru'd?

Mac.

O, how she tempts my heart-strings with her eye,

To knit them to her Beauties, or to breake?

VVhat mou'd the heauens, that they could not make

Me such a woman? but a man; a Beast,

That hath no blisse like to others. VVould to God

(In wreake of my misfortunes) I were turn'd

To some faire water-Nymph, that set vpon

The deepest whirlepit of the rau'nous Seas,

My Adamantine eyes might headlong hale

This Iron world to me, and drowne it all.

Enter Fungoso in Briskes sute.

GREX.

Cord.

Behold, behold, the translated Gallant.

Mit.

O, he is welcome.

Fung.

God saue you Brother, and Sister, God saue you sir;

I haue commendations for you out i'the countrey: (I wonder

they take no knowledge of my Sute:) mine Vncle Sogliardo

is in towne; Sister, me thinkes you are Melancholly: why are

you so sad? I thinke you tooke me for Master Fastidius Briske

(Sister) did you not?

Fall.

VVhy should I take you for him?

Fung.

Nay nothing, I was lately in Maister Fastidius his com-

panie, and me thinkes we are very like.

Deli.

You haue a faire suit Brother, God giue you joy on't.

Fung.

Faith good ynough to ride in Brother, I made it to

ride in.

Fall.

O, now I see the cause of his idle demaund was his

new suit.

Deli.

Pray you good Brother; trie if you can cháge her mood,

Fung.

I warrant you, let mee alone. I'le put her out of her

dumpes. Sister, how like you my suit?

Fall.

O you are a gallant in print now Brother.

Fung.

Faith, how like you the fashion? it's the last Edition I

assure you.

Fall.

I cannot but like it to the desert.

Fung.

Troth sister, I was faine to borrow these Spurres, I ha'

left my gowne in gage for 'hem, pray you lend me an angell.

Fall.

Now beshrow my heart then.

Fung.

Good truth I'le pay you againe at my next exhibiti-

or: I had but bare tenne pound of my father, and it would not

reach to put me wholly into the fashion.

Fall.

I care not.

Fung.

I had Spurres of mine owne before, but they were not

Ginglers. Monsieur Fastidius will be here anone Sister.

Fall.

You jest?

Fung.

Neuer lend me penny more (while you liue then) and

that I'ld be loth to say, in truth.

Fall.

VVhen did you see him?

Fung.

Yesterday, I came acquainted with him at Sir Puntar-

volo's: nay sweet Sister.

Mac.

I faine would know of heauen now, why yond foole

Should weare a suit of Sattin? he? that Rooke?

That painted Iay with such a deale of outside?

VVhat is his inside trow? ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Good Heauen giue me patience,

A number of these Popenjayes there are,

VVhom if a man conferre, and but examine

Their inward merit, with such men as want;

Lord, Lord, what things they are!

Fall.

Come, when will you pay me againe now?

Fung.

O God Sister.

Enter Fastidius Briske in a new suit.

Mac.

Here comes another.

Fast.

Saue you Signior Deliro: how do'st thou sweet Ladie?

Let me kisse thee.

Fung.

How? a new sute? Ay mee.

Deli.

And how do's Maister Fastidius Briske?

Fast.

Faith liue in court Signior Deliro, in grace I thanke

God, both of the noble Masculine and Feminine. I must speake

with you in priuate by and by.

Deli.

VVhen you please Sir.

Fall.

VVhy looke you so pale brother?

Fung.

S'lid all this money is cast away now.

Mac.

I, ther's a newer Edition come forth.

Fung.

Tis but my hard fortune: wel, I'le haue my sute chãg'd,

I'le goe fetch my tailor presently, but first I'le deuise a letter to

my father. Ha' you any pen and inke Sister?

Fall.

VVhat would you doe withall?

Fung.

I would vse it. S'light and it had come but foure daies

sooner the Fashion.

Exit.

Fast.

There was a Countesse gaue mee her hand to kisse to

day i'the presence: 'did me more good by Iesu, then, and ye-

sternight sent her Coach twise to my lodging, to intreat me ac-

companie her, and my sweet mistresse, with some two or three

namelesse Ladies more: O, I haue been grac't by 'hem beyond

all aime of affection: this' her garter my dagger hangs in: and

they doe so commend and approue my apparell, with my ju-

dicious wearing of it, it's aboue wonder.

Fall.

Indeed Sir, 'tis a most excellent suit, and you do weare

it as extraordinarie.

Fast.

VVhy I'le tell you now (in good faith) and by this

Chaire, which (by the grace of God) I entend presently to sit

in, I had three Sutes in one yeere, made three great Ladies in

loue with me: I had other three, vndid three Gentlemen in

imitation: & other three, gat three other Gentlemen, VVid-

dowes of three thousand pound a yeere.

Deli.

Is't possible?

Fast.

O beleeue it sir; your good Face is the VVitch, & your

Apparell the Spells, that bring all the pleasures of the world

into their Circle.

Fall.

Ah, the sweet Grace of a Courtier!

Mac.

VVell, would my father had left me but a good Face

for my portion yet; though I had shar'd the vnfortunate VVit

that goes with it, I had not car'd: I might haue past for some-

what i'the world then.

Fast.

VVhy, assure you Signior, rich apparell has strange

vertues: it makes him that hath it without meanes, esteemed

for an excellent VVit: he that enjoyes it with means, puts the

world in remembrance of his meanes: it helpes the deformi-

ties of Nature, and giues Lustre to her beauties; makes conti-

nuall Holiday where it shines; sets the wits of Ladies at worke,

that otherwise would be idle: furnisheth your two-shilling

Ordinarie; takes possession of your Stage at your new Play;

and enricheth your Oares, as scorning to go with your Scull.

Mac.

Pray you sir, adde this; it giues Respect to your fooles,

makes many Theeues, as many Strumpets, and no fewer

Bankrupts.

Fall.

Out, out, vnworthy to speake where he breatheth.

Fast.

VVhat's he, Signior?

Deli.

A friend of mine, sir.

Fast.

By heauen, I wonder at you Cittizens, what kind of

Creatures you are?

Deli.

VVhy sir?

Fast.

That you can consort your selues with such poore

seame-rent fellowes.

Fall.

He sayes true.

Deli.

Sir I will assure you (how euer you esteeme of him)

hee's a man worthie of regard.

Fast.

VVhy? what ha's he in him of such vertue to bee re-

guarded? ha?

Deli.

Marry he is a Scholler Sir.

Fast.

Nothing else?

Deli.

And he is well trauail'd.

Fast.

He should get him cloths; I would cherish those good

parts of trauell in him, and preferre him to some Nobleman of

good place.

Deli.

Sir, such a benefit should bind me to you for euer (in my

friends right) and I doubt not but his desert shall more than

answere my praise.

Fast.

VVhy, and he had good cloths, I'ld carrie him to the

Court with me to morrow.

Deli.

Hee shall not want for those Sir, if Gold and the whole

Cittie will furnish him.

Fast.

You say well Sir: faith Signior Deliro, I am come to haue

you play the Alchymist with me, and chaunge the Species of my

land, into that mettall you talke of.

Deli.

VVith all my heart Sir, what summe will serue you?

Fast.

Faith some three or foure score pound.

Deli.

Troth Sir I haue promist to meet a Gentleman this

morning in Paules, but vpon my returne I'le dispatch you.

Fast.

I'le accompanie you thither.

Deli.

As you please Sir; but I goe not thither directly.

Fast.

'Tis no matter, I haue no other designement in hand,

and therefore as good goe along.

Deli.

I were as good haue a Quartane feauer follow me now,

for I shall ne're bee rid of him: (bring me a Cloke there one)

Still vpon his grace at the Court am I sure to be visited; I was

a beast to giue him any hope. VVel, would I were in that I am

out with him once, and.—Come Signior Macilente, I must cõ-

ferre with you as wee goe. Nay deere wife, I beseech thee for-

sake these moods: looke not like winter thus. Here take my

keies, open my counting houses, spread all my wealth before

thee, choose any object that delights thee: If thou wilt eate

the spirit of Gold, and drinke dissolu'd Pearle in wine, 'tis

for thee.

Fall.

So Sir.

Deli.

Nay my sweet wife.

Fall.

Good Lord! how you are perfumed in your tearmes

and all: pray you leaue vs.

Deli.

Come Gentlemen.

Fast.

Adiew, sweet Ladie.

Exeunt all but Fallace.

Fall.

I, I, Let thy words euer sound in mine eares, and thy

Graces disperse contentment through all my sences: O, how

happie is that Ladie aboue other Ladies, that enjoyes so ab-

solute a Gentleman to her Seruant! A Countesse giue him

her hand to kisse! ah foolish Countesse; hee's a man worthie

(if a woman may speake of a mans worth) to kisse the lips of

an Empresse.

Enter Fungoso, with his Taylor.

Fun.

VVhat's Master Fastidius gone, Sister?

Fall.

I brother: he has a Face like a Cherubin.

Fun.

Gods me, what lucke's this? I haue fetcht my Tay-

lor and all: which way went he Sister? can you tell?

Fall.

Not I, in good faith: and hee has a Bodie like an An-

gell.

Fun.

How long is't since he went?

Fall.

VVhy but e'en now: did you not meet him? and a

Tongue able to rauish any woman i'the earth.

Fun.

O, for Gods sake (I'le please you for your paines:) but

e'en now, say you? Come good sir: S'lid I had forgot it too:

Sister, if any body aske for mine Vncle Sogliardo, they shall ha'

him at the Heralds Office yonder by Paules.

Exit, with his Taylor.

Fall.

VVell, I will not altogither despaire: I haue heard of

a Cittizens wife has been belou'd of a Courtier; and why not

I? heigh ho: well, I will into my priuat Chamber, locke the

dore to me, and thinke ouer all his good parts one after an-

other.

Exit.

GREX.

Mit.

VVell, I doubt this last Scene will endure some grie-

uous Torture.

Cord.

How? you feare 'twill be rackt by some hard Constru-

ction?

Mit.

Doe not you?

Cord.

No in good faith: vnlesse mine eyes could light mee

beyond Sence, I see no reason why this should be more Liable

to the Racke than the rest: you'le say perhaps the Cittie will

not take it wel, that the Merchant is made here to dote so per-

fectly vpon his wife; and shee againe, to be so Fastidiouslyaffec-

ted, as she is?

Mit.

You haue vtter'd my thought sir, indeed.

Cord.

VVhy (by that proportion) the Court might as well

take offence at him we call the Courtier, and with much more

Pretext, by how much the place transcends and goes before

in dignitie and vertue: but can you imagine that any Noble

or true spirit in the Court (whose Sinewie, and altogither vn-

affected graces, very worthily expresse him a Courtier) will

make any exception at the opening of such an emptie Trunk

as this Briske is? or thinke his owne worth empeacht by behol-

ding his motley inside?

Mit.

No Sir, I doe not.

Cord.

No more, assure you, will any graue wise Cittizen, or

modest Matron, take the object of this Follie in Deliro and his

VVife; but rather apply it as the foile to their owne vertues:

For that were to affirme, that a man writing of Nero, should

meane all Emperours: or speaking of Machiavell, comprehend

all States-men; or in our Sordido, all Farmars; and so of the

rest: than which, nothing can bee vtter'd more malicious

and absurd. Indeed there are a sort of these narrow-ey'd De-

cipherers, I confesse, that will extort straunge and abstruse

meanings out of any Subject, bee it neuer so Conspicuous

and Innocently deliuerd. But to such (where e're they sit con-

ceald) let them know, the Authour defies them, and their

writing-Tables; and hopes, no sound or safe judgement

will infect it selfe with their contagious Comments, who

(indeed) come here only to pervert and poyson the sence of

what they heare, and for nought else.

Mit.

Stay, what new Mute is this that walkes so suspiciously?

ACTUS TERTIUS, SCENA PRIMA.

Enter Cavalier Shift, with two Siquisses in his hand.

Cord.

O, marry this is one, for whose better Illustration; we

must desire you to presuppose the Stage, the middle Isle in

Paules; and that, the VVest end of it.

Mit.

So Sir: and what followes?

Cord.

Faith a whole volume of Humor, and worthie the vn-

clasping.

Mit.

As how? what name doe you giue him first?

Cord.

Hee hath shift of names Sir: some call him Apple Iohn,

some Signior Whiffe, marry his maine standing name is Cavalier

Shift: the rest are but as cleane shifts to his Natures.

Mit.

And what makes he in Paules now?

Cord.

Troth as you see, for the aduancement of a Siquis or two;

wherein he has so varied himselfe, that if any one of 'hem take,

he may hul vp and down i'the Humorous world a litle longer:

Mit.

It seemes then, he beares a very changing saile?

Cord.

O, as the wind Sir: here comes more.

Enter Orenge.

Shift.

This is rare, I haue set vp my bils without discouerie.

Oren.

VVhat?Signior Whiffe? what fortune has brought you

into these VVest parts?

Shift.

Troth Signior, nothing but your Rheume; I haue ben

taking an ounce of Tabacco hard by here with a gentleman,

and I am come to spit priuate in Paules. God saue you Sir.

Oren.

Adieu good Signior Whiffe.

Enter Cloue.

Cloue.

Maister Apple Iohn? you are well met: when shall wee

sup together, and laugh and be fat with those good wenches?

ha?

Shift.

Faith Sir, I must now leaue you, vpon a few Humours

and occasions: but when you please Sir.

Exit.

Cloet.

Farewell sweet Apple Iohn: I wonder there are no more

store of Gallants here[unclear]

GREX.

Mit.

VVhat be these two, Signior?

Cor.

Mary a couple sir, that are meere straungers to the

Whole scope of our Play; only come to walke a turne

or two i'this Scene of Paules by chaunce.

They walke togither.

Oren.

Saue you, good Master Cloue.

Cloue.

Sweet Master Orenge.

GREX.

Mit.

How?Cloue, and Orenge?

Cor.

I, & they are well met, for 'tis as dry an Orenge as euer

Grew: nothing but Salutation, and O God sir, and It pleases

you to say so Sir; one that can laugh at a jest for cōpanie with a

most plausible, and extemporall grace; and some houre af-

ter in priuate aske you what it was: the other, Monsieur

Cloue, is a more spic't youth: he will sit you a whole afternoon

sometimes, in a book-sellers shop, reading the Greeke, Ita-

lian, and Spanish; when hee vnderstands not a word of ei-

ther: if hee had the Tongues to his Sutes, he were an excel-

lent Linguist.

Cloue.

Doe you heare this reported for certeintie?

Oreng.

O good sir.

Enter Puntarvolo, Carlo: two seruing men following,
one leading the Dogge.

Punt.

Sirrah, take my Cloake: and you sir knaue, follow

me closer: if thou loosest my Dogge, thou shalt die a Dogges

death; I will hang thee.

Carl.

Tut, feare him not, hee's a good leane slaue, hee loues

a Dogge well I warrant him; I see by his lookes, I: masse hee's

somewhat like him. Sblood poyson him, make him away with

a crooked pinne, or somwhat man; thou maist haue more se-

curitie of thy life: and so Sir, what? you ha' not put out your

whole venter yet? ha' you?

Punt.

No, I doe want yet some fifteene or sixteene hundred

pounds: but my Ladie (my wife) is out of her Humor; she does

not now goe.

Carl.

No? how then?

Punt.

Mary, I am now enforc't to giue it out, vpon the re-

turne of my selfe, my Dogge, and my Cat.

Carl.

Your Cat? where is shee?

Punt.

My Squire has her there in the Bag: Sirrah, looke to

her: How lik'st thou my change, Carlo?

Car.

Oh, for the better sir; your Cat has nine liues, & your

wife ha' but one.

Punt.

Besides, shee will neuer be Sea-sicke, which will saue

me so much in Conserues: when saw you Signior Sogliardo?

Car.

I came from him but now, hee is at the Heralds Office

yonder: hee requested me to goe afore and take vp a man or

two for him in Paules, against his Cognisance was readie.

Punt.

VVhat? has he purchast armes then?

Car.

I, and rare ones too: of as many Colours, as e're you

saw any fooles coat in your life. I'le go look among yond' Bills,

and I can fit him with Legs to his Armes.

Punt.

VVith Legs to his Arms! Good: I will go with you sir.

They goe to looke vpon the Bills.
Enter Fastidius, Deliro, and Macilente.

Fast.

Come, lets walke in the Mediterraneum: I assure you sir

I am not the least respected among Ladies; but let that passe:

doe you know how to goe into the Presence Sir?

Mac.

VVhy, on my feet sir.

Fast.

No, on your head sir: for 'tis that must beare you out,

I assure you: as thus sir: You must first haue an especiall care

so to weare your Hat, that it oppresse not confusedly this your

Predominant or Fore-top; because (when you come at the

Presence dore) you may with once or twice stroking vp your

Forehead thus, enter with your Predominant perfect: that is,

standing vp stiffe.

Mac.

As if one were frighted?

Fast.

I sir.

Mac.

VVhich indeed, a true feare of your Mistresse should

doe, rather than Gumme water, or whites of Egges: is't not

so Sir?

Fast.

An Ingenious obseruation: giue mee leaue to craue

your name sir.

Deli.

His name is Macilente sir.

Fast.

Good Signior Macilente: if this Gentleman, Signior

Deliro, furnish you (as he saies he will) with clothes, I will bring

you to morrow by this time into the Presence of the most Di-

uine and Acute Ladie of the Court: you shall see sweet Silent

Rhetorique, and Dumbe Eloquence speaking in her eye; but

when shee speakes her selfe, such an Anatomie of VVit, so

Sinewiz'd and Arteriz'd, that 'tis the goodliest Modell of

pleasure that euer was, to behold. Oh, shee strikes the world

into Admiration of her; (O,O,O) I cannot expresse 'hem be-

leeue me.

Mac.

O, your onely Admiration, is your silence, sir.

Punt.

'Fore God Carlo, this is good; let's read 'hem againe:

If there be any Ladie, or Gentlewoman of good carriage, that is desirous

to entertaine (to her priuat vses) a young, straight, and vpright Gen-

tleman, of the age of fiue, or sixe and twentie at the most: who can serue

in the nature of a Gentleman Vsher, and hath little legges of purpose, and

a blacke Satten Sute of his owne to goe before her in: which Sute (for the

more sweetning) now lyes in Lauander: and can hide his face with her

Fanne, if need require: or sit in the cold at the stayre foot for her as well as

an other Gentleman: Let her subscribe her Name and Place, and dili-

gent respcct shall bee giuen. This is aboue measure excellent:

ha?

Carl.

No this, this: here's a fine slaue.

Punt.

If this Cittie, or the Sub-urbs of the same, doe affourd any yong

Gentleman, of the first, second, or third head, more or lesse, whose friends

are but lately deceased, & whose lands are but new come to his hands, that

(to bee as exactly qualified as the best of our Ordinarie Gallants are)

is affected to entertaine the most Gentlemanlike vse of Tabacco: as

first, to giue it the most exquisite Perfume: then, to know all the deli-

cate sweet Formes for the Assumption of it: as also the rare Corollarie and

practise of the Cuban Ebolition, EVRIPVS, and Whiffe; which hee

shall receiue or take in here at London, and evaporate at Vxbridge, or far-

der, if it please him. If there be any such Generous spirit, that is truly en-

amour'd of these good faculties: May it please him, but (by a note of his

hand) to specifie the place, or Ordinarie where he vses to eat and Lie, and

most sweete attendance with Tabacco, and Pipes of the best sort shall be

ministred: STET QVÆSO CANDIDE LECTOR. why

this is without Paralell, this!

Carlo.

VVell, I'le marke this fellow for Sogliardo's vse pre-

sently.

Punt.

Or rather, Sogliardo for his vse.

Carlo.

Faith either of 'hem will serue, they are both good

Properties: I'le designe the other a place too, that we may see

him.

Punt.

No better place than the Mitre, that we may be Spe-

ctators with you Carlo. Soft, behold, who enters here: Signior

Sogliardo! God saue you.

Enter Sog.

Sog.

Saue you good sir Puntarvolo; your Dogge's in health

sir I see: how now Carlo?

Carl.

VVe haue ta'ne simple paines to choose you out fol-

lowers here.

Punt.

Come hither Signior.

They shew him the Bills.

Cloue.

Monsieur Orenge, yond' Gallants obserues vs; pr'y

thee let's talke Fustian a little and gull 'hem: make 'hem be-

leeue we are great Schollers.

Oreng.

O Lord sir.

Cloue.

Nay, pr'ythee let's, by Iesu: you haue an excellent

habit in discourse.

Oreng.

It pleases you to say so sir.

Cloue.

By this Church you ha' la: nay come, begin: Ari-

stotle in his Dæmonologia approoues Scaliger for the best Nauigator in his

time: and in his Hypercritiques, hee reports him to be Heautontimorume-

nos: you vnderstand the Greeke sir?

Oreng.

O God sir.

Mac.

For societies sake hee does. O here be a couple of fine

tame Parrats.

Cloue.

Now Sir, VVhereas the Ingenuitie of the time, and the

soules Synderisis are but Embrions in Nature, added to the panch

of Esquiline, and the Inter-vallum of the Zodiack, besides the Eclip-

ticke line being Opticke, and not Mentall, but by the contemplatiue

and Theoricke part thereof, doth demonstrate to vs the vegetable

circumference, and the ventositie of the Tropicks, and whereas our

intellectuall or mincing capreall, (according to the Metaphisickes) as

you may read in Flato's Histriomastix. You conceiue me Sir?

Oren.

O Lord Sir.

Cloue.

Then comming to the pretie Animall, as Reason long since

is fled to Animals you know, or indeed for the more modellizing

or enamelling, or rather diamondizing of your subiect, you shall

perceiue the Hipothesis or Galaxia, (whereof the Meteors long

since had their Initiall inceptions and Notions) to be meerely Pitha-

goricall, Mathematicall, and Aristocraticall: for looke you Sir, there is

cuer a kind of Concinnitie and Species. Let us turne to our former

discourse, for they marke vs not.

Fast.

Masse, yonder's the knight Puntarvolo.

Deli.

And my cousin Sogliardo me thinkes.

Mac.

I, and his familiar that haunts him, the Deuill with a

shining face.

Deli.

Let 'hem alone, obserue 'hem not.

Sogliardo, Punt. Car. walke.

Sog.

Nay I will haue him, I am resolute for that, by this Parch-

ment Gentlemen, I haue ben so toil'd among the Harrots yon-

der, you will not beleeue, they doe speake i'the straungest lan-

guage, and giue a man the hardest termes for his money, that

euer you knew.

Carl.

But ha' you armes? ha' your armes?

Sog.

Yfaith, I thanke God I can write my selfe Gentleman

now, here's my Pattent, it cost me thirtie pound by this breath.

Punt.

A very faire Coat, well charg'd and full of Armorie.

Sog.

Nay, it has as much varietie of colours in it, as you haue

seene a Coat haue, how like you the Crest Sir?

Punt.

I vnderstand it not well, what is't?

Sog.

Marry Sir, it is your Bore without a head Rampant.

Punt.

A Bore without a head, that's very rare.

Carl.

I, and Rampant too: troth I commend the Heralds wit,

he has deciphered him well: A Swine without a head, without

braine, wit, any thing indeed, Ramping to Gentilitie. You can

blazon the rest signior? can you not?

Sog.

O I, I haue it in writing here of purpose, it cost me two

shillings the tricking.

Carl.

Let's heare, Let's heare.

Punt.

It is the most vile, foolish, absurd, palpable, and ridicu-

lous Escutcheon that ener this eye survis'd. Saue you good

Mounsieur Fastidius.

They salute as they meet
in the walke.

Carl.

Silence good knight: on, on.

Sog.

GYRONY of eight peeces, AZVRE and GVLES,

between three plates a CHEV'RON engrailed checkey, OR,

VERT and ERMINES; on a cheefe ARGENT between

two ANN'LETS, sables a Bores head PROPER

Carl.

How's that? on a cheefe ARGENT?

Sog.

On a cheefe ARGENT, a Bores head PROPERbe-

tweene two ANN'LETS sables.

Carl.

S'lud, it's a Hogs Cheeke and Puddings in a Peuter

field this.

Sog.

How like you them signior?

Punt.

Let the word be, Not without

mustard, your Crest is very rare sir.

Here they Shift, Fast. mixes
with Punt. Carl. and Sogli.
Deliro and Macilente, Cloue
and Orenge, foure couple.

Carl.

A frying pan to the Crest had had no fellow.

Fast.

Intreat your poore friend to walke off a little Signior,

I will salute the knight.

Carl.

Come, lap't vp, lap't vp.

Fast.

You are right wel encoūtred sir, how do's your fair Dog?

Punt.

In reasonable state sir, what Cittizen is that you were

consorted with? a merchant of any worth?

Fast.

'Tis Signior Deliro sir.

Punt.

Is it he? Saue you sir.

Deli.

Good sir Puntarvolo.

Salute.

Mac.

O what Copie of foole would this place minister to one

endew'd with Patience to obserue it?

Car.

Nay looke you sir, now you are a Gentleman, you must

carry a more exalted presence, change your mood and habite

to a more austere forme, be exceeding proud, stand vpon your

Gentilitie, and scorne euery man. Speak nothing humbly, ne-

uer discourse vnder a Nobleman, though you ne're saw him but

riding to the Starre-chamber, it's all one. Loue no man, Trust no

man, Speake ill of no man to his face, nor well of any man be-

hind his backe. Salute fairly on the front, and wish 'hem hangd

vpon the turne. Spread your selfe vpon his bosome publickely,

whose heart you would eat in priuat. These be principles, think

on 'hem, I'le come to you againe presently.

Exit Car. Sogliardo mixes with Punt. and Fast.

Pun.

Sirah, keep close, yet not so close, thy breath wil thaw my

ruffe.

Sog.

O good cousin, I am a little busie, how do's my neece, I

am to walk with a knight here.

Enter Fung. with his Tailor.

Fung.

O he is here, look you sir, that's the Gentleman!

Tail.

VVhat he i'the blush-colour'd Sattin?

Fun.

I, he sir, though his Sute blush, he blushes not: look you,

that's the Sute sir: I would haue mine, such a Sute without diffe-

rẽce, such Stuffe, such a VVing, such a Sleeue, such a Skirt, Belly

& all; therfore, pray you obserue it. Haue you a pair of Tables?

Fast.

VVhy do you see sir? they say I am Phantastical: why true,

I know it, & I pursue my Humor stil in cõtempt of this censorious

age: S'light & a man should do nothing but what a sort of stale

iudgemẽts about this town wil approue in him, he were a sweet

Asse, Il'd beg him yfaith: I ne're knew any more find fault with a

fashion, then they that knew not how to put themselues into't.

For mine owne part, so I please mine own appetite, I am care-

lesse what the fustie VVorld speakes of me, puh:

Fung.

Doe you marke how it hangs at the knee there?

Tail.

I warrant you sir.

Fung.

For Gods sake do, note all: do you see the Coller sir?

Tail.

Feare nothing, it shall not differ in a stitch sir.

Fun.

Pray God it do not, you'le make these linings serue? &

helpe me to a Chapman for the outside, will you?

Tail.

I'le doe my best sir: you'le put it off presently?

Fung.

I, goe with me to my chamber you shall haue it, but

make hast of it, for the loue of Christ, for I'le sit i' my old sute,

or else lie a bed and read the Arcadia, till you haue done.

Exit with tailor.

Enter Car.

Carl.

O, if euer you were strucke with a jest, gallants, now,

now. I doe vsher the most strange peece of Militarie Professi-

on, that euer was discouer'd in Insula Paulina.

Fast.

VVhere? where?

Punt.

VVhat is he for a Creature?

Car.

A Pimpe, a Pimpe, that I haue obseru'd yonder, the ra-

restSuperficies of a Humor; hee comes euery morning to emptie

his lungs in Paules here, and offers vp some fiue or six Hecatomb's

of faces and sighes, and away againe. Here he comes; nay walk,

walke, be not seene to note him, and wee shall haue excellent

sport.

Enter Shift:
Walkes by, and vses action to his Rapier.

Punt.

S'lid he vented a sigh e'ne now, I thought hee would

haue blowne vp the church.

Carl.

O you shall haue him giue a number of those false fires

ere he depart.

Fast.

See now he is expostulating with his Rapier, Looke,

Looke.

Carl.

Did you euer in your daies obserue better passion ouer

a hilt?

Punt.

Except it were in the person of a Cutlers boy, or that

the fellow were nothing but Vapour, I should thinke it im-

possible.

Carl.

See, again, he claps his sword o'the head, as who should

say, VVell, goe to.

Fast.

O violence, I wonder the blade can containe it selfe,

being so prouokt.

Carl.

With that, the moodie Squire thumpt his brest,

And rear'd his eyen to Heauen for Reuenge.

Sog.

Troth, and you be Gentlemen, Let's make 'hem friends,

and take vp the matter betweene his Rapier and he.

Car.

Nay, if you intend that, you must lay downe the mat-

ter, for this Rapier (it seemes) is in the nature of a Hanger on.

and the good Gentleman would happily be rid of him.

Fast.

By my faith, and 'tis to be suspected, I'le aske him.

Mac.

O here's rich stuffe, for Christ sake, let vs goe,

A man would wish himselfe a sencelesse pillar,

Rather than view these monstrous prodigies:

Nil habet in fœlix Paupertas durius inse,

Quam quod Ridiculos homines facit.

Exit, with Deliro.

Fast.

Signior.

Shift.

At your seruice.

Fast.

VVill you sell your Rapier?

Carl.

Sbloud he is turn'd wild vpon the question, hee lookes

as he had seene a Serjeant.

Shift.

Sell my Rapier? now God blesse me.

Punt.

Amen.

Shift.

You ask't me, if I would sell my Rapier Sir?

Fast.

I did indeed.

Shift.

Now Lord haue mercie vpon me.

Punt.

Amen I say still.

Shift.

S'lud Sir, what should you behold in my face Sir, that

should moue you (as they say Sir) to aske me Sir, if I would sell

my Rapier?

Fast.

Nay (let me pray you Sir) bee not mou'd: I protest I

would rather haue been silent than any way offensiue, had I

knowne your nature.

Shift.

Sell my Rapier? Gods lid: Nay Sir (for mine own part)

as I am a man that has seru'd in causes, or so, so I am not apt to

injure any Gentleman in the degree of falling foule, but: sell

my Rapier? I will tell you Sir, I haue seru'd with this foolish Ra-

pier, where some of vs dare not appeare in hast, I name no man:

but let that passe; Sell my Rapier? Death to my Lungs. This

Rapier Sir, has trauail'd by my side Sir, the best part of Fraunce

and the low Countrey: I haue seene Vlishing, Brill, and the

Haghe with this Rapier sir, in my Lord of Leyster's time: and (by

Gods will) he that should offer to disrapier me now, I would. —

Looke you sir, you presume to bee a Gentleman of good sort,

and so likewise your friends here, If you haue any disposition

to trauell, for the sight of seruice or so, One, two, or all of you,

I can lend you letters to diuers Officers and Commaunders in

the Low Countries, that shall for my cause do you all the good

offices that shall pertaine or belong to Gentlemen of your —

Please you to shew the Bountie of your mind Sir, to impart

some ten groates or halfe a Crowne to our vse, till our abilitie

be of grow'th to returne it, and we shall thinke our selfe.—

Sbloud, sell my Rapier?

Sog.

I pray you what said he Signior, hee's a proper man.

Fast.

Mary hee tells me, If I please to shew the bountie of

my mind, to impart some ten groats to his vse or so.

Punt.

Breake his head, and giue it him.

Carl.

I thought he had been playing on the Iewes Trump I.

Shift.

My Rapier? no Sir: my Rapier is my Guard, my De-

fence, my Reuenew, my Honour: (if you cannot impart bee

secret I beseech you) and I will maintaine it, where there is a

graine of dust or a drop of water: (hard is the choise when the

valiant must eat their Armes or clem:) Sell my Rapier? no my

Deare, I will not be diuorc't from thee yet, I haue euer found

thee true as Steele: and (you cannot impart Sir) God saue you

Gentlemen: (neuerthelesse if you haue a fancie to it sir.)

Fact.

Pr'y thee away: is Signior Deliro departed?

Car.

Ha' you seene a Pimpe out-face his owne wants better.

Sog.

I commend him, that can dissemble them so well.

Punt.

True, and hauing no better a cloake for it than he has

neither.

Fast.

Gods precious, what mischieuous lucke is this: adiew

Gentlemẽ.

Punt.

VVhither? in such hast, Monsieur Fastidius?

Fact.

After my Merchant, Signior Deliro sir.

Carl.

O hinder him not, he may hap loose his Tide, a good

Flounder i' faith.

Exit.

Oren.

Harke you Sig. Whiffe, a word with you.

Carl.

How? Signior Whiffe?

Oren. & Cloue call Shift aside.

Oren.

VVhat was the difference betweene that young Gal-

lant that's gone, and you sir.

Shift.

No difference: hee would ha' giu'n me fiue pound for

my Rapier, and I refus'd it; that's all.

Clou.

O, was it no otherwise? we thought you had ben vpon

some terms.

Shift.

No other than you saw sir.

Clou.

Adieu good Master Apple Iohn.

Exeũt Oren. & Cloue.

Carl.

How?Whiffe, and Apple Ioan too? 'Hart, what'll you say

if this be the Appendix, or Labell to both yond' Indentures?

Punt.

It may be.

Car.

Resolue vs of it Ianus, thou that lookst

euery way; or thou Hercules, that hast trauail'd all Countries.

Pun.

Nay Carlo, spend not time in Inuocations now; 'tis late.

Car.

Signior, here's a Gentleman desirous of your name sir.

Shift.

Sir, my name is Caualier Shift: I am knowne sufficiently

in this walke sir.

Carl.

Shift? I heard your name varied e'en now, as I take it.

Shift.

True sir, it pleases the world (as I am her excellent

Tabacconist) to giue me the Style of Signior Whiffe: as I am a

poore Esquire about the towne here, they call me Master Ap-

ple Iohn: varietie of good names does well sir.

Carl.

I, and good parts, to make those good names: out of

which I imagine yond' Bills to be yours.

Shift.

Sir, if I should denie the Scriptures, I were worthy to be

banisht the middle I'le for euer.

Carl.

I take your word Sir: this Gentleman has subscrib'd to

'hem, & is most desirous to become your Pupil; mary yon must

vse expedition: Signior Insulso Sogliardo, this is the Professor.

Sog.

In good time sir, nay good sir house your head, doe you

professe these sleights in Tabacco?

Shift.

I doe more than professe sir, and (if you please to be a

practioner) I wil vndertake in one fortnight to bring you, that

you shall take it plausibly in any Ordinarie, Theatre, or the

Tilt-yard if need be; the most popular assembly that is.

Punt.

But you cannot bring him to the Whiffe so soone?

Shift.

Yes as soone sir; he shall receiue the 1, 2, and 3 Whiffe,

if it please him, & (vpon the receit) take his horse, drinke his

three cups of Canarie, and expose one at Hounslow, a second

at Stanes, and a third at Bagshot.

Carl.

Baw-waw.

Sog.

You wil not serue me sir, will you I'le giue you more thã

Countenance.

Shift.

Pardon me sir, I doe scorne to serue any man.

Carl.

VVho? he serue? Sbloud he keeps High men, & Low

men, he; he has a faire liuing at Fullam.

Shift.

But in the nature of a fellow, I'le bee your follower if

you please.

Sog.

Sir you shall stay and dine with me, and if we can agree,

weele not part in hast: I am very bountifull to men of quali-

tie. VVhere shall we go Signior.

Punt.

Your Miter is your best house.

Shift.

I can make this dog take as many whiffes as I list, and

he shall retaine or efume them at my pleasure.

Punt.

By your patience, follow me fellowes.

Sog.

Sir Puntarvolo.

Punt.

Pardon me, my Dog shall not eat in his companie for

a Million.

Exit Puntarvolo with his followers.

Carl.

Nay be not you amaz'd signior Whiffe, what e're that

stiffeneckt Gentleman say's.

Sog.

No, for you doe not know the Humor of the dog as wee

do: where shall we dine Carlo? I would faine goe to one of these

Ordinaries now I am a Gentleman.

Carl.

So you may, were you neuer at none yet?

Sog.

No faith, but they say there resorts your most choise

gallants.

Car.

True, and the fashion is, when any straunger comes in

amongst 'hem, they all stand vp and stare at him, as hee were

some vnknowne beast brought out of Affricke, but that 'll bee

help't with a good adventurous face, you must bee impudent

ynough, sit downe, and vse no respect, when any thing 's pro-

pounded aboue your capacitie, smile at it, make two or three

faces, and 'tis excellent, they'le thinke you haue trauail'd:

though you argue a whole day in Silence thus, and discourse in

nothing but Laughter, 'twill passe, Onely (now and then) giue

fire, Discharge a good full Oth, and offer a great VVager,

'twill be admirable.

Sog.

I warrant you, I am resolute, come good Signior, theres

a poore French crowne for your Ordenarie.

Shift.

It comes well, for I had not so much as the least Port-

cullice of coine before.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Mit.

I trauell with another objection Signior, which I feare

will be enforc'd against the Author, ere I can be deliuer'd of it.

Cord.

VVhat's that sir?

Mit.

That the argument of his Comedie might haue ben of

some other nature, as of a Duke to be in loue with a Countesse,

& that Countesse to be in loue with the Dukes son, & the son to

loue the Ladies waiting maid: some such crosse woing, with a

Clowne to their seruingman, better than to be thus neere and

familiarly allied to the time.

Cord.

You say well, but I would faine hear one of these Au-

tumne-judgements define once, Quid sit Comœdia? if he cannot,

let him content himselfe with Ciceros definition (till hee haue

strength to propose to himself a better) who would haue a Co-

medie to be Imitatio vita, Speculum Consuetudinis, Imago veritatis, a

thing throughout pleasant and ridiculous, and accommodated

to the correction of manners: if the maker haue fail'd in any

particle of this, they may worthily taxe him, but if not, why;

be you (that are for them) silent, as I will bee for him; and giue

way to the Actors.

SCENA SECUNDA.

Enter Sordido with a halter about his necke.

Sord.

Nay Gods-pretious, if the weather and the Season be

so respectlesse, that Beggers shall liue as well as their betters;

and that my hunger and thirst for Riches, shall not make them

hunger and thirst with Pouertie, that my sleepes shall be bro-

ken, and their hearts not broken; that my coffers shall be full,

and yet care; theirs emptie, and yet merry: Tis time that a

Crosse should beare flesh and bloud, since flesh and bloud can-

not beare this crosse.

GREX.

Mit.

VVhat will he hang himselfe?

Cor.

{Faith I, it seemes his Prognostication has not kept

touch with him, and that makes him despaire.

Mit.

Beshrow me, he wil be out of his Humor then indeed.

Sord.

Tut, these star-monger knaues, who would trust 'hem?

one saies, darke and rainie, when 'tis as cleare as Christall; ano-

ther saies, tempestuous blasts, and stormes, and 'twas as calme

as a Milke bowle; here be sweet rascals for a man to credite his

whole fortunes with: You skie-staring Cocks combes you: you

fat braines, out upon you; you are good for nothing but to

sweat night-caps and make rug-gownes deare: you learned

men, and haue not a Legion of Deuils, a vostre seruice: a vostre ser-

uice? By heauen I thinke I shall die a better scholler than they,

but soft, how now sirah.

Enter a Hind with a letter.

Hind.

Here's a letter come from your Sonne sir.

Sord.

From my Sonne sir? what would my Sonne sir? some

good newes no doubt.

The letter.

Sweet and deare father, (desiring you first to send mee your blessing,

which is more worth to me than Gold or Siluer) I desire you likewise to bee

aduertised, that this Shrouetide (contrarie to custome) wee vse alwaies to

haue Reuels; which is indeed Dauncing, and makes an excellent shew in

truth; especially if wee Gentlemen bee well attir'd, which our Seniors note,

and thinke the better of our fathers, the better wee are maintain'd, and

that they shall know if they come vp, and haue any thing to doe in the

Law: therefore good Father, these are (for your owne sake as well as mine)

to re-desire you, that you let me not want that which is fit for the setting vp

of our name in the honourable volume of Gentilitie, that I may say to our

Calumnators with Tullie, EGO SVM ORTVS DOMVS

MEÆ, TV OCCASVS TVÆ. And thus (not doubting of your

fatherly Beneuolence) I humbly ask you blesing, and pray God to blesse you.

Yours, if his owne.

How's this?Yours, if his owne? is he not my Sonne, except he be

his owne Sonne. Belike this is some new kind of subscription

the Gallants vse. VVell, wherefore doest thou stay knaue?

Away: goe.

Exit Hind.

Here's a letter

indeed; Reuels? and benevolence? is this a weather to send be-

neuolence? or is this a season to reuell in? Slid the Deuill and

all takes part to vexe me I thinke: this letter would neucr haue

come now else, now, now, when the sunne shines, and the aire

thus cleare. Soule if this hold, we shall shortly haue an excel-

lent crop of Corne spring out of the high waies, the Streets,

and Houses of the towne will be hid with the rankenesse of the

fruits that grow there in spight of good Husbandrie. Goe to

I'le preuent the sight of it, come as quickly as it can, I will pre-

uent the sight of it. I haue this remedie Heauen: stay; I'le trie

the paine thus a little, O, nothing, nothing. VVell now: shall

my sonne gaine a beneuolence by my death? or any bodie be

the better for my Gold or so forth? No. Aliue, I kept it frõ 'hem,

and (dead) my ghost shall walke about it and preserue it, my

Sonne and Daughter shal sterue ere they touch it, I haue hid it

as deepe as Hell from the sight of Heauen, and to it I go now.

Falls off.

Enter Rustici, 5 or 6, one after another.

Rust. 1

Aye me, what pitifull sight is this? helpe, helpe, help!

Rust. 2

How now? what's the matter?

Rust. 1

O here's a man has hang'd himselfe, helpe to get

him againe.

Rust. 2

Hang'd himselfe? Slid carry him afore a Iustice, 'tis

chance medley on my word.

Rust. 3

How now, what's here to do?

Rust. 4

How comes this?

Rust. 2

One has executed himselfe contrarie to the order of

Law, and by my consent he shall answer't.

Rust. 5

VVould he were in case to answere it.

Rust. 1

Stand by, he recouers, giue him breath.

Sord.

Oh.

Rust. 5

Masse, 'twas well you went the footway neighbour.

Rust. 1

I, and I had not cut the halter.

Sord.

How? cut the halter? Aye me, I am vn-done, I am vn-

done.

Rust. 2

Marry if you had not been vndone, you had beene

hang'd I can tell you.

Sord.

You thredbare horse-bread eating rascals, if you would

needs haue been medling, could you not haue vntied it, but

you must cut it? and in the midst too? Aye me.

Rust. 1

Out on me, 'tis the Caterpiller Sordido; how cursed

are the poore, that the viper was blest with this good fortune?

Rust. 2

Nay how accurst art thou, that art cause to the curse

of the poore?

Rust. 3

I, and to saue so wretched a Caytife.

Rust. 4

Curst be thy fingers that loos'd him.

Rust. 2

Some desperate furie possesse thee, that thou maist

hang thy selfe too.

Rust. 5

Neuer maiest thou be sau'd, that sau'd so damn'd a

monster.

Sord.

VVhat curses breath these men? how haue my deeds

Made my lookes differ from another mans,

That they should thus detest, and loth my life?

Out on my wretched Humor, it is that

Makes me thus monstrous in true humane eies.

Pardon me (gentle friends) I'le make faire mends

For my foule errors past and twentie-fold

Restore to all men, what with wrong I rob'd them:

My Barnes and Garners shall stand open still

To all the poore that come, and my best graine

Be made almes-bread to feed halfe-famisht mouths.

Though hetherto amongst you I haue liu'd

Like an vnsauorie Muck hill to my selfe,

Yet now my gather'd heapes being spread abroad,

Shall turne to better, and more fruitfull vses.

Blesse then this man, curse him no more for sauing

My life and soule together. O how deepely

The bitter curses of the poore do pierce!

I am by wonder chang'd; come in with me

And witnesse my repentance: now I proue,

” No life is blest, that is not grac't with Loue.

Exit.

Rust. 2

O miracle! see when a man ha's grace.

Rust. 3

Had't not been pitie so good a man should haue ben

cast away?

Rust. 2

VVell, I'le get our Clarke put his conversion in the

Chronicle.

Rust. 4

Doe, for I warrant him hee's a vertuous man.

Rust.

O god how he wept if you mark't it: did you see how

the teares trill'd?

Rust. 5

Yes beleeue mee; like maister Vicars bowles vpon

the greene, for all the world.

3 or 4

O neighbour, god's blessing your heart neighbour,

'twas a good gratefull deed.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Cord.

How now Mitis? what's that you consider so seriously?

Mit.

Troth, that which doth essentially please me: the war-

ping condition of this greene and soggie multitude: but in

good faith Signior, your Author hath largely outstript my ex-

pectation in this Scene, I will liberally confesse it. For when I

saw Sordido so desperately intended, I thought I had had a hand

of him then.

Cord.

VVhat? you suppos'd hee should haue hung himselfe

indeed?

Mit.

I did; and had fram'd my objection to it readie, which

may yet be very fitly vrg'd, & with some necessitie: for though

his purpos'd violence lost th'effect, & extended not to death,

yet the Intent & Horror of the object was more than the na-

ture of a Comedie will in any sort allow.

Cord.

I? what thinke you of Plautus in his Comedie called

Cistellaria there? where he brings in Alcesimarchus with a drawne

sword readie to kill himselfe, and as hee is e'ne fixing his breast

vpon it, to bee restrain'd from his resolu'd outrage by Silenium

and the Bawd: is not his authoritie of power to giue our Scene

approbation?

Mit.

Sir, I haue this (your only) euasion leftmee, to say, I

thinke it bee so indeed, your memorie is happier than mine: but I won-

der what engine he will vse to bring the rest out of their Hu-

mors?

Cord.

That will appeare anone, neuer preoccupie your ima-

gination withall. Let your mind keepe companie with the

Scene stil, which now remoues it selfe from the Countrie to the

Court. Here comes Macilente and Signior Briske freshly suted,

loose not your selfe, for now the Epitasis or busie part of our

Subject is in Action.

SCENA TERTIA.

Enter Macilente, Briske, Cinedo, with Tabacco.

Fast.

VVell now Signior Macilente, you are not onely wel-

come to the Court, but also to my mistresse with drawing chá-

ber: Boy get me some Tabacco, I'le but goe in, and shew I am

here, and come to you presently sir.

Exit.

Mac.

VVhat's that he said? by heauen I markt him not,

My thoughts, and I were of another world;

I was admiring mine owne outside here,

To thinke what priuiledge and palme it beares

Here in the court: Be a man ne're so vile

In wit, in judgement, manners, or what else;

If he can purchase but a Silken couer,

He shall not only passe, but passe regarded:

VVhereas let him be poore and meanely clad,

Though ne're so richly parted; you shall haue

A fellow (that knowes nothing but his Beefe

Or how to rince his clammie guts in beere)

VVill take him by the shoulders or the throte,

And kicke him downe the staires. Such is the state

Of vertue in bad Cloths, ha, ha, ha, ha,

That Raiment should be in such high request?

How long should I be ere I should put off

To my Lord Chancelors tombe, or the Shriues posts?

By heauen (I thinke) a thousand thousand yeare,

His Grauitie, his wisdome, and his faith,

To my dread Soueraigne (graces that suruiue him)

These I could well endure to reuerence,

But not his Tombe, no more than I'le commend

The Chappell Organ for the guilt without,

Or this bace Violl for the varnisht face.

Enter Fast.

Fast.

In faith I haue made you stay somewhat long sir, but is

my Tabacco readie boy?

Cine.

I Sir.

Fast.

Giue me, my mistresse is vpon comming, you shall see

her presently sir, (Tab.) you'le say you neuer accosted a more

piercing wit. This Tabacco is not dried Boy, or else the Pipe's

defectiue. Oh, your wits of Italie are nothing comparable to

her, her braine's a very Quiuer of jests, and she do's dart them

abroad with that sweet loose and judiciall aime that you

would—here she comes sir.

Enter Sauiolina, and goes in againe.

Mac.

'Twas time, his inuention had been bogd else.

Saui.

Giue me my fanne there.

Mac.

How now Mounsieur Briske?

Fast.

A kind of affectionate reuerence strikes me with a cold

shiuering (me thinkes.)

Mac.

I like such tempers well, as stand before their Mistres-

ses with feare and trembling, and before their Maker like im-

pudent mountaines.

Fast.

By Iesu, I'ld spend twentie pound my vauting Horse

stood here now, she might see me doe but one tricke?

Mac.

VVhy do's she loue actiuitie?

Cine.

Or if you had but your long stockings on to be daun-

cing a Galliard, as she comes by.

Fast.

I either. O these stirring humors make Ladies mad with

desire, she comes. My good Genius embolden me, Boy the Pipe

quickly.

Enter Sauiolina.

Mac.

VVhat? will he giue her musicke?

Fast.

A second good morrow to my faire mistresse.

Saui.

Faire seruant, I'le thanke you a day hence, when the

date of your salutation comes forth.

Fast.

How like you that answere? is't not admirable?

Mac.

I were a simple Courtier, if I could not admire trifles sir.

Fast.

Troth sweet Ladie I shall (Tab.) be prepar'd to giue you

thankes for those thanks, and (Tab.) studie more officious and

obsequious regards (Tab.) to your faire beauties: (Tab.) mend

the pipe boy.

Mac.

I ne're knew Tabacco taken as a parenthesis before.

Fast.

Fore God (sweet Ladie) beleeue it, I doe honour the

meanest rush in this chamber for your loue.

Saui.

I, you need not tell me that sir, I do think you do prize

a rush before my loue.

Mac.

Is this the wonder of nations?

Fast.

O, by Iesu pardon me, I said for your loue, by this light;

but it is the accustomed sharpenesse of your Ingenuitie sweet

Mistresse to — Masse your Violl's new strung me thinkes.

Takes downe the Violl.

Mac.

Ingenuitie; I see his ignorance will not suffer him to

slander her; which he had done most notably, if he had said Wit

for Ingenuitie, as he meant it.

Fast.

By the soule of Musicke Ladie (hum, hum.)

Saui.

VVould we might heare it once.

Fast.

I doe more adore and admire your (hum, hum) predo-

minant perfections than (hum, hum) euer I shall haue power

and facultie to expresse (hum.)

Saui.

Vpon the Violl de Gambo you meane?

Fast.

It's miserably out of tune, by this hand.

Saui.

Nay rather by the fingers.

Mac.

It makes good Harmonie with her wit.

Fast.

Sweet Ladie tune it. Boy some Tabacco.

Mac.

Tabacco againe? hee do's court his mistresse with very

exceeding good changes.

Fast.

Signior Macilente, you take none sir? (Tab.)

Mac.

No, vnlesse I had a mistresse Signior, it were a great

Indecorum for me to take Tabacco.

Fast.

How like you her wit? (Tab.)

Mac.

Her ingenuitie is excellent sir.

Fast.

You see the subject of her sweet fingers there? (Tab.)

Oh shee tickles it so, that (Tab.) shee makes it laugh most

Diuinely; (Tab.) I'le tell you a good jeast now, and your selfe

shall say it's a good one: I haue wisht my selfe to be that In-

strument (I thinke) a thousand times, and not so few, by Hea-

uens (Tab.)

Maci.

Not vnlike Sir: but how? to be cas'd vp and hung by

on the wall?

Fast.

O, no Sir, to be in vse I assure you; as your judicious

eyes may testifie. (Tab.)

Saui.

Here Seruant, if you will play, come.

Fast.

Instantly sweet Ladie (Tab.) In good faith here's most

Diuine Tabacco.

Saui.

Nay, I cannot stay to Daunce after your Pipe.

Fast.

Good, nay deare Ladie stay: by this sweet Smoake, I

thinke your wit be all fire: (Tab.)

Mac.

And hee's the Salamander that liues by it.

Saui.

Is your Tabacco perfum'd Sir? that you sweare by the

sweet Smoake?

Fast.

Still more excellent: (before God, and these bright

Heauens) I thinke (Tab.) you are made of Ingenuitie, I. (Tab.)

Maci.

True, as your discourse is: O abhominable!

Fast.

VVill your Ladiship take any?

Saui.

O, peace I pray you; I loue not the breath of a Wood-

cocks head.

Fast.

Meaning my head, Ladie?

Saui.

Not altogither so Sir; but (as it were Fatall to their fol-

lies that thinke to grace themselues with taking Tabacco, when

they want better entertainment) you see your Pipe beares

the true forme of a Woodcocks head.

Fast.

O Admirable Simile!

Saui.

'Tis best leauing of you in Admiration, Sir.

Exit Sauiolina.

Mac.

Are these the admired Ladie-wits, that hauing so good

a Plaine-song, can runne no better Diuision vpon it. S'heart,

all her jests are of the stampe March was fifteene yeeres agoe.

Is this the Comet Monsieur Fastidius, that your Gallants won-

der at so?

Fast.

Hart of a Gentleman to neglect mee afore presence

thus: Sweet sir, I beseech you be silent in my disgrace, By Iesu,

I neuer was in so vile a Humor in my life, and her wit was at the

floud too, Report it not for a million good sir; let me be so farre

endear'd to your loue.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Mit.

VVhat followes next Signior Cordatus? this Gallants

Humor is almost spent mee thinkes, it ebbes apace, with this

contrarie breath of his mistresse.

Cord.

O, but it will flow againe for all this, till there come a

generall drought of Humor among all our Actors, and then I

feare not but his will fall as low as any. See who presents him-

selfe here?

Mit.

VVhat, i'the old case?

Cord.

Yfaith, which makes it the more pittifull, you vnder-

stand where the Scene is?

ACTUS QUARTUS, SCENA PRIMA.

Enter Fungoso, Fallace following him.

Fall.

VVhy are you so melancholy Brother?

Fun.

I am not melancholy I thanke you Sister.

Fall.

VVhy are you not merry then? there are but two of vs

in all the world, and if we should not be comforts to one ano-

ther, God helpe vs.

Fung.

Faith, I cannot tell Sister, but if a man had any true

Melancholie in him, it would make him melancholie, to see

his yeomanly father cut his neighbours throats to make his

sonne a Gentleman: and yet when he has cut 'hem, hee will

see his sonnes throat cut too, ere he make him a true Gentle-

man indeed, before Death cut his owne throat: I must be the

first Head of our house, and yet he will not giue mee the head,

till I be made so. Is any man tearm'd a Gentleman that is not

alwaies i'the fashion? I would know but that.

Fall.

If you be melancholy for that Brother, I think I haue

as much cause to be melancholy, as one; for I'le be sworne I

liue as little in the fashion, as any woman in London. By the Bi-

ble of heauen (beast that I am to say it) I haue not one friend

i'the world besides my husband. VVhen saw you Maister Fasti-

dius Briske, Brother?

Fung.

But a while since Sister, I thinke, I know not well in

truth. By Gods lid I could sight with all my heart me thinkes.

Fall.

Nay good Brother, be not resolute.

Fung.

I sent him a letter, and hee writes mee no answere

neither.

Fall.

Oh sweet Fastidius Briske, O fine Courtier, thou art hee

mak'st me sigh and say, How blessed is that woman that hath a

Courtier to her husband? and how miserable a dame she is that

hath neither husband nor friend in the Court: O sweet Fastidius,

O fine Courtier. How comely hee bowes him in his courtesie?

how full hee hits a woman betwixt the lips when hee kisses?

how vpright hee sits at the Table? how daintily hee carues?

how sweetly hee talkes, and tels newes of this Lord, and of

that Ladie? how cleanely hee wipes his spoon at euery spoon-

full of any whit-meat hee eats, and what a neat case of picke-

tooths hee carries about him still? Oh sweet Fastidius, O fine

Courtier!

Enter Deliro with Musitians.

Deli.

See yonder shee is Gentlemen, now (as euer you'le

beare the name of Musitians) touch your instruments sweetly,

shee has a delicate eare, I tell you, play not a false note I be-

seech you.

Music.

Feare not Signior Deliro.

Deli.

O begin, begin, some sprightly thing; Lord, how my

imagination labours with the successe of it: well said, good

yfaith, heauen graunt it please her, I'le not bee seene, for then

shee'le be sure to dislike it.

Fall.

Hey da, this is excellent, I'le lay my life this is my hus-

bands dotage, I thought so, nay neuer play peeke-boe with

me, I know you do nothing but studie how to anger me sir.

Deli.

Anger thee, sweet wife? why didst thou not send for

Musitians to supper last night thy selfe?

Fall.

To Supper sir? now come vp to Supper I beseech you:

as though there were no difference betweene Supper time

when folkes should be merrie, and this time when they would

be Melancholly? I would neuer take vpon me to take a wife,

if I had no more Iudgement to please her.

Deli.

Be pleas'd sweet wife, and they shall ha' done: & would

to Christ my life were done, if I can neuer please thee.

Exit Musitians.

Enter Macilente.

Mac.

God saue you Ladie; where is Master Deliro?

Deli.

Here, Master Macilente: you'r welcome from the Court

Sir; no doubt you haue been grac't exceedingly of Master

Briskes Mistresse, and the rest of the Ladies for his sake?

Maci.

Alas, the poore Phantasticke, hee's scarse knowne

To any Ladie there: and those that know him,

Know him the simplest man of all they know:

Deride, and play vpon his amorous Humors,

Though he but Apishly doth imitate

The gallans't Courtiers, kissing ladies Pumps,

Holding the Cloth for them, praising their Wits,

And seruilely obseruing euery one,

May doe them pleasure: Fearefull to be seene

VVith any man (though he be ne're so worthy)

That's not in grace with some that are the greatest.

Thus Courtiers doe, and these he counterfeits,

But sets not such a sightly carriage

Vpon their vanities, as they themselues;

And therefore they despise him: for indeed

Hee's like a Zani to a Tumbler,

That tries trickes after him to make men laugh.

Fall.

Here's an vnthankfull spitefull wretch: the good Gen-

tleman vouchsaft to make him his companion (because my

husband put him into a few Rags) and now see how the vn-

rude Rascall backbites him.

Deli.

Is he no more grac't amongst 'hem then? say you?

Mac.

Faith like a pawne at Chesse, fills vp a roume, that's all.

Fall.

O monster of men! can the Earth beare such an en-

uious Caitiffe?

Deli.

VVell, I repent mee I e're credited him so much: but

(now I see what he is, and that his masking vizor is of) I'le for-

bear him no longer: all his lands are morgag'd to me, and for-

feited: besides, I haue Bonds of his in my hand for the receit of

now xx pound, now xxx, now xxv: still as hee has had a Fan

but wagg'd at him, he would be in a new Sute. VVel, I'le salute

him by a Sergeant, the next time I see him yfaith, I'le Suit him.

Mac.

VVhy, you may soone see him Sir, for hee is to meet

Signior Puntarvolo at a Notaries by the Exchange presently, where

hemeanes to take vp vpon returne.

Fall.

Now out vpon thee Iudas; canst thou not be content

to backbite thy friend, but thou must betray, him? wilt thou

seeke the vndoing of any man? and of such a man too? and

will you Sir get your liuing by the counsell of Traitors?

Deli.

Deare wife, haue patience.

Fall.

The house wil fal, the ground wil open, and swallow vs:

I'le not bide here for all the Gold and Siluer in Heauen.
Exit.

Deli.

O good Macilente, let's follow and appease her, or the

Peace of my life is at an end.

Exit.

Maci.

Now Pease, and not Peace feed that life, whose head

hangs so heauily ouer a womans Manger.

Exit.

Enter Fallacerunning, at another dore, and claps it too.

Fall.

Help me brother: Gods body and you come here, I'le

do my selfe a mischiefe.

Deli.

Nay, heare me sweet wife, vnlesse thou wilt haue mee

goe, I will not goe.

Within.

Fall.

Tut, you shall ne're ha' that vantage of me, to say you

are vndone by mee: I'le not bid you stay, I. Brother, sweet

brother, here's foure Angels, I'le giue you toward your Sute;

for the loue of Iesu, and as euer you came of Christen crea-

ture, make hast to the water side (you know where Master

Fastidius vses to land) and giue him warning of my husbands

intent; and tell him of that leane Rascals treacherie: O Iesu,

how my flesh rises at him? nay, sweet brother make hast; you

may say I would haue writ to him, but that the necessitie of

the time would not suffer it: He cannot choose but take it ex--

traordinarily from me: and Commend me to him, good bro-

ther: say I sent you.

Exit.

Fung.

Let me see; these foure Angels: and then fortie shil-

lings more I can borrow on my Gowne in Fetter-lane: well,

I will goe presently, say on my Sute, pay as much money as I

haue, and sweare my selfe into Credit with my Taylor for the

rest.

Exit.

SCENA SECUNDA.

Enter Deliro, with Macilente, speaking as they passe
ouer the Stage.

Deli.

O, on my Soule you wrong her, Macilente,

Though she be froward, yet I know she is honest.

Mac.

VVell, then haue I no Iudgement; would any woman

(but one that were wild in her affections) haue broke out in-

to that immodest and violent Passion against her husband?

or is't possible—

Deli.

If you loue me, forbeare; all the Arguments i'the world

shall neuer wrest my heart to beleeue it.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Cord.

How like you the Deciphering of his Dotage?

Mit.

O, strangely; and of the others Enuie too, that labors

so seriously to set debate betwixt a man and his wife. Stay, here

comes the Knight Aduenturer.

Cord.

I, and his Scriuener with him.

SCENA TERTIA.

Enter Puntarvolo, Notarie, with Serving-men.

Punt.

I wonder Monsieur Fastidius comes not! but Notarie,

if thou please to draw the Indentures the while, I will giue

thee the Theorie.

Not.

VVith all my heart Sir; and I'le fall in hand with 'hem

presently.

Punt.

VVell then, first; the Summe is to be vnderstood.

Not.

Good sir.

Punt.

Next, our seuerall Appellations, and Character of my Dog

and Cat must be knowne: shew him the Cat Sirrah.

Not.

So sir.

Punt.

Then, that the intended Point, is the Turkes Court in

Constantinople: the Time limited for our Returne, a yeere: and

that if either of vs miscarrie, the whole Venter is lost. These

are Generall; conceiu'st thou? or if either of vs turne Turque.

Not.

I Sir.

Punt.

Now for Particulars: that I may make my trauails by

Sea or Land, to my best liking: and that (hiring a Coach for my

selfe) it shall be lawfull for my Dog and Cat to ride with mee

in the said Coach.

Not.

Very good sir.

Punt.

That I may choose to giue my Dog or Cat Fish, for

feare of Bones, or any other Nutriment, that (by the judge-

ment of the most Autenticall Physicians where I trauaile) shall

be thought dangerous.

Not.

VVell sir.

Punt.

That (after the receit of his money) he shall neither

in his owne person, nor any other, either by direct or indirect

meanes; as Magique, Witchcraft, or other such Exoticke Artes,

attempt, practise, or complot any thing, to the prejudice of

Mee, my Dogge, or my Cat: Neither shall I vse the helpe of

any such Sorceries or Enchantments; as Vnctions, to make

our skinnes impenetrable, or to trauaile inuisible by vertue

of a Pouder, or a Ring, or to hang any three-forked Charme

about my Dogs necke, secretly conuey'd into his Collar: vn-

derstand you? but that all be performed, sincerely, without

fraud or Imposture.

Not.

So sir.

Punt.

That (for testimonie of the Performance) my selfe am

to bring thence a Turkes Mustachio, my Dogge a Hares lip, and

my Cat the traine or taile of a Rat.

Not.

'Tis done sir.

Punt.

'Tis said Sir, not done sir, but forward. That vpon my

returne and landing on the Tower wharfe with the aforesaid

Testimonie, I am to receiue siue for one, according to the pro-

portion of the summes put forth.

Not.

VVell Sir.

Punt.

Prouided, That if before our departure or setting

forth, either my selfe, or these be visited with sicknesse, or any

other casuall euent, so that the whole course of the Aduenture

be hindred thereby; that then, He is to returne, and I am to

receiue the prenominated Proportion, vpon faire and equall

tearmes.

Not.

Very good sir; is this all?

Punt.

It is all Sir: and dispatch them good Notarie.

Not.

As fast as is possible Sir.

Exit.
Enter Carlo.

Punt.

O Carlo, welcome: saw you Monsieur Briske?

Car.

Not I: did he appoint you to meet here?

Punt.

I, and I muse he should be so tardie: hee is to take an

hundred pounds of mee in venter, if hee maintaine his pro-

mise.

Car.

Is his houre past?

Punt.

Not yet, but it comes on apace.

Carl.

Tut, be not jealous of him; he will sooner breake all

the ten Commaundements, than his Houre; vpon my life in such

a case trust him.

Punt.

Me thinkes Carlo, you looke very smooth? ha?

Carl.

VVhy I come but now from a Hothouse, I must needs

looke smooth.

Punt.

From a Hothouse?

Car.

I, doe you make a wonder on't? why it's your onely

Phisicke. Let a man sweat once a weeke in a Hothouse, and be

well rubd and froted with a good plumpe juicie wench, and

sweet linnen, he shall ne're ha' the Poxe.

Punt.

What? the French Poxe?

Car.

The French Poxe! our Poxe: S'blood wee haue 'hem

in as good forme as they man: what?

Punt.

Let me perish, but thou art a Villaine: was yonr new-

created Gallant there with you? Sogliardo?

Carl.

O Porpuse, hang him, no: hee's a Lieger at HornesOrdi-

narie yonder: his villanous Ganimede and hee ha' been dro-

ning a Tabacco Pipe there, euer sin' yesterday noone.

Punt.

VVho? Signior Tripartite, that would giue my Dogge

the Whiffe?

Car.

I, hee: they haue hir'd a chamber and all priuat to pra-

ctise in, for the making of the Patoun, the Receit Reciprocall, and a

number of other mysteries, not yet extant. I brought some do-

sen or twentie Gallants this morning to view 'hem (as you'ld

doe a piece of Perspectiue) in at a key-hole; and there we might

see Sogliardo sit in a Chaire, holding his snowt vp like a Sow vn-

der an Apple-tree, while th'other open'd his Nostrills with a

Poking-sticke, to giue the smoake a more free deliuerie. They

had spit some three or fourescore ounces betweene 'hem, afore

we came away.

Punt.

How! spit three or fourscore ounces?

Carl.

I, and preseru'd it in Porrengers, as a Barber does his

Blood when he pricks a veine.

Punt.

Out Pagan; how dost thou pricke the Vaine of thy

friend?

Carl.

Friend? Is there any such foolish thing i'the world?

ha? S'lid I ne're rellisht it yet.

Punt.

Thy Humor is the more daungerous.

Carl.

No not a whit Signior: Tut, a man must keepe time in

all: I can oyle my tongue when I meet him next, and looke

with a good slicke forehead; 'twill take away all soyle of Sus-

picion, and that's inough: what Lynceus can see my heart? Pish,

the title of a Friend, it's a vaine idle thing, only venerable a-

mong fooles: you shall not haue one that has any opinion of

wit affect it.

Enter Deliro, and Macilente.

Deli.

Saue you good sir Puntarvolo.

Punt.

Signior Deliro! welcome.

Deli.

Pray you sir, did you see Master Fastidius Briske? I heard

he was to meet your VVorship here.

Punt.

You heard no Figment sir, I doe expect him euery mi-

nute my VVatch strikes.

Deli.

In good time sir.

Carl.

There's a fellow now, lookes like one of the Patricians

of Sparta; mary his wit's after ten i'the hundred. A good Bloud-

hound, a close mouth'd Dog, hee followes the sent well, marry

hee's at a fault now me thinks.

Punt.

I should wonder at that Creature is free from the

daunger of thy tongue.

Carl.

O I cannot abide these limmes of Sattin, or rather Sa-

than indeed, that 'll walke (like the children of darkenesse) all

day in a melancholy shop, with their pockets full of Blankes,

readie to swallow vp as many poore vnthrifts, as come within

the verge.

Punt.

So: and what hast thou for him that is with him now?

Carl.

O (Damne me) Immortalitie, I'le not meddle with him,

the pure Element of Fire, all Spirit, Extraction.

Punt.

How Carlo? ha, what is he man?

Car.

A scholler, Macilente, doe you not know him? a lanke

rawbon'd Anatomie, he walks vp and down like a charg'd Mus-

ket, no man dares encounter him: that's his Rest there.

Punt.

His Rest? why has he a forked head?

Carl.

Pardon me, that's to be suspended, you are too quick,

too apprehensiue.

Deli.

Troth (now I think on't) I'le defer it til some other time.

Mac.

Gods-pretious, not by any meanes Signior, you shall

not loose this opportunitie, he will be here presently now.

Deli.

Yes faith Macilente, 'tis best. For looke you sir, I shall so

exceedingly offend my wife in't, that—

Mac.

Your wife? now for shame loose these thoughts, and

become the master of your own spirits. Should I (if I had a wife)

suffer my self to be thus passionatly caried (to and fro) with the

streame of her Humor? and neglect my deepest affairs, to serue

her affections? Sbloud I would geld my selfe first.

Deli.

O but Signior, had you such a wife as mine is, you wold—

Mac.

Such a wife? Now God hate mee sir, if euer I discern'd

any wonder in your wife yet, with all the Speculation I haue: I

haue seene some that ha' beene thought fairer than she, in my

time; and I haue seene those, ha' not beene altogether so tall,

esteem'd proper women; and I haue seen lesse Noses grow vp-

on sweeter Faces, that haue done very well too in my judge-

ment: but in good faith Signior for all this, the Gentlewoman

is a good prettie prowd hard-fauour'd thing, mary not so peer-

lessely to be doted vpon, I must confesse: nay be not angrie.

Deli.

VVell sir (how euer you please to forget your selfe) I

haue not deseru'd to be thus plai'd vpon, but henceforth, pray

you forbear my house, for I can but faintly endure the sauor of

his breath at my table, that shal thus jade me for my courtesies.

Mac.

Nay then Signior, let me tell you, your wife is no pro-

per woman by Iesu, and I suspect her lionestie, that's more,

which you may likewise suspect (if you please:) doe you see? Ile

vrge you to nothing against your appetite, but if you please,

you may suspect it.

Deli.

Good sir.

Exit.

Mac.

Good sir? Now Horne vpon Horne pursue thee, thou

blind egregious Dotard.

Carl.

O you shall heare him speake like Enuie. Signior Maci-

lente, you saw Mounsieur Briske lately? I heard you were with

him at the Court.

Mac.

I Buffone, I was with him.

Carl.

And how is hee respected there? (I know youle deale

ingeniously with us) is he made of amongst the sweeter sort of

gallants?

Mac.

Faith I, his Ciuet and his casting glasse,

Haue helpt him to a place amongst the rest,

And there his Seniors giue him good sleight lookes,

After their Garbe, smile, and salute in French

VVith some new complement.

Carl.

VVhat is this all?

Mac.

VVhy say, that they should shew the frothie foole,

Such grace as they pretend comes from the heart,

He had a mightie wind-fall out of doubt.

VVhy all their Graces are not to doe Grace

To vertue, or desert: but to ride both

VVith their guilt Spurres quite breathlesse from themselues.

'Tis now esteem'd Precisianisme in wit;

And a Disease in Nature to be kind

Toward Desert, to Loue, or seeke good Names:

VVho feeds with a Good name? who thriues with louing?

VVho can prouide feast for his owne desires,

VVith seruing others? ha, ha, ha:

'Tis follie by our wisest worldlings prou'd

(If not to gaine by loue) to be belou'd.

Carl.

How like you him? is't not a good spitefull slaue? ha?

Punt.

Shrewd, shrewd.

Carl.

Damme me, I could eat his flesh now: Deuine sweet

villaine.

Maci.

Nay, pr'y thee leaue: what's he there?

Carl.

VVho? this i'the starcht Beard? it's the dull stiffe

Knight Puntarvolo man; hee's to trauaile now presently: hee

has a good knottie wit, marry he carries little on't out of the

land with him.

Maci.

How then?

Carl.

He puts it forth in venter, as he does his money; vpon

the returne of a Dog and Cat.

Maci.

Is this hee?

Carl.

I, this is hee; a good tough Gentleman: he looks like

a Chine of Brawne at Shrouetide, out of date, and readie to

take his leaue: or a drie Poule of Ling vpon Easter-eue, that

has furnisht the Table all Lent, as hee has done the Cittie this

last Vacation.

Maci.

Come, you'le neuer leaue your stabbing Simile's: I shall

ha' you aiming at me with 'hem by and by, but —

Carl.

O, renounce me then: pure, honest, good Deuill, I loue

thee aboue the loue of women: I could e'en melt in Admira-

tion of thee now: Gods so', looke here man; Sir Dagonet and

his Squire.

Enter Sog. and Shift.

Sog.

Saue you my deare Gallanto's. nay, come approach,

good Caualier: pr'y thee (sweet Knight) know this Gentleman,

hee's one that it pleases me to vse as my good friend and com-

panion; and therefore doe him good offices: I beseech you

Gentles, know him.

Punt.

Sir (for Signior Sogliardos sake) let it suffice, I know

you.

Sog.

VVhy by Iesu, I thanke you Knight, and it shall suffice.

Hearke you Sir Puntarvolo, you'ld little thinke it; hee's as reso-

lute a piece of flesh as any 's i'the world.

Punt.

Indeed sir?

Sog.

Vpon my Gentilitie sir: Carlo, a word with you; Doe

you see that same fellow there?

Carl.

VVhat?Caualier Shift?

Sog.

O, you know him; crie you mercie: before God, I think

him the tallest man liuing within the walls of Europe.

Carl.

The walls of Europe! take heed what you say Signior,

Europe's a huge thing within the walls.

Sog.

Tut, (and 't were as huge againe) I'ld justifie what I

speake. S'lid he swagger'd e'en now in a place where we were:

I neuer saw a man doe it more resolute.

Carl.

Nay indeed swaggering is a good Argument of Resolution.

Doe you heare this, Signior?

Mac.

I, to my griefe. O that such muddie Flags

For euery drunken florish, should atchieue

The name of Manhood; whil'st true perfect Valour

(Hating to shew it selfe) goes by despis'd.

Sbloud, I doe know now (in a faire just cause)

I dare doe more than hee; a thousand times:

VVhy should not they take knowledge of this? ha?

And giue my worth allowance before his?

Because I cannot swagger. Now the Poxe

Light on your Pickt-Hatch prowesse.

Sog.

VVhy I tell you Sir, he has been the only Bid-stand that

euer was, kept New-Market, Salisburie Plaine, Hockley i'the hole,

Gads-Hill; all the high places of any Request: hee has had his

Mares and his Geldings hee, ha' been worth fortie, threescore,

a hundred pound a Horse, would ha' sprung you ouer hedge

and ditch like your Greyhound: hee has done fiue hundred

Robberies in his time, more or lesse, I assure you.

Punt.

VVhat? and scapt?

Sog.

Scapt! yfaith I: he has broken the jayle when hee has

been in yrons, and yrons; and been out, and in againe; & out,

and in; fortie times and not so few, hee.

Mac.

A fit Trumpet to proclaime such a person.

Carl.

But can this be possible?

Shift.

why 'tis nothing sir, when a man giues his Affections

to it.

Sog.

Good Pylades discourse a Robberie or two, to satisfie

these Gentlemen of thy worth.

Shift.

Pardon me my deare Orestes: Causes haue their Quid-

dits, and 'tis ill jesting with Bell-ropes.

Carl.

How?Pylades and Orestes?

Sog.

I, he is my Pylades, and I am his Orestes: how like you the

conceit?

Carl.

O, it's an old stale Enterlude deuise: No, I'le giue you

Names my selfe: looke you, he shal be your Iudas, and you shal

be his Elder tree to hang on.

Maci.

Nay rather, let him be Captaine Pod, and this his Mo-

tion; for he does nothing but Shew him.

Car.

Camell. Excellent: or thus; you shall be Holden, and hee your

Shift.

You doe not meane to ride Gentlemen?

Punt.

Faith let me end it for you Gallants: you shall be his

Countenance, and he your Resolution.

Sog.

Troth that's prettie: how say you Caualier, shalt be so?

Carl.

I, I, most voices.

Shift.

Faith I am eas'ly yeelding to any good Impressions:

Sog.

Then giue hands good Resolution.

Car.

Masse he cannot say good Countenance now (properly) to

him againe.

Punt.

Yes, by an Ironie.

Mac.

O sir, the countenance of Resolution should, as hee's al-

togither grim and vnpleasant.

Enter Briske.

Fast.

Good houres make Musicke with your mirth Gen-

tlemen, and keepe time to your humors: how now Carlo?

Punt.

Monsieur Briske! many a long looke haue I extended

for you sir.

Fast.

Good faith I must craue pardon; I was inuited this

morning ere I was out of my bedde, by a Beuie of Ladies, to a

Banquet: whence it was almost one of Hercules Labors for me

to come away, but that the respect of my promise did so pre-

uaile with me: I know they'le take it verie ill, especially one

that gaue me this Bracelet of her Haire but ouer night, and

this Pearle another gaue me from her forehead, Mary she—

what? are the VVritings readie?

Punt.

I will send my man to know. Sirrah, goe you to the

Notaries, and learne if he be readie: leaue the Dog sir.

Exit Seruing-man.

Fast.

And how does my rare qualified friend Sogliardo? oh

Signior Macilente! by these eyes I saw you not, I had saluted

you sooner else on my troth: I hope sir I may presume vpon

you that you will not divulge my late cheeke, or disgrace in-

deed sir.

Mac.

You may sir.

Carl.

S'heart hee knowes some notorious jest by this Gull,

that he hath him so obsequious.

Sog.

Monsieur Fastidius, doe you see this fellow there? does

hee not looke like a Clowne? would you thinke there's any

thing in him?

Fast.

Any thing in him? beshrow me, I; the fellow hath a

good ingenious face.

Sog.

By this Element, hee is an ingenious tall man as euer

swaggerd about London: hee and I call Countenance & Resolution,

but his name is Caualier Shift.

Punt.

Caualier, you knew Signior Clog, that was hang'd for the

robberie at Harrow on the hill?

Sog.

Knew him Sir! why 'twas hee gaue all the directions

for the Action.

Punt.

How? was't your Project sir?

Shift.

Pardon me Countenance, you doe me some wrong to

make that publicke, which I imparted to you in priuat.

Sog.

Gods will, here are none but friends Resolution.

Shift.

That's all one; things of Consequence must haue their

respects, where, how, and to whome. Yes sir, he shewed him-

selfe a true Clogge in the Coherence of that affaire sir; for

if he had manag'd matters as they were corroborated to him,

it had been better for him by a fortie or fiftie score of pounds

sir, and hee himselfe might ha' liu'd (in despight of Fate) to

haue fedde on Woodcockes with the rest: but it was his heauie

fortunes to sinke poore Clogge, and therefore talke no more of

him.

Punt.

why, had hee more Agents then?

Sog.

O God sir; I, there were some present there, that were

the nine Worthies to him yfaith.

Shift.

I sir, I can satisfie you at more conuenient conference:

but (for mine owne part) I haue now reconcil'd my selfe to

other courses, and professe a liuing out of my other qualities.

Sog.

Nay, he has left all now (I assure you) and is able to liue

like a Gentleman by his Qualitie. By this Dogge, hee has the

most rare gift in Tabacco that euer you knew.

Carl.

S'heart, hee keeps more adoe with this Monster, than

euer Bankes did with his Horse, or the Fellow with the Elephant.

Mac.

Hee will hang out his Picture shortly in a cloath, you

shall see.

Sog.

O, hee do's manage a quarrell the best that euer you

saw, for Termes and Circumstances.

Fast.

Good faith Signior (now you speake of a quarrell)

I'le acquaint you with a difference that happened betweene a

Gallant and my selfe: sir Puntarvolo, you know him if I should

name him; Signior Luculento.

Punt.

Luculento! what inauspicious chaunce interpos'd it

selfe betwixt your two loues?

Fast.

Faith sir, the same that sundred Agamemnon and great

Thetis son; but let the cause escape Sir: He sent me a challenge

(mixt with some few braues) which I restor'd, and in fine wee

met. Now indeed Sir (I must tell you) he did offer at first very

desperatly, but without judgement: for looke you sir. I cast

my selfe into this figure: now he, comes violently on, and with-

all advancing his Rapier to strike, I thought to haue took his

arme (for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was

sure he could not recouer his guard) Sir, I mist my purpose in

his arme, rasht his doublet sleeue, ran him close by the left

cheeke, and through his haire: He again lights me here, I had

a gold Cable hatband then new come vp, (which I wore a-

bout a murrey French Hat I had) cuts my Hatband (and yet it

was Massie, gold-Smithes worke) cuts my brimmes, which by

good fortune (being thicke embrodered with gold twist, and

Spangles) disapointed the force of the blow: Neuerthelesse it

graz'd on my shoulder, takes mee away sixe purles of an

Italian cut-worke Band I wore, cost me three pounds in the

exchaunge but three daies before.

Punt.

This was a straunge encounter.

Fastid.

Nay you shall heare sir, with this wee both fell out

and breath'd: Now (vpon the second signe of his assault) I

betooke mee to the former manner of my defence; hee (on

the other side) abandon'd his bodie to the same daunger as

before, and followes mee still with blowes. But I (being loth

to take the deadly advauntage that lay before mee of his left

side) made a kind of stramazoun, ran him vp to the hilts, through

the Doublet, through the Shirt, and yet mist the skin. He

(making a reuerse blow) fals vpon my emboss'd girdle (I had

throwne off the hangers a little before) strikes off a skirt of a

thick lac't Sattin Doublet I had (lin'd with some foure Taffa-

taes) cuts of two panes embrodered with Pearle, rents through

the drawings out of Tyssew, enters the linings, and skips the

flesh.

Carl.

I wonder he speakes not of his wrought Shirt.

Fast.

Here (in the opinion of mutuall dammage) we paus'd:

but (ere I proceed) I must tell you Signior, that (in this last

encounter) not hauing leisure to put off my siluer Spurres,

one of the rowels catcht hold of the ruffle of my Boot, and

(being Spanish leather, and subject to teare) ouerthrowes

me, rends me two paire of silke stockings (that I put on being

somewhat a raw morning, a Peach colour and another) and

strikes me some halfe inch deepe into the side of the Calfe; He

(seeing the bloud come) presently takes horse and away, I (ha-

uing bound vp my wound with a peace of my wrought

Shirt)

Car.

O comes it there?

Fast.

Rid after him, and (lighting at the court gate both to-

gether) embrac'd and marcht hand in hand vp into the Pre-

sence.

Mac.

VVell, by this we can gesse what apparrell the Gentle-

man wore.

Punt.

'Fore God it was a designment begun with much reso-

lution, maintain'd with as much prowesse, and ended with

more humanitie. How now, what saies he?

His Seruingman enters.

Seruing.

The Notarie saies hee is readie sir, he staies but your

VVorships pleasure.

Punt.

Come wee will goe to him Mounsieur. Gentlemen

shall wee entreat you to be witnesses.

Sog.

You shall entreat mee sir, come Resolution.

Shift.

I follow you good Countenance.

Carl.

Come Signior, come, come.

Maci.

O, that there should be fortune

To cloth these men, so naked in desert,

And that the iust Storme of a wretched life,

Beats 'hem not ragged for their wretched soules,

And since as fruitlesse, euen as blacke as coales.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Mitis.

VVhy but Signior, how comes it that Fungoso appear'd

not with his sisters intelligence to Briske.

Cord.

Mary long of the euill Angels that shee gaue him,

who haue indeed tempted the good simple youth to fol-

low the taile of the Fashion, and neglect the imposition of

his freinds. Behold here hee comes, very VVorshipfully atten-

ded, and with good varietie.

SCENA QUARTA.

Enter Fungoso with Taylor, Shoe-maker,
and Haberdasher.

Fung.

Gramercie good Shoe-maker, I'le put too strings

my selfe.

Exit Shoe-maker.

Now Sir, let mee see, what must you haue for this Hat?

Haber.

Here's the bill, sir.

Fung.

How doest become me, well?

Taylor.

Excellent Sir, as euer you had any Hat in your

life.

Haber.

Nay faith Sir, the Hat's as good as any man i' this

towne can serue you. And will maintaine Fashion as long,

ne're trust me for a groat else.

Fung.

Do's it apply well to my sute?

Tay.

Exceeding well sir.

Fung.

How lik'st thou my suit Haberdasher?

Hab.

By my troth sir 'tis very rarely well made, I neuer saw

a sute sit better I can tell on.

Tay.

Nay, we haue no Art to please our friends, we.

Fung.

Here Haberdasher tell this same.

Haberdasher.

Good faith sir, it makes you haue an excel-

lent bodie.

Fung.

Nay (beleeue me) I thinke I haue as good a bodie in

cloths as another.

Taylor.

You lacke points to bring your apparrell toge-

ther.

Fung.

I'le haue points anone: how now? is't right?

Hab.

Faith sir 'tis too little, but vpon farther hopes. Good

morrow to you sir.

Exit Haberdasher.

Fung.

Farewell good Haberdasher, well now maister Snip let

me see your bill.

GREX.

Mit.

Mee thinkes he discharges his followers too thicke.

Cord.

{ O therin he saucily imitates some Great man. I war-

rant you though he turnes off them, he keepes this

Taylor in place of a Page to follow him still.

Fung.

This Bill is very reasonable in faith, harke you mai-

sterSnip. Troth sir I am not altogether so well furnisht at this

present, as I could wish I were: but—If you'le doe me the fa-

uour to take part in hand, you shall haue all I haue by Iesu.

Tay.

Sir—

Fung.

And but giue me credite for the rest, till the begin-

ning of the next Tearme.

Tay.

O Lord sir—

Fung.

'Fore God and by this light I'le pay you to the vt-

most, and acknowledge my selfe very deepely engag'd to you

by this hand.

Tay.

VVhy how much haue you there Sir?

Fung.

Marry I haue here foure Angels, and fifteene shil-

lings of white money, it's all I haue as 'hope to be sau'd.

Tay.

You will not faile mee at the next Tearme with the

rest.

Fung.

No and I doe, pray God I bee hang'd. Let me neuer

breath againe vpon this mortall Stage, as the Philosopher

cals it. By this aire, and (as I am a Gentleman) I'le hold.

GREX.

Cord.

He were an yron-hearted fellow in my judgement,

that would not credite him vpon these monstrous

othes.

Tay.

VVell sir, I'le not sticke with any Gentleman for a

trifle: you know what 'tis remaines?

Fung.

I sir, and I giue you thankes in good faith, O God how

happie am I made in this good fortune. VVell, now I'le goe

seeke out Mounsieur Briske. Gods so, I haue forgot Ribband

for my shoes; and points. S'lid what lucke's this? how shall I

doe? Maister Snippe, pray let me reduct some two or three shil-

lings for points and Ribband, by Iesu I haue vtterly disfurnisht

my selfe in the default of memorie, pray, le' mee bee beholding

to you, it shall come home i'the bill beleeue mee.

Tay.

Faith sir, I can hardly depart with money, but I'le take

vp and send you some by my boy presently. VVhat colour'd

Ribband would you haue?

Fung.

VVhat you shall thinke meet i'your judgement Sir to

my sute.

Tayl.

VVell, I'le send you some presently.

Fung.

And points too sir?

Tayl.

And points too sir.

Exit Taylor.

Fung.

Good Lord how shall I studie to deserue this kindnes

of you sir. Pray let your youth make hast, for I should haue

done a businesse an hower since, that I doubt I shall come too

late. Now in good truth I am exceeding prowd of my sute.

Exit.

GREX.

Cord.

Do you obserue the plunges that this poore Gallant

is put too (Signior) to purchase the Fashion.

Mit.

I, and to be still a Fashion behind with the world, that's

the sport.

Cord.

Stay: O here they come from seal'd and deliuer'd.

SCENA QUINTA.

Enter Puntarvolo, Fastidius Briske, seruing men with the Dog.

Punt.

VVell now my whole venter is forth, I will resolue to

depart shortly.

Fast.

Faith sir Puntaruolo goe to the Court, and take leane of

the Ladies first.

Punt.

I care not if it bee this afternoones labour. VVhere is

Carlo?

Fast.

Here he comes.

Enter Carlo, Sogliardo, Shift, and Macilente.

Carl.

Faith Gallants, I am persuading this Gentleman to

turne Courtier, he is a man of faire Reuenue, and his estate will

beare the charge well, besides for his other gifts of the mind,

or so, why, they are as Nature lent him 'hem, pure, simple, with-

out any Artificiall drug or mixture of these two thredbare beg-

gerly qualities, Learning and Knowledge, and therefore the more

accommodate and Genuine. Now for the life it selfe—

Fasti.

O, the most Celestiall, and full of wonder and de-

light that can bee imagin'd Signior, beyond all thought and

apprehension of Pleasure. A man liues there in that deuine

Rapture, that he will thinke himselfe i'the third Heauen for the

time, and loose all sence of Mortalitie whatsoeuer; when hee

shall behold such glorious (and almost immortall) beauties,

heare such Angelicall and Harmonious voices, discourse with

such flowing and Ambrosian spirits, whose wits as suddaine as

Lightning, and humorous as Nectar; Oh: it makes a man all

Quintessence and Flame, and lifts him vp (in a moment) to the ve-

ry Christall Crowne o'the skie, where (houering in the strẽgth

of his Imagination) he shall behold all the delights of the Hespe-

rides, the Insula Fortunatæ, Adonis gardens, Tempe, or what else

(confin'd within the amplest verge of Poesie) to bee meere Vm-

bræ, and imperfect Figures, confer'd with the most essentiall

felicitie of your Court.

Mac.

VVel this ENCOMION was not extemporall, it came

too perfectly off.

Car.

Besides Sir, you shall neuer need to goe to a hothouse,

you shall sweat there with courting your mistresse, or loosing

your money at Primero, as well as in all the Stoues in Flaunders.

Mary this sir, you must euer be sure to carrie a good strong per-

fume about you, that your mistresse Dog may smell you out

amongst the rest; and (in making loue to her) neuer feare to

be out: for you may haue a pipe of Tabacco, or a base Violl shall

hang o'the wall of purpose, will put you in presently. The

Tricks your Resolution has taught you in Tabacco, (the VVhiffe,

and those sleights) will stand you in very good Ornament

there?

Fasti.

I, to some perhaps: but, and hee should come to

my Mistresse with Tabacco (this Gentleman knowes) shee 'ld

replie vpon him yfaith. Oh. (by this bright sunne) shee has the

most acute, readie, and facetious wit, that—tut there's no

spirit able to stand her. You can report it Signior, you haue

seene her?

Punt.

Then can he report no lesse out of his judgement, I as-

sure him.

Maci.

Troth I like her well ynough, but shee's too selfe-con-

ceited me thinkes.

Fast.

I indeed, shee's a little too selfe-conceited, and 'twere

not for that Humor, she were the most to bee admir'd Ladie in

the world.

Punt.

Indeed it is a Humor that takes from her other excel-

lencies.

Maci.

VVhy it may easily bee made to forsake her in my

thought.

Fasti.

Easily Sir? then are all impossibilities easie.

Maci.

You conclude too quicke vpon me Signior, what will

you say if I make it so perspicuously appeare now, that your

selfe shall confesse nothing more possible.

Fasti.

Marry I will say, I will both applaud you, and admire you

for it.

Punt.

And I will second him.

Mac.

VVhy I'le shew you Gentlemen, Carlo come hether.

Macilente, Carlo, Puntarvolo, and Briske, whisper.

Sog.

Good faith I haue a great Humor to the Court, what

thinkes my. Resolution? shall I aduenture?

Shift.

Troth Countenance, as you please; the Place is a place of

good Reputation and Capacitie.

Sog.

O, my trickes in Tabacco (as Carlo saies) will shew excel-

lent there.

Shift.

VVhy you may goe with these Gentlemen now, and

see fashions; and after, as you shall see Correspondence.

Sog.

You say true. You will goe with me Resolution?

Shift.

I will meet you Countenance, about three or foure of

Clocke, but, to say to goe with you I cannot, for (as I am Ap-

ple Iohn) I am to goe before the Cocatrice you saw this morning,

and therefore pray, present me excus'd good Countenance.

Sog.

Farewell good Resolution, but faile not to meet.

Shift.

As I liue.

Exit Shift.

They breake silence:

Punt.

Admirably excellent.

Mac.

If you can but persuade Sogliardo to the Court, there's

all now.

Carl.

O let me alone, that's my taske:

Fast.

Now by Iesu Macilente, it's aboue measure excellent:

'twill bee the onely courtly exploit that euer prou'd Courtier

ingenious.

Punt.

Vpon my soule it puts the Ladie quite out of her Hu-

mor, and we shall laugh with judgement.

Carl.

Come, the Gentleman was of himselfe resolu'd to goe

with you, afore I mou'd it.

Mae.

VVhy then Gallants, you two and Carlo goe afore to

prepare the jeast:Sogliardo and I will come some while after

you.

Carl.

Pardon me, I am not for the Court.

Punt.

That's true: Carlo comes not at the Court indeed. well,

you shall leaue it to the facultie of Mounsieur Briske, and my

selfe; vpon our liues wee will mannage it happily. Carlo

shall bespeake supper at the Miter against wee come backe:

where we will meet, and dimple our cheeks with laughter at

the successe.

Carl.

I, but will you all promise to come.

Punt.

My selfe shall manfrede it for them: he that failes, let

his Reputation lie vnder the lash of thy tongue.

Carl.

Gods so', looke who comes here.

Enter Fungoso.

Sog.

VVhat, Nephew?

Fun.

Vncle, God saue you; did you see a Gentleman, one

Monsieur Briske? a Courtier, he goes in such a Sute as I doe.

Sog.

Here is the Gentleman Nephew, but not in such a Sute.

Fung.

Another Sute!

He Swounes.

Sog.

How now Nephew?

Fast.

VVould you speake to mee Sir?

Carl.

I, when he has recouered himselfe: poore Poll.

Punt.

Some Rosa-solis.

Maci.

How now Signior?

Fun.

I am not well Sir.

Mac.

VVhy this it is, to dog the Fashion.

Carl.

Nay come Gentlemen, remember your affaires; his

disease is nothing but the Fluxe of Apparell.

Punt.

Sirs, returne to the lodging, keepe the Cat safe; I'le

be the Dogs Guardian my selfe.

Exeunt Seruingmen.

Sog.

Nephew, will you goe to the Court with vs; these Gen-

tlemen and I are for the Court: nay be not so Melancholly.

Fung.

By Gods lid I think no man in Christendome has that

rascally fortune that I haue.

Maci.

Faith your Sute is well enough Signior.

Fun.

Nay, not for that I protest; but I had an errand to Mon-

sieurFastidius, and I haue forgot it.

Maci.

VVhy goe along to the Court with vs, and remember

it, come. Gentlemen, you three take one Boat, and Sogliardo

and I will take another: we shall be there instantly.

Fast.

Content: good Sir vouchsafe vs your pleasance.

Punt.

Farewell Carlo: remember.

Carl.

I warrant you: would I had one of Kemps shooes to

throw after you.

Punt.

Good Fortune will close the eyes of our jest, feare

not: and we shall frollicke.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Mit.

This Macilente Signior begins to bee more sociable on a

suddaine me thinkes, than he was before, there's some Portent

in't, I beleeue.

Cord.

O hee's a fellow of a strange Nature. Now do's hee (in

this calme of his Humor) plot and store vp a world of malicious

thoughts in his braine, till he is so full with 'hem, that you shall

see the very Torrent of his Envie breake forth, and against

the course of all their affections oppose it selfe so violently,

that you will almost haue wonder to thinke how 'tis possible

the current of their Dispositions shall receiue so quicke and

strong an alteration.

Mit.

I marry sir, this is that on which my Expectation has

dwelt all this while: for I must tell you Signior (though I was

loth to interrupt the Scene) yet I made it a question in mine

owne priuate discourse, how hee should properly call it, Euerie

man out of his Humor, when I saw all his Actors so strongly pur-

sue and continue their Humors?

Cord.

VVhy therein his Art appeares most full of lustre, and

approcheth nearest the life, especially when in the flame and

height of their Humors they are laid flat, it fils the eye better,

and with more contentment. How tedious a sight were it to

behold a prowd exalted tree lopt and cut downe by degrees,

when it might be feld in a moment? and to set the Axe to it, be-

fore it came to that pride and fulnesse, were as not to haue it

grow.

Mit.

VVell I shall long till I see this fall you talke of.

Cord.

To helpe your longing, Signior, let your imagination

be swifter than a paire of Oares, and by this, suppose Puntar-

volo, Briske, Fungoso, and the Dog, arriu'd at the court gate, and go-

ing vp to the great chamber. Macilente and Sogliardo, wee'le

leaue them on the water till Possibilitie and Naturall meanes

may land 'hem. Here come the Gallants, now prepare your

Expectation.

ACTUS QUINTUS, SCENA PRIMA.

Enter Puntarvolo, Fastidius Briske, Fungoso, and the Dog.

Punt.

Come Lordings. Signior you are sufficiently instructed.

Fast.

VVho I sir?

Punt.

No, this Gentleman. But stay, I take thought how to

bestow my dog, he is no competent attẽdant for the Presence.

Fast.

Masse that's true in deed knight, you must not carrie

him into the Presence.

Punt.

I know it, and I (like a dull beast) forgot to bring one

of my Cormorants to attend me.

Fast.

VVhy you're best leaue him at the Porters lodge.

Punt.

Not so: his worth is too well knowne amongst them, to

be forth-comming.

Fast.

Slight, how'll you doe then?

Punt.

I must leaue him with one that is ignorant of his quali-

tie, if I will haue him to be safe. And see; Here comes one that

will carrie coales, Ergo, will hold my Dogge. My honest friend,

may I commit the tuition of this Dog to thy prudent care?

Enter a Groome with a basket.

Groome.

You may if you please sir.

Punt.

Pray thee let me find thee here at my returne: it shall

not be long, till I will Ease thee of thy emploiment, and Please

thee. Forth Gentles.

Fast.

VVhy, but will you leaue him with so slight command,

and infuse no more charge vpon the fellow?

Punt.

Charge? no, there weare no pollicie in that; that were

to let him know the value of the Gem he holds, and so, to temp

fraile nature against her disposition. No, pray thee let thy Ho-

nestie be sweet and short.

Groome.

Yes sir.

Punt.

But heark you Gallants, and cheefely Monsieur Brisk:

VVhen wee come in eye-shot or presence of this Ladie, let

not other matters carrie vs from our Project: but (if wee can)

single her forth to some place.

Fast.

I warrant you.

Punt.

And be not too suddaine, but let the deuise induce it

selfe with good Circumstance: on.

Fun.

Is this the way? good truth here be fine hangings.

Exeunt Puntarvolo, Briske, Fungoso.

Groome.

Honestie, Sweet and Short? mary it shall sir, doubt

you not: for euen at this instant if one would giue me twentie

pounds, I would not deliuer him; there's for the Sweet: but

now, if any man come offer me but two-pence, he shall haue

him; there's for the Short now. Sbloud, what a mad Humorous

Gentleman is this to leaue his Dogge with me: I could runne

away with him now and he were worth any thing: well, I pray

God send him quickly againe.

Enter Macilente and Sogliardo.

Maci.

Come on Signior, now prepare to Court this All-wit-

ted Ladie, most Naturally and like your selfe.

Sog.

Faith and you say the word, I'le begin to her in Tabacco.

Maci.

O, fie on't. no: you shall begin with, How does my sweet

Ladie; or, Why are you so melancholly Madame? though she be very

merrie, it's all one: be sure to kisse your hand often enough;

pray for her health, and tell her, how more than most faire she is:

Screw your face a t'one side thus, & Protest; let her fleere and

looke a skaunce, and hide her Teeth with her Fanne, when

shee laughes a fitte, to bring her into more matter; that's no-

thing: you must talke forward (though it be without sense, so

it be without blushing) 'tis most Courtlike and well.

Sog.

But shall I not vse Tabacco at all?

Mac.

O, by no meanes, 'twill but make your breath suspe-

cted; and that you vse it onely to confound the rankenesse of

that.

Sog.

Nay, I'le be aduis'd sir by my friends.

Maci.

Gods my life, see where sir Puntars Dogge is.

Groome.

I would the Gentleman would returne for his fol-

lower here, I'le leaue him to his fortunes else.

Maci.

S'heart, 'twere the onely true jest in the world to poi-

son him now: ha? by Gods will I'le doe it, if I could but get

him of the fellow. Signior Sogliardo, walke aside, and thinke

vpon some deuise to entertaine the Ladie with.

Sog.

So I doe sir.

Sog. walkes off, meditating.

Mac.

How now mine honest friend? whose Dog-keeper art

thou?

Groome.

Dog-keeper sir? I hope I scorne that yfaith.

Mac.

VVhy? do'st thou not keepe a Dogge?

Groome.

Sir, now I doe, and now I doe not: I thinke this be

Sweet and Short: make me his Dog-keeper?

Throwes off the Dogge, & Exit.

Maci.

This is excellent aboue expectation: nay stay sir,

you'ld be trauailing; but I'le giue you a Dramme shall shor-

ten your voyage: here: so sir, I'le be bold to take my leaue of

you: now to the Turkes Court in the Deuils name, for you shal

neuer go on Gods name.

[Kicks him out.]

Sogliardo, come.

Sog.

I ha' 't yfaith now, will sting it.

Maci.

Take heed you leese it not Signior, ere you come

there: preserue it.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Cor.

How like you this first exploit of his?

Mit.

{ O, a piece of true Enuie, but I expect the issue of the

other deuise.

Cor.

Here they come, will make it appeare.

SCENA SECUNDA.

Enter Puntarvolo, Sauiolina, Fastidius Briske, Fungoso.

Saui.

VVy I thought Sir Puntarvolo, you had been gone your

Voyage?

Punt.

Deare, and most Amiable Ladie, your Diuine Beau-

ties doe bind me to those Offices, that I cannot depart when I

would.

Saui.

'Tis most Courtlike spoken sir; but how might we doe

to haue a sight of your Dog and Cat?

Fast.

His Dogge's in the Court, Ladie.

Saui.

And not your Cat? how dare you trust her behind you

Sir?

Punt.

Troth Madame shee hath sore eyes, and shee doth

keepe her Chamber: marry I haue left her vnder sufficient

guard: there are two of my Hinds to attend her.

Saui.

Ile giue you some VVater for her eyes: when do you

goe sir?

Punt.

Certes sweet Ladie, I know not.

Fast.

He doth stay the rather Madame, to present your Acute

judgement with so Courtly, and well-Parted a Gentleman, as

yet your Ladiship hath neuer seene.

Saui.

VVhat's hee, gentle Monsieur Briske? not that Gen-

tleman?

Fast.

No Lady, this is a Kinsman of Iustice Silence.

Punt.

Pray' sir, giue me leaue to report him: hee's a Gentle-

man (Ladie) of that rare and admirable facultie, as (I protest)

I know not his like in Europe: he is exceedingly Valiant, an ex-

cellent Scholler, and so exactly trauail'd, that hee is able in

discourse, to deliuer you a Modell of any Princes Court in the

world: 'speakes the Languages with that puritie of Phrase, and

facilitie of Accent, that it. breeds astonishment: his VVit, the

most Exuberant, and (aboue wonder) pleasant, of all that euer

entred the concaue of this eare.

Fast.

'Tis most true Ladie; mary he is no such excellent pro-

per man.

Punt.

His Trauailes haue chang'd his complexion, Madam.

Saui.

O Sir Puntarvolo, you must thinke euery man was not

borne to haue my Seruant Briskes feature.

Punt.

But that which transcends all, Ladie; he doth so Peer-

lessely imitate any manner of person for Gesture, Action, Pas-

sion, or what euer —

Fast.

I, especially a Rusticke or a Clowne Madam, that it is

not possible for the sharpest-sighted wit (in the world) to dis-

cerne any sparkes of the Gentleman in him, when he does it.

Saui.

O Monsieur Briske, be not so Tyranous to confine all

VVits within the compasse of your owne: Not find the sparks

of a Gentleman in him, if he be a Gentleman?

Fun.

No in truth (sweet Ladie) I beleeue you cannot.

Saui.

Doe you beleeue so? why I can find sparkes of a Gen-

tleman in you Sir.

Punt.

I, he is a Gentleman Madam, and a Reueller.

Fung.

Indeed I thinke I haue seene your Ladiship at our Re-

uels.

Saui.

Like enough sir: but would I might see this wonder

you talke of: may one haue a sight of him for any reasonable

summe?

Punt.

Yes Madam, he will arriue presently.

Saui.

VVhat, and shall we see him Clowne it?

Fast.

I faith (sweet Ladie) that you shall: see here he comes.

Enter Macilente with Sogliardo.

Punt.

This is hee; pray obserue him Ladie.

Saui.

Beshrew me, he Clownes it properly indeed.

Punt.

Nay, marke his Courtship.

Sog.

How does my sweet Ladie; hote and moist? Beautifull and

lustie? ha?

Saui.

Beautifull and it please you sir, but not lustie.

Sog.

O ho Ladie; it pleases you to say so in truth: and how

does my sweet Ladie; in health?Bonaroba, quæso? que Novelles?

que Novelles? Sweet creature.

Saui.

O exceellent: why Gallants, is this hee that cannot be

Decipher'd? they were very bleare-witted yfaith that could

not discerne the Gentleman in him.

Punt.

But doe you, in earnest Ladie?

Saui.

Doe I sir? why if you had any true Court-judgement

in the carriage of his eye, and that inward power that forms

his countenance, you might perceiue his counterfaiting as

cleere as the noone day: Alas; Nay if you would haue tried my

VVit indeed, you should neuer haue told me hee was a Gen-

tleman, but presented him for a true Clowne indeed; and then

haue seene if I could haue Decipher'd him.

Fast.

'Fore God, her Ladiship sayes true (Knight:) but does

he not affect the Clowne most naturally, Mistresse?

Punt.

O, shee cannot but affirme that, out of the Bountie

of her Iudgement.

Saui.

Nay out of doubt hee does well, for a Gentleman to

imitate; but I warrant you, he becomes his Naturall carriage

of the Gentleman, much better than his Clownerie.

Fast.

'Tis straunge in truth, her Ladiship should see so farre

into him.

Punt.

I, is't not.

Saui.

Faith as easily as may bee: not Decipher him, quoth

you?

Fun.

Good sadnesse, I wonder at it.

Mac.

VVhy, has shee Decipher'd him, Gentlemen?

Punt.

O most miraculonsly, and beyond Admiration.

Mac.

Is't possible?

Fast.

Shee hath giuen most infallible signes of the Gentle-

man in him, that's certaine.

Saui.

VVhy Gallants, let me laugh at you a little: was this

your deuice, to try my judgement in a Gentleman?

Maci.

Nay Ladie, doe not scorne vs, though you haue this

gift of Perspicacie aboue others: VVhat if he should be no Gen-

tleman now, but a Clowne indeed Ladie?

Punt.

How thinke you of that? would not your Ladiship be

out of your Humour?

Fast.

O, but she knowes it is not so.

Saui.

VVhat if he were not a man, yee may as well say? nay

if your VVorships could Gull me so indeed, you were wiser

than you are taken for.

Maci.

In good faith Ladie, hee is a verie perfect Clowne, both

by Father and Mother: that I'le assure you.

Saui.

O Sir, you are very pleasurable.

Maci.

Nay, do but looke on his Hand, and that shall resolue

you: Looke you Ladie, what a Palme here is.

Sog.

Tut, that was with holding the Plough.

Maci.

The Plough! did you diceerne any such thing in him

Madame?

Fast.

Faith no, she saw the Gentleman as bright as at noon-

day shee: she decipher'd him at first.

Maci.

Troth I am sorrie your Ladiships sight should be so

suddainly strooke.

Saui.

O, you're goodly Beagles!

Fast.

VVhat, is shee gone?

Sog.

Nay stay sweet Ladie; Que Novelles, Que Novelles.

Saui.

Out, you foole you.

Exit Saui.

Fung.

Shee's out of her Humor yfaith.

Fast.

Nay, let's follow it while'tis hot Gentlemen.

Punt.

Come, on mine Honour wee'le make her blush in the

Presence: my splene is great with laughter.

Maci.

Your laughter will be a child of a feeble life I beleeue

sir. Come Signior, your lookes are too dejected me thinkes:

why mixe you not mirth with the rest?

Fun.

By Gods will this Sute frets me at the Soule. I'le haue

it alter'd to morrow sure.

Exeunt.

Enter Shift.

Shift.

I am come to the Court to meet with my Countenance

Sogliardo: poore men must be glad of such Countenance, when

they can get no better. VVel, Need may insult vpon a man, but

it shall neuer make him despaire of Consequence: The world

will say, 'tis base; tush, base! 'tis base to liue vnder the earth,

not base to liue aboue it, by any meanes.

Enter Puntarvolo, Fastidius, Sogliardo, Fungoso, Macilente.

Fast.

The poore Lady is most miserably out of her Humour

yfaith.

Punt.

There was neuer so wittie a jeast broken at the Tilt, of

all the Court wits christen'd.

Maci.

O, this applause taints it fowly.

Sog.

I thinke I did my part in Courting. O Resolution!

Punt.

Aye me, my Dogge.

Maci.

VVhere is hee?

Fast.

Gods pretious, go seeke for the fellow, good Signior.

Sends away Fungoso.

Punt.

Here, here I left him.

Maci.

VVhy none was here when we came in now, but Ca-

ualier Shift, enquire of him.

Fast.

Did you see Sir Puntarvolos Dogge here Cavalier, since

you came?

Shift.

His Dog sir? he may looke his Dog sir; I see none of

his Dog sir.

Maci.

Vpon my life hee hath stol'ne your Dog sir, and been

hir'd to it by some that haue ventur'd with you; you may gesse

by his peremptorie answeres.

Pun.

Not vnlike; for he hath been a notorious theefe by his

owne confession. Sirrah, where's my Dogge?

Shist.

Charge me with your Dog sir? I ha' none of your Dog

Sir.

Punt.

Villaine, thou lyest.

Shift.

Lie sir? S'blood y'are but a man sir.

Punt.

Rogue and Thiefe, restore him.

Sog.

Take heed sir Puntarvolo what you doe; hee'le beare no

coales I can tell you (of my word.)

Maci.

This is rare.

Sog.

It's mar'le he stabs you not: by this Light, he hath stab'd

fortie for fortie times lesse matter, I can tell you, of my know-

ledge.

Punt.

I will make thee stoupe, thou Abject.

Sog.

Make him stoupe sir! Gentlemen pacifie him or hee'le

be kill'd.

Maci.

Is he so tall a man?

Sog.

Tall a man? if you loue his life stand betwixt 'hem.

make him stoupe!

Punt.

My Dog Villaine, or I will hang thee: thou hast con-

fest robberies, and other Fellonious acts to this Gentleman thy

Countenance.

Sog.

I'le beare no witnesse.

Punt.

And without my Dog I will hang thee, for them.

Shift kneeles.

Sog.

VVhat? kneele to thine enemie?

Shift.

Pardon me good sir; God is my Iudge I neuer did

Robberie in all my life.

Enter Fungoso.

Fung.

O sir Puntarvolo, your Dog lies giuing vp the ghost in

the wood-yard.

Maci.

S'blood is he not dead yet?

Punt.

O, my Dogge borne to disastrous fortune! pray you

conduct me sir.

Exit Punt. with Fung.

Sog.

How? did you neuer doe any robberie in your life?

Maci.

O this is good: so he swore sir.

Sog.

I, I heard him. And did you sweare true sir?

Shift.

I (as God shall haue part of my soule Sir) I ne're rob'd

any man I; neuer stood by the high way side sir, but only said

so, because I would get my self a name & be counted a tall mã.

Sog.

Now out base Viliaco: Thou my Resolution? I thy Counte-

nance? By this light Gentlemen, he hath confest to me the most

inexorable companie of Robberies, and damn'd himselfe that

he did 'hem; you neuer heard the like: out skoundrell out,

follow me no more I commaund thee: out of my sight, goe,

hence, speake not: I will not heare thee; away Camouccio.

Mac.

O, how I do feed vpon this now, and fat my self? here

were a couple vnexpectedly dishumor'd: well, by this time I

hope sir Puntarvolo and his Dog are both out of Humor to tra-

uaile: nay Gentlemen, why do you not seeke out the Knight,

and comfort him? our Supper at the Mitre must of necessitie

hold to night, if you loue your Reputations.

Fast.

'Fore God I am so Melancholly for his Dogs disaster,

but I'le goe.

Sog.

Faith and I may goe too, but I know I shall be so Melan-

(cholly.

Mac.

Tush, Melancholly? you must forget that now, and re-

member you lie at the mercie of a Furie: Carlo will rácke your

sinews asunder, and raile you to dust if you come not.

Exeunt.

GREX.

Mit.

O then their feare of Carlo belike, makes them hold

their meeting.

Cor.

I, here he comes: conceiue him but to bee enter'd

the Mitre, and 'tis enough.

SCENA TERTIA.

Enter Carlo.

Carl.

Holla: where be these Shot-sharkes?

Enter Drawer.

Draw.

By and by: you're welcome good Master Buffone.

Carl.

VVhere's George? call me George hither quickly.

Draw.

VVhat wine please you haue Sir? I'le draw you that's

neat Master Buffone.

Carl.

Away Neophite, doe as I bid; bring my deare George to

me: Masse here he comes.

Enter George.

Georg.

VVelcome Master Carlo.

Carl.

VVhat's Supper readie, George?

Georg.

I sir, almost: will you haue the cloath laid, Master

Carlo?

Carl.

O, what else: are none of the Gallants come yet?

Georg.

None yet sir.

Carl.

Stay, take me with you George: let me haue a good fat

Loyne of Porke laid to the fire presently.

Georg.

It shall sir.

Carl.

And withall, heare you? draw me the biggest shaft you

haue out of the But you wot of: away, you know my meaning

George, quicke.

George.

Done sir.

Exit.

Carl.

Sbloud, I neuer hungred so much for thing in my life,

as I doe to know our Gallants successe at the Court: now is

that leane Bald-rib Macilente, that salt Villaine, plotting some

mischieuous deuise, and lyes a soaking in their frothy Humors

like a dry crust, till he has drunke 'hem all vp: could the Kecks

but hold vp's eyes at other mens happinesse in any reasonable

proportion, S'lid the slaue were to be loued next Heauen, a-

boue Honour, VVealth, rich Fare, Apparell, VVenches, all the

delights of the Belly, and the Groine, whateuer.
Enter Geor.

Geor.

Here Master Carlo.

Carl.

Is't right, Boy?

Geor.

I sir, I assure you 'tis right.

Carl.

VVell said my deare George, depart: Come, my small

Gymblet, you in the false scabberd, away; so:

Puts forth the Drawer
and shuts the dore.

Now to you sir Burgomaster, let's tast of

your Bountie.

GREX.

Mit.

VVhat, will he deale vpon such quantities of VVine

alone.

Cor.

You shall perceiue that sir.

He drinkes.

Car.

I marry sir, here's puritie? O George, I could bite off

athy nose for this now: Sweet Rogue, hee has drawne Nectar,

the very Soule of the Grape: I'le wash my temples with some

on't presently, and drinke some halfe a score draughts; 'twill

heat the Braine, kindle my Imagination, I shall talke nothing

but Crackers and Fire-worke to night. So sir; Please you to

be here sir, and I here: So.

He sets the two cups asunder, and first drinkes with the
one, and pledges with the other.

GREX.

Cord.

This is worth the obseruation, Signior.

Carl. 1 cup.

Now sir, here's to you; and I present you with

so much of my loue.

2 Cup.

I take it kindly from you Sir. (Drinks.) And will return

you the like proportion: but withall sir, remembring the mer-

rie night we had at the Countesses; you know where sir.

1 Cup.

By Iesu you doe put me in mind now of a very neces-

sarie office, which I wil propose in your pledge sir: The health

of that honorable Countesse, and the sweet Ladie that sat by

her sir.

2

I do vail to it with reuerence. (Drinks.)

2.

And now Signior,

with these Ladies, I'le be bold to mixe the health of your Di-

uine Mistresse.

1.[unclear]

Doe you know her sir?

2

O Lord sir, I, and

in the respectfull memorie and mention of her, I could wish

this VVine were the most pretious drugge in the world.

1

Good faith sir, you do honor me in't exceedingly. (Drinks.)

GREX.

Mit.

{ VVhome should he personate in this, Signior?

Cor.

Faith I know not sir, obserue, obserue him.

2

If it were the basest filth or mudde that runnes in the

channell, I am bound to pledge it by God sir. (Drinks.) And

now sir, here is againe a replenisht bowle sir, which I will reci-

procally returne vpon you to the health of the Count Frugale.

1

The Count Frugales health sir? I'le pledge it on my knees by

Iesu.

2

VVill you sir? Ile drinke it on my knees then, by the

Lord. (Drinkes.)

GREX.

Mit.

VVhy this is strange.

Cor.

Ha'you heard a better drunken Dialogue?

2

Nay, do me right Sir.

1

So I doe in good faith.

2

Good

faith you doe not; mine was fuller.

1

VVhy by Iesu it was

not.

2

By Iesu it was, and you doe lie.

1

Lie sir.

2

I Sir.

1

S'wounds you Rascall.

2

O, come, stabbe if you haue a

mind to it.

1

Stabbe? dost thou thinke I dare not?[In his
owne person.] Nay, I beseech you Gentlemen, what meanes

this; nay looke, for shame respect your Reputations.

Ouer-turnes Wine, Pot, Cuppes, and all.

Enter Macilente.

Mac.

VVhy how now Carlo; what Humor's this?

Carl.

O my good Mischiefe, art thou come? where are the

rest? where are the rest?

Mac.

Faith three of our Ordinance are burst.

Carl.

Burst? how comes that?

Mac.

Faith ouer-charg'd, ouer-charg'd.

Carl.

But did not the traine hold?

Mac.

O yes, and the poore Ladie is irrecouerably blown vp.

Carl.

VVhy, but which of the Munition is miscarried? ha?

Maci.

Inprimis, Sir Puntarvolo: next, the Countenance, and Re-

solution.

Carl.

How? how for the loue of God?

Mac.

Troth the Resolution is proou'd Recreant; the Counte-

nance hath chang'd his Coppie; and the Passionate Knight, is

shedding Funerall teares ouer his departed Dogge.

Carl.

VVhat's his Dogge dead?

Mac.

Poison'd 'tis thought: mary how, or by whom, that's

left for some Cunning woman heere o'the Banke-side to re-

solue: For my part, I know nothing, more than that wee are

like to haue an exceeding Melancholly Supper of it.

Carl.

S'life, and I had purpos'd to be extraordinarily merry:

I had drunke off a good Preparatiue of old Sacke here: but

will they come, will they come?

Mac.

They will assuredly come: marry Carlo (as thou lou'st

me) runne ouer 'hem all freely to night, and especially the

Knight; spare no Sulphurous jest that may come out of that

sweatie Forge of thine, but ply 'hem with all manner of Shot,

Minion, Saker, Culverine, or any thing what thou wilt.

Car.

I warrant thee my deare Case of Petrionels, so I stand not

in dread of thee, but that thou'lt second me.

Maci.

VVhy my good Germane Tapster, I will.

Car.

VVhat George. Lomtero, Lomtero, &c.

Daunceth.

Georg.

Did you call, Master Carlo?

Carl.

More Nectar, George: Lomtero, &c.

Geor.

Your meat's readie sir and your companie were come.

Carl.

Is the Loine a Porke enough?

Georg.

I Sir, it is enough.

Maci.

Porke? S'heart what dost thou with such a greasie

Dish; I thinke thou dost Varnish thy face with the fat on't, it

lookes so like a Glew-pot.

Carl.

True, my Raw-bon'd Rogue: and if thou would'st

farce thy leane Ribs with it too, they would not (like ragged

Lathes) rub out so many Dublets as they do: but thou know'st

not a good Dish, thou. O, it's the only nourishing meat in the

world: No maruaile though that saucie stubborne Genera-

tion the Iewes, were forbidden it: for what would they ha'

done, well pamper'd with fat Porke, that durst murmure

at their maker out of Garlicke and Onions. Sblood fed with

it, the horson strummell patcht, Goggle-ey'd Grumbledo-

ryes, would ha' Gigantomachiz'd. VVell said my sweet George,

fill, fill.

GREX.

Mit.

This sauours too much of Prophanation.

Cor.

O servetur ad imum, qualis ab incepte proccsserit, & sibi con-

stet. The necessitie of his vaine compels a tolleratiõ:

for, barre this, and dash him out of Humor before his

time.

Carl.

'Tis an Axiome in Naturall Philosophie, What comes nea-

rest the Nature of that it feeds, conuerts quicker to nourishment, and doth

sooner essentiate. Now nothing in Flesh and Entrailes, assimulates

or resembles Man more, than a Hog or Swine. (Drinkes.)

Mac.

True; and hee (to requite their courtesie) oftentimes

d'offeth off his owne Nature, and puts on theirs; as when hee

becomes as churlish as a Hogge, or as drunke as a Sow: but to

your conclusion.

(Drinkes.)

Carl.

Marry I say, nothing resembling Man more than a

Swine, it followes, nothing can be more nourishing: for in-

deed (but that it abhorres from our nice Nature) if we fed one

vpon another, we should shoot vp a great deale faster, & thriue

much better: I referre me to your Long-lane Cannibals, or such

like: but since 'tis so contrarie, Porke, Porke, is your only

feed.

Maci.

I take it your Deuill be of the same Diet; hee would

ne're ha' desir'd to been incorporated into Swine else. O here

comes the Melancholly messe: vpõ 'hem Carlo, charge, charge.

Enter Puntarvolo, Fastidius, Sogliardo, Fungoso.

Carl.

'Fore God sir Puntarvolo, I am sorie for your heauinesse;

Bodie a mee, a shrewd mischaunce: why had you no Vnicorne

horne, nor Bozars stone about you? ha?

Punt.

Sir, I would request you be silent.

Maci.

Nay, to him againe.

Carl.

Take comfort good Knight, if your Cat ha' recouered

her Cataract, feare nothing; your Dogges mischaunce may be

holpen.

Fact.

Say how (sweet Carlo) for so God mend me, the poore

Knights mones draw mee into fellowship of his misfortunes.

But be not discouraged good sir Puntarvolo, I am content your

aduenture shall be perform'd vpon your Cat.

Maci.

I belecue you Musk-cod, I beleeue you, for rather

than thou would'st make present repaimẽt, thou would'st take

it vpon his owne bare returne from Callice.

Carl.

Nay Gods life, hee'ld be content (so he were well rid

out of his companie) to pay him fiue for one at his next mee-

ting him in Paules. But for your Dogge, sir Puntar, if he be not

out-right dead, there is a friend of mine a Quack-saluer, shall

put life in him againe, that's certaine.

Fung.

O no, that comes too late.

Maci.

Gods pretious Knight, will you suffer this?

Punt.

Drawer; get me a Candle and hard waxe presently.

Sog.

I, and bring vp Supper; for I am so Melancholly.

Car.

Ah Signior, where's your Resolution?

Sog.

Resolution! hang him Rascall: O Carlo, if you loue me doe

not mention him.

Carl.

VVhy, how so? how so?

Sog.

O the arrant'st Crocodile that euer Christian was acquain-

ted with. By Iesu, I shall thinke the worse of Tabacco while I

liue for his sake: I did thinke him to be as tall a man —

Maci.

Nay Buffone, the Knight, the Knight.

Car.

Sblood, hee lookes like an Image carued out of Boxe,

full of knots: his Face is (for all the world) like a Dutch purse

with the mouth downward; his beard's the Tassels: and hee

walkes (let me see) as Melancholly as one o'the Masters side

in the Counter. Doe you heare sir Puntar?

Punt.

Sir, I doe entreat you no more, but enjoyne you to

silence, as you affect your peace.

Car.

Nay but deare Knight vnderstand (here are none but

friends, & such as wish you well) I would ha' you do this now;

Flea me your Dog presently (but in any case keep the head) &

stuffe his skin well with straw, as you see these dead monsters

at Bartholmew faire.

Punt.

I shall be suddaine I tell you.

Car.

Or if you like not that sir, get me somewhat a lesse dog

and clap into the skin; here's a slaue about the towne here, a

Iew, one Yohan; or a fellow that makes Periwigs will glew it on

artificially, it shall ne're bee discern'd; besides, 'twill be so much

the warmer for the Hound to travell in you know.

Maci.

Sir Puntarvolo, Sdeath can you be so patient?

Carl.

Or thus Sir: you may haue (as you come through Ger-

manie) a Familiar for little or nothing shall turn it selfe into the

shape of your Dog, or any thing (what you will) for certaine

howers: Gods my life knight, what do you me ane? youle offer

no violence, will you? Hold, hold.

Punt.

Sbloud you slaue, you Bandog you.

Carlo.

As you loue God, stay the enraged knight, Gentle-

men.

Punt.

By my knighthood, hee that stirres in his rescue, dies.

Drawer be gone.

Carl.

Murder, murder, murder.

Punt.

I, are you houling, you VVolfe? Gentlemen, as you

tender your liues, suffer no man to enter, till my reuenge bee

perfect. Sirha Buffone, lie downe; make no exclamations, but

downe; downe you Curre, or I will make thy blood flow on my

Rapier hilts.

Carl.

Sweet knight hold in thy furie, and 'fore God I'le ho-

nour thee more than the Turke do's Mahomet.

Pun.

Downe (I say.) VVhose there?

Within.

Const.

Here's the Constable, open the dores.

Carl.

Good Macilente.

Punt.

Open no dore, if the Adalantado of Spaine were here,

he should not enter: On, helpe me with the light, Gentlemen:

you knocke in vaine sir officer.

Carl.

Et tu Brute.

Punt.

Sirha close your lips, or I will drop it in thine eyes by

heauen.

Carl.

O,O.

They seale vp his lips.

Const.

Open the dore, or I will breake it open.

Maci.

Nay good Constable haue patience a little, you shall

come in presently, we haue almost done.

Punt.

So; now, are you out of your humor sir. Shift Gentle-

men.

They all draw & Exeunt.

Enter Constable with Officers, and stay Briske.

Const.

Lay hold vpon this gallant, and pursue the rest.

Fast.

Lay hold on me sir! for what?

Const.

Mary for your riot here sir, with the rest of your com-

panions.

Fast.

My riot! God's my judge, take heed what you doe;

Carlo did I offer any violence?

Const.

O sir, you see he is not in case to answere you, & that

makes you so paramptorie.

Fast.

Peremptorie, Slife I appeale to the Drawers, if I did

him any hard measure.

Enter George.

Georg.

They are all gone, there's none of them will bee laid

any hold on.

Const.

VVell sir, you are like to answere till the rest can bee

found out.

Fast.

Sbloud I appeale to George here.

Const.

Tut George was not here: away with him to the Counter

sirs. Come sir you were best get your selfe drest somewhere.

Exeunt.

Manent two Drawers.

Geor.

Good Lord that maister Carlo could not take heed, and

knowing what a Gentleman the knight is if he be angrie.

Drawer.

A poxe on 'hem, they haue left all the meat on our

hands, would they were choakt with it for me.

Enter Macilente.

Mac.

VVhat are they gone sirs.

Georg.

O here's maister Macilente.

Mac.

Sirha George do' you see that concealement there? that

Napkin vnder the Table?

Geor.

Gods so', Signior Fungoso!

Maci.

Hee's a good pawne for the reckoning; be sure you

keepe him here, and let him not goe away till I come againe,

though he offer to discharge all; I'le returne presently.

Geor.

Sirrah, we haue a pawne for the Reckoning.

Draw.

VVhat? of Macilente?

Geor.

No; looke vnder the Table.

Fung.

I hope all be quiet now; if I can get but forth of this

street, I care not. Masters, I pray you tell me, is the Constable

gone?

Lookes out under the Table.

Georg.

VVhat? Master Fungoso?

Fun.

VVas't not a good deuise the same of me Sirs?

Geor.

Yes faith; ha' you been here all this while?

Fun.

O God I: good sirs looke and the coast be cleere, I'ld

faine be going.

Geor.

All's cleere Sir, but the Reckoning; and that you must

cleare and pay before you goe, I assure you.

Fung.

I pay? S'light, I eate not a bit since I came into the

house yet.

Draw.

VVhy you may when you please sir, 'tis all ready be-

low that was bespoken.

Fung.

Bespoken? not by me, I hope?

Geor.

By you sir? I know not that: but 'twas for you and your

companie, I am sure.

Fun.

My companie? S'lid I was an inuited guest, so I was.

Draw.

Faith we haue nothing to doe with that Sir, they're all

gone but you, and we must be answer'd; that's the short and

the long on't.

Fung.

Nay, if you will grow to extremities, my Masters, then

would this Pot, Cup, and all were in my belly, if I haue a crosse

about me.

Geor.

VVhat, and haue such Apparell? Doe not say so, Sig-

nior, that mightily discredits your clothes.

Fung.

By Iesu the Taylour had all my money this morning,

and yet I must be faine to alter my Sute too: good sirs, let me

goe, 'tis Friday night; and in good truth I haue no stomack in

the world to eat any thing.

Draw.

That's no matter so you pay sir.

Fung.

Pay? Gods light, with what conscience can you aske

me to pay that I neuer dranke for?

Geor.

Yes sir, I did see you drinke once.

Fung.

By this Cup (which is siluer) but you did not, you doe

mee infinite wrong, I look't in the pot once indeed, but I

did not drinke.

Draw.

VVell sir, if you can satisfie my Maister, it shall be all

one to vs. By and by.

One cals George within.
Exeunt.

GREX.

Cord.

{ Loose not your selfe now Signior.

Enter Macilente and Deliro.

Maci.

Tut sir, you did beare too hard a conceit of me in that,

but I will now make my loue to you most transparent, in spight

of any dust of suspition, that may bee raised to dimme it: and

henceforth since I see it is so against your Humor, I will neuer

labour to persuade you.

Deli.

VVhy I thanke you Signior, but what's that you tell

me may concerne my peace so much?

Mac.

Faith sir 'tis thus. Your wiues brother Signior Fungoso, being

at supper to night at a Tauerne with a sort of Gallants: there

happened some diuision amongst 'hem, and he is left in pawne

for the Reckoning: now if euer you looke that time shall pre-

sent you with a happie occasion to doe your wife some graci-

ous and acceptable seruice, take hold of this Opportunitie, and

presently go and redeeme him; for being her brother, and his

credite so amply engaged as now it is, when shee shall heare

(as he cannot himselfe, but hee must out of extremitie report

it) that you came and offered your selfe so kindly, and with

that respect of his Reputation, Slud the benefit cannot but

make hir doat, and grow mad of your affections.

Deli.

Now by heauen Macilente, I acknowledge my selfe ex-

ceedingly indebted to you, by this kind tender of your loue;

and I am sorry to remember that I was euer so rude to neglect

a friend of your worth, bring me shoes and a cloke there, I was

going to bed if you had not come, what Tauerne is it?

Maci.

The Miter sir.

Deli.

O; why Fido, my shoes. Good faith it cannot but please

her exceedingly.

Enter Fallace.

Fall.

Come, I mar'le what peece of nightworke you haue in

hand now, that you call for your cloke and your shoes: what, is

this your Pandor?

Deli.

O sweet wife speak lower, I would not he should heare

thee for a world—

Fall.

Hang him rascall, I cannot abide him for his trecherie,

with his wild quicke-set beard there. VVhether goe you now

with him?

Deli.

No whether with him deare wife, I goe alone to a place,

from whence I will returne instantly. Good Macilente acquaint

not her with it by any meanes, it may come so much the more

accepted, frame some other answere, I'le come backe immedi-

ately.

Exit Deliro.

Fall.

Nay, and I be not worthy to know whether you go, stay

till I take knowledge of your comming backe.

Mac.

Heare you mistres Deliro.

Fall.

So Sir, and what say you?

Mac.

Faith Ladie, my intents will not deserue this slight re-

spect, when you shall know 'hem.

Fall.

Your intents? why, what may your intents be for Gods

sake?

Mac.

Troth the time allows no circumstance Ladie, therfore

know, this was but a deuise to remoue your Husband hence, &

bestow him securely, whilest(with more conueniencie) I might

report to you a misfortune that hath happened to Mounsieur

Briske; nay comfort sweet Ladie. This night (being at supper) a

sort of young Gallants committed a Riot, for the which hee

(onely) is apprehended and caried to the Counter, where if your

Husband and other Creditors should but haue knowledge of

him, the poore Gentleman were vndone for euer.

Fall.

Aye me, that he were.

Maci.

Now therefore, if you can thinke vpon any present

meanes for his deliuerie, doe not forslow it. A bribe to the offi-

cer that committed him, will doe it.

Fall.

O God Sir, he shall not want for a bribe: pray you, will

you commend me to him, and say I'le visit him presently.

Mac.

No Ladie, I shall do you better seruice in protracting

your husbands returne, that you may goe with more safetie?

Exit.

Fall.

Good truth so you may; fare well good Sir. Lord how a

woman may be mistaken in a man? I would haue sworne vpon

all the Testaments in the world he had not lou'd maister Briske.

Bring me my keyes there maid: Alasse good Gentleman, if all

I haue i' this earthly world will pleasure him, it shall bee at his

seruice.

Exit.

GREX.

Mitis.

How Macilente sweats i' this businesse, if you marke

him?

Cord.

I, you shall see the true picture of Spight anone, here

comes the Pawne and his Redeemer.

Enter Deliro, Fungoso, Drawer following them.

Deli.

Come Brother, be not discourag'd for this man, what?

Drawer.

No truly, I am not discourag'd, but I protest to you

Brother I haue done imitating any more Gallants either in

purse or apparrell, but as shall become a Gentleman for good

carriage or so.

Deli.

You say well. This is all i' the bill here? is't not?

Georg.

I Sir.

Deli.

There's your money, tell it: and Brother, I am glad I

met with so good occasion to shew my loue to you.

Fung.

I will studie to deserue it in good truth, and I liue.

Deli.

VVhat is't right?

Geor.

I Sir, and I thanke you.

Fung.

Let me haue a Capons legge sau'd, now the reckoning

is paid.

Geor.

You shall Sir:

Exit.
Enter Macilente.

Mac.

VVhere's Signior Deliro?

Deli.

Here Macilente.

Maci.

Harke you sir, ha' you dispatcht this same?

Deli.

I marry haue I.

Maci.

VVell then, I can tell you newes, Briske is i' the Coun-

ter.

Deli.

I' the Counter?

Mac.

'Tis true Sir, committed for the stirre here to night.

Now would I haue you send your brother home afore, with the

report of this your kindnesse done him to his sister, which will

so pleasingly possesse her, and out of his mouth too, that i' the

meane time you may clap your Action on Briske, and your wife

(being in so happie a mood) cannot entertaine it ill by any

meanes.

Deli.

'Tis very true, she cannot indeed, I thinke.

Mac.

Thinke? why 'ts past thought, you shall neuer meet

the like opportunitie, I assure you.

Deli.

I will doe it. Brother pray you go home afore, this Gent.

and I haue some priuate businesse; and tell my sweet wife, I'le

come presently.

Fung.

I will Brother.

Maci.

And Signior, acquaint your sister, how liberally and

out of his bountie, your brother has vs'd you. (Doe you see?)

made you a man of good Reckoning; redeem'd that you ne-

uer were possest of, Credite; gaue you as Gentlemanlike terms

as might be; found no fault with your comming behind the fa-

shion; nor nothing.

Fung.

Nay I am out of those Humors now.

Maci.

VVell, if you be out, keepe your distance, and be not

made a Shot-clog no more. Come Signior, let's make hast.

Exeunt.

Enter Briske and Fallace.

Fallace.

O maister Fastidius, what pittie is't to see so sweet

a man as you are, in so soure a place?

and kisses him.

GREX.

Cord.

As vpon her lips do's she meane?

Mit.

O, this is to be imagin'd the Counter belike?

Fast.

Troth faire Ladie, 'tis first the pleasure of the Fates,

and next of the Constable to haue it so, but, I am patient, and

indeed comforted the more in your kind visitation.

Fall.

Nay, you shall bee comforted in me more than this, if

you please Sir. I sent you word by my Brother Sir, that my hus-

band laid to rest you this morning, I know not whether you re-

ceiu'd it, or no?

Fast.

No beleeue it, sweet Creature, your Brother gaue mee

no such intelligence.

Fall.

O the Lord!

Fast.

But has your husband any such purpose?

Fall.

O God Maister Briske, yes: and therefore bee presently

discharg'd; for if he come with his Actions vpon you (Lord de-

liuer you) you are in for one halfe a score yeare; he kept a poor

man in Ludgate once, twelue year for sixteene shillings. VVhere's

your keeper, for Gods loue call him, let him take a bribe, and

dispatch you, Lord how my heart trembles! here are no spies?

are there?

Fast.

No sweet mistresse, why are you in this passion?

Fall.

O Christ Maister Fastidius, if you knew how I tooke vp

my husband to day, when he said he would arrest you; and how

I rail'd at him that persuaded him to't, the Scholler there, (who

on my conscience loues you now) & what care I tooke to send

you intelligence by my Brother; and how I gaue him foure So-

ueraignes for his paines; and now, how I came running out

hether without man or boy with mee, so soone as I heard on't;

you'ld say, I were in a Passion indeed: your keeper for Gods

sake. O Maister Briske (as 'tis in Euphues) Hard is the choise, when one

is compelled either by silence to die with greefe, or by speaking to liue with.

shame

Fast.

Faire Ladie I conceiue you, and may this kisse assure

you, that where Aduersitie hath (as it were) contracted, Pros-

peritie shall not—Gods light your Husband.

Fall.

O mee!

Enter Deliro, Macilente.

Deli.

I? is't thus!

Maci.

Why how now Signior Deliro? has the VVolfe seene

you? ha? hath Gorgors head made marble on you?

Deli.

Some Planet strike me dead.

Maci.

VVhy looke you Sir, I told you, you might haue sus-

pected this long afore, had you pleas'd; and ha'sau'd this labor

of Admiration now, and Passion, and such extremities as this

fraile lumpe of Flesh is subiect vnto. Nay, why doe you not

dote now Signior? Me thinks you should say it were some En-

chantment, Deceptio visus , or so, ha? if you could persuade your

selfe it were a dreame now, twere excellent: faith trie what

you can doe Signior; it may bee your Imagination will bee

brought to it in time, there's nothing impossible.

Fall.

Sweet Husband?

Deli.

Out lasciuious Strumpet.

Exit Deliro.

Maci.

VVhat?? did you see how ill that stale vain be came him

afore, of Sweet VVife, and Deare heart? and are you falne

just into the same now? with Sweet Husband. Away, follow

him, goe, keepe state, what? Remember you are a woman: turn

impudent: gi' him not the head, though you gi' him the horns,

Away.

Exit Fallace.

And yet mee thinkes you should take your leaue of Infans-per-

dus here, your forlorn hope. How now Mounsieur Brisk: what?

Friday at night? and in affliction too? and yet your Pulpa-

menta? your delicate Morsels: I perceiue the affection of La-

dies and Gentlewomen, pursues you wheresoeuer you goe

Mounsieur.

Fast.

Now in good faith (and as I am Gentle) there could not

haue come a thing i' this world to haue distracted mee more

than the wrinckled fortunes of this poore Dame.

Maci.

O yes Sir: I can tell you a thing will distract you

much better, beleeue it. Signior Deliro has entred three Actions

against you, three Actions Mounsieur: mary one of them (I'le

put you in comfort) is but three thousand mark, and the other

two some fiue thousand pound together, trifles, trifles.

Fast.

O God, I am vndone.

Maci.

Nay not altogether so Sir, the Knight must haue his

hundred pound repai'd, that 'll helpe too, and then sixescore

pound for a Diamond: you know where?? these be things will

weigh Mounsieur; they will weigh.

Fast.

O Iesu!

Maci.

What doe you sigh? this it is to kisse the hand of a

Countesse, to haue hir Coach sent for you, to hang Poinards in

Ladies garters, to weare Bracelets of their haire, and for euery

one of these great fauours to giue some slight Iewell of fiue

hundred crownes, or so, why 'tis nothing. Now Mounsieur, you

see the plague that treads o'the heeles of your fopperie, well,

goe your waies in; Remoue your selfe to the two-penny ward

quickly to saue charges, and there set vp your rest to spend Sir

Puntars hundred pound for him. Away

Exit Briske.

good Pomander, goe.

VVhy here's a change: Now is my soule at peace,

I am as emptie of all Envie now,

As they of Merit to be envied at,

My Humor (like a flame) no longer lasts

Than it hath stuffe to feed it, and their vertue,

Being now rak't vp in embers of their Follie,

Affords no ampler Subject to my Spirit;

I am so farre from malicing their states,

That I begin to pittie 'hem: it greeues me

To thinke they haue a being; I could wish

They might turne wise vpon it, and be sau'd now,

So Heauen were pleas'd: but let them vanish Vapors.

And now with Aspers tongue (though not his shape)

Kind Patrons of our sports (you that can judge,

And with discerning thoughts measure the pace

Of our strange Muse in this her Maze of Humor,

You, whose true Notions doe confine the formes

And nature of sweet Poesic) to you

I tendersolemne and most duteous thankes,

For your stretcht patience and attentiue grace.

VVe know (and we are pleas'd to know so much)

The Cates that you haue tasted were not season'd

For euery vulgar Pallat, but prepar'd

To banket pure and apprehensiue eares:

Let then their Voices speake for our desert;

Be their Applause the Trumpet to proclaime

Defiance to rebelling Ignorance,

And the greene spirits of some tainted Few,

That (spight of pitie) betray themselues

To Scorne and Laughter; and like guiltie Children,

Publish their infancie before their time,

By their owne fond exception: Such as these

VVe pawne 'hem to your censure, till Time, VVit,

Or Obseruation, set some stronger seale

Of iudgement on their iudgements; and intreat

The happier spirits in this faire-fild Globe,

(So many as haue sweet minds in their breasts,

And are too wise to thinke themselues are taxt

In any generall Figure, or too vertuous

To need that wisdomes imputation:)

That with their bounteous Hands they would confirme

This, as their pleasures Pattent: which so sign'd,

Our leane and spent Endeuours shall renue

Their Beauties with the Spring to smile on you.

FINIS.

IT had another Catastrophe or Conclusion, at the first

Playing: which (διὰ τὸ τὴν βασιλισσαν προς ωποποιεἴσθαι)

many seem'd not to rellish it; and therefore 'twas since

alter'd: yet that a right-ei'd and solide Reader may perceiue

it was not so great a part of the Heauen awry, as they would

make it; we request him but to looke downe vpon these fol-

lowing Reasons.

  1. 1 There hath been President of the like Presentation in diuers

    Playes: and is yeerely in our Cittie Pageants or shewes of

    Triumph.

  2. 2 It is to be conceiu'd, that Macilente being so strongly possest

    with Enuie, (as the Poet heere makes him) it must bee no

    sleight or common Object, that should effect so suddaine and

    straunge a cure vpon him, as the putting him cleane Out of

    his Humor.

  3. 3 If his Imagination had discours't the whole world ouer for

    an Object, it could not haue met with a more Proper, Emi-

    >nent, or worthie Figure, than that of her Maiesties: which

    his Election (though boldly, yet respectiuely) vs'd to aMo-

    ralland Mysterious end.

  4. 4 His greedinesse to catch at any Occasion, that might ex-

    presse his affection to his Soueraigne, may worthily plead

    for him.

  5. 5 There was nothing (in his examin'd Opinion) that could

    more neare or truly exemplifie the power and strength of her

    Inualuable Vertues, than the working of so perfect a Mira-

    cleon so oppos'd a Spirit, who not only persisted in hisHu-

    mor, but was now come to the Court with a purpos'd reso-

    lution (his Soule as it were new drest in Enuie) to maligne at

    any thing that should front him; when sodainly (against ex-

    pectation, and all steele of his Malice) the verie wonder of

    her Presence strikes him to the carth dumbe, and astonisht.

    From whence rising and recouering heart, his Passion thus

    vitters it selfe.

Maci.

Blessed, Diuine, Vnblemisht, Sacred, Pure,

Glorious, Immortall, and indeed Immense;

O that I had a world of Attributes,

To lend or adde to this high Maiestie:

Neuer till now did Obiect greet mine eyes

VVith any light Content: but in her Graces

All my malitious Powers haue lost their stings:

Enuie is fled my Soule at sight of her,

And shee hath chac'd all blacke thoughts from my bosome,

Like as the Sunne doth darkenesse from the world.

My streame of Humor is runne out of me:

And as our Citties Torrent (bent t'infect

The hallow'd bowels of the siluer Thames)

Is checkt by strength and clearenesse of the Riuer,

Till it hath spent it selfe e'ene at the shore;

So in the ample and vnmeasur'd Flood

Of her Perfections, are my Passions drown'd:

And I haue now a Spirit as sweet and cleere,

As the most rarefi'd and subtile Aire;

VVith which, and with a heart as pure as Fire,

(Yet humble as the Earth) doe I implore,

He kneeles.

O Heauen: that Shee (whose Figure hath effected

This change in me) may neuer suffer Change

In her Admir'd and happie Gouernment:

May still this Iland be call'd Fortunate,

And Rugged Treason tremble at the sound

VVhen Fame shall speake it with an Emphasis.

Let forraine Pollicie be dull as Lead,

And pale Inuasion come with halfe a heart

VVhen he but lookes vpon her blessed Soile:

The Throat of Warre be stopt within her Land,

And Turtle-footed Peace daunce fairie Rings

About her Court; where neuer may there come

Suspect or Daunger, but all Trust and Safetie:

Let Flatterie be dumbe, and Enuie blind

In her dread Presence: Death himselfe admire her:

And may her Vertues make him to forget

The vse of his ineuitable hand.

Fly from her Age; Sleepe Time before her Throne,

Our strongest wall falls downe when shee is gone.

Here the Trumpets sound a florish, in which time Macilente conuerts

himselfe to them that supply the place of GREX, and speakes.

GREX.

Maci.

How now Sirs? how like you it? has't not ben tedious?

Cor.

Nay, we ha' done censuring, now.

Mit.

Yes faith.

Maci.

How so?

Cor.

Mary because wee'le imitate your Actors, and be out of

our Humors. Besides, here are those (round about you) of more

abilitie in Censure than wee, whose Iudgements can giue it a

more satisfying Allowance: wee'le refer you to them.

Mac.

I? is't e'en so? VVel, Gentlemē, I should haue gone in,

and return'd to you as I was Asper at the first: but (by reason

the Shift would haue been somewhat long, and we are loth to

draw your Patience any farder) wee'le intreat you to imagine

it. And now (that you may see I will be out of Humor for com-

panie) I stand wholly to your kind Approbation, and (indeed)

am nothing so peremptorie as I was in the beginning: Mary

I will not doe as Plautus in his Amphitryo for all this (Summi Iouis

causa, Plaudite:) begge a Plaudite for Gods sake; but if you (out

of the Bountie of your good liking) will bestow it; why, you

may (in time) make leane Macilente as fat as Sir Iohn Fallstaffe.

Exeunt.

Non ego ventosœ plebis suffragia venor.